


Blurring Lines

by ElectricBlueGirl



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Lovers, Friends With Benefits, In which the Mitchell's are a gang of well-known organised criminals, M/M, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 177,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26561305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricBlueGirl/pseuds/ElectricBlueGirl
Summary: When Callum starts university, all he wants to do is enjoy his first year with minimal drama, free from the father and brother that he has spent his life waiting to escape. But when the youngest member of the notorious Mitchell family turns out to be his new flatmate, Callum embarks on a year he could never have prepared himself for.
Relationships: Background Jay Brown/Lola Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 706
Kudos: 606





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So it's September and that can only mean a new story! This fic is different to anything I've written before and I really hope you enjoy it. Any feedback is greatly appreciated and welcome. I plan on updating every Sunday and Wednesday for anyone who is interested. 
> 
> It's been a long time since I was at university myself and I'm aware that the system has probably changed a lot in that time. Anything I have written that relates to the university experience/process is based off my own so please forgive any outdated errors - I'm just getting a bit old! 
> 
> For now, thank you to anyone who reads and enjoy :)

**Chapter One  
  
  
  
  
**

“Peepo.”

He shifts, feels a draft on his cheek, tries to ignore it.

“Peepo.”

Something flicks at his ear. He presses his face further into the pillow beneath him, willing himself back to sleep.

“Callum,” the voice whispers, a low drawl from somewhere in front of him. There’s another flick at his ear and he groans, pulling at the duvet and attempting to lift it over his head. It’s no good though; something is holding it back.

“Callum.” He recognises the voice now.

Peering his eyes open he squints against the light of the bedroom and can just make out the face of his brother, Stuart, who is knelt beside the bed.

“What’re you doing?” Callum mumbles, annoyance creeping in. All he wants to do is go back to sleep, not be woken up at who knows what time for who knows what reason.

“I’m waking the little baby, aren’t I?” Stuart says now, adopting the voice one would use to speak to a child. Callum would swat him away but he’s too exhausted to move. “It’s moving day!”

And that gets Callum’s attention. He sits up quickly, head spinning a little from the movement and reaching out for his bedside clock, knocking it to the floor in his haste.

“Fuck! What time is it?”

Stuart laughs, standing to full height. “Time you got a wriggle on otherwise you won’t be there on time to collect your keys.”

He scrambles out of bed, pushing Stuart aside and almost falling over his packed suitcase as he rushes for the bedroom door. Stuart laughs again from behind him but Callum really can’t think what could possibly be so funny. It’s a big day, maybe the biggest of his life so far, and he’s already wasted some of it by sleeping. He thinks he can hear Stuart muttering something about how he was joking and that it's not even nine o’clock yet but that’s late enough – he doesn’t want to be the last one there.

Today is the day. Today he is moving out of the home he has endured for eighteen years and into university accommodation. Today is the start of the rest of his life.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Putting the last of his toast into his mouth, Callum stands from the rickety wooden table in the corner of the room and reaches for his bags. Stuart stands too, tugging the suitcase along the floor towards the front door.  
  
“Now, are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” he asks. “I can help with your stuff.”  
  
Callum can see he’s eager, Stuart has never been good at hiding his emotions and he’s got a big heart, but Callum has set himself up for doing this alone and that’s what he’s going to do. He’s spent most of his life standing on his own two feet and as much as Stuart might want to help, this is something that he needs to do on his own.  
  
He shakes his head. “It’s just a suitcase and a holdall. I’ll be fine.”  
  
Stuart looks at the bags sceptically and says, “Are you sure you’ve got enough there? You’re moving out, not going on holiday.”  
  
“It’s not like I own a load of stuff though is it? And I travel light. Most of this is plates and cups and pans and whatnot. Clothes. Couple of books. That laptop Mick gave me. That’s everything I’ll need.”  
  
Callum sees the way Stuart’s eyes cloud over at the mention of Mick’s name but he nods anyway. It’s not that Callum wants to hurt Stuart, his brother has at times done a great job of looking after him in their Dad’s place, it’s just that those times have been few and far between. For a large portion of his life Stuart hasn’t been there and Mick has always been kind enough to step in and keep an eye on things. If Callum is being honest, Mick Carter has been more of a father than his own has ever been, but he knows Stuart regrets not doing better by him.  
  
After getting his exam results and finding out that he had passed every single one, Mick had given Callum a laptop telling him how proud he was of him and how he was going to go on and do great things at university. Callum hadn’t known how to accept such a gift but Mick had reminded him that Callum was part of the family and it was only right that he went off to university well equipped.  
  
Linda, Mick’s wife, had bought him some clothes, telling him he would need to look smart and make a good impression and the love and care he was getting from each of them had almost made him cry. Mick and Linda’s son, Johnny, is going to university too. He’s moving across the country to study law, something which seems like a far greater achievement than what Callum is going to be studying, but Johnny hadn’t been fazed by the fair treatment at all, simply patting him on the back and congratulating him for getting into university.  
  
The Carters are very much his own family and it has touched Callum how accommodating they have been of him over the years. Callum has tried not to lean on them too much, especially as he’s got older, worried that if they knew what really went on behind the closed doors of the house he lives in, they would have called social services a long time ago and then perhaps he would never have seen them again.  
  
He’s grateful for their support, it has set him in good stead, but he knows that the best way he can thank them is by going out into the world, not letting the chains of his life hold him back, and make something of himself.  
  
“What are you going to do for food?” Stuart asks now, a look of trepidation on his face.  
  
“I’ve got enough to last me a couple of days and then I’ll do a food shop. Trust me, I’ll be fine.”  
  
He has spent the whole summer working all the hours he could as a waiter in a restaurant and he's saved every single one of his wages. He has more than enough to be getting on with and as soon as his student loan comes through, he’ll have extra money for living expenses and textbooks and anything else he’ll need. And his boss has agreed to keep his job open for him should he ever want to return. He has planned for this. He’s ready.  
  
Stuart still looks worried. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come and see you off?”  
  
“No, Stu. I'll be fine, I promise.”  
  
Callum doesn’t want Stuart to feel rejected, but he is determined to do this on his own. Up until a couple of months ago, Stuart hadn’t even been here, only just getting out of prison. The only reason he came back at all was because he had nowhere else to go. This is what he does. If he’s not in prison then he’s disappearing off for months at a time doing whatever it is he does when he’s not around, and then he pops back up again like he’s never been away. He tries hard, he does, his heart is usually in the right place, but the problem with Stuart is that he’s a loose cannon. It’s impossible to predict how he’s going to behave from one day to the next. He can be the calmest of people sometimes, occassionally providing a sense of stability in a home that has always been far from it, but then something will happen, there’ll be some kind of switch, and in those times it’s impossible to control him. That’s why he’s spent most of Callum’s life in and out of prison. He’s not a bad person, he’s just impulsive and never stops to think.  
  
As a result, Callum has got by with the support of the Carters, he’s allowed teachers to guide him, and he has done his best to be independent and look after himself for as long as he can remember. He had got himself a newspaper delivery job at the age of thirteen and attempted to do odd jobs for people around his estate as he had got older. He had earned enough to feed himself and buy equipment for school, careful not to lean on the Carter’s too much. So going to university and having to rely on himself there shouldn’t be too much of a struggle for him.  
  
“Dad still in bed?” he wonders aloud, aiming to distract Stuart from his need to help.  
  
“Probably. You know what he’s like. Don’t bother about him.”  
  
Callum nods. He hadn’t expected his Dad to see him off – he’s never cared before so why would his son moving out to start university be any different? – but it leaves a hollow feeling in his chest anyway. Part of him keeps thinking that one day his Dad will change, that he’ll stop drinking, stop wasting his life away in the pub or in front of the television and that perhaps he’ll find himself a steady job. Deep down he knows it’s never going to happen but the little boy in him is still holding onto hope that it will.  
  
“What are you going to do?” he asks. Stuart shrugs in response and Callum sighs. “I’m getting out. I always said I would, didn’t I? There’s no reason for you to stay here anymore, not really. You could look for somewhere of your own.”  
  
“Wouldn’t know where to start.”  
  
“What about with Zara?”  
  
Stuart falls still and looks at him as if he’s never given it any thought. Zara is Stuart’s daughter and as far as Callum is aware, Stuart hasn’t seen her since she was very young, his relationship with her mother being rather volatile. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be different now though.  
  
“Don’t you ever think about her?” he prompts. “Wonder how she is? Dad’s never cared about us, not once made an effort. Doesn’t she deserve better?”  
  
“I’ll just screw up her life. I’ve missed too much of it to waltz in now haven’t I?”  
  
And maybe he has missed too much and maybe he wouldn’t be good for her but Callum doesn’t want Stuart staying in this house now that he’s going to be gone. It doesn’t feel fair that Callum tries to make something of his life whilst his brother keeps heading down the same road their Dad has taken.  
  
“Just, don’t stick around here with him,” he says, glancing at the ceiling in the direction of his Dad’s bedroom above. “I reckon you deserve better too.”  
  
Stuart nods but doesn’t give an answer and Callum knows there’s nothing more he can say. He doesn’t know when he’ll next see Stuart. With his brother being so unpredictable, every time feels like it might be the last and Callum has grown used to expecting nothing. He hopes Stuart will learn to free himself from their Dad’s grasp just as Callum is doing now.  
  
Picking up his holdall and slinging the strap across his shoulder, he looks at Stuart once more, smiling a little before reaching for the suitcase and dragging it out of the front door.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It is a forty-five minute trip made up of two tube journey’s before Callum arrives at the university campus. Ten of those minutes account for his walk from the station, following the signs as he goes even though he can remember the way from when he had come to look round at the beginning of the year. He’s not far from Canning Town, the distance between here and the life he has left behind is small, but his house feels like a million miles away when he’s staring up at the tall buildings ahead of him.  
  
Families swarm around everywhere he looks, some carrying large boxes and suitcases and there’s even a couple of people who carry clothes airers and ironing boards. It makes him feel a little strange with just the suitcase he’s borrowed from Linda and the holdall over his shoulder. He knows he has everything he needs having spent his entire life living on the basic essentials but even so, he feels like he’s the odd one out standing amongst all of these people.  
  
Callum is so taken with it all that he fails to notice the young woman until she is standing right in front of him.  
  
“Hi there,” she smiles brightly. She’s wearing a hi-vis vest and has a walkie-talkie in her hand. “Do you need any help?”  
  
Callum looks at her, feeling out of his comfort zone suddenly and he struggles to find words to respond.  
  
“I’m Molly,” the woman continues.  
  
“Uh…..Callum. Sorry, sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s just a lot to take in all of this.”  
  
“I was exactly the same on my first day. You’ll get used to it all, I promise. It’s a great university, everyone’s really welcoming, and I know it looks big now but you’ll soon know your way round.”  
  
Callum nods. He hopes she’s right and that he hasn’t made a huge mistake in deciding to come here. Initially he hadn’t been bothered about coming to university at all, certain he was going to leave school and find himself a job. But his teachers had actively encouraged him to apply anyway just in case he changed his mind and the thought of being able to escape his home life sooner rather than later had been one of the main factors that had won him round.  
  
If he’s being completely honest, he never thought he would be good enough for university. His Dad had often told him he would never amount to anything and Callum had had no reason to believe otherwise. But the Carter’s and his teachers had believed in him and they had guided him through the various application processes. Without them, he wouldn’t be here now.  
  
“How about I show you to the registration point?” Molly says, motioning in the direction of a building in the distance. “We’ll get all the forms you need, find out where your accommodation is and I’ll stick around if you need anything else. What d’you say?”  
  
He had wanted to do this himself, be the independent man that was now free of his Dad, but he knows he’s out of his depth at the moment and Molly clearly knows more than he does so he nods, smiles in thanks, and follows her lead.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum looks down at the student ID card in his hand and then up at the accommodation block in front of him. After almost two hours of filling out forms and waiting in queues he’s finally standing outside what will be his home for the next year. The large block of flats stands high in the middle of campus and he watches as people come and go before moving towards the door and swiping his card. The door clicks as it unlocks and he pulls on the handle, putting his foot out to stop it from swinging back as he pushes his suitcase into the building.  
  
Thankfully, the flat he has been assigned to is only one flight up the stairs on the first floor. He finds it easily and puts his key in the lock before walking down the hallway. He can hear voices behind the doors which sets his heart racing, but he tries to focus instead on the letters on each of the doors as he passes.  
  
There are four doors on one side of the hallway, each with a letter from A to D, and there are three doors on the other side, the letters E and F on two of them respectively. The third has no letter at all. He assumes that must be the kitchen. Approaching the door which is labelled with a letter ‘D’ on the front of it, he puts a second key into the lock and turns the handle.  
  
The room on the other side is tiny but it’s a small price to pay for the en-suite shower that all the rooms in this accommodation block has. There’s a bed, a wardrobe, a desk, a pin board – this is his room. It’s bare but it’s clean and modern looking and he imagines that once he’s emptied his bags and settled in then it will look much more homely.  
  
He tries to decide whether he should start emptying his bags now or explore the rest of the flat. He’s nervous to meet his new flatmates but he also doesn’t want to appear as though he’s avoiding them or being rude by not going to say hello. That seems to make the decision for him and he turns and heads towards the room without a letter on the door.  
  
As he had guessed, it turns out to be the kitchen and as he peers through the door he sees two people already in there. They turn to him upon hearing his entry and smile.  
  
“Come in, come in!” the girl says excitedly. She has bright red hair and wide eyes and a smile that is infectious.  
  
“Hi,” he smiles, as he lets the door swing closed behind him.  
  
“Alright mate?” The guy beside her holds out his hand and Callum shakes it, giving him a small nod. “I’m Jay.”  
  
“Callum.”  
  
“We were waiting to see who would join us next!” the girl grins.  
  
Callum looks at her and smiles again. “Sorry, I didn’t get your name?”

“Oh! Whitney! My head’s in the clouds today!”  
  
He laughs in understanding. Moving to university has so far been such a whirlwind and he’s only halfway through the day. He turns to look at the kitchen properly. It’s a spacious room. There’s a table in the centre and a seating area with sofa’s off to the side giving it a cosy feel which is something he hadn’t imagined it to be like at all.  
  
“So, what course are you doing?” Jay asks him, tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.  
  
Callum explains all about how he hadn’t known what to study at university and how his teachers had suggested he look into Psychology. He has always been a people person but he hadn’t been sure what he was passionate about. It wasn’t something he had ever given much thought to. One of his teachers had thought he would make a good counsellor, another thought he would work well with families, and whilst Callum had liked the sound of both, he wasn’t sure if he would be very good at either. It had been decided that he should look into Psychology courses and the more he had, the more open to it he had become. He liked the idea that it could lead him into so many different job roles, leaving a wide range of options available to him when the time came to decide on a career path for himself. In the end, that is what he had decided on.  
  
He discovers that Jay is doing Business Studies which impresses Callum because of how difficult it sounds. Like him, Jay doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life either and Callum is glad he’s not the only one.  
  
Whitney talks about her passion for fashion design with so much enthusiasm that Callum finds himself listening to her with interest despite him being quite possibly the least fashionable person on the whole campus. He’s relieved that Linda had talked him into the smart shirts after all. It's as Whitney is talking that Callum discovers that they have grown up just ten minutes away from each other – it’s a small world that has Callum wondering if he’s ever served her in the restaurant before or whether he’s passed her in the street and not known it.  
  
Both Jay and Whitney are friendly and it settles Callum’s nerves a little. They’re joined a short while later by Ruby who pops her head in through the kitchen door to say hello before leaving again as her family are still helping her to move in. Callum sees her make several trips to and from the car park from where he’s standing at the kitchen window and it seems to him as if she is moving her entire house in – the suitcases and boxes just keep coming.  
  
Lola arrives shortly after that with her Grandfather in tow. She seems a little nervous, especially when he leaves, but Callum has been here a couple of hours and tries to help by offering to make her and the others a cup of tea or coffee. He has always liked to keep busy when out of his comfort zone and even though he’s calmer than he was, he’s still trying to find his feet in his new environment.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It takes until much later on that day before Callum starts to properly feel at ease. He and the rest of the flat sit together as they eat dinner, commenting on what each other has made. It’s clear that he and Ruby know what they’re doing around a kitchen. Callum is one for making good, hearty meals with just a few basics, whereas Ruby has an artistic flare and has made something that looks almost exotic. Callum wonders if she’ll teach him. He loves cooking, it’s something he is good at, but he’s far from creative when it comes to plating it up.  
  
Lola, Jay and Whitney take turns using the microwave, all three claiming they don’t have a clue what they’re doing around an oven. Callum can’t help but wonder how they’ve managed to get by in life before remembering that he’s had to fend for himself – they probably haven’t.  
  
It is as they’re sitting around the table that questions turn to the sixth member of the flat who still hasn’t arrived. It’s almost seven o’clock and there’s debate over what has happened to him or her. Have they dropped out at the last minute? Did they not get the grades they needed to get into the university? Maybe they have got the wrong day or they’re an international student with a delayed flight. Perhaps there will only be five of them living here after all.  
  
Each of them agrees that they’re glad not to be the last one to arrive.  
  
After eating, they settle down on the sofas to get to know each other better. Each of them go round saying where they’re from and what course they’re doing. Ruby is doing the same Business Studies degree as Jay whilst Callum discovers that Lola is doing Psychology just as he is. It’s nice to think that he already knows someone on his course and that he won’t be alone when he attends the first induction meeting.  
  
“So, which of you boys are single then?” Ruby asks early in the conversation.  
  
“Well, I am,” says Jay. “I was with someone but we broke up at the beginning of summer. She’s gone off to be a vet.”  
  
“Sorry to hear that,” Lola comments. “The break up, I mean.”  
  
Jay shakes his head. “Don’t be. We weren’t a forever thing. Just first loves I guess.”  
  
Callum can’t help but let his mind drift to Chris. In many ways, he and Jay have similar stories. Chris was his first boyfriend and they had been together for almost a year before realising that with university coming up, long distance probably wouldn’t work for them. When they broke up it had been sad, but Callum wasn’t heartbroken by it. If anything, he was relieved that he’d experienced a relationship with someone and managed to somehow get away with his family not finding out that he was gay, something he had gone to great efforts in avoiding.  
  
He accepted who he was a couple of years ago. He had been encouraged by Johnny who had also recently come out. Seeing the way Mick and Linda accepted him and loved him regardless had persuaded Callum to come out to them too. They had been brilliant about it but he had made them promise not to tell Stuart or his Dad. The response from them would be fierce disapproval at best and ugly violence at worst.  
  
So no, he doesn’t want his family to ever know he’s gay, but he wants everyone else in his life to. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself. Even though he wants his flatmates to know who he is, he still gets nervous before coming out to someone new, the fear of judgement lingering in the back of his mind.  
  
“I’m single,” he starts.  
  
Ruby grins and says, “Oh, so I’ve got my pick of you both then!”  
  
He’s immediately taken aback by how forthright she is and the words fall out of his mouth before he’s had chance to think about how he’s going to deliver them.  
  
“I’m gay!” It comes out as a protest and he really hopes he doesn’t offend her with his obvious need to avoid her interest.  
  
“Relax, Callum,” Ruby cackles, “I’m joking! Though it makes sense really. All the good looking ones are.”  
  
“Oh, charming that is!” Jay says, sounding offended, but Callum notices he looks more relaxed now than he did a moment ago when Ruby was sizing them both up.  
  
“I’ve never had a gay best friend before!”  
  
Callum looks across to Whitney who is sitting on the opposite sofa and looking towards him gleefully. He refrains from telling her that being gay doesn’t make him a fashion accessory. It’s not something that defines him. He’s sure she doesn’t mean any harm though and sends a smile her way.  
  
It’s at that moment that the entrance door to the flat is heard opening, the sound of it carrying through to the kitchen. There’s footsteps and Callum glances towards the group who seem to be on tenterhooks as they wait to see who it is.  
  
The kitchen door swings open and Callum turns at the arrival of their sixth and final flatmate.  
  
“Well, the gang’s all here!” the guy drawls, grin appearing on his face as he saunters into the room.  
  
Callum feels something clench in his stomach. It can’t be, can it?  
  
“Ben Mitchell. But looking at your faces, I’m guessing some of you already know that.”  
  
He, Ben, moves over to the sofas, dropping himself down into the empty space next to Ruby and throwing his feet up onto the coffee table.  
  
The kitchen is silent as Ben’s eyes roam over all of them, the grin turning into a smirk now as though he’s relishing the attention.  
  
This can’t be right. Ben Mitchell can’t be their flatmate – _he can’t_.  
  
“So,” the man says, “Who’s going to say hello to me first?”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evening :) Thank you to everyone who read, left kudos, or commented on the last chapter. This fic has been in the works for the last couple of months and posting that first chapter was a bit scary! Thank you to everyone for your kind words :)
> 
> Wednesday updates will most likely be late evening like this simply because there's that annoying thing called work that gets in the way of my fangirl time. So the updates will be coming, they'll just be later on Wednesday's. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Two  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

Ben Mitchell.

Callum hadn’t thought he would ever come face to face with the man, never mind _live_ with him. And yet here he is, in this flat, just a matter of metres away.

They are coming to the end of their second week at university now and it still doesn’t quite feel real that Ben is here under the same roof as him. Each time he reminds himself that it isn’t a dream, Callum feels terror grip at his entire being but it’s nothing compared to the feeling he gets when Ben’s eyes look his way, causing every hair on his body to stand on end.

Ben Mitchell is the youngest member of the notorious Mitchell family. Everyone this side of London is familiar with the name having gone through their childhoods hearing nightmarish stories and then warned to stay out of their way should they ever meet them. Later, in becoming adolescents, people see for themselves the true horror of the Mitchell name. It’s a name that is, and always has been, splashed across the local news headlines, and it’s a well known fact that the police have been trying to put all of them behind bars for years.

Okay, so maybe they’re not in the same league as the Kray’s or the Adams family, but they’re still not people to be messed with. They have a string of crimes connected to them, some of which Callum shudders to think about.

He and Whitney both know enough about the Mitchell’s to want to stay well away from Ben. Callum doesn’t know if Ben himself has ever been a person of interest to the Metropolitan Police but he thinks it’s probable that Ben is following in his father’s footsteps, especially if the way he acts is anything to go by. He walks around with an air of cocky arrogance and knows how to make a person's skin crawl with just one glance. It’s not a far stretch to think he would also know how to put the fear of God into them too.

But it does beg the question, why is he at university? Why did he apply, why was he allowed in, why is he studying for a degree in Psychology? Because yes, that’s another thing to add to Callum’s list of frustrations – Ben is doing the same course as he is. It’s like the world is laughing at him from afar.

Lola, in contrast, isn’t all that bothered by Ben’s presence. She’s not as comfortable around him as Jay seems to have become over the last couple of weeks (the two boys bonding as they play each other on Ben’s game console is something that Callum is yet to get his head around) but she puts up with him being around a lot better than Callum does. It’s almost like she can ignore Ben whenever he happens to be in the same room whereas when Callum tries to do the same, all he can feel is the man’s gaze on him.  
  
Jay and Lola aren’t as familiar with the Mitchell’s though having grown up across the other side of London. They recognise the name but still haven’t done their research even after Whitney tried to tell them all about Ben.  
  
“I’m not gonna look him up on Google,” Jay had said on their second day. “He was weird last night, yeah, but if what you’re saying’s true then he was probably scared shitless about starting uni and having people think stuff about him.”  
  
“But I think you need to know who it is we’re living with,” Whitney had argued.  
  
“I think I’d rather make my own mind up about him. He’s been alright with me so far. How d'you know you’re not just thinking the worst because of what you’ve heard?”  
  
Whitney had sighed, shaking her head. Her eyes had met Callum’s and it was clear that they were both thinking the same thing: Jay didn’t get it. There was no point telling someone something if they refused to listen. Callum just had to hope that Ben wasn’t one day going to murder them all in their beds.  
  
As for Ruby, she’s been spending a lot of time out of the flat in the last week. According to Jay, she’s become pally with a popular group of students that are on his course and no longer acknowledges him when they’re in lectures together. It’s only been a week since studies officially began, but Jay thinks Ruby has changed very quickly from the girl they had come to know on their first night.  
  
Callum thinks that perhaps she has the right idea. Making friends with a wider group of people and spending all your time outside of the flat you live in seems to be a sensible option when one of your flatmates is a potential psychopath.  
  
But there’s something else that concerns him about Ben, something other than his surname and his background.  
  
Ben has a habit of flirting with everything that moves. Everything he says has some kind of sexual connotation, an underlying meaning with every comment he makes. And yet, for some reason, people outside of the flat keep falling for his charms. Callum has seen it in the way they laugh with Ben in the student union bar, or the way they’ve sidled up to him during lectures, very obviously enamoured by him. Callum doesn’t understand it at all. It doesn’t seem to matter to anyone else who Ben is, or rather, who he’s connected to, and Callum feels like he’s in the minority sometimes. To them, Ben Mitchell is simply Ben: dark hair, handsome physique, mysterious eyes.  
  
At first, Callum had been repulsed by his flirtatious nature. He had felt a strong need to protect anyone on the receiving end of it, particularly Whitney who looked terrified every time Ben smirked at her or came out with some kind of provocative comment.  
  
“He gives me the creeps,” she had said, shivering as she relayed one of Ben’s comments to Callum.  
  
“Ignore him. Don’t let him get to you. If he knows he’s bothering you he’ll do it even more.”  
  
That had been his advice for her, but it was advice that he couldn’t take himself.  
  
It had been a few days later when Lola had attempted to stand up to Ben that the tables had turned.  
  
They were in the kitchen, Whitney and Lola painting their nails at one side of the table whilst Callum flicked through the pages of a textbook at the other side with as much interest as he could muster, which hadn’t been a lot at the time. Ben had strolled into the room, grabbing himself a glass from the top of the draining board and pouring himself some water. He’d leaned against the side of the sink looking across at the girls with a glint in his eye before making a comment about how beautiful they looked on that particular day. The comment itself had been fine, complimentary in fact, but the way he had said it and the leering look on his face had been anything but.  
  
Lola had paused, putting the nail brush back into the pot before looking up at Ben.  
  
“Neither of us are interested, you know. It doesn’t matter how many times you make those comments or try to flirt with us, neither of us are going to sleep with you so you might as well look somewhere else.”  
  
Ben had laughed at that and put down his glass. Moving closer to the table, he had leaned down between Lola and Whitney, wrapping an arm around each of them as he said, “Don’t worry girls. Not really you I’m interested in anyway. Callum on the other hand…..”  
  
His eyes had flicked up to meet Callum’s who had felt a chill run down his spine. Ben had winked at him, a smarmy smile on his face as his gaze dropped down over Callum’s body and then back up again.  
  
Callum had realised in that moment that Ben was gay and the thought of it had made him feel even more on edge than he already had been. Ever since then, he’s felt the weight of Ben’s stare on him every time they have been in the same room together and it’s been unnerving and uncomfortable and…….something else that he can’t quite put his finger on.  
  
So yes, Ruby seems to have the right idea about being out of the flat as much as possible. Callum only wishes he could find a way to do the same.  
  
It’s Friday now, they have come to the end of their second week and in a few hours he’ll be able to start the weekend. Callum walks into the flat after returning from his mid-morning run, sweat pouring off him from both the exercise and the unseasonably warm weather outside. He enjoys running, it gives him a sense of freedom when nothing else will and has been a good stress-reliever for him over the years. It is part of his routine now, but it’s nice to have the flexibility of his lectures to be able to pick and choose when he goes.  
  
He wipes at his forehead, and heads towards the kitchen to get a drink before he showers. When he opens the door he falters. There’s a half-naked stranger sitting at the table. He looks hungover and tired, a t-shirt tossed over his shoulder, and he glances Callum’s way, nodding in acknowledgement of him.  
  
“Uh - You, uh.....Hi,” Callum says gingerly, stepping further into the kitchen and wondering what the appropriate thing to say in this situation is.  
  
He chooses to say nothing, instead opening the fridge and pulling out a carton of juice, trying to ignore the stranger sitting at his kitchen table. As he moves towards the cupboard and reaches for a glass, the door behind him opens and he turns to see Ben walk in, also in a state of undress.  
  
“Good morning, Callum!” Ben says brightly, adopting a faked posh accent and grinning at him.  
  
“It’s almost lunch time,” Callum replies, trying his best to keep his eyes anywhere other than Ben’s bare chest. The last thing he needs is to give Ben an excuse.  
  
“Still morning then.”  
  
Ben seems to notice the stranger sitting at the table then, pausing as a confused expression clouds his face.  
  
And oh. It makes sense now.  
  
Callum pours his juice into the glass as he instantly figures out the puzzle that Ben is still trying to piece together. This stranger must be someone Ben slept with last night and now Ben doesn’t remember anything about it. It’s not exactly surprising. In the last week, Callum has quickly learned that this is who Ben is. He enjoys sleeping around, slinking off to who knows where with his phone firmly in his grasp and a salacious smile.  
  
Strangers isn’t a new thing for Ben, but strangers in the flat is a new thing for _Callum_ and he wonders if this is the first time Ben has brought someone here. It’s something else that unnerves him but he supposes that’s just part and parcel of having flatmates – sometimes you might awkwardly bump into their hook ups.  
  
“Hey,” the stranger says, smiling at Ben, oblivious to the lack of recognition he’s getting in return.  
  
“Uh…..Callum, this is……” Ben trails off, confirming Callum’s thoughts – he doesn’t have a clue who the man is.  
  
The stranger’s face falls a little as he introduces himself. “Jacob.”  
  
“Jacob! Right, yeah!”  
  
“Look, I think I’m going to go,” he says, standing and looking at Ben and Callum and then back to Ben awkwardly. “But I had a great night. Hopefully I’ll see you around?”  
  
Ben doesn’t reply and Jacob must realise he’s not going to get an answer because he nods to himself and then leaves the room. Callum can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for the guy. Sure, he was stupid enough to get into bed with a Mitchell, but he didn’t deserve the treatment Ben just gave him. Who knows, perhaps Ben hadn’t forgotten his name and had instead just never bothered to ask for it in the first place.  
  
He shakes his head, taking the carton of juice back over to the fridge. When he turns back around, Ben is staring at him, his eyes roving over his body.  
  
“You’re looking a bit flushed there, Callum,” he says, smirk pulling at his lips.  
  
“Been for a run.” He has nothing to say to Ben, eager to get to his room and take off the clothes that are now sticking to him.  
  
“Running’s overrated. There’s better ways to work out if you ask me.”  
  
Callum picks up his glass from the side of the unit and heads towards the door, not willing to engage any further. But Ben carries on regardless.  
  
“You heard what Jacob said, right?” Ben adds, making Callum stop. He takes hold of the handle, ready to leave, but finds himself waiting for Ben to finish his point. “I gave him a _great night_. Any time you fancy the same, you know where to find me.”  
  
His hand tightens around the handle and he feels himself burning under Ben’s gaze and the insinuation. He hates the attention Ben gives and he doesn’t want it. Not now, not ever.  
  
With excessive force, he pulls the door open, almost falling backwards with it. Gaining his balance and ignoring Ben’s chuckle, he leaves and returns to the safety of his bedroom, locking the door until it is secure.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So what I want from this project is a fifteen minute long PowerPoint presentation from each group about cognitive development from a developmental stage of your choice. Anywhere from birth to adulthood - it’s entirely up to you. Try to find some theories that link with your research if you can. And remember, you won’t be getting marked on this. I just want to get an idea of where you are in your understanding and how you work in a team!”  
  
Callum sits at a table in the classroom, pen tapping at his notebook lightly as he listens to their lecturer’s instructions. Anne is a nice woman with kind eyes but he hadn’t expected her to give everyone a project to do quite so early in the academic year. It’s Monday, the start of the second week of studies, and all the seminars and lectures he’s been in so far have been ‘Getting to know you’ sessions and overviews of the modules he’s taking. This project practically signifies that university is really beginning now. He just hopes he can step up.  
  
University is so different to the way school had been. In many way it is more relaxed – the very fact that he can call his lecturers by their first name is a strange concept and one he’s not altogether comfortable with, and he’s noticed they tend to go off topic a lot too. He already knows more about Anne’s life in the space of a week than he’d ever known about any of his teachers over a seven year period. But on the other hand there’s so much more paperwork, so many books on the reading lists he has been given, and so many times he’s had to asterisk something to go and research in his spare time.  
  
It’s overwhelming. Callum hopes it’s just a matter of adjusting, not wanting to return home a failure.  
  
“Now, for this project I’d like you to get into groups of three or four and then once you’ve done that I’ll get your names and send you off to the library to do some research. Have we all got that?”  
  
Anne receives silence in response and she laughs.  
  
“Don’t all shout out at once will you? Wakey-wakey everyone!”  
  
She claps her hands together and after a moment people start moving around the room to get into groups. He turns to look at Lola and she smiles at him in acknowledgement, quietly agreeing that they’re a group.  
  
Callum looks around, wondering who else they could team up with, dread filling his stomach as he spots Ben heading for their table.  
  
“Lola, Callum,” Ben addresses them, looking at them both as he pulls out a chair. “I believe you two require my services!”  
  
He sits down and leans across the table wearing that smile that Callum is slowly growing to hate. Seriously, it’s like Ben only has one setting – the constant smirk never seems to leave his face and Callum wonders if Ben is aware of how irritating it is. Hell, what is he thinking? Of course Ben knows! That’s the reason he does it!  
  
He sees Lola glance his way and looks at her.  
  
“Ben can join our group can’t he, Callum?” She’s smiling but Callum can see in her eyes that she’s pleading with him not to make a fuss, as if she already knows what he’s thinking.  
  
He sighs and forces on a smile of his own. “Yeah, sure.”  
  
“Great! We’ll be the three amigos!” Ben grins.  
  
Callum resists the urge to scoff at that. He thinks of a western film he’d seen years ago of the same name – _Three Amigos_ – and remembers how it was about three men who saved a town from a gang of robbers in their efforts to see justice prevail. Ben probably hasn’t even heard of the film but it’s ironic really considering that he himself is part of the evil in this world, a member of the gang of Mitchell’s who undoubtedly have committed robbery themselves over the years. Not that Callum has any proof of that exactly but if they’re capable of murder as the newspapers have reported then it’s only natural that they would be capable of petty thefts too.  
  
“Come on then,” Ben says, standing again. “Let’s go put our names down with Anne and get to the library. The sooner we get there and figure out what we’re doing, the sooner we can get back to the flat. I’m starving!”  
  
He turns and walks away towards the front of the room. Callum rolls his eyes which earns him a nudge in the side from Lola’s sharp elbow. She looks at him pointedly and then goes to follow Ben’s lead.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“But why him? Why Ben?” Callum groans, trying to keep his voice low in the quiet university library.  
  
“Because we needed him for numbers. And because it would have been rude to say no.”  
  
Callum shrugs. “I wouldn’t have cared.”  
  
“You? Say no to someone? Callum, you’re the nicest bloke I’ve ever met. I know I’ve only known you a few weeks but I can’t imagine you being rude to anyone.”  
  
And okay, so apparently she has a good read on him already. Perhaps he wouldn’t have outright said no to Ben, but he certainly would have come up with a colourful excuse had Lola not jumped in and accepted him into the group so quickly.  
  
“Don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh on him anyway?” Lola questions as she turns down another aisle of the library and starts to look through the books on the shelf. “I know you think he’s some big gangster or whatever but he’s not actually done anything to any of us, has he?”  
  
“You sound like Jay.”  
  
“Yeah well, Jay’s got a point.”  
  
Callum picks up a book at random and starts to flick through it, the words fuzzy on the page as his mind drifts to thoughts of Ben. Is he really being too harsh? It’s true that Ben hasn’t personally done anything wrong yet, at least he hasn’t at university anyway. But it’s not just that he’s a Mitchell that Callum has a problem with, though fuck knows that’s a large portion of it. It’s the way he acts, his whole persona, his _‘I’m God’s gift to men’_ attitude. Callum thinks he wouldn’t like Ben anyway, even if he wasn’t connected to the Mitchell’s.  
  
“What about this project? How do we know he’s going to pull his weight?” Callum questions, shifting focus.  
  
“Why wouldn’t he?”  
  
“Because he’s always in and out of the flat, isn’t he? Drinking, hook up’s, and that’s just the stuff we know about. God knows what else he’s getting up to when he’s not around.”  
  
Lola pauses, looking up from the book she’s holding as a quizzical expression appears on her face. “Sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into it. Why are you so interested in him?”  
  
“I’m not!”  
  
“Doesn’t sound like it to me.”  
  
She raises her eyebrows and a small smile tugs at her mouth and he wonders what she could possibly be suggesting. He’s about to ask her when the man himself appears, rounding the corner with a stack of books in his arms.  
  
“Looks like you two are slacking! I’ve just checked these books out that I reckon’ll come in handy. Met the I.T guy when I was at the desk. He’s a definite eight out of ten. I’ll introduce you if you like?”  
  
Callum looks up to see Ben’s focus on him.  
  
“Uh, no thanks,” he responds, not sure what Ben is getting at.  
  
“Suit yourself. Don’t say I didn’t give you first dibs!”  
  
Ben winks at him and _god, why does he always do that?_ Callum moves past him, not caring if the book in his hand will help with their project or not. He’s checking this book out and getting out of this library and away from Ben. Right now.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Unknowingly proving Callum right, Ben spends the next few days disappearing every time Lola suggests they start working on their project. And when he is around he’s glued to the PlayStation with Jay at his side, their characters wielding guns on the television screen that stands precariously on the coffee table between the two sofas.  
  
Callum can’t even be glad that he was right about Ben because he would much rather they get on with the project together and get it over with. It frustrates him that he has worked so hard to get into university and that Ben is behaving like it’s all some kind of big holiday. He doesn’t know why Ben is even at university in the first place. The flat would have been a lot more comfortable without him and his flashy TV and games console.  
  
“Where are you mate?” Ben asks as he focuses on the television screen, pressing the buttons on his controller to make his character turn around.  
  
“I’m in that tower. You know that one that’s – Wait, where are you?”  
  
Jay sits next to him on the sofa, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. From across the room, Callum swallows down the last of his coffee as he makes the decision to return back to his room, when the kitchen door opens and Lola walks in. He senses tension straight away. She doesn't look very happy and he pauses, unsure whether it would be best if he stayed.  
  
Lola throws a textbook down on the coffee table and looks at Jay and Ben.  
  
“Right, I’m making an intervention,” she says firmly.  
  
Neither of the boys respond. In fact, Callum’s not sure if they’ve even noticed her. Lola sighs and moves to stand in front of the television screen.  
  
“Hey!” Ben shouts.  
  
“Lola, you need to move!” Jay gasps, waving his arm and trying to see round her.  
  
She crosses her arms and ignores them both. “We need to get this project done, Ben.”  
  
“Bit busy right now, Lo.”  
  
“Really? When would suit you? Because you never seem to be around when we need you to be.”  
  
Jay interrupts then. “This doesn’t have anything to do with me so will you just move? Please?”  
  
“Not until Ben listens to me, no.”  
  
Ben sighs, throwing down the controller with a huff. Callum watches from the sidelines, impressed by Lola’s ability to stand up to him.  
  
“Look, I’m all for sitting in front of the television or having a night out with a few drinks,” Lola reasons, “but there’s not that much to do and I know we’ve got a few weeks before we have to get it done but isn’t it better that we do it now rather than later?”  
  
“Always so practical, you are.”  
  
“Jay, shut up, will you!” Lola snaps, causing Jay’s eyes to widen.  
  
“What’s my incentive?” Ben asks, looking up at her with a gleam in his eye.  
  
“That you get a degree?”  
  
“We’re not being marked on this. Try again.”  
  
She bites at her lip in frustration and moves across to the wires, hand reaching for the plug.  
  
“Not the tele!” Jay cries out.  
  
Ben doesn’t seem fazed by the threat though, rolling his eyes. “Is that the best you can do?”  
  
Lola glances across the room, looking at Callum imploringly and _really?_ Why has this fallen to him? He grapples with ideas and says the first thing that comes into his head.  
  
“How about we do this project, blag it a bit if we have to, and then when we’ve finished we can all go on a night out. Together. As a flat. Big flat night out. Sounds fun, yeah?”  
  
It doesn’t sound fun at all. He doesn’t know why he says it. He went out on Fresher’s week but not with Ben in tow and the thought that he has now suggested that he and Ben go out drinking together, even with the company of others, makes him think that he has well and truly lost his marbles.  
  
“Or we could go out tonight instead?” Ben responds, not taking the bait which comes as a relief. “Really, Callum, you’re not very good at negotiating are you? Mind you, play your cards right and I’ll do anything you want me to.”  
  
And of course. Of course Ben would twist it like that. Seriously, where is his off switch?  
  
“I swear to god, I’m pulling this plug out in ten seconds,” Lola warns, still reaching for the cables. “And I’ll confiscate that precious game of yours and then where will you be?”  
  
“Just a reminder that I’m not actually involved in any of this,” Jay comments, throwing his hands in the air.  
  
Lola shoots him a glare. “Don’t underestimate me mister.”  
  
Jay smiles suddenly, chuckling a little, and Lola’s lips turn up in response. They stare at each other for a moment and……Wait, what’s going on there? Are they……? No, surely not.  
  
“I don’t underestimate any of you,” Ben interrupts, ignorant of what’s going on beside him and instead settling his gaze on Callum.  
  
Callum bites his tongue and chooses not to think about what Ben means by that. They’re only three weeks into the academic year but as soon as it’s over, Callum is moving out and getting as far away from Ben Mitchell as possible.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to anyone who left kudos or commented on the last chapter :) It means so much! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Three  
  
  
  
  
**

It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon. The campus is still, students most likely still in their beds with hangovers, and Callum thinks that perhaps this will become one of his favourite days of the week. He spends it exploring the university grounds, finding places he didn’t know existed and trying to get his bearings.

Many of the buildings he comes across seem to be named after people and he wonders what that must be like for the person. He imagines it would be quite strange. He stumbles upon an on-site café quite accidently when he takes a wrong turn but it looks nice. He’ll have to try it one day; grab a coffee maybe on his way back from a lecture. That’s if he can remember where it is. He feels so far from the flat, unsure how he got here, not taking notice of the route and now he’s lost.

He retreats, following in the direction he came from in the hopes that something will look familiar soon.

It’s surprising how few people he sees on his way back and he thinks about the flat and how quiet that had been too when he left. He could hear Lola and Whitney talking in one of the bedrooms but hadn’t wanted to interrupt them, and there had been no sign of life beyond Jay and Ben’s bedroom doors – not that Callum had been paying attention or anything. As for Ruby, she’s still never around.  
  
Callum’s mind drifts back to Ben again. It’s frustrating how he can’t seem to stop thinking about that man. It’s like something is gnawing away at him, like an itch he can’t ignore. Ben is a constant annoyance. A few days ago, Callum had been aggravated that he wasn’t helping out with the project. Now, three days later, Ben has started to pull his weight thanks to Lola’s threat of putting he and Jay on a gaming ban and Jay pleading with him to just do as she says because time spent on _Call Of Duty_ is apparently not worth the risk of losing out on.  
  
And so, Ben had started to put some work into the project and as a result, Callum has had to endure more time in his presence than ever before. Every time he has looked up from his paper or a book it’s been to the sight of Ben staring back at him, an unnerving glint in his eye paired with that smug smirk or his.  
  
Maybe Callum will never be happy with what Ben does, whether he’s around or not, and maybe he’ll always find something to complain about. But that’s not who he is. He always tries to see the good in people. He's always been patient, always been kind. He tries to see beyond people’s faults because he himself has more than his fair share of those. He tries to remember that no one is perfect. He tries to give everyone a chance and give them the benefit of the doubt.  
  
But Ben is the exception.  
  
Ben makes him nervous and anxious and paranoid. He feels jumpy and tense whenever they’re in the same room and he finds himself under Ben’s microscope. He’s not scared of Ben, at least, he doesn’t _think_ he is, but he is scared of how Ben makes him feel, how he can’t just ignore him like everyone else seems to be able to.  
  
Whitney understands, having grown up hearing the same stories as he has, but even she seems calmer around Ben than Callum is. She goes out of her way to avoid him at all costs and doesn’t speak to him unless she has to, a look of distain clouding her face every time she glances his way, but she’s learning to ignore him. Then again, Whitney’s not the one Ben is paying attention to. She’s not the one that Ben stares at greedily from across the room.  
  
Callum shakes himself, trying to rid the thought from his mind.  
  
Apparently though, the world is cursing him.  
  
Having made it back to the flat and stuffing his keys into his pockets, Callum walks into the kitchen to see the subject of his thoughts sprawled out on one of the sofas, arm haphazardly thrown outwards, eyes closed. Callum hopes he’s asleep, tiptoeing across the floor as quietly as he can as he moves towards the cupboards.  
  
“Where’ve you been?”  
  
He freezes at the sound of Ben’s voice and then sighs. Of course it was too good to be true.  
  
“Just exploring,” he shrugs, not willing to make any more conversation with Ben than necessary. He flicks the kettle on, pulling a mug out of the cupboard to make himself a coffee.  
  
“Exploring, eh? Find anything interesting on your little adventure?”  
  
“You know, this and that.”  
  
He puts a scoop of coffee into his cup. Ben falls quiet as the kettle boils and Callum pours the water, feeling Ben’s watchful eye on him the whole time.  
  
“So,” Ben starts again, filling the silence as Callum adds milk. “I’m thinking of going out tonight. There’s this gay bar I want to check out. Heard lots about it.”  
  
Callum stirs his coffee. If Ben is looking for a response, he’s not going to get one. Even if Callum was trying to be polite, he doubts he’d have anything to say about Ben going on a night out apart from that it’s a Sunday and there’s lectures tomorrow. That’s none of his business though.  
  
“Any objections?” Ben asks.  
  
“Why would I object?”  
  
“Well, if I go out then I might end up bringing someone back with me and I wouldn’t want you to get jealous or anything.”  
  
He scoffs lightly under his breath at that. “You can do what you want, Ben.” He really couldn’t care less.  
  
“Really? Because I remember that it was only the other day that you suggested we go out together.” Callum turns to see him scratching at the stubble on his jaw and looking in deep thought. “Figured you must want to keep an eye on me. Make sure I don’t go off with someone who’s not you.”  
  
Callum would laugh at that but he’s too shocked by Ben’s ego. Does he actually believe the nonsense that he spouts?  
  
“Believe me,” he responds, picking the milk up from the side and returning it to the fridge. “I wouldn’t be jealous. I’d just feel sorry for the poor bloke.”  
  
“Hmm. See, you say that, but really I think it would sting a little inside. But hey, I can’t say I blame you.”  
  
He feels something snap suddenly, rage rising in his stomach. He’s managed to stay quiet until now, keeping his thoughts mostly to himself, but he’s finally had enough of Ben’s arrogance and smugness.  
  
“Okay, what’s your game exactly?”  
  
An air of confusion appears on Ben’s face and for a moment he genuinely looks taken aback.  
  
“Game?”  
  
“What are you doing here if all you’re interested in is having sex and preying on everyone you meet? Or is it just that no one will go anywhere near you outside of uni?”  
  
Ben moves to sit up properly, still looking confused. “What do you mean?”  
  
And really, Callum should stop here especially since what Ben chooses to do in his time has nothing to do with him. All he really wants is for Ben to leave him alone and he should tell him that and then end the conversation. But he’s angry, _so_ angry for reasons he can't explain, and it's like all of the tension and anxiety he’s felt around Ben over the last couple of weeks is fighting for some kind of release now.  
  
“Come on, Ben, everyone knows who your family are. Why would anyone risk getting into bed with you? Why would they get involved with you? Blokes here think they can shack up with you because they’ll be safe as long as they’re on campus. You really have no idea, do you?”  
  
Ben looks perplexed, as if no one has called him out on his family before, at least not whilst he’s been at university anyway. And maybe they haven’t. His usual smirk has vanished and instead, looking back at him is a version of Ben that Callum doesn’t think he’s ever seen before.  
  
“Look, I’m – I’m just a student like everyone else here,” Ben responds. “And in case you haven’t noticed, a lot of people use the advantage of being away from home for the first time in their lives to sleep around. It’s what Fresher’s is for. If – If that’s not your thing that’s fine, but you don’t get to judge me on what I do. As for my family, you……I don’t want people judging me based on what they’ve seen in the media. That’s not fair.”  
  
Callum watches him. Ben’s face is contorted with confusion and there’s something vulnerable there that appears and then disappears again just as quickly.  
  
“So you’re saying you actually want to be here? You _want_ to be a psychologist? _You_?”  
  
Ben sighs, brushing a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, alright? I don’t know what I want to be or what I want to do with my life. But I’m not turning up to lectures just for the sake of it, Callum! I have an actual interest in this course. Funnily enough, that’s why I chose it. I’m no different to anyone else here.”  
  
Callum should nod and accept that and forget about this conversation. To be fair, Ben sounds like he really means what he’s saying which makes a change and perhaps he should give him a break.  
  
But then he remembers who he’s talking to. Ben is a Mitchell. Manipulating people into thinking they are being genuine is something they’re good at. Even if he can’t think of any other reason for Ben attending university, he knows there must be one. He can’t find it within himself to trust a word that comes out of the man’s mouth. And why should he? The moment he does that, he doubts he’ll ever be able to come back from it.  
  
“Well, now that I think about it,” he says, “I suppose it doesn’t surprise me all that much, you doing psychology. I mean, I’m sure you’re an expert at mind games, aren’t you? Toying with people. Taking people’s weaknesses and using it against them. Sounds like something your lot can do very well. Seems to me, that’d be the only reason you’d be interested in a course like psychology.”  
  
Smacking his palm down on the side of the sofa, Ben stands abruptly, waving his arms out wildly.  
  
“What are you even going on about? I’ve had just about enough of people like you making judgements about my life. I thought this place would be different! Fucking typical that I get shoved into the same flat with someone as condemning as you!”  
  
“What – ”  
  
“You walk around here and act like butter wouldn’t melt,” Ben says spitefully. “Sweet, innocent, doe-eyed Callum. He’s so meek and mild! Yeah right, give me a break.”  
  
Ben turns to leave then but Callum finds his mouth moving of its own accord once more.  
  
“Are you seriously standing there and pretending your family are do-gooders?” he challenges, refusing to let Ben’s current demeanour unnerve him.  
  
Ben swirls, looking thunderous. “I didn’t get to choose my family, Callum!” he shouts, striding forwards and pushing at Callum’s chest a little. “I didn’t get a choice in how I was brought up and you have no idea what that was like for me! My family, my…...They’re a nightmare, alright? But none of it was my choice! None of it!”  
  
His raised voice startles Callum and he’s so surprised by it that he can find nothing more to say in response. It’s probably just as well considering he stepped over a line about thirty seconds into the argument.  
  
Ben’s eyes are on him, waiting, but it’s like he’s forgotten how to talk. When he realises he’s not going to get a response, Ben lowers his head and closes his eyes.  
  
“You know what?” he says quietly. “Think what you want. You’ve already made your mind up about me.”  
  
He turns again and this time Callum doesn’t stop him from walking out.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s no more than twenty minutes later before Callum is regretting his words. He’s never argued so much with anyone before. Well, apart from Stuart perhaps. He’s always been a very calm person, allowed things to fly over his head and worn a smile even in the most difficult of times. He usually prefers to sit on the sidelines and stay quiet rather than get involved in a confrontation.  
  
Ben brings out a side to him that he didn’t know he had and it’s scary because Callum doesn’t know how to control that side of himself. He didn’t even know he had a temper before today. But it’s like Ben lights a fuse within him and then stands back to watch it explode. And that’s what has just happened. Ben has spent two weeks winding him up and winding him up, slowly, slowly, slowly until Callum had seen red and blown up at him. Ben must have been surprised at finally getting a reaction out of him because for the first time Callum had seen someone other than the wind-up merchant he’d come to know.  
  
That’s part of the regret, Callum thinks. His words had surprisingly had an effect on Ben and rather than getting him to back off like he’d wanted, he fears what he said might actually have stung.  
  
He can’t help but feel shaky and off-kilter as a result and he very much doubts it’s because of the coffee. There’s a small voice in his head telling him that now he’s confronted a Mitchell he’s going to somehow end up on the Mitchell hit list that no doubt exists somewhere or other.  
  
Okay, so maybe that particular thought is irrational but still, he stood up to Ben fucking Mitchell!  
  
Stuart has always told him that sometimes it is better to confront a person rather than hold back when they are making you feel uncomfortable. He has always said that sometimes you just have to stand up to people. But Stuart’s way of doing that has always been to use his fists and Callum can’t imagine how that would ever solve a situation and besides, he’s never been a violent person himself. Stuart though, well, if Stuart was to see the way Ben looks at Callum sometimes, he most likely wouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.  
  
Callum shudders at the thought. He may not like Ben but he doesn’t wish him any harm, particularly at the hands of his brother.  
  
He had stood up to Ben in the only way he had known how. He just wishes he hadn’t let his temper get the better of him. And now for some insane reason he feels the need to apologise. Because that’s also the kind of person he is. He always feels the need to apologise. It’s a quality he hates about himself.  
  
After pondering over it for more time than he probably should, Callum sighs, rolls off the bed, and goes to leave his room. His bedroom is at the furthest end of the hallway. Ben’s is at the opposite end right next to the entrance. Callum pokes his head out of the door, listening for any sign of his flatmates being in and when he’s satisfied that he can’t hear a sound, he slowly edges his way down the hallway. He doesn’t want anyone to overhear what he has to say to Ben. It’s already embarrassing enough that he’s going to apologise. He doesn’t need witnesses who will end up asking questions afterwards.  
  
As he approaches Ben’s bedroom he quickly goes over what he wants to say in his head. He just needs to apologise and walk away quickly before Ben has chance to kill him.  
  
_He’s not going to kill you_ , he tells himself.  
  
He finally reaches Ben’s bedroom and stops in front of the door. Taking a deep breath to gather his nerves, he raises his hand and –  
  
– the door flies open and Ben is suddenly in front of him. They almost collide and Callum has to take a step back in order to keep his balance. Ben appears to be just as shocked but the surprise is quickly replaced by his usual smirk, their argument seemingly forgotten about.  
  
“Taking me by surprise! Do you have a habit of standing outside people’s bedrooms or is it just something you’ve reserved for me? Because I’m flattered, honestly.”  
  
“Okay, just shut up for a minute, yeah?” Callum interrupts. “I just need to say this and I’m not gonna try again.”  
  
“Let me guess, you’ve admitted to yourself how much you want me?” Ben grins, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms across his chest.  
  
Of course Ben wasn’t going to make this easy. Why should he bother if Ben’s not willing to be serious for once?  
  
“Fine, whatever, I tried.”  
  
He goes to walk away but Ben reaches out, tugging at his elbow and making him turn back around. Callum hates the way the touch of Ben’s hand sends tingles down his spine. That’s new.  
  
Ben is biting at his lip, eyes shining as he looks up at him. “I’m all ears.”  
  
Guessing that this is about as serious as Ben is going to get, Callum takes another deep breath and prepares himself again.  
  
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did about your family. It was wrong of me to bring them into it when none of the others ever have and in future I’ll try not to hold that against you. I know you can’t choose your family; I get that. So I’m sorry. And, you know, if you really are here to study then – well, that’s great.”  
  
Callum trails off when Ben’s smile starts to widen.  
  
“Callum Highway admitting to being wrong, eh? And they said pigs wouldn’t fly.”  
  
“Why d’you have to do this all the time?” he sighs.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Act like everything’s some big joke to you?”  
  
Ben just shrugs at that. “Why do you have to pretend to hate me all the time?”  
  
Callum doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say in response. He doesn’t hate Ben, he doesn’t think he could ever find it within himself to hate anyone, but he hates the way Ben behaves and the way he makes him feel. Still, admitting that he doesn’t hate Ben would be too much like handing something over to Ben. He’s not willing to do that. He’s not willing to give Ben the satisfaction.  
  
“Who says I’m pretending?”  
  
Ben moves closer to him and reaches out, placing his index finger on his chest and Callum feels his stomach flip as Ben lowers the placement of his finger and traces down, stopping at his navel.  
  
Callum swallows just as Ben’s eyes meet his.  
  
“Come on, Callum,” he says, voice low. “You want me just as much as I want you.”  
  
Heat curls up inside him and he doesn’t know whether he’s scared by it or turned on by it. His mouth feels dry and he can still feel Ben’s fingers where they’re lingering at the bottom of his shirt. There’s flecks of dark blue in Ben’s eyes and he’s biting at his lip again and _god_ , why is he even looking at Ben’s mouth?  
  
There’s something about Ben that’s intoxicating and it’s stifling being in his presence and yet, he can’t seem to get his feet to move and walk away.  
  
He closes his eyes, telling himself that this is Ben Mitchell. It’s the same Ben Mitchell that infuriates him and who is arrogant and narcissistic. It’s the same Ben Mitchell who has made him feel uncomfortable just for the hell of it, laughing when he’s seen the effect he’s had.  
  
Callum has purposely been going out of his way to avoid him. They’re polar opposites. _This_ , this feeling in the pit of his stomach that is sending out sparks throughout his body, it’s wrong. It’s so very wrong.  
  
“See, you do want me.”  
  
He opens his eyes to Ben’s smile getting bigger. Mustering up as much strength as he can manage, he forces himself to take a step back, creating distance between them both.  
  
“In your dreams,” he mutters, the words coming out shaky and quiet. He tries to find his footing, but he’s long since lost solid ground.  
  
Ben chuckles. “Oh believe me, you are.”  
  
Callum feels like a bird that hasn’t yet learned how to fly. He’s free-falling and the best he can hope for is a soft landing. Ben puts him on edge and he wants to run; run away from him and his words and his eyes and this _fucking ridiculous_ feeling that has suddenly appeared from nowhere. But he can’t because if he does that then Ben’s won – Callum will forever be the person he continues to toy with for his own amusement. He can’t put up with a whole year of this. He has to gain back some control.  
  
“Y-you treat people as though you expect them to just……fall at your feet. You wanna get me into bed just so you can say you have.” His voice is still shaky but he fights through it. “Only – only I’m not like everyone else, yeah? I-I’m not gonna play these games with you. I’m not going to be added to your list of conquests. If you think – If you think that I’d want you when you’ve got no respect for anyone round here then, I don’t know……you’re deluded, aren’t you?”  
  
Callum feels his heart thudding in his chest waiting on Ben’s response. Ben studies him for a moment, seeming to take in his words and Callum feels encouraged by his silence. Maybe he can draw even on this. Maybe he can make Ben see that he’s not someone he can mess with whenever he likes.  
  
“You act like you only see people as objects to satisfy your own needs and you’ve given me no reason to think otherwise,” he continues, feeling all the more emboldened as he talks. “I’m being big enough to apologise for bringing up your family. And I’ll say it again – I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tarnished you with the same brush considering I’ve only known you a few weeks. But everything else I’ve said, I don’t think I’m wrong about, and if that makes me judgemental like you said then fine.”  
  
Ben keeps his gaze steady and offers no reaction. Callum begins to feel his skin reddening and perhaps now would be a good time to walk away from this.  
  
Only Ben’s nodding and closing the gap between them again. “So now you’ve got that off your chest, did you want to come into my room and loosen up a bit?”  
  
Callum feels the wind knocked out of him. Has Ben not been listening to anything? He shakes his head in disbelief. If 'loosening up' is a euphemism for sexual activity of any kind then he isn’t remotely interested, despite any feeling his body has to the contrary. His body clearly doesn’t know what’s good for him.  
  
“I was joking, Callum,” Ben chuckles when he sees his expression. “See, if you took the time to get to know me you’d realise that I can make jokes like that and not actually mean anything by them. It’s just who I am. You’d also learn to take what I’m guessing you perceive as arrogance with a pinch of salt.”  
  
Ben has a surprisingly good read on him. Either that or he’s used to people feeling the same way about him as Callum does.  
  
“I’m right, aren’t I?” he asks. When Callum still doesn’t respond, he adds, “Yeah, thought so. You won’t even take just a few minutes to try to get to know me, will you? Instead you’re gonna continue judging me based on the pre-conceived notions you have of me and the, what? Maybe two or three hours of the time you’ve spent around me over the last few weeks?” He huffs out a laugh. “Yeah. See, maybe, whilst you’re pointing out my flaws, Callum, which by the way, you’re well within your right to do, maybe you should consider you own.”  
  
Ben moves towards the entrance of the flat as he goes to leave. “Now, if you don’t mind, I was on my way out. And no, it doesn’t involve a hook up before you jump to that conclusion.”  
  
Callum watches as Ben opens the door and walks out, heading towards the stairwell without looking back. The door slams shut behind him and Callum is left in the empty hallway wondering how Ben has somehow managed to turn it all back on him.  
  
He feels a cold sensation run through his body, putting out any fires that had been there just a few short moments ago. He’s fairly certain he’s just gone and made the situation worse and if he wasn’t on the Mitchell hit list before, Ben will surely be adding him to it now.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Wednesday again which means another chapter :) I actually forgot it was Wednesday today so this almost didn't get posted. This is quite a long chapter compared to the others but I really hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading and to those leaving kudos and/or comments - they are very much appreciated. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Four  
  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum doesn’t see Ben for several days following their argument. Arguments: plural. He berates himself that his apology had once again resulted in him saying things he shouldn’t have said and is angry that it gave Ben another opportunity to get the upper hand.

But it’s not just that. He’s still perturbed by the way it felt to have Ben’s hands on him, the way having him so close had filled him with something akin to desire. He’s been trying to figure out what it was ever since, because surely it couldn’t have actually been desire, could it? Surely someone like Ben couldn’t make him feel like _that?_ He thinks about the hook up’s that Ben has gloated about, seen the way people fall under his spell, and he’s determined not to let the same thing happen to him.

In the end, he puts it down to a lapse of sanity. That’s the only explanation. It won’t be happening again.

Ben hasn’t been around over the last few days. Either that, or he and Callum keep missing each other. He hasn’t been in the kitchen in the evenings when all the flatmates tend to gather and he hasn’t been in any of the lectures either. Callum had considered asking if anyone knew where he was but they hadn’t seemed concerned for his whereabouts and Callum hadn’t wanted to make himself look suspicious for asking.

Annoyingly, the lack of Ben’s presence has come to be just as unnerving as having him around. And so when he sees Ben again, heading in his direction, it almost comes as a relief that he’s back.

He and Jay had left the flat just minutes ago and are making their way to their first lectures of the day. Lola had gone on ahead, wanting to grab a coffee, and said she’d catch them up. Jay had just been moaning about what a chore nine o’clock lectures were when Ben had appeared in the distance. Callum had spotted him immediately, the black leather jacket unmistakeable.

“The wonderer returns,” Jay remarks as Ben draws nearer now.

“Well, I know how much you lot would miss me. Besides can’t miss all the fun round here can I?”  
  
“You’ve hardly missed anything mate,” Jay says, slapping at Ben’s shoulder in greeting. “With Ruby never around and you gone, it’s been quiet.”  
  
Ruby is a constant mystery. No one ever sees her but Whitney, who sleeps in the next bedroom, says she hears her through the walls sometimes, and Callum has often seen her dirty dishes and cups at the side of the sink which suggests that she’s using the flat.  
  
As it goes, it’s only Jay who ever sees her when they’re in lectures together and even that is from a distance. It gives everyone something to talk about though.  
  
Ben is a mystery too with how he often disappears and yet no one chooses to talk about him.  
  
Callum stays quiet as Ben falls into line with them as they walk through the doors of the main building.  
  
“So, where’ve you been?” Jay asks, turning to look at Ben beside him.  
  
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he teases.  
  
“Yep, that’s why he’s asking.” Callum turns to see Lola behind them, coffee now in hand. “I thought I was going to be late. Took me ages to get this.”  
  
Jay mutters something under his breath about how it’s cheaper to bring coffee from the flat which doesn’t go unheard by Lola and she nudges him in the side. He laughs lightly in response before motioning to a corridor coming up on the right.  
  
“This is me. See you back at the flat later, yeah?”  
  
Jay goes on ahead, turning down the corridor and falling out of sight.  
  
“So, tell me,” Ben says. “What fascinating things have I been missing out on this week?”  
  
They continue walking and Callum just about manages to tune out Lola telling Ben about the different reading material they’ve been given. Ben has been back two minutes and he’s yet to say anything flirtatious or crude and he hasn’t even looked Callum’s way. It must be a record. Maybe their argument the other day really has made a difference after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That afternoon, Callum returns to the flat after catching up with Johnny over lunch. Johnny is moving up North at the weekend to start university himself but he had wanted to hear all about Callum’s experiences before he went. Callum had much preferred hearing about what Johnny had been getting up to and they had laughed as they’d talked about how Linda had turned into mother hen as she prepared herself for seeing her son leave home for the first time. The Carter’s are a lovely family and Callum feels blessed that they have allowed him into their lives as much as they have.  
  
Speaking to Johnny has made Callum reflect on how much life has changed for him in just a few short weeks. The flat already feels more like a home to him than his actual home ever has. Even with Ben Mitchell living there. He wonders what that says about Stuart and his Dad when he would rather live with a Mitchell over them.  
  
He hasn't told anyone at university about his home life or his family and no one has ever asked. Whitney has been the most open about her family out of all of them, always talking about her younger siblings and step-mum who is apparently as mad as a box of frogs. From the things he’s heard, Callum thinks it must seem quiet at university in comparison.  
  
He’s glad no one has asked him about his home life. He wouldn’t know how to respond. He can’t help but think about Ben and what it must be like for him to have everyone know about your family and about where you come from. Callum almost starts to feel sorry for the man.  
  
He approaches the flat and wonders whether Ben will be in or whether he will have disappeared again. Ben seems to be on his mind more often than not these days and he doesn’t know how to change that.  
  
Callum swipes his student ID card to gain access to his accommodation block and enters, walking up the first set of stairs to get to his flat. He unlocks the door and the moment he steps into his hallway his mood dissipates.  
  
“Mr Highway!” Ben grins as he appears from the kitchen. “What a pleasure to see you!”  
  
So Ben hasn’t got the message after all then. Callum has to wonder if he purposely stands by the window looking out for him considering the amount of times he just happens to be around when Callum least expects him to be.  
  
He nods in acknowledgement and heads towards his bedroom, passing Ben in the hallway as he does. Unfortunately, Ben decides to follow him.  
  
“I’ve been thinking, maybe we can meet up later to start putting our presentation together properly. What do you say?”  
  
Callum turns to face him as he reaches his bedroom. To say the last time they spoke ended in an argument, Callum isn’t sure whether to trust the smile on Ben’s face.  
  
“You want to work on the presentation?”  
  
“Yeah. I’ve not been around this week and I wouldn’t want to be the one slowing us down. So what d’you think? About half four-ish? My room?”  
  
He considers this. There’s something about Ben’s words that don’t sit right with him. He’s acting……normal almost. It’s unnatural. They’ve never had a trivial conversation such as this before, not without some kind of flirtatious undertone anyway. For some reason, right now Ben sounds nothing like the Ben he’s come to know over the last few weeks. Callum doesn’t feel like he’s in any position to say no. If he does that then he’ll be the one holding the group back and it would be beneficial for all three of them if they can get it done sooner rather than later. But at the same time, he isn’t sure why Ben is suggesting his room as the study location.  
  
“Uh, yeah, sounds good I guess. What about the kitchen though? We’ll have more space, won’t we?”  
  
“Oh, well yeah we could, but that means we’ll have to ban Jay and Whitney from being around which hardly seems fair if you ask me. They’ll only be a distraction otherwise. And before you know it, Jay will be on _Call of Duty_ or _Fifa_ or whatever and that’s definitely a distraction for me. But hey, if you think the kitchen would be better…..”  
  
Callum hates to admit it, but Ben has a point. The last thing they need is for Jay to rope Ben into a mission or a tournament – it would be a waste of his and Lola’s time.  
  
“Okay,” he agrees. “Your room then at half four.”  
  
“Right! I’ll let Lola know. See you in a bit.”  
  
Ben smiles and turns around going to knock on Lola’s bedroom door. Callum watches him for a moment and then opens his own door and slips inside.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Less than an hour later, Callum is knocking on Ben’s door, heart thudding in his chest for reasons he can’t explain.  
  
“Come in!” he hears Ben call from inside the room. He turns the handle, feeling sweat on his palms as he does, and walks in.  
  
Lola isn’t here yet. When he comments on this, Ben shrugs and says she’ll be along soon so Callum moves further into the room and comes to stand awkwardly beside the desk which Ben is sitting at. He has a laptop open in front of him which he closes as Callum nears.  
  
“I wasn’t sure if we’d need anything so I brought some of these books,” Callum says, placing them down on the desk.  
  
“I reckon we’ll be alright. Make yourself comfy.”  
  
He anxiously looks around the room, feeling out of place.  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh. “You can sit down you know. I don’t bite. Unless you ask nicely.”  
  
Callum shoots a glare his way and Ben smirks before motioning towards the bed. “Sit down. Please,” he insists.  
  
“Sure you’d love that,” Callum responds, staring at the bed in front of him.  
  
“I just said to sit on the bed, Callum, not to take off your clothes, lie down and open your legs for me. Not that I’d say no.”  
  
Callum frowns at that, feeling mildly disgusted by the idea. Ben sighs.  
  
“You’ve got me so wrong, you know.”  
  
Callum thinks back to their argument the other day and the way Ben had accused him of not taking the time to get to know him. He doesn’t feel now is the time to revisit that so instead slowly lowers himself onto the bed, sitting precariously on the edge of it.  
  
Ben’s bedroom is different to how Callum had imagined it would be. It’s set out exactly like all the others but Callum had expected it to be an utter mess like Jay’s or Whitney’s rooms are. He never considered Ben might be a very tidy person so he’s surprised to see that Ben’s room actually looks organised and taken care of.  
  
There are several posters on the walls. Some are of bands Callum doesn’t recognise the names of. His pin board is covered in ticket stubs and memorabilia and Callum is surprised to see that a lot seem to be from musicals. He certainly didn’t have Ben down as being the type to enjoy a musical.  
  
Something missing from the room though is a lack of photographs. There’s no sign of family like there is in everyone else’s bedrooms. He wonders if that was Ben's choice or whether Ben simply doesn’t have any photos he can use.  
  
On the whole, the room seems normal; like any other students just as Ben had proclaimed himself to be. To look at it, no one would guess that it was now home to one of the Mitchell’s.  
  
Callum feels Ben’s eyes on him and when he turns to look there’s a soft smile on Ben’s face.  
  
“What?” he asks cautiously.  
  
“You’re surprised.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Yeah, you are,” Ben says. “I’ve seen that look before, more times than I can count.”  
  
Callum doesn’t know what he means. “What look?”  
  
“The look people get when the curtain falls and they realise I’m not some monster they had themselves believe I was.”  
  
“I never said you were a monster,” he denies, shaking his head rapidly.  
  
Ben nods and looks down at his lap. It’s clear he doesn’t believe him. Guilt washes over him suddenly and he realises that even though he’s never thought of Ben as a monster, he’s never thought of him as anything good either.  
  
The room is silent for a moment and Callum feels at a loss for what to say. He glances back at the pin board and focusses in on a ticket stub for _‘Les Miserables’_. The date on it is from the beginning of this year. Callum tries to picture the Ben he’s been living with as being the same Ben who went to go and see that show. Who did Ben go with? He can’t quite imagine the notorious Phil Mitchell tagging along with his son for a father-son bonding day.  
  
It strikes Callum then just how much about Ben he _doesn’t_ know.  
  
“So,” Ben says, breaking the silence, “I haven’t made a pass at you, we’re sitting here having a normal conversation – I’d say we’re doing good. Just like my room, you’ll find that time spent with me is boring when compared to what people think they’re gonna get.”  
  
“And what do people think they’re going to get?” Callum asks.  
  
“You tell me.”  
  
Callum’s not sure whether that’s a trick question or whether Ben genuinely wants to know how Callum perceives him. It sounds like he is honestly trying to be friendly but Callum can’t tell for certain. He never can when it comes to Ben.  
  
“Did, uh, did Lola say if she was running late?” Callum asks, changing the subject in an attempt to avoid answering Ben’s question. He looks at the digital clock beside the bed and sees that it is already nearing twenty to five. Lola was supposed to be here ten minutes ago.  
  
Looking back, Ben suddenly seems uncomfortable.  
  
“I……The thing is…...,” Ben begins, unsure of himself. “I didn’t actually mention this to Lola.”  
  
“I don’t get it. I thought you wanted to sort out this presentation?” As soon as the words come out of his mouth, the realisation over what is actually going on hits him. “Was all this a cover up just to get me here?”  
  
Even as he asks though, he isn’t sure he wants to hear the answer. He was just coming around to the idea of there being more to Ben than what he’s spent so long believing and had started to think that he should be giving Ben a chance after all. But now realising he’s been coerced to the room under false pretences makes all of those thoughts evaporate in an instant. _This_ is Ben Mitchell. A liar and a manipulator.  
  
When Ben doesn’t give him an answer, Callum stands and moves hastily towards the door. Ben leaps off his chair and moves over, blocking the door to stop Callum from leaving. Callum feels panic creep in and tries to remind himself that he’s being irrational. Ben isn’t going to hurt him. And yet, the other man remains in front of him blocking the exit.  
  
“What are you so afraid of?” Ben asks, picking up on how tense he is.  
  
“You brought me here under false pretences.” Callum would have thought that was practically self-explanatory.  
  
“Yeah, because I wanted to spend time with you – get to know you.”  
  
“Why me? Why not one of the others.”  
  
Ben sighs. “Because Jay and I are already mates and Lola’s taken time to talk to me as well. I wanna get to know Ruby and Whitney more and hopefully I will but you seem to believe a lot about me and I thought if we just had a chat then maybe you’d feel differently. I know nothing about you, Callum, and you like to think you know everything about me. I thought that if we just spent some time together I could put you right on a few things.”  
  
Callum glances towards the door and then back at Ben wondering if he’s going to have to force Ben to move out of his path. The difference in size between them leaves Callum in no doubt that he could if it came to that.  
  
“Put me right on what exactly?” he asks. “I know who your family are, Ben. I’ve heard about all the things they’ve done. And it doesn’t matter if the media have twisted it or not because there wouldn’t be anything to twist if they hadn’t done anything wrong.”  
  
“I thought you weren’t going to use my family against me?” Ben accuses.  
  
“You can’t ask me to just forget about them, Ben.” He reaches for the door, moving closer to Ben in an attempt to get around him. “And you were wrong, what you said before. I don’t think I know everything about you. All I know is that you’re a Mitchell. Why should I feel okay around you just because other people do? You’re a mystery to me.”  
  
Callum presses closer and Ben looks up at him. He sees the way Ben’s eyes flicker downwards momentarily and it’s enough to make him feel that same heat from the other day curling up inside of him again.  
  
“You know what they say,” Ben whispers. “Everyone loves a mysterious bad boy.”  
  
Callum has to get out of this room. Right now.  
  
“Yeah, a bad boy,” he says whilst he still can. “Not a death wish.”  
  
He pushes Ben aside and opens the door, making huge strides across the hallway with an urgent need to be back to the safety of his own bedroom. He doesn’t need to look back to know that Ben is watching him walk away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum has been lying on his bed ever since he had returned to his bedroom almost three hours ago. He had lost track of time, only realising that it was nearing six o’clock when he noticed that the sky was growing dark outside. He can’t get his altercation with Ben out of his head and the more he thinks about it, the more frustrated he’s becoming with himself.  
  
For one brief moment in time, he had allowed himself to believe that he had been wrong about Ben and that he’d judged him far too soon. Only he had been tricked and Callum feels like he was used for Ben’s own amusement and he hates that. He hates that Ben thinks he is someone who can be manipulated easily - an easy target.  
  
And _god_ , Callum had gone and _fallen_ for it so perhaps that does make him a perfect candidate for Ben to use after all.  
  
Ben had claimed that all he wanted was to get to know him and although there may have been some truth in that, it’s just as possible that all Ben really wanted to do was try his luck and get him into bed. He doesn’t want to become one of Ben’s conquests. Because that’s all men are to him – conquests.  
  
The worst thing about it all, the thing that Callum has tried not to give any thought to but that his body keeps reminding him of, is that Ben makes him feel all kinds of things that scare him. He doesn’t just unnerve him and make him uncomfortable, but at times those shots and sparks of heat in his stomach have been undeniable, as much as he wishes he could deny them. He’s simultaneously repulsed and turned on by Ben and it’s something that doesn’t make any sense to him. It’s almost like he’s teetering on the edge of something and he’s scared of the fall.  
  
A knock comes at the door, breaking him out of his thoughts. He sits up, the ache in his back reminding him of how long he’s been lying here for. After a moment he moves towards the door, flicking on the light switch as he goes. He opens the door to find Ben in the hallway holding out several textbooks.  
  
“You left your books on my desk,” he smiles, handing them over.  
  
“Thanks.” When Ben doesn’t say anything else or make a move to leave, Callum asks, “Was there anything else you wanted?”  
  
“I can think of a few things,” he smirks. “But since that’s probably a serious question then no, there’s nothing else.”  
  
“Right, well thanks for bringing my books back then,” Callum replies, choosing to ignore the first part of Ben’s reply.  
  
When he still makes no attempt to move away, Callum closes the door, pressing his ear against it and listening out for any sign that Ben is still standing at the other side. Thankfully, he hears a door opening and closing at the other end of the hallway and lets out a sigh of relief.  
  
What is Ben turning him into that he’s now listening at doorways? Callum wishes he wasn’t so focussed on his every movement all the time. They’re only a few weeks in. How is he supposed to endure this for a year?  
  
He walks away from the door, going to put the textbooks on the shelf. As he lifts them, a slip of paper falls out from between the pages, fluttering down to the floor. Callum puts the books down and bends to pick the paper up. It’s folded in half and looks to have been torn from a notepad. Unfolding it, he reads the words that have been scrawled on it.  
  
_Is that all you’re afraid of?_  
  
A chill creeps down his spine as he stares at the words. They’re written in what Callum has come to recognise as Ben’s handwriting but even if he didn’t know, there wouldn’t be any doubt in his mind that this note is from Ben.  
  
This is a message from him but Callum doesn’t know what he means. Is this Ben’s way of playing games knowing the effect it would have on him? He scrunches up the note and throws it towards the wastepaper bin underneath the desk. Even in the bin though, Callum knows the paper is still there. The words are etched on his mind now and he can hear the sound of Ben’s voice saying them.  
  
Throwing on a hoodie and his trainers, he decides to go for a jog. He hasn’t eaten, it’s getting late, and he’s wearing jeans that he can’t be bothered changing out of, but he just wants to get out of his own head for a little bit and stop thinking about the man that’s slowly turning him into a paranoid wreck.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum runs and runs and runs until his legs ache. Eventually, he decides to be sensible and go back to the flat. He needs food. He’s used to skipping meals having grown up often not knowing where his next one would come from, but ever since he started earning his own money, missing out on dinner is something he’s managed to avoid. Running on an empty stomach has made him feel sick and he returns to the flat with the intention of making something quick and simple and getting ready for bed.  
  
Once again, as if on cue, Ben is there. He’s in the kitchen this time, sitting on one of the sofas with a games controller in his hand. If Callum wasn’t so in need of food, he’s sure he’d walk back out again. Instead, he goes over to the cupboard looking for inspiration.  
  
“You know, I will never tire of you looking like that,” Ben says from behind him. “Of course, the joggers would have completed the look but hey, I’ll take what I can get.”  
  
Callum ignores him, wiping sweat off his forehead and pushing strands of hair back from his face. He decides on noodles in the end, pulling out a packet and boiling the kettle. He’s not proud of himself for the culinary decision.  
  
When the kettle boils, he pours the water over his noodles before putting the bowl into the microwave and setting the timer.  
  
“You not gonna talk to me then?” Ben asks and damn, Callum knew the silence wouldn’t last long.  
  
“What’s there to say?” he shrugs.  
  
“Did you get my note?”  
  
Callum inhales sharply at the reminder. He’d somehow managed to forget about it whilst he’d been out.  
  
“Why d’you keep trying to get inside my head? I just want you to leave me alone if that’s not too much trouble.”  
  
Ben puts down his controller and leans forward, arms resting on his knees. “We live together. We’re on the same course. We can’t pussy-foot around each other for the rest of the year.”  
  
Callum doesn’t see why not. It sounds like a great idea to him.  
  
“I just need you to stop all your little games with me. Whatever you think’s going to happen, you’re wrong, alright?”  
  
“Is this about me trying to get you into bed again? Because seriously, Callum, you seem to be thinking about that more than I am. Besides, I don’t know why I’d bother; it’s obvious you’re too frigid.”  
  
Callum scoffs, leaning back against the kitchen unit. “You might be used to pulling the strings at home, but you’re not gonna do it here and you’re not gonna do it with me.”  
  
“Oh, we’re getting on to the family now, are we?” Ben says a little louder, standing from the sofa. “That’s all you’ve got to throw at me, isn’t it? My sex life and my family life. You ever get bored of the same argument, Callum?”  
  
“Yeah, I do, but you never seem to listen.”  
  
“And guess what? This time’s no different.” He turns, walking towards the door before turning back. “You know your problem? You think you’re better than everyone else. Perfect little life, perfect little family – "  
  
“You don’t know anything about my family.”  
  
“Well guess fucking what, Callum?” he shouts now, throwing his arms out. “You don’t know anything about mine either!”  
  
Ben turns then, walking out of the room and slamming the door behind him. Callum puts his head down on the unit and closes his eyes, allowing himself to breathe. Ben infuriates him but he had been right, hadn’t he? They can’t keep arguing like this, it’s not fair on the rest of the flat.  
  
The microwave pings from beside him and he looks up at it. He’s not even hungry anymore but he knows he needs to eat. He also knows he’s going to have to apologise to Ben again. Not that he was in the wrong, Ben should never have sent him that stupid note, but someone needs to hold out an olive branch.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum thankfully manages to avoid Ben for the rest of the following day. He still has no idea how they are ever going to find an amicable standpoint between them. It’s not as if he himself can do all the work. If Ben continues going out of his way to make him uncomfortable then Callum isn’t going to carry on putting up with it nor should he have to.  
  
When Lola demands that he goes to the Student Union bar that night with her and Whitney, Callum almost says no, wanting an early night, but she manages to persuade him into a few drinks anyway.  
  
That’s how he finds himself sitting in a booth in the corner of the bar later on that evening, bottle of beer in front of him and Lola and Whitney sitting across from him. Callum’s mind is elsewhere though and he can’t concentrate on the conversation, leaving Lola and Whitney to mostly talk amongst themselves with a few of his own utterances thrown in to make them think he’s listening.  
  
At that moment, Ben walks through the doors with Jay following closely behind him. Callum rolls his eyes. Of course Ben would be here. It’s not enough that he’s plaguing Callum’s thoughts, he has to be everywhere Callum looks too.  
  
“I didn’t know Ben and Jay were joining us?” Callum says interrupting Whitney mid-sentence.  
  
Whitney and Lola turn to look in the direction of the entrance and Lola puts her hand up to get their attention, waving them over when they spot her.  
  
“Well I didn’t invite them,” Whitney says, turning back to face Callum. “You know I’m not Ben Mitchell’s biggest fan.”  
  
_We’re the only ones who aren’t_ , he thinks, glad that there’s at least someone else that still has their reservations about him.  
  
Whitney turns to Lola and looks at her pointedly.  
  
“What? _I_ didn’t mention anything to them.”  
  
As if to confirm what she’s saying, as soon as Ben and Jay reach their table, Jay says, “Didn’t know you’d be here tonight.”  
  
Callum notices the way he is speaking directly to Lola, soft smile on his face. She smiles up at him in return, eyes shining.  
  
“Didn’t know you would be either.”  
  
“Alright you two, give it a rest, will you?” Ben pipes up, nudging Jay’s arm with his elbow.  
  
Lola and Jay continue smiling at one another, completely oblivious to Ben’s words. Callum can’t believe they’re yet to get together. They’ve been dancing around each other for the last couple of weeks, yet neither of them seem to have done anything about it yet. And it’s so obvious that Callum can’t imagine Lola and Jay not being able to see it themselves. Surely it’s only a matter of time for the pair.  
  
“Thought you wanted a game of pool?” Ben says to Jay, nudging him again.  
  
Jay breaks out of his staring contest with Lola to look at Ben. “Yeah, yeah I do. I’m – I’m coming now.”  
  
“Prepare to be thrashed!”  
  
Jay laughs and glances towards Callum. “Want to join us for a game?”  
  
“No, I’ll pass mate, but thanks,” Callum smiles, giving a small wave of his hand.  
  
Jay shrugs and he and Ben head off across the room towards the pool table. Callum watches as they go. He might have indulged in a game or two if Ben hadn’t been there. He turns back towards the girls and attempts to pick up on where they’re at in their conversation but it’s hard when all he can think about is words on a slip of paper, still sitting at the bottom of his bin.  
  
_Is that all you’re afraid of?_  
  
The words run through his mind over and over, have done ever since the previous day.  
  
Looking over towards the pool table, he sees Jay and Ben have been joined by some other students. Ben grins at one of the guys as he sets up the pool balls at the centre of the table. The guy laughs and puts a hand on Ben’s back.  
  
How does Ben do that? How does he manage to get people on side so quickly?  
  
Ben turns towards the guy, moving closer to him. They’re talking happily to one another but from the way it looks, Callum can only assume that Ben has decided who his next hook up will be with.  
  
“So, what do you think?” Lola asks, bringing Callum back to the conversation.  
  
“Uh, yeah, great!” replies Callum and it seems to be the right answer when Lola’s face brightens with excitement.  
  
It transpires that Callum has agreed to join the girls for a trip into town to buy Christmas decorations. Apparently Callum is the perfect person to carry a Christmas tree all the way back to campus. He doesn’t understand what the point of decorating will be. None of them are going to be here for the Christmas holidays and it’s still only the middle of October. Why are they even discussing it? Besides, surely buying Christmas decorations so early has got to be some kind of curse.  
  
But he’s already agreed to it and it’s going to sound strange if he starts to back out now. So he continues to smile and nod in all the right places and pretends to be just as enthusiastic as Lola and Whitney are.  
  
He looks back in the direction of the pool table again to see Ben still flirting with the other guy. Something prickles inside him at the sight but he can’t place what it is. Maybe it’s just that he’s fed up of this side of Ben who seems to flirt with everything that moves.  
  
Callum thinks back to how Ben had told him that lots of students take the chance at being away from home to sleep around. With no parents around, there’s no ground rules for having people sleep over. He had been right of course, and Callum can understand why such a thing would happen, but he himself can’t grasp the concept of wanting to have sex with so many different people in such a small amount of time. He doesn’t consider sex to be sacred or anything like that, nor does he think it’s something only to be had with the person you’re in love with, but he’s always been of the belief that it should mean _something_. He can’t imagine sleeping with someone and have it mean nothing at all and he certainly can’t imagine it being with someone he doesn’t even know the name of and who he’ll never see again after the fact.  
  
But another thing that frustrates him about the view in front of him is that it seems everyone worships the ground Ben walks on and he thrives of it. It’s no wonder that he’s so bloody arrogant all the time.  
  
Callum watches as Ben laughs at something the guy says and then moves away, going towards the nearby table to pick up his drink. Ben lifts the bottle to his mouth and tips it, drinking the beer inside. As he does, his eyes suddenly meet Callum’s and Callum feels his face heat up at being caught staring.  
  
Ben appears surprised by it, pausing in his drinking before slowly lowering the bottle again. Callum tears his eyes away and tries to focus back on Lola and Whitney who are now talking about Jay’s upcoming birthday. He tries to follow what they’re saying but he can still feel Ben’s eyes on him and even though he shouldn’t, he can’t help but look back up.  
  
Ben smirks the moment their eyes meet. Callum’s brain screams at him to look away but he can’t. It’s like he’s frozen and has no sense of anything else going on around him and no concept of the seconds that continue to tick by.  
  
Their eyes remain locked for several moments before the guy Ben has been flirting with sidles up to him. Ben turns towards him and Callum is glad that his attention is now elsewhere. His heart is racing. He needs another drink. He needs fresh air.  
  
Callum stands, eyes on the exit sign.  
  
“Woah, where are you going?” Lola asks, putting a hand out to stop him from walking away. She looks concerned at his sudden departure and he realises then that he hadn’t even told them he was going.  
  
“Uh, just feel a bit sick. Gonna step outside and get some air.”  
  
“Shall I come with you?” asks Whitney in concern.  
  
Callum shakes his head. “No, no, I’ll be fine in a bit.”  
  
He pulls away from Lola and heads towards the door. He feels eyes on him again and hopes it’s just Lola and Whitney watching him leave. The last thing he needs right now is Ben following him out.  
  
Once outside, Callum leans back against the wall of the building. He breathes out slowly, letting the cold night air seep through his bones.  
  
What just happened? Why had he looked at Ben for so long? Why is he always so focused on him? Ben’s words come back to him again.  
  
_Is that all you’re afraid of?_


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback on the last chapter :) It's all very much appreciated and means the world!
> 
> Here's chapter 5! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Five  
  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum stares vacantly ahead as steam rises from the kettle signifying its boil. He doesn’t make to move, instead keeping his gaze on the wall opposite, lost in his own thoughts. Last night he hadn’t been able to get a wink of sleep, thoughts of Ben swirling around his head, the way his eyes had bore into his own from across the room. He still hasn’t had chance to sort things out with him since their last argument and Callum isn’t sure what kind of reception he’ll get from him today. But he does want them to settle their differences, or at least try to for the sake of the rest of the flat.

“It won’t pour itself you know,” Lola teases, picking the kettle up and pouring water into Callum’s mug for him. He hadn’t even realised she was there.

“Oh, sorry; thanks.”

Her face falls and she reaches up to touch his forehead. “You’re not still feeling sick are you?” she asks, referring to his early departure from the SU last night.

“No, no, just out of it today. Tired.”

She looks as though she doesn’t believe him but nods anyway as she opens a cupboard.

“I thought we could go to the library after our lecture and put together our presentation. That alright with you?”

“Fine, yeah.” It will mean spending time with Ben but Callum will just be glad to get the work finished with. And the library is a safe option. There’s no chance Ben can corner him in there.

“Whose are these?”

Callum turns to see her holding a box of cereal in her hand. “Ben’s I think.”

Lola smiles at the response and goes to pour some of the cereal into a bowl. “He won’t mind. Probably won’t even notice. Speaking of, he’s not coming to the lecture.”  
  
“How come?”  
  
“Said he has something to do. He swore blind he’ll make it back in time for the library though.”  
  
Callum huffs. “How come he keeps disappearing so often?”  
  
Lola shrugs and makes a non-committal sound suggesting she doesn’t know. Maybe it’s for the best that none of them know where Ben goes or what he gets up to. If it’s got anything to do with his family then they’re all better off out of it.  
  
“So me and Whit were talking last night after you left and we were thinking about putting together a surprise party for Jay’s birthday. He’s meeting up with some mates from home during the day so we’ll be able to set it all up without him knowing. What do you reckon?”  
  
Callum loves the idea. He’s never been to a surprise party before and the thought is already making him excited.  
  
“Sounds great! I’m on board for that! But let’s not invite the whole uni, okay? It’ll only get out of hand and messy and I don’t think any of us want that.”  
  
“Agreed.”  
  
Callum smiles and says, “You must really like him to be going to all this trouble for him.” Lola looks at him curiously so his elaborates. “You obviously like each other.”  
  
Lola blushes at that, dimples showing as she smiles widely.  
  
“Maybe. I don’t know. Guess we’ll see what happens.”  
  
Ben walks into the kitchen then, rubbing at is eyes and yawning. He’s half dressed, walking around in his boxer shorts and looking like he’s only just rolled out of bed.  
  
“I used some of your cornflakes,” Lola says, as she picks up the bowl of cereal and leaves the room.  
  
“Oh, you’re welcome!” Ben chuckles, calling after her before turning his attention to Callum. “What are you smiling about?”  
  
Callum shakes his head. “Nothing.”  
  
Lola’s mood seems to have rubbed off on him and he’s already getting ideas for the surprise party they can throw for Jay. He’s about to follow on after her when he remembers the olive branch that he’s yet to hold out to Ben.  
  
There’s no time like the present.  
  
“Lola said you’re not coming to the lecture this morning,” he says, hoping it will act as an opener to create some kind of conversation between them.  
  
“No, I’ve got stuff to do. And before you say anything about taking our presentation seriously, I’ll be back in time for the library.”  
  
Callum wasn’t going to say anything about that but he supposes he deserves Ben’s coolness anyway. If he wasn’t trying to make amends then he probably would have made a comment such as that to him.  
  
“Besides, I wouldn’t want to be away for so long that you’d miss me,” Ben adds, winking at him.  
  
Choosing to ignore that, Callum says, “Look, I was hoping we could maybe – "  
  
“Saw you staring at me last night,” Ben continues, interrupting Callum before he gets chance to go any further in his plea to build bridges.  
  
“Don’t know what you mean.”  
  
“You weren't jealous were you, Callum? Of me and that bloke?”  
  
He’s fighting a losing battle. There’s no talking to Ben when he gets like this. He doesn’t know why he’s even bothering.  
  
“Not everything’s about you, Ben. You can flirt with whoever you want as long as it’s not me.”  
  
Ben moves closer to him, making Callum step backwards until he's bumping into the kitchen unit.  
  
“Well you say that, but I think you should stop pretending that this isn’t happening.” His voice is low and his eyes flicker down Callum’s body. Callum should push him away but he finds himself wanting to pull Ben closer instead. “You want this just as much as I do.”  
  
And he’s right isn’t he? Callum feels terrified at the thought of just how right he is. He doesn’t know why this keeps happening; why there’s a part of him that wants Ben even though the rapidly dwindling amount of common sense he has left is telling him to leave well alone.  
  
He stares at him, wondering what’s going to happen next. He’s frozen, the unit behind him pressing into his back, his feet firmly stuck to the floor. He’s torn between what he wants Ben to do next, step back or pull him closer, and the fact that it’s such an indecision for him terrifies him even more.  
  
Ben smiles a little and huffs out a laugh and then he’s suddenly moving away and leaving the room.  
  
Callum can’t even turn to watch him go, so fixated he is on the things in his head. The moment has him paralysed as if Ben is still here in front of him. Callum almost wishes he was.  
  
He can’t want Ben. He has no reason to want Ben. Ben is dangerous. Ben is arrogant. Ben hasn’t shown one good quality since he’s been here. So why? What is it about Ben that causes him to feel drawn to him all of a sudden? Why is it that he can’t get Ben out of his head?  
  
He picks up his cup of coffee and pours it down the sink, feeling sick at the thought of drinking it. He wishes things could just be simple like they are with Jay and Lola. Two people who clearly like each other. Callum doesn’t even _like_ Ben, that’s what makes it all the more confusing. How can he want someone he doesn’t even like?  
  
He wishes he could go back to bed, fall asleep and wake up to find it has all been some kind of terrible nightmare. But he knows he can’t. He has a lecture in twenty minutes and then a session in the library with Lola and Ben after that.

It’s going to be a long day.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum sits in his room that evening, scrolling through his social media feed and looking at pictures that have been uploaded from people he knew at school. Everyone seems to be really enjoying university life and making new friends.  
  
There’s a picture of Johnny surrounded by the rest of the Carter’s, a status about it being a farewell meal just above it. It’s strange to think that some universities are yet to start when he himself has been here for almost four weeks now. He misses the Carter’s and seeing Johnny’s picture makes him feel a little homesick, not from his own home of course, but from the Carter’s home. He should get in touch with Mick and Linda, let them know how he’s getting on, but the thought of hearing their voices makes him miss them even more.  
  
It’s not that he’s not enjoying being at university because he is. He’s so glad to be away from his Dad and it’s nice not to have to deal with Stuart being so unpredictable all the time. But he knows he hasn’t fully settled in here yet. It’s a struggle with Ben around and if he can only find a way to rid himself of the confusing effect that the man has on him, then he’s sure he would be a lot happier.  
  
They had managed to complete their presentation that day which Callum was happy about. Ben had been the one to create the PowerPoint which meant his eyes at been mostly on the screen in front of him rather than on Callum. They’d had a practice run through afterwards, deciding upon who would present each part. He had been nervous enough to speak in front of Lola and Ben, having never been confident with public speaking, so it was even more nerve-wracking to think he would have to stand up in front of almost one hundred people and do the same.  
  
There’s a sudden knock on the door and Callum puts down his phone and pushes himself off the bed.  
  
“Hi,” Ben smiles as soon as Callum opens the door.  
  
“Um….hello?”  
  
“Can I come in?”  
  
Callum hesitates. What could he possibly want so late at night? Callum would refuse but there’s something about the way Ben is looking at him that makes him think that he’s not here for anything untoward.  
  
Slowly stepping aside and pulling the door open further, he allows Ben to step into the room and closes the door. When he turns, it’s to see Ben observing the walls with interest. Ben casts his eyes over the photographs that Callum has on his pinboard. There’s only a few, mostly of the Carter’s and a couple of friends from school.  
  
“That your Dad?” Ben asks, pointing to a photograph that was taken on Callum’s eighteenth birthday. Callum has a pint in his hand and Mick’s arm is slung around his shoulder, the two of them laughing as Linda had told them to say cheese. Mick had bought him his first legal pint. And his second. And his third. Callum doesn’t remember much after that. He always has been a lightweight when it comes to alcohol.  
  
Taking his eyes away from the photograph, he looks at Ben again. “What was it you wanted?”  
  
Ben seems to remember his reason for being here and says, “Oh, yeah, Lola told me earlier about this surprise birthday bash for Jay. She said to come to you for details.”  
  
“Me? It was her idea.” Why has Lola sent Ben in his direction?  
  
“Oh, well, it’s a good one. Need any help with it?”  
  
Callum shrugs. “You’re best off asking Lola. As I said, her idea. You need to keep it quiet though. You can’t tell Jay.”  
  
“I do know what a surprise party is, you know,” Ben laughs. “That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it in the hallway. Don’t want to risk Jay overhearing.”  
  
“Right.”  
  
“I love a good house party. I’ve been to some great ones on campus – "  
  
“We’re not going crazy on the invites,” Callum interrupts, knowing the kind of flat parties there have been on campus ever since the first week. Invited or not, the whole university still somehow manages to find out about them anyway.  
  
He just hopes the same won’t be said for Jay’s. He doesn’t want to risk anything in the flat getting broken. Everyone was asked to put a bond down before moving in and they’ll only get it back if they get to the end of the year without anything broken. Callum is relying on that money. When it comes to the Summer and he’s forced to go back home, there’s no guarantee that his job at the restaurant will still be there even though his boss had said he would keep it open for him, and there’s no guessing how far his student loan will stretch.  
  
“For once we actually agree on something,” Ben responds. “I don’t think Jay will like it if it gets rowdy and I can do without Lola and Whitney moaning about the mess the next day. We can keep it low-key.”  
  
“Right, good.” He doesn’t know what else to say. Maybe now would be a good time to try and mend bridges again, since Ben had cut him off earlier.  
  
“Okay, well I’m gonna go. Unless you don’t want me to of course?”  
  
“I……uh……” How does he start? Why can’t he find the right words?  
  
Ben chuckles and walks past him. He pulls the door open and then pauses to look back.  
  
“Night, Callum,” he says softly, winking at him as he does.  
  
He’s gone before Callum has chance to respond. That was different. No teasing, no flirtation – their first normal conversation. Maybe he doesn’t need to suggest they build bridges after all. Maybe they already are.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It doesn’t take long for the peace that has somehow fallen between him and Ben to break again. It’s two days later when it happens.  
  
Callum enters the kitchen to see Ben sitting at the table, phone in hand, whilst Jay is lounging on the sofa. Ben’s talking about some hook up app he’s on and telling Jay about how someone called Matt was apparently a “decent lay.”  
  
Callum ignores the conversation at first, busying himself by chopping potatoes in preparation for the omelette he’s planning on making. He doesn’t much like the way Ben talks about sex all the time but he’s trying not to be so vocal in his opinions anymore. What Ben does in his time is none of his business.  
  
He tunes back into the chatter a couple of minutes later to hear Ben seemingly rating some of the men on his app. Ben is leaning back, forcing the chair onto two legs as he angles his phone towards Jay so he can see the screen from where he’s sitting.  
  
“You know I’m straight don’t you?” Jay laughs, shaking his head.  
  
“Yeah, but even you must be able to see the difference between this one and this one.”  
  
Ben moves his finger on the screen. Callum can’t see what’s on it from here but he’s not remotely interested. He doesn’t know how anyone could possibly feel comfortable putting themselves on an app. He’s self-conscious even at the best of times without encouraging people to make judgements of him based on his looks alone.  
  
“See? This one’s, like, a four – and that’s me being generous by the way – and this bloke’s clearly a ten.”  
  
“If they’ve not got boobs then I’m not interested mate,” Jay responds, stretching out his arm to push the phone away.  
  
Ben starts to type something and Callum goes back to focussing on the potatoes he’s slicing hoping that’s the conversation over with.  
  
“Okay, what about her?” Ben pipes up again. “Would you shag her?”  
  
Callum cringes at the word and bites his tongue. It’s none of his business.  
  
“Ben, I really don’t care right now,” Jay says and from the corner of his eye, Callum can see him push the phone away again.  
  
Ben chuckles. “That’s ‘cause you’ve got a thing for Lola haven’t you?”  
  
“No, course not.”  
  
“Yeah, you have. We all know it. You’d shag her without a doubt.”  
  
Callum throws down the knife which clatters loudly as it hits the chopping board and spins around. “Do you have to be so vulgar?”  
  
Ben turns his way with a surprised expression which he covers up quickly.  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry, can your dainty little ears not handle the word ‘shag’?”  
  
“You shouldn’t speak about Lola like that,” he says, anger starting to fizz inside him. It’s one thing to hear Ben talk about men in such a derogatory way, but to bring Lola into it is a step across the line in Callum’s opinion. He’s always felt very fiercely protective of females which he can only assume is an attribute he’s gained from growing up around the Carter’s.  
  
For as long as Callum has known them, the Carter’s have been running pubs. He’s heard the things that Linda has been called, seen the way drunk men have leered at her and seen the way Mick, Johnny and Lee have always defended her, protected her, kept her safe. Those men are similar to his own Dad who treats women just as terribly. He’s grown up around it. He’s seen both sides. He chooses to be like Mick and Lee and Johnny who have respect for women and show it in everything they do.  
  
What Ben said hadn’t been bad per se, but it hadn’t been respectful to speak about Lola in such a manner either and Callum feels it was his duty to jump in given that Lola isn’t around herself.  
  
“I’m only having a laugh!” Ben says, rolling his eyes like he thinks Callum is being ridiculous.  
  
“It wasn’t funny.”  
  
Ben mutters something and glances across as Jay who is sitting silent now, appearing indifferent.  
  
“Why’d you have to make such leery comments all the time, Ben? All those blokes on that app?” Callum asks, unwilling to drop the matter now.  
  
Ben turns back to him. “Careful, someone’s starting to sound jealous! Then again, with the way you were eyeing me up the other night, maybe that’s what all this is about.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re jealous of all those blokes ‘cause you want me for yourself and it’s driving you nuts because you don’t want to want me but you do. So you have to carry on causing dramas with me just to keep up with the whole ‘I don’t like you’ routine you’ve got going on.”  
  
Callum scoffs at that but it rattles him how much Ben can see right through him. He hasn’t been causing arguments just to keep up the pretence of disliking Ben - Ben is wrong about that. But there is a part of him that wants Ben for reasons that are still unknown to him and he really doesn’t want to feel that way about him.  
  
“Maybe we should just not talk about this, yeah?” Jay says from his place on the sofa.  
  
“No, it fine. It’s obvious that Callum can’t stand me,” Ben replies before diverting his attention back to Callum and scraping his chair back to stand. “But this is who I am, alright? And I’m not going to change for you or for anyone else.”  
  
“Ben – "  
  
“No Jay, I’m tired of this! I’ve tried with him and it’s got us nowhere. I can’t be bothered anymore!”  
  
Ben leaves the room at that, effectively putting an end to their tiff before it really has chance to blow up.  
  
Callum feels shaky now. Whether it’s from his anger or a response to Ben’s, he doesn’t know. He glances across at Jay who is looking back at him expectantly.  
  
“What?” he asks, not really wanting to know what Jay thinks. He doesn’t want the two of them to fall out but he knows Jay is closer to Ben than he is to Callum. Perhaps that’s where his loyalty lies.  
  
“You two need to sort this out,” Jay tells him. “I know you don’t like him and he’s hard to live with sometimes but you two bickering all the time is starting to cause an atmosphere and it’s gonna affect us all, mate.”  
  
Callum sighs. Jay’s right but it’s not like he hasn’t tried to be civil with Ben. It’s just that Ben seems to know exactly what to do and say to cause a switch to flip and Callum to explode as a result.  
  
“I have tried, Jay. We keep hitting a brick wall. I don’t know what more I can do.”  
  
Jay stands from the sofa and heads towards the door, patting at Callum’s shoulder on the way.  
  
“Try harder.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Try harder. That had been Jay’s advice. To try harder. Like that’s not what he’s been doing for the past four weeks. Jay should try having Ben in his face all the time, or making eyes at him from across a room, or trying to lure him into bed. He’d see how hard it is to keep your cool then.  
  
Callum doesn’t want to be the one bringing down the flat. He doesn’t want them to be fed up of him one month in and desperate to get rid of him. He thrives on being liked, hates it when he’s not, and even though he’s still getting to know them, his flatmates are becoming more of a family to him than his Dad or Stuart have ever been.  
  
But what is he supposed to do? How many times can he try to make amends with Ben? He thinks back to the day he had made an effort to apologise to Ben for bringing the Mitchell family into an argument. That had lasted all of two minutes before they were arguing again. And the other day when they’d had a relatively normal conversation about Jay’s birthday, things were fine, but that had lasted less than forty-eight hours. They haven’t exactly got a good track record for keeping the peace.  
  
Callum tries to ignore the voice in his head that reminds him that on each and every occasion they have argued, he has been the one to start it. It can’t be his fault entirely can it?  
  
No, Ben has played his part too. He could have left Callum alone but he hasn’t. He could have stopped making suggestive remarks whenever they were alone together, but he hadn’t done that either. He could have been honest about wanting to get to know Callum instead of concocting a plan to get him into his room. He could have refrained from sending Callum a written note that still lies at the bottom of the wastepaper bin which was made with the purpose of getting inside Callum’s head.  
  
Callum has been the one to initiate all of their arguments, but Ben has slowly been placing the stones that have paved the way there. They need to find middle ground if they’re ever going to survive this year.  
  
He goes to Ben’s room that night determined to try once more with him. If it doesn’t work then he has no idea what else he’s supposed to do.  
  
Knocking on Ben’s door, he hears Ben calling for him to come in. He doesn’t really want to go into Ben’s room after the last time, but he can’t exactly shout for Ben to come out into the hallway instead.  
  
Opening the door, he sees Ben sitting back across the bed, head propped up against a pillow and looking at a magazine. Ben stares at him when he goes in, surprised to see Callum there, and then he’s sitting up, throwing down the magazine and looking at Callum curiously.  
  
Callum closes the door but hovers by it, keen to get this over with as quickly as possible. Ben is sitting silently. He’s waiting.  
  
“Uh…….I, uh……” _Not a great start Highway_. “What happened earlier, uh, in the kitchen…….Look, believe it or not I don’t want to keep having the same argument with you. It’s obvious we’re very different people, a-and that’s okay, but surely we can get along, you know, seeing as we’re living together?”  
  
He feels sick. This is up there with some of the most nerve-wracking times of his life. He expects Ben to laugh at him or make some stupid comment about how Callum is choosing to be in his bedroom, but he doesn’t.

Instead, Ben looks very serious when he says, “I don’t want to argue with you either, Callum. There’s enough blazing rows at home; I’ve come to uni to get a break from all of that.”  
  
Callum can relate, he too having come to university to get away from home. Not that their situations can be compared. His own family may be horrendous but they’re hardly London’s most sought after criminals.  
  
“So what are we gonna do?” Callum asks, ignoring his thoughts in a bid to push the conversation forwards. “We argue and then you go back to trying to wind me up and don’t pretend you don’t. So how do we stop it?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “Have hate sex?”  
  
Callum’s eyes widen and he’s just about to point out that this is a perfect example of winding him up when Ben laughs.  
  
“I’m joking, Callum! God you should see your face! This is who I am. I’m an outrageous flirt and sometimes I can be a bit of a dick as well.” He pauses before adding, “And yeah, I’ve probably targeted you a bit but it’s only because you’re fit and sexy as fuck when you’re mad.”  
  
Callum feels heat flood his cheeks at the comment. The way Ben had said it so casually, like it’s just fact, has him feeling flutters in his stomach. He’s not sure whether Ben’s admission is an honest one or whether he’s still trying to get into his head, but something tells him it’s the former.  
  
“Um, right, well, uh……I think…..I think we should just agree to try not to argue so much.” His voice is shaking, he knows it is. Ben just nods so he goes on. “M-maybe you could try tone down all the remarks you make.”  
  
“I don’t really know how if I’m honest. It’s second nature to me.” He’s quiet and Callum has never seen this side to him before. It’s different. “But I’ll try. For you I’ll try.”  
  
Callum nods in response, almost touched by Ben’s sincerity. He doesn’t recognise this Ben but he hopes with everything he’s got that this isn’t going to end up being another one of Ben’s games.  
  
“What about you?” Ben asks.  
  
“Me what?”  
  
“I can’t be the one to make all the effort. I want us to get along but that’s only going to happen if we both try. And you making judgements and muttering under your breath about me every five minutes isn’t exactly helping.”  
  
And okay, Ben has a point. They both need to try harder. Callum nods his head in agreement and Ben mirrors the action, smiling a little. Taking the opportunity whilst it’s silent, Callum turns and opens the door, looking back at Ben. Ben doesn’t try to stop him leaving, confirming that the conversation is over.  
  
As Callum goes back to his room he can only hope that this time will be different. He wants to enjoy his first year of university, he wants his flatmates to enjoy their year too, and that can only happen if he and Ben learn to live amicably alongside each other. He hopes that the Ben he saw tonight will be the one he sees most often too, that he really will tone down on the comments he makes and stop going out of his way to make Callum uncomfortable.  
  
Only time will tell. For now though, there’s peace again.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who read, left kudos or commented on the last chapter :) Who's ready for a bit of a curveball? 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Six  
  
  
  
  
**

On the day of Jay’s surprise party, Callum finds Lola in the kitchen standing on a chair and putting up birthday banners and balloons. He has to applaud her for the effort she’s gone to and Lola questions whether it’s too much. Callum laughs and shakes his head, assuring her that Jay will love it.

Jay had gone to meet friends after his lecture that afternoon. He’ll be out until this evening and Lola is making sure to text him throughout the day to get some idea of when he’s on his way back.

“Do you think we need food?” Callum asks, wondering if they can afford to stretch to feeding however many people come to the party.

“No, let’s not go there. It’ll only end up all over the floor. I’ve got skittle vodka in the fridge though!”

He watches as she steps down from the chair.

“When did you make that?”

“Last night,” Lola smiles, looking up at the banner she has just put up before moving the chair across the room. “He saw me do it but I just told him the truth – that I was making it for his birthday.”

“And he didn’t suspect?”

Lola shakes her head. “Not a thing.”

He goes to look in the fridge at her creations as she tells him something about Ruby kindly providing her state of the art speakers. He still doesn’t know a great deal about Ruby apart from that she’s popular amongst the people on her course and that her bedroom is packed with an array of belongings from home – she has her own television in there! – but he can only assume that she comes from a wealthy family. He wonders what that’s like. If they were closer, maybe he’d get the chance to ask her one day. As it is, he’s only ever seen her a handful of times and he finds it surprising that Lola managed to collar her.  
  
Closing the fridge, he turns to see Lola putting up another banner and can’t help himself.  
  
“I see you’re going to a lot of effort for him,” he teases.  
  
Lola’s eyes crinkle in the corners and she wafts a hand his way. “Oh, shut up you!”  
  
He laughs and picks up a banner that is lying across the table and gets ready to help her. It’s going to be a fun night.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I can see him! I can see him! He’s on his way!” Lola squeals as she looks through the kitchen window.  
  
She had got a text from Jay ten minutes ago saying that he was on his way back and she has been standing at the window ever since. Callum looks out and sure enough, Jay is in the distance approaching their accommodation block. He tugs Lola away from the window, not wanting Jay to suddenly look up and see them standing there.  
  
The flat has drawn in a small crowd of students, though thankfully, Callum thinks it will be manageable if things start to get out of hand. Many had introduced themselves as being mates of Jay’s from his course but Callum hadn’t needed them to tell him. From the look of distain Ruby had sent to some of them upon their arrival, he could see that she already knows them.  
  
It’s surprising Ruby is here actually. Callum wonders if she’s wanting to keep an eye on her speakers to make sure they’re kept safe or whether it’s because she enjoys flat parties just as much as Ben does. She’s made herself comfy on the sofas and is surrounded by a group of friends, bottle of wine in hand which she lifts to pour into one of her friend’s glasses.  
  
This is the most Callum has seen of her since Fresher’s Week and he doesn’t know quite what to make of her.  
  
“This is so exciting,” Whitney says from beside him, gaining his attention again.  
  
“I’m not sure being an hour late for your own party is really considered fashionably late,” Ben comments as he passes them.  
  
“Well it’s not like he knew this was happening so that’s a good enough excuse.”  
  
Ben shrugs. “Just saying. By the way, you look great Whit,” he smiles before dragging his eyes across to Callum. “You do too.”  
  
Callum feels himself blush. He’s put on a dark green plaid shirt for tonight but it’s not one of his best, nor a new one that Linda had bought him. He’s had this one a while and it’s fraying at the edges and doesn’t quite fit like it used to. But still, he takes the compliment gratefully.  
  
Ben walks away from them and Whitney turns to him. “Have I ever told you that he gives me the creeps?” she whispers.  
  
“Ignore him. Let’s just focus on Jay shall we and have a good night.”  
  
He and Ben have been making an effort with each other for the last few days. Ben is still being his usual flirty self, and he still tries to fit a euphemism into the conversation whenever he can, but Callum is noticing those things less and less. He can accept that it’s the type of person Ben is if he tones it down like he has been doing. Callum has been feeling less targeted by him too, less under his microscope, and as a result he’s feeling calmer and not as on edge around Ben. It’s only been a few days but it seems to be working for them.  
  
Of course, he still understands Whitney’s trepidation though. He’s trying not to think about Ben’s family otherwise he’ll start feeling it again too, but for now he’s just glad that Ben isn’t going out of his way to play mind games with him anymore.  
  
He hears the faint sound of a door opening in the hallway and looks towards the entrance of the kitchen just as Jay appears.  
  
“Surprise!” some of them shout as they see him, gaining the attention of the rest of the room who follow on with their own shouts of surprise.  
  
Jay’s eyes are wide and he’s laughing as he looks around at everyone.  
  
“What……what’s all this?”  
  
“Happy Birthday!” Lola grins, walking over to him and giving him a hug.  
  
“It was all Lola’s idea,” Whitney adds, receiving an eye roll from Lola in return as she pulls out of the hug.  
  
Jay smiles widely, looking around at the room again. “Thanks guys! This is amazing! I don’t really know what to say!”  
  
“Where’s the music?” someone hollers from across the room resulting in a chorus of laughter before music starts to fill the room.  
  
Ben leans in to give Jay a hug and slaps at his back in greeting. “I would have bought you a present but what could be better than my presence, eh?”  
  
Jay laughs. “Fucking nob,” he responds but it’s filled with warmth.  
  
“Come on, I’ll get you a drink.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum watches from his place in the corner as Lola and Jay dance together across the room. The table and sofas have been pushed to the side to create a dancefloor and he has chosen to retreat to avoid being dragged into dancing with one of the others. He’s not a great dancer, always has had two left feet, but he doesn’t mind when he’s out in a club and the lights are low and no one is paying attention. He doesn’t feel so comfortable here under the bright lights of the kitchen and it’s not as easy to get lost in a group of around twenty people.  
  
Instead, he’s happy to stand by and watch everyone else as they dance and laugh together and he’s particularly happy to see Lola and Jay doing just that. To anyone else it would just look like two friends dancing. But to Callum and the rest of the flat, it’s very clearly something more. It always is with those two.  
  
“They’re going to get it on, aren’t they?”  
  
Callum looks to see Ben standing beside him, his gaze firmly on Jay and Lola.  
  
“They like each other so why not?” Callum says, turning his own gaze back to the pair. It would be nice to see them get together soon. It’s obvious they like each other and would make a good couple.  
  
Ben stays beside him for a while before he says, “Skip the eye sex, move on to the actual sex is what I say.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Jay and Lola,” Ben clarifies. “There’s so much sexual tension between them. They should just get down to business if you ask me.”  
  
“Not everything’s about sex, you know.”  
  
“But just think about how good the world would be if it was, eh?” He takes a drink from the can in his hand and then pushes away from the side of the wall. “By the way, I forgot to tell you earlier, you’re adorable when you blush.”  
  
There’s a smile on Ben’s face and a twinkle in his eye and it’s almost bordering on being too much for Callum who has started to get used to not having this kind of attention from Ben over the last few days. But then Ben is winking at him and walking away and Callum let’s out a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding.  
  
Ben still has a habit of being able to make him feel things that he shouldn’t but as long as they keep up this routine they have fallen into, he thinks he can just about ignore those things if he tries hard enough.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Whitney tries to get him dancing and no matter how many times he declines, she continues to pull on his arm, trying to get him to move into the middle of the floor. She’s a long way past tipsy and is a little unsteady on her feet and he suggests she sits down with a glass of water instead but she’s having none of it.  
  
“You have to dance with me, Callum! Stop being boring!”  
  
“I really think we should get you that water.”  
  
She groans, letting go of his arm. “I don’t need you to be my knight in shining armour, you know. I can look after myself.”  
  
“I know you can. I know that,” he insists, not wanting to offend her by suggesting otherwise.  
  
He feels buzzing in the back pocket of his jeans and pulls his phone out to see Mick’s name displayed on the screen.  
  
“Alright, Mick?” he says loudly, answering the call.  
  
He can hear the sound of Mick’s voice but can’t make out what he’s saying.  
  
“What was that?” It’s no use though, he can’t hear over the noise of the music. “Hang on, Mick. Just a minute.”  
  
He tells Whitney that he needs to take this call and is relieved to have a good enough excuse not to dance. She nods and he leaves the kitchen, reaching into his pocket for the key to his bedroom. It’s rare that he locks his bedroom door but on a night like this when there’s strangers in the flat with who knows what kind of intentions, he feels better knowing no one else can access his room.  
  
Once inside, he lifts the phone to his ear.  
  
“Sorry about that. I can hear you now. Everything okay?”  
  
Mick chuckles. “I was just giving you a bell to see how student life is treating you. Judging by that racket, you’re having a right laugh.”  
  
Callum smiles at the sound of Mick’s voice. He really should have got in touch sooner. He sits down on the bed readying himself to tell Mick all about his first few weeks here. He doesn’t mind missing the party for this.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It’s almost forty minutes later when Callum comes out of his room. Once he’d got talking to Mick he found he couldn’t stop. He misses Mick and the rest of the Carter’s but hearing his voice hadn’t been as bad as he’d thought it would be.  
  
Leaving his phone in his room to charge, he closes the door, locking it again and slipping the key into his pocket. He heads back towards the sound of the music just as the door to the kitchen opens and Ben appears. He’s carrying a large pile of DVD’s and PlayStation games in his arms, the pile leaning precariously against his chest as he tries to keep them all from falling.  
  
“Where’ve you been?” he asks when he spots Callum.  
  
“Got a phone call. Where are you going with those?”  
  
“My room.” Ben starts walking towards his bedroom and Callum finds himself following when Ben asks him to give him a hand. “Just open the door for me, will you?”  
  
Callum pushes down on the handle not surprised to find that Ben is the type of person to happily leave his door unlocked in the middle of a party. He opens the door, keeping his hand pressed against it so that Ben can pass him and go in. The light from the hallway shines through so that Ben can see his way over to the desk where he puts the pile down. As he does, they tip, scattering across the desk and he sighs.  
  
“Why’ve you brought them all in here?” Callum asks, curiosity getting the better of him.  
  
“It’s starting to get a bit crazy in there. They almost got stood on. There’s a couple of yours here I think. You can take them if you want but I don’t mind keeping them here until after the party’s over. Wanna have a look?”  
  
Callum doesn’t need to have a look. He had only brought two DVD’s with him from home, both of which had been in the kitchen earlier amongst everyone else’s. He already knows they’ll be on that desk somewhere. But he steps forward anyway, letting go of the door which swings closed behind him. The light from the hallway disappears and plunges them both into near darkness. There’s just about enough light coming in through the bedroom window for him to make out the furniture in the room and Ben, who is reaching out towards the wall.  
  
“Where’s the light switch?” he mumbles to himself as his hands search for the desk lamp switch.  
  
“I didn’t think about the DVD’s.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh. “Weren’t you helping Lola set up earlier? Think we can let you off for forgetting to move a few DVD’s.” He sighs, giving up on finding the switch. “It’s been a good night, hasn’t it?”  
  
Callum nods, unsure if Ben can see in the darkness. He’s not sure what he’s still doing here to be honest. He should really be getting back to the party instead of standing in Ben’s room, leaning against his desk. Despite that, he doesn’t move.  
  
“Night’s not over yet,” Ben says. “It can get better if you want it to?”  
  
Ben takes a step closer and Callum looks at him, feeling heat that he’s started to become familiar with slowly start to bubble inside him. He needs to go back to the party but he can’t bring himself to look away from Ben.  
  
“Why do I get the feeling you’re not talking about the party?” he asks, the words croaking as he grows nervous.  
  
Ben reaches up, placing a hand on his cheek and Callum can feel the warmth of his palm against his skin. He can’t make out Ben’s eyes properly in the darkness, instead can just see the way his eyelashes move, flickering up and down, up and down. Callum’s heart is thundering in his chest. Ben’s face gets closer and closer to his but he can’t work out which of them is moving. He feels Ben’s breath on his chin and he needs to step away but it’s like he’s lost all ability to think properly, completely enraptured by the man in front of him all of a sudden.  
  
“You can stop pretending any time, you know,” Ben whispers softly.  
  
And then there’s lips against his and time seems to speed up as he pushes he own against Ben’s. Ben brings his other hand to Callum’s neck, drawing him in even more and feeling encouraged by it, Callum moves them until Ben has his back to the edge of the desk, trapping him and keeping him there as he kisses Ben with a fervour he’s never felt with anyone before.  
  
Ben is intoxicating. There’s something about him that makes Callum want more and more from him, so he pushed his hips against him causing Ben to moan into the kiss and grip onto him tighter. He feels Ben’s hips push back against him and inhales sharply at the friction it brings to his cock, pressed hard against the seam of his jeans.  
  
Suddenly he’s moving backwards towards the bed, pulling Ben with him and when he misjudges the distance, legs meeting the edge of the bed sooner than expected, he loses his balance, tumbling down onto the mattress and bringing Ben down with him. It’s a wonder he manages to avoid hitting his head on the wall as he goes down.  
  
With their legs hanging awkwardly off the side of the bed, Ben breaks their kiss, pulling on Callum’s legs to get him to move. He shuffles up the bed until he's lying on it properly, Ben hovering over him when they’re both better positioned.  
  
Callum thinks he would laugh at this if he wasn’t so bloody desperate for Ben’s mouth to be back on his. He silently curses the tiny bed of the university accommodation and whoever it was that decided placing it alongside a wall was a good idea.  
  
They make it work though, Ben resting his knees on either side of Callum’s body and pressing down into him as they resume kissing again. He starts unbuttoning Callum’s shirt, working it open a button at a time. Callum is more bothered about keeping Ben’s lips on his and sits up a little to follow Ben who is moving now to get the shirt off. He keeps his hands at the side of Ben’s head, unwilling to let him move too far away, only letting go to get his arms out of his sleeves.  
  
Then he’s dragging Ben back down, lips still moving together, soft moans escaping from Ben as he does.  
  
Suddenly he feels Ben’s palm pressing against the tightness of his jeans and he tears his mouth away and lets out a gasp as a flash of heat shoots through him.  
  
“So hard for me already,” Ben says gruffly, moving his mouth down to Callum’s neck, along his collarbone, down over his chest.  
  
Callum breathes heavily, feels hot breaths against his skin, the sensations of it almost too much. Ben’s mouth is everywhere, kissing and licking every area of skin exposed to him and Callum can’t focus, can’t breathe, is just holding on for more, more, more.  
  
Ben manages to work his jeans off and then his briefs, and then his mouth is back on him and Callum let’s out an obscenely loud moan, hips lifting to try and get more of himself inside Ben’s mouth.  
  
He feels devoured. Ben is devouring him.  
  
He reaches for Ben’s head, putting his hands in his hair there and the muffled sound that comes from Ben vibrates through his cock sending Callum’s vision hazy. He pulls gently at a few strands and it seems to encourage Ben so he keeps doing it. He’s getting closer when Ben pulls off and he lets out a high-pitched whine that he hadn’t even known was a sound he was capable of making.  
  
“Don’t stop! God, don’t stop!”  
  
Ben’s crowding around him then, leaning down and pressing his lips back against Callum’s briefly.  
  
“You gonna beg me?”  
  
He just wants Ben’s mouth back on him, doesn’t care where, just knows he’s being deprived of it now. “Please, please don’t stop.”  
  
“Never thought we’d get here,” Ben murmurs as he starts placing kisses at Callum’s neck again. “Never thought you were gonna let me.” He presses kisses along his jawline and up to his ear where he pauses. “God, you’ve no idea how fucking sexy you are.”  
  
Callum can’t pay attention to what Ben is saying though, desperate to speed things up again. Why have they slowed down? Why is Ben teasing him like this?  
  
“Please, Ben,” he whines. It’s an insatiable need now.  
  
“Not stopping, just wanna make it last.”  
  
Callum doesn’t care about it lasting. He’ll go again if it comes to it. Ben sits up a little and pulls off his t-shirt reminding Callum that he’s still fully clothed whilst Callum himself is lying here naked. How had he forgotten? He’s never been so much of a passenger during sex before but Ben has turned his brain to mush.  
  
When Ben is undressed, he’s pressing back against Callum and Callum can feel him all the way along the length of his body. He pulls him in to kiss him again, knows he should probably be doing something more than just lying here but this is the only thing he can make sense of to do. He grips onto the back of Ben’s hair, urging him on as they kiss.  
  
“What do you want?” Ben breathes, biting down on Callum’s lip a little as he draws back. And _god_ , he doesn’t know! He can’t get his brain to function!  
  
“Don’t care. Just want you to stay here.” He puts a hand low on Ben’s back and presses down as he lifts his own hips at the same time. He has no words to explain that all he wants is Ben’s weight on him, the slide of their bodies, skin on skin.  
  
Ben nods though in understanding and then gets a hand around them both. Callum cries out at the feeling of Ben’s cock against his own and bucks his hips in an attempt to get him to move, before bringing his own hand alongside Ben’s.  
  
Ben puts his head into the crook of Callum’s neck as they slide together, trying to build some kind of rhythm. Callum stares at the ceiling, trying to find something he can focus on to stop himself from coming too soon but with Ben’s small moans in his ear it’s almost impossible.  
  
“So good, Callum,” Ben whispers. “So good.”  
  
And fuck, Callum never thought hearing his name slip from Ben’s tongue like that would sound so beautiful.  
  
“Not gonna last long,” he admits, feeling embarrassed but wanting to give Ben warning.  
  
“Me neither.”  
  
Ben flicks a thumb over the head of his cock and it causes Callum to shudder. Seeing the reaction, Ben does it again, twisting his wrist at the same time and then Callum comes with a groan, holding on to Ben and squeezing his eyes closed as he continues to lift his hips.  
  
When he realises Ben is yet to come, he knocks his hand away and places his own firmly around Ben’s cock. It only takes a few swipes before Ben is releasing and then he’s collapsing on top of Callum, the weight of his body on him once more.  
  
They lay still for several minutes. Callum tries to catch his breath, heart pounding, and he can feel the sweat on his skin cooling now, despite having Ben still on top of him. He looks up at the ceiling above again, just a patch of darkness in an unlit room. In the background he can hear music coming from the kitchen, the sound of laughter and chatter filtering down the hallway.  
  
He becomes more aware of Ben’s weight on him, reality suddenly kicking in.  
  
What has he done? He and Ben have had sex. He's had sex with Ben Mitchell. He’s _still_ lying in the same bed as him.  
  
  
He pushes at Ben who rolls off him and as soon as he’s free Callum sits up, throwing his legs off the bed before standing.  
  
“What you doing?” Ben asks from where he’s laying.  
  
Callum feels around for his clothes in the dark and starts to throw them on. “This…..this was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened.”  
  
“Didn’t have you down for the ‘wham, bam, thank you m’am’ type.”  
  
He’s _not_. Never before has he got up and left someone in bed like this just moments after an orgasm, but then again, never before has he had sex with someone like Ben Mitchell.  
  
Bloody hell! He’s a Mitchell for fuck’s sake!  
  
Callum throws his shirt on, not bothering if he buttons it up wrong. All he can think about now is getting out of here and going back to his own bedroom.  
  
“This won’t be happening again,” he says sternly.  
  
“If you say so.”  
  
Callum looks at him, knows Ben probably can’t see his face clearly in the dark, but hopes he understands his tone when he says, “I’m being serious, Ben. I’m not letting this happen again.”  
  
“Okay,” Ben responds as if he’s just been given an update on the weather or something equally as trivial. He doesn’t believe him.  
  
Well, fine. He doesn’t have to believe it. Callum knows it won’t be happening again and that’s all that really matters.  
  
Picking up he shoes from the floor he walks out of the room, not turning back once. Surprisingly, Ben doesn’t try to say anything else either, instead just letting him go.  
  
It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light outside of the room but when they do, he sees that the hallway is empty. It’s just as well really; he wouldn’t want to have to explain why he’s carrying his shoes and no doubt looking disheveled as he leaves Ben's bedroom. He doesn’t think he would even have the brain capacity to think up a believable excuse right now.  
  
Reaching his own room, he unlocks the door, glad that the keys are still in the pocket of his jeans despite the item of clothing being dragged off of him and unceremoniously thrown onto the floor. As soon as he is in the room, he closes the door behind him and locks it again in the hopes he’ll be able to ignore anyone that might come looking for him. Turning on the light he moves over to the bed and sits down, putting his head in his hands and sighing.  
  
How had he gone from not being able to stand the sight of Ben just a few days ago to wanting him so badly he had ached with it? Why hadn’t he left the room as soon as he had opened the door for Ben? What had he been thinking? Well, at least he has the answer to that last question. He _hadn’t_ been thinking and that was the problem.  
  
And fuck, Ben has been flirting with him and trying to get him into bed for weeks and now he’s succeeded which means Callum’s just like all the others that Ben has slept with. This is what Ben had wanted all along. The only good thing that could possibly come from this is that now that it’s happened Ben might get bored and find some other poor guy to taunt.  
  
He really needs to have a shower but all he wants to do is sleep and forget about all of this. Standing from the bed he strips off his clothes and goes to turn the light off. Once he’s back in bed, he grabs the duvet and buries himself underneath it, willing for sleep and a new day to come.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the response to the last chapter. I really appreciate all the feedback and enjoy reading everyone's thoughts. 
> 
> Here we are with the morning after the night before. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Seven  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum wakes to the sight of the sunlight streaming in through a crack in the curtains. He blinks blearily and rubs at his eyes, stretching as much as the tiny space of the bed will allow. He reaches for his watch and sees that it’s mid-morning. He’s often been an early riser but for the first time since starting university, he’s glad that he doesn’t have a lecture until this afternoon.

He remembers the party then, Jay’s birthday, and Whitney who had probably drank more than she should have. And then he remembers Ben and freezes, the emotions quickly rushing back to him.

He wants to hide away, wants to go back to sleep and wake up in a universe where this hasn’t happened or one where he never meets Ben at all.

Pulling the duvet back over his head, he closes his eyes and hopes for sleep to come once more. But his mind is spinning now and all he can think about is Ben next to him, on top of him, all around him. He can still remember the taste of Ben’s lips, can feel where his mouth and fingers had pressed against him, can still see it all so vividly in his head like a film playing on a loop.  
  
His stomach churns with the memories but what’s worse is that he can feel himself getting hard at the thought of last night. How can his body betray him like this? He shouldn’t be aroused by thoughts of Ben – he should be repulsed by them.  
  
Throwing the duvet away from him, he gets out of bed and goes into the en-suite. He switches on the light and the extractor fan whirs loudly in response. Next he turns on the shower and goes to find a fresh set of clothes whilst he waits for the water to warm up.  
  
Hopefully with a shower and some clothes and a comb through his hair he’ll feel a lot more like himself.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The shower doesn’t help. Nor do the clean clothes.  
  
Callum taps at the desk with his fingers as he stares at the bedroom door and deliberates over what to do next. He wonders if Ben is awake yet although he knows he can’t possibly avoid him forever. He’s not ready to see him yet though. It’s bad enough that he’s having to battle with the bizarre feelings he seems to have whenever Ben is around and he still hasn’t figured out what it could all mean. The last thing he needs is to have to deal with Ben’s quick wit, taunting and scrutiny on top of everything else.  
  
Standing motionless by the door, he tries to listen out for any sign of movement in the flat. When he’s satisfied by the silence, he unlocks the bedroom door and opens it, peering into the hallway before stepping out and keeping a hand on the door to stop it from swinging closed too loudly.  
  
It should be funny really, tiptoeing around his own flat, only it’s not funny at all.  
  
Once he makes it to the kitchen, he’s stopped in his tracks by the sight of three people sprawled out on the sofas. He doesn’t recognise any of them.  
  
“That was my reaction.”  
  
Callum turns his head to see Lola at the far side of the kitchen where she’s paused in buttering a piece of toast and is now looking his way.  
  
He stands in the doorway and looks at the three sleeping strangers.  
  
“Who are they?” he asks stupidly.  
  
“No idea. But they must have been here last night. I just left them sleeping.”  
  
Callum moves away from the door, moving cautiously past the sofas as he makes his way towards Lola.  
  
“Don’t worry, there’s no need to be quiet,” Lola says, noticing his attempts. “They’re so out of it they didn’t hear me trying to stop the kitchen from setting on fire. I swear to god, if one of you boys leaves burnt toast in the bottom of the toaster again…..”  
  
She waves the butter knife in his direction and he feels like he’s being reprimanded even though he always cleans the toaster out after himself. Lola is a force of nature and very much the mother hen of the flat. She’s warm and witty and caring, but she can at times be fierce and has an air of authority about her. In many ways, Lola reminds him of Linda, albeit a teenage version of Linda. He figures they need an influence like her in the flat.  
  
The way Lola is smiling at him now though, even as she continues to point the knife at him, suggests she knows he isn’t the one to leave the toaster in such a state. So he gives her his best smile in return, the one that has been proven to win Linda over many a time in the past and says, “Coffee?”  
  
Lola rolls her eyes at him, her smile growing. “Yes please.”  
  
Callum goes to fill the kettle as Lola says, “I suppose this place isn’t as messy as I expected it to be. After the party I mean. I came in here and it was mainly just empty bottles and paper cups that needed throwing out.”  
  
“You should’ve left it. I’d have given you a hand,” he says, putting the kettle down and flicking the switch.  
  
“No need. It didn’t take long. I guess that means we did the whole ‘uni party’ thing wrong.”  
  
Callum shakes his head as he starts to prepare the mugs. “It was a good night. I’m sure Jay loved it too.”  
  
Lola is quiet and he looks her way to see a shy smile on her face, a blush creeping along her cheeks.  
  
“What? Am I missing something?”  
  
“Jay and I…….” she trails off, smile getting bigger. “Last night we – "  
  
“What? You slept with him?”  
  
Lola frowns and looks confused. “No, of course not! We just kissed! And we might have made out a little bit as well. I wouldn’t have slept with him straight away, Callum!”  
  
Callum feels his ears glowing from the embarrassment that falls over him. Nothing Lola had said had suggested they had hooked up but he’d automatically jumped to that conclusion, thoughts of his own night with Ben still playing on his mind.  
  
“Sorry. I just assumed. I say stupid things sometimes.”  
  
Lola smiles. “Well no, there was nothing like that. We just kissed and we talked for a really long time and we agreed that we both like each other so we’re gonna take things slow and see what happens.”  
  
“That’s great; I’m really happy for you both.” He is happy for them but he knows he doesn’t sound it. He only wishes he’d had some of her rational thought last night.  
  
“I’m happy too,” she grins, picking up her mug that has now been filled with coffee and carrying it over to the table with her. “Now, what d’you reckon we do about our new guests?”  
  
Callum looks back towards the strangers who are still fast asleep on the sofas. He shrugs non-committedly, and if Lola notices that he’s not quite himself then she doesn’t say anything about it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seeing Ben again is an uncomfortable experience to say the least. He hadn’t turned up to their lecture that afternoon much to Callum’s relief and so when evening arrives and he still hasn’t seen Ben all day, Callum knows that he's likely on borrowed time. And it turns out that he's right because just minutes after Callum has started to wash up from dinner, Ben walks into the room, looking around questioningly for a moment before making his way towards the fridge.  
  
“Evening all,” he says brightly, casting a glance Callum’s way but mostly addressing Lola and Whitney who are sitting at the table.  
  
Ben strides past him and Callum stands with his hands in the soapy water, his heart in his mouth and his body shaking. Ben pulls apple juice out of the fridge and takes the lid off before drinking straight from the carton. Callum would usually have a few words to say about that but he’s readying himself for Ben to direct a teasing comment his way or, even worse, outright tell everyone what happened between them last night.  
  
“Any of you seen Jay?”  
  
Callum is surprised by that but it’s not enough to calm his fears. He watches as Ben puts the carton back and turns to Lola and Whitney.  
  
“He’s in the SU,” Lola tells him when no one else gives an answer. “They’re looking for students to work behind the bar. He’s gone to put his name down.”  
  
“Alright, cheers,” Ben replies. “I heard about what went down last night with you two. It’s about time you both got your acts together. Congrats!” His smile is almost affectionate towards Lola and he pats her on the shoulder before he leaves the room.  
  
Callum watches him go and is left feeling slightly perplexed by his behaviour. He hadn’t once made a sarcastic comment or made an attempt to flirt, nor had he acted in any way that had indicated what had happened between them last night. In fact, if anything, he had acted as though he had forgotten all about it.  
  
Perhaps he has, Callum reasons to himself. He has sex with so many guys that he probably doesn’t give them much thought the following day. And it’s as Callum had thought last night; now he’s just another one of many. He should feel relieved that it’s over, he should be glad that Ben hadn’t paid him even the slightest amount of attention, but instead he just feels cold and a little bit empty for reasons he can’t figure out.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The following day is strange. When Ben walks into the lecture on Friday morning and takes a seat next to Lola, he doesn’t say a word to Callum, instead focusing all of his attention on the handouts they have been given and listening as Anne talks at length about the development of the brain. It’s all a bit too scientific for Callum though and he’s much more interested in the other aspects of psychology which are delivered in his other modules. It’s almost laughable that he’s studying for a degree in psychology when he can’t even work out what’s going on in his own mind.  
  
That evening when they end up sitting in the kitchen, Ben playing on his games console with Jay whilst Callum sits at the table with Whitney and Lola, Ben barely interacts with him then either, and when he does it’s not directed at him specifically but rather towards the group as a whole.  
  
No one seems to notice but then again, why would they? It’s not as if he and Ben had spoken very much prior to the party unless all their arguments could be counted. Callum can’t help but feel awkward and a bit like Ben has dropped him which doesn’t even make sense.  
  
He feels invisible to the one person he’s never been invisible to and it shouldn’t bother him because this is what he’s wanted for weeks, but it does. He just doesn’t know what to do about it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Oh come on, you have to come! We’ll have a laugh!”  
  
“I’m not stopping you from going, Whit; I’m just saying that I’m not up for it tonight that’s all.”  
  
Whitney groans and sits down on the chair at his desk. She squints her eyes and looks at him carefully before asking, “Are you ill?”  
  
“No – "  
  
“Do you have an essay you need to do?”  
  
“Well no, but – "  
  
“Then there’s no excuse,” she says, crossing her arms across her chest and smiling across at him.  
  
It’s Wednesday. It’s been a week since the night of Jay’s party and since then things between him and Ben are as awkward and strange as ever. Ben has still barely said a word to him and Callum still feels like he’s been rejected in some way to the point where now, every time he and Ben are in a room together, he has to leave to avoid the feeling from flaring up. He doesn’t like to think about what it means even though it’s becoming abundantly clear to him as the days go by that he’s attracted to Ben.  
  
He hates it, wishes the feeling would just go away, but Ben’s silence seems to be making it worse. The less attention he gets from Ben, the more he wants it.  
  
Over the weekend someone had suggested they all go out as a flat together. He’s not sure who came up with the idea but Jay and Lola had been the ones to talk him into going along. He had said yes at the time, not thinking anything of it as it had been days away. He’d hoped that by the time Wednesday rolled around he would have shaken the strange feelings he had for Ben.  
  
But he hasn't and now they’re here on a Wednesday evening, the most popular night out of the week amongst students and Callum has spent the last thirty minutes trying to get out of it. He’d casually mentioned that he wasn’t going to Jay who must have told Lola because she’d come to try and change his mind and when he hadn’t budged, she must have told Whitney.  
  
Whitney is sitting across from him, looking at him and daring him to argue back. He doesn’t understand what’s so important about tonight or why they have to go out as a flat at all. He voices this to Whitney and adds that Ruby won’t be there so they’re already one flat member down as it is so what difference does it make whether he’s there or not.  
  
“Because you’re one us. You have to be there,” Whitney persists. “Ruby’s made it very clear she’s got her own friends and wants to do her own thing and to be honest, I forget she lives here half the time. You though, we’d be lost without you.”  
  
“You’re just being silly now,” he says, though it’s kind of her to say.  
  
She shakes her head. “It’s true! You’re always so upbeat and positive. And what about those nights you’ve gone out of your way to make dinner for us all even though you didn’t have to? You’re a great flatmate and I know we haven't known each other long but we’re friends, aren’t we?”  
  
“Yeah, course.”  
  
“So you’ll come out with us?”  
  
Oh. She’s lead him right into that one. He feels like he can no longer say no when she’s just spoken about him so highly. He doesn’t want to let her down either. He knows if he doesn’t go then it will be just her, Lola, Jay and Ben and with Lola and Jay becoming more and more joined at the hip as the days goes by, that will leave just Whitney and Ben and Callum can’t possibly allow her to be put in that position, knowing how uncomfortable she still feels around him.  
  
“I suppose I can’t say no to that, can I?” he says, smiling a little to not give away how much he really, _really_ doesn’t want to go out.  
  
Whitney lets out a squeal and claps her hands as she jumps off the chair. She skips over to the wardrobe and he lets her look through it when she tells him she’s going to put together an outfit for him to wear.  
  
He chuckles at her as she pulls different shirts out and holds them up to his face before eventually tossing them all aside and handing him a plain white t-shirt instead.  
  
“Wear this and we’ll compliment it with a jacket.”  
  
“What’s wrong with the shirts?” he asks, looking at the way they’ve been thrown to the top of the bed.  
  
“Trust me, I know what I’m doing,” she smiles as she pulls out a pair of light blue jeans and hands them to him. He takes them and heads towards the en-suite to put them on. He supposes there are worse things than being dressed by someone who is studying fashion.  
  
Once he’s dressed and gained her approval, he looks in the mirror to see that he actually looks pretty good. She’s done a good job.  
  
She smiles happily and then she’s off in a flurry, going to get ready herself. He grabs at a pot of hair gel and styles his hair as best as he can before putting on some aftershave. Looking at himself in the mirror again, he sighs in a bid to get rid of the anxiety that’s coursing through him. He’s a bundle of nerves at the thought of having to spend the night around Ben when he's still getting the silent treatment from him. But the other thing that’s making him so nervous is the thought of being on a night out with Ben in general. That’s something they’ve never done before, not even during Fresher’s week.  
  
He sits down at his desk and tries to distract himself. In just over an hour they’ll be leaving the flat together. He can’t help but wonder if it’s too late to pretend he’s fallen ill after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s almost two hours later when there’s a knock on his bedroom door and Jay pokes his head in.  
  
“Who knew those girls would take so long, eh? You ready to go?”  
  
Callum nods, shutting his laptop down and standing. He’s certainly not going to complain about Lola and Whitney taking so long to get ready. They’ve just lost an hour of their night out which Callum considers a win.  
  
His palms are sticky and he wipes them across his jeans before picking up his jacket and following Jay out into the hallway.  
  
Lola and Whitney step out of the kitchen, giggling to themselves as they make their way down the hallway. At the end of the hallway is Ben, leaning up against the wall casually as he looks at his phone. Callum takes a moment to really look at him. There’s no denying that he looks good standing there in dark jeans and a black shirt and he silently appreciates the way Ben has rolled the sleeves up.  
  
Callum swallows against the dryness of his throat and wonders how it is possible to be attracted to someone he doesn’t even like.  
  
Ben looks up then, their eyes automatically meeting and Callum feels himself fall still at once again being caught staring. Ben keeps his eyes firmly on him even as Jay starts trying to usher them all out of the flat. He expects to see Ben’s usual smirk or perhaps even a wink but it never comes. Instead, he gives a nod of his head in greeting and then he’s turning and following Jay out of the door.  
  
“Come on,” Whitney says, pulling on his arm. “We’ll have fun, I promise!”  
  
He musters a smile and takes her lead allowing himself to be pulled down the hallway and out of the flat.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Being out isn’t as bad as Callum had imagined it would be. He spends most of his time talking and dancing with Whitney and although Ben is never far away, Callum tries his best not to look in his direction. Ben has clearly gotten past his teasing of him, the game over for him now that he’s got what he’d wanted, so why should Callum pay him any more attention? He just needs to push Ben to the back of his mind until the night of Jay’s party is nothing but a hazy memory.  
  
It’s easier said than done though and whenever he does catch himself looking Ben’s way, he can’t help but notice just how much he looks like any other guy here. In amongst the crowd of people, Ben doesn’t stand out at all. He’s not Ben Mitchell here, he’s just Ben. He’s just Ben on campus and just Ben out in the clubs and Callum wonders if it’s only he and Whitney who still look at him and see a Mitchell.  
  
He half-heartedly contemplates what Ben is like beyond all the judgements and pre-conceptions, beyond all those things that Callum himself is guilty of placing on him. Yes, he doesn’t like Ben because of his surname but also because of the way he toys with people and flirts with them to get what he wants. He’d done that with Callum, hadn’t he? But there must be something likeable about him if Jay and Lola are friends with him and if the acceptance of everyone Ben surrounds himself with is anything to go by. Callum just doesn’t know what it is.  
  
He wants to know.  
  
Something that has surprised him about Ben is that he had expected Ben to have disappeared from the club by now. They’ve been here for almost three hours and Callum had thought Ben would have either left to meet a hook up or decided to ditch the group in favour of going to one of the gay bars nearby instead. But he hasn’t. He’s still here with them, laughing with Jay, dancing with Lola, chatting easily with anyone who approaches him. He actually looks like he’s enjoying himself.  
  
Drinking down the remnants of his bottle of beer and deciding that now would be a good time for a toilet break, Callum leans in to Whitney and tells her where he’s going. She nods her head and moves closer to the rest of the group as he walks away.  
  
He makes his way through the crowd in an attempt to get to the toilets at the far side of the dance floor. He puts his empty bottle on the bar as he passes and almost collides with someone in the process.  
  
“I’m sorry!” he says quickly, looking at the guy in front of him. He’s slightly taller than Callum, has green eyes that twinkle in the strobe lights, and there’s a familiarity about him that Callum can’t place.  
  
“That was my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” He pauses, squinting a little. “Callum, right?”  
  
This guy knows his name! Callum racks his brain in an attempt to work out how he knows him but comes up with nothing.  
  
“Yeah…….Uh, I’m really sorry but I can’t place you. Do we know each other?”  
  
He feels terrible for forgetting and feels even worse when the guy smiles a little and lowers his eyes to the floor. Callum thinks he almost looks sad.  
  
“We met at Pride a few months back,” the man says, looking back at Callum again. “Simon,” he adds, as if that will help to jog his memory.  
  
It doesn’t.  
  
“I’m really sorry,” he responds, shaking he head to indicate he really can’t remember.  
  
“I guess you’d have said no then.” Callum looks at him in question and the guy, Simon, elaborates. “We got talking a little bit, I was going to ask if you fancied getting a drink hoping we could get to know each other but then you disappeared.”  
  
He remembers Simon now. He’d been the person he’d got talking to in one of the bars. His intention has been to go in, get a feel for the place and then leave again. But Simon had approached him and started talking to him and he hadn’t been able to get away for ages. He’d finally made an escape when Simon had gone to the toilet.  
  
He’s never felt bad for walking out on him that day and if he’s being really honest, he hadn’t given Simon a second thought after leaving the bar which is probably why he’d failed to recognise him tonight. But he feels bad for it now seeing the hurt on Simon’s face. He feels he owes it to him to give an explanation.  
  
“Listen, I’m really sorry about that,” he says. “Thing is, it was my first Pride and it was all a bit of a blur if I’m honest. I wanted to go and see what it was like but spent the whole time worrying someone would recognise me and report back to my Dad. It weren’t anything against you.”  
  
Callum thinks back to that day, still as much of a blur now as it was back then. He and Chris had said they’d go together but then they’d broken up and when Pride had rolled around Callum found that he still wanted to go even if Chris wasn’t by his side. He’d never been to a Pride event before and from what he’d heard about it, he couldn’t imagine how any of it could be real. He had been eager to see it for himself.  
  
When he’d arrived he’d been overwhelmed by the amount of people there, the music, the colours, the flags. He hadn’t known what to do or what he was supposed to do or which direction to go in. There seemed to be something different happening everywhere he looked.  
  
He’d ended up in the bar purely by chance. He’d seen Tina in there, Mick’s sister, working behind the bar and as soon as she’d seen him hovering by the door she’d beamed at him and waved him in excitedly.  
  
“I can’t believe you’re here!” she’d grinned, moving around the bar and rushing over to him to pull him into a hug. When she drew back, he’d noticed her look around before fixing him with a stare. “You’re not here on your own, are you? What happened to Chris?”  
  
He’d shrugged at that, telling her that he and Chris had broken up. It wasn’t something he’d spoken about with anyone, keen to ignore the fact it had happened even though it had been mutual.  
  
She’d given him another hug then. “Johnny’s around here somewhere. You should go find him; celebrate together!”  
  
“Maybe.” The mention of Johnny had reminded him of all their differences. Johnny was firmly out and proud and fully accepted by everyone around him. Callum, on the other hand, was still living a lie to some extent. Sure, he’d accepted who he was and he had been growing in confidence every day, and having the support from the Carter’s meant more than he could ever say, but he was still lying to his Dad and to Stuart. He was still hiding parts of himself.  
  
Thoughts of his Dad had only served to fill him with dread. Callum knew the chances of anyone seeing him who knew his Dad was very slim, but with every minute that passed, the more of a risk it had seemed.  
  
The moment Tina had been called back to the bar, Callum had been about to leave and forget he’d ever come, but then Simon was walking over to him and making conversation and there was nothing he could do but to smile and start figuring out a way to escape.  
  
Simon nods at him now, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiles again. “That makes sense. I thought it might be your first Pride considering how nervous you looked. It’s why I came up to you actually. You reminded me of myself. I mean, I was only sixteen when I first went but I could have done with a friendly face and a bit of guidance.”  
  
Callum smiles. Simon seems like a nice guy and knowing that he’d gone out of his way to try and help him a few months ago means a lot.  
  
“Did you ever come out to him? Your Dad?”  
  
“No,” Callum says, shaking his head. “I’m out to everyone else though. Mostly.” He doesn’t know why he’s opening up so much to someone he’s only ever met twice. He hasn’t even told any of his flatmates about any of these things. And yet it comes so easily with Simon.  
  
Simon smiles again and then motions towards the empty bottle that Callum had left on the bar. “I hope this isn’t too forward of me, but can I get you a drink now?”  
  
There’s part of him that wants to say yes. Whoever Simon is, he’s kind and easy to talk to and clearly keen to get to know him better. And he’s not stupid; he can see how attractive Simon is – he’d be mad to say no. And then there’s Ben. He hasn’t been able to get his mind off him and maybe Simon would be a good distraction, or, even better, a way to get Ben out of his system once and for all.  
  
But he’s supposed to be on a night out with the rest of the flat and no one has strayed from the group and Callum doesn’t want to be the one that does. Whitney and Lola had both tried to talk him into coming along when he’d been reluctant to and both really wanted him here. It wouldn’t feel right to just leave them.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just, I’m out with some uni mates tonight. Maybe some other time?” he asks, not wanting to completely ruin his chances.  
  
Simon observes him for a moment, a look of scepticism on his face. “I tell you what. How about I put my number into your phone and then you can decide what you want to do. Does that sound alright?”  
  
“Oh! Uh, yeah!” Callum says, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it to Simon. No one’s ever given him their number before. He watches as Simon brings up his contact list and adds his name and number into it before handing it back to him. “Thanks! I’ll text you!”  
  
Simon looks hopeful at that but there’s a hint of doubt in his eyes too. Not wanting to be the one to walk away from Simon for a second time, Callum tries to think of something else to say, but he’s interrupted the moment he starts to open his mouth.  
  
“Is there a problem?”  
  
Callum turns to see Ben suddenly standing beside him. There’s a deep frown on his face and his eyes are hard as he stares up at Simon.  
  
“Um, no, I don’t think so?” Simon responds, looking confused by Ben’s demeanour. He’s not the only one.  
  
“I was just on my way to the loo and got talking,” Callum explains.  
  
Ben nods but keeps his eyes on Simon when he says, “Well, you heard him. Run along, yeah?”  
  
Simon glances at Callum and all Callum wants to do is apologise to him but he’s too mortified. Simon looks back at Ben again and Callum wonders if he recognises him as being a Mitchell. If he does, he clearly isn’t perturbed by it because he’s turning back to Callum and saying, “Let me know about that drink,” and then he’s disappearing off into the crowd.  
  
“What the hell was that, Ben?” he demands when Simon is out of earshot.  
  
“What? I was just trying to help you out that’s all. You looked uncomfortable.”  
  
Since when did Ben care about helping anyone out? They’ve barely spoken for a week and now Ben’s acting like some kind of knight in shining armour who’s come to save the day when he’s more than capable of looking after himself. He doesn’t need Ben throwing his weight around and warning people off. To go from radio silence to this makes no sense.  
  
“Well I wasn’t. And you know what? Even if I was, I could’ve handled it myself. There was no need for you to speak to him like that. He’s a decent bloke.”  
  
“Alright, I’m sorry!” Ben says, putting his hands up in defence. “I wasn’t to know that, was I?”  
  
Callum scoffs and brushes past him, heading in the direction of the toilets. He pushes open the door, glad that there’s no queue, when he becomes aware of Ben following him.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“You walked away in the middle of our conversation,” Ben responds.  
  
Callum sighs and rubs at his face. He really doesn’t get it. He’s wanted Ben to stop ignoring him for the last seven days and now that he has, he can’t help but feel increasingly frustrated with him.  
  
“You apologised. What more is there to say?”  
  
Ben leans back against the sinks and crosses his arms. “I didn’t want you getting hassled by that bloke that’s all.”  
  
“I wasn’t being hassled! Besides, aren’t you the one usually doing the hassling?”  
  
His face falls, resignation appearing. “Fair point I guess.”  
  
Callum looks at him. It’s the first time Ben hasn’t denied an accusation like that and it comes as a surprise to see him being accepting of it now.  
  
“Look, let’s just forget it, yeah? No harm done.”  
  
Ben nods and watches him for a few seconds. He looks like he’s about to say something else but then the door opens and someone walks in and whatever the moment was breaks. He clears his throat and then he’s walking out of the door leaving Callum wondering what’s just happened.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, leave kudos, or comment on the last chapter. I hope you will like the direction that this story is about to go in and that it continues being enjoyable. This chapter marks a bit of a turning point....
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Eight  
  
  
  
  
**

Loud laughter fills the empty flat as the door opens and Jay staggers through the entrance held up by Ben and Callum at either side of him. Lola and Whitney follow in their path in hysterics over Jay’s drunken behaviour.

It’s gone past three o’clock in the morning and Callum had worried they were going to end up waking people the moment they’d arrived back. But as it turns out, the university campus apparently doesn’t sleep at night.

They’d had to get a taxi back from the club and trying to get Jay in and out of it had been a task in itself. Ben had trusted him to stand unaided whilst he paid the driver but Jay had been unsteady on his feet and had lost his balance, colliding into a line of recycle bins and knocking them sideways with a crash. He’d ended up in a heap on the floor, laughing uncontrollably to himself which had only served to set Lola and Whitney off laughing too.

The taxi had driven away just as Ben approached and he’d looked down at Jay with his hands on his hips and shaken his head.

“You wanna learn how to handle your drink, mate,” he’d chuckled before leaning down to get a grip on one of Jay’s arms and looking up at Callum. “You wouldn’t give me a hand, would you?”

They’d managed to get back to the flat in one piece which had been a miracle really with the amount of times Jay had stopped them on the stairwell. Whitney’s cackling had reverberated around them and Lola had tried to get her to be quiet but it was no use when she was struggling to contain herself.  
  
“Okay, mate, let’s get you to bed,” Ben says now as he leads Jay in the direction of his bedroom. Callum keeps a hold of Jay’s arm which is slung around the back of his neck. His back is starting to ache now from stooping and he can’t wait to drop Jay down on the bed and straighten his bones again.  
  
“Boring!” Jay shouts in protest of Ben’s suggestion. “All night party!”  
  
“Maybe another night, yeah?” Ben replies before looking Callum’s way. “I’ll take it from here if you just get the door for me?”  
  
Callum nods, untangling Jay’s limbs from around him and opening Jay’s door. He holds it wide and let’s Ben pass him, watching as he drags Jay over to the bed and dropping him down onto it.  
  
Whitney and Lola lean up against the wall in the hallway and carry on laughing about something or other. Callum is too tired to bother asking what it’s about though. Or maybe he’s just too sober.  
  
“He’s gonna be feeling it in the morning,” Lola laughs breathily. “God, I’ve had such a good night!”  
  
“I doubt he’ll even see the morning,” Callum says, stepping away from Jay’s bedroom door and letting it close. Ben’s still in there trying to get Jay to stop talking and go to sleep and Callum reckons it’ll be a while before that happens so decides to leave them to it. “Anyway, I’m going to bed myself I think. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”  
  
“Night, Callum,” Whitney responds, trying to suppress her laughter.  
  
He can still hear the girls once he’s back in his room. He’s glad they’ve had a good night and it’s not like he hadn’t enjoyed it himself, but the look on Ben’s face in the toilets still hasn’t left his mind. He can’t get over the fact that Ben hadn’t spoken to him since last week and then when he had, it had been to try and “save” him from someone he knows nothing about like Callum couldn’t possibly decide for himself who he did and didn’t talk to. And then, in the toilets, he’d just quietly accepted Callum’s words instead of trying to argue back which was so unlike Ben.  
  
Callum brings his phone out of his pocket and goes into the contact list to see Simon’s name now in it. He smiles a little and tries to remind himself that Ben doesn’t matter – that he shouldn’t be the focus of Callum’s thoughts.  
  
Looking down at the name, Callum wonders what he should do about it. Just because he doesn’t feel a spark with Simon doesn’t mean he can’t get to know him, right? Just because heat doesn’t pool low in his stomach when he looks at him like it does when he looks at Ben doesn’t mean that such a feeling won’t come in time, does it? He just needs to give it a chance.  
  
Locking the phone and placing it down on the desk, he starts to undress and get ready for a shower before bed. Maybe he could even stretch to making himself a hot chocolate afterwards.  
  
He looks at the time – twenty-two minutes past three – and decides tomorrow will definitely require a lie in if he’s to avoid falling asleep in his lecture in the afternoon. He counts on his fingers and then sets his alarm for eleven o’clock. Seven hours sleep should be enough.  
  
Picking up his towel, he steps into the shower and turns it on, stepping back under the spray and letting it fall down around him. He’ll sleep, go to his lecture, and maybe he’ll text Simon tomorrow night.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He feels fresh from having a shower and quietly moves around the bedroom to get changed into his bed clothes. Swiping at his damp hair to push it away from his eyes, he decides he’s still got time to make himself a warm drink before going to bed.  
  
Yawning, he makes his way to the kitchen expecting everyone else to be in bed already by now but he’s surprised when he sees Ben sitting at the kitchen table, still in the clothes he went out in and picking at some of the left over birthday cake from last week.  
  
Ben seems to be lost in thought but looks up at Callum's entry and his face shifts as he pastes on a smile. “Still awake?”  
  
“Yeah, just making a hot chocolate before bed.”  
  
Ben doesn’t respond to that. Callum moves past him and starts preparing his drink. He contemplates asking if Ben wants one until he overthinks it too much and decides against it.  
  
“Jay asleep?” he asks to fill the silence. It’s never really bothered him before when it came to Ben, but with the man just sitting behind him still absentmindedly picking at a slice of cake, Callum can’t help but feel a little awkward.  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh. “Yeah. He’ll have one hell of a hangover tomorrow.”  
  
“And you?”  
  
“Nah, only had a couple of beers. Who needs to get drunk when they’re having fun anyway?”  
  
Callum wants to ask what he means by that. Is he saying that Jay drank so much tonight because he wasn’t having fun? Or is he saying that he himself only ever drinks too much when he’s not having fun? The Ben he’s seen this past week has been confusing, but it’s even more apparent tonight. He was so sure he hadn’t been wrong about him even though Ben had told him otherwise, but as the hours go by, Callum keeps seeing a flash of something new – or if not new, then different.  
  
None of it makes sense to him though. Ben is an enigma that he can’t figure out.  
  
He busies himself with stirring his drink until the lumps of hot chocolate powder start to dissolve. As he takes the spoon over to the sink, he pays more attention to Ben who is still sitting quietly at the table. He’s stopped picking at the cake now and instead has a small piece of it between his thumb and forefinger, watching as crumbs fall down to the plate.  
  
“You eating that? Or do you just not want anyone else to eat it?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “It’s stale anyway.” He pushes the plate away and licks at his fingers. Callum watches him do it and when he realises he’s staring he turns away quickly, not wanting to get caught out for a third time. He really needs to get a grip of himself.  
  
“That bloke tonight,” Ben says, gaining his attention again, “he gave you his number, didn’t he?”  
  
“So what if he did?”  
  
Ben doesn’t say anything to that and Callum assumes that’s the end of it. He picks up his mug and starts to move towards the door when Ben asks, “You gonna see him again?”  
  
He turns to Ben who is looking fixatedly at the table. He almost looks nervous for asking but Callum can’t understand why he would be. But then, he can’t understand why Ben’s asking either.  
  
“I don’t know. Maybe,” he says, avoiding a definite answer and watching Ben for any sort of reaction it might get. Ben just nods though, eyes still firmly on the table. If Callum didn’t know any better he’d say Ben was jealous but Ben’s not the jealous type and besides, it’s not like they’re anything but a one-time hook up.  
  
When Ben doesn’t ask anything else, he moves towards the door, intent on drinking his hot chocolate and going to bed.  
  
“Callum, wait.” Ben stands abruptly, chair scraping back loudly. He rounds the table quickly, stopping when he gets nearer. “I don’t want things to be weird between us.”  
  
“Nothing’s weird,” he responds. _Apart from the fact that everything is_.  
  
“I just want us to get along. I just want us to try.”  
  
They’d agreed to try and get along for the sake of themselves and everyone else not so long ago and they’d ended up in bed together shortly after that. Callum’s not sure he and Ben can ever get along. Every time they try something seems to get in the way.  
  
“You’re the one who’s not spoken a word to me since last week,” he says, aiming to make it clear that if anyone is the cause of them not getting along this time it’s Ben.  
  
“Yeah, because I thought that’s what you wanted.” Ben sighs, moving to perch on the arm of the sofa, shoulders sagging a little. “You couldn’t get away from me quick enough that night, Callum. I didn’t think you’d want me to talk to you.”  
  
Callum’s quiet, not sure what to say. Yes, he’d wanted Ben to talk to him. He couldn’t stand it when he didn’t. He’d been going out of his mind as a result of being ignored, hadn’t he? But he’s not about to tell Ben that.  
  
“Do you? Want me to talk to you?” Ben asks when the silence between them grows.  
  
“If you want us to try and get along then yeah, we can talk,” he responds casually as if it doesn’t make a difference to him either way.  
  
“I’m asking what _you_ want, Callum. It’s not just about me.”  
  
Why does he have to be so insistent? Can’t he just accept the answer that Callum has already given and let him go to bed? The mug of hot chocolate is starting to feel heavy in his hand and he has to swap it over to his other one, burning his fingers on the side as he does.  
  
He glances at the clock on the wall as the big hand edges closer to the number twelve, the little hand already at the number four.  
  
“It’s too late in the night to be having this conversation. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, yeah?” He opens the kitchen door, not allowing Ben to respond and walks out of the room.  
  
“Why can you not give me a straight answer for once in your life?” Ben questions, following him out of the kitchen and down the hallway. “You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. We only had sex.”  
  
Callum swirls, hot chocolate splashing over the side of the mug with the movement. Without thinking, he grabs hold of Ben’s arm and pulls him into his bedroom, letting go to turn on the small light above the desk so that he can see. Ben is standing in front of him with wide eyes, looking half shocked and half amused at having been dragged in here.  
  
He puts the mug down onto the desk and looks at Ben, feeling the frustration seeping out of him now.  
  
“You need to keep your voice down!” he hisses. “We are not talking about that out in the hallway for anyone to hear.”  
  
A small smile tugs at Ben's lips as he rolls his eyes. “Relax, Callum! They’ll be dead to the world by now. Wild horses couldn’t wake that lot up.”  
  
Callum doesn’t know what he could find so amusing about all of this. Then again, he’s probably not bothered about anyone finding out what happened between them last week. Callum’s surprised he still hasn’t told any of them.  
  
“Seriously, Callum, what’s the big deal here? We had sex and now you can’t give me a straight answer to a simple question.”  
  
“Will you stop saying that?”  
  
“What? We had sex? Because you were there; it’s not exactly new information is it?”  
  
Callum sighs, moving around Ben to close his curtains. Anything to avoid looking at him.  
  
“Why is this affecting you so much?” Ben asks from behind him. “I don’t see what the issue is.”  
  
“You wouldn’t. You’re used to sleeping with just about anyone and dropping them like they’re nothing afterwards.”  
  
He curses himself for letting that last part slip out, not wanting Ben to know he’s been bothered about being disregarded this past week. He keeps his hands on the fabric of the curtains even after he’s closed them. He can’t look back at Ben just yet; he can’t.  
  
“Is that what this is about?” Ben questions, the sound of his voice coming nearer. “You feel like I’ve dropped you?”  
  
 _No_.  
  
 _Yes_. He’s so stupid.  
  
He grips at the curtains, willing Ben to just disappear. Instead, he feels a hand on his arm and all willpower he had disintegrates. He let’s go of the curtains and allows Ben to turn him but even with the man in front of him, he looks anywhere but into his eyes.  
  
The lack of a response is answer enough for Ben. “Bloody hell, Callum! You were the one that walked out on me, not the other way round!”  
  
And he’s right, isn’t he? Callum did walk out on him that night. He has no right to feel ignored or put out by Ben's lack of response since. And yet he does. If Ben is looking for some kind of explanation then he's not going to get one that makes sense because even Callum can’t comprehend the things in his head. He feels so confused by everything. He doesn’t want to want Ben and yet he finds himself drawn to him anyway. Too close and he finds Ben frustrating and maddening, too far away and he feels ignored and invisible. There’s no happy medium here.  
  
Ben’s eyes widen a little and his face falls. “Fuck! Was it your first time?”  
  
“What? No,” he responds, not sure what part of his silence had signalled that.  
  
“Because if it was – "  
  
“It wasn’t, Ben. I just don’t sleep with people as casually as you do. I’ve not had, like, a hook up or whatever before, if that’s what you want to call it.”  
  
He thinks about Chris. It was shortly before his seventeenth birthday when they had got together. They’d taken things slowly for a while. Chris was already out to his family whereas Callum was still determined to keep the truth from his own. The support from the Carter’s was all that he needed.  
  
He and Chris had been one another’s first times. Neither of them had known exactly what they were doing but they’d figured it out together, laughing as they made use of Chris’ empty house one sunny summer’s afternoon.  
  
They’d agreed to keep their relationship as far away from the prying eyes of Stuart and Callum’s Dad, which had meant that Callum had ended up spending more time at Chris’ house than he did at his own. He needn’t have worried though. Stuart was rarely ever around and his Dad was always too drunk to notice whether Callum came home from school or not.  
  
The Carter’s had noticed though, or rather, Linda had and then told everyone else. She’d said she’d seen a glow in him and that he looked happy - “like a young boy in love.” Callum wasn’t sure what being in love felt like or even if that’s how he’d felt for Chris but Linda had assured him that when it happened, he’d know about it.  
  
Everyone in their school year seemed to know about them too. They never tried to hide their relationship amongst friends, but they didn’t shout about it either, intending on not being one of those couples who were all over each other in the sixth form common room like Jake and Samantha who didn’t care who watched them playing tonsil tennis every lunch time.  
  
His relationship with Chris had fizzled out naturally in the end. Chris had accepted a place at Edinburgh University and they’d both known that they were on borrowed time after that. Callum still wonders sometimes what would have happened if they’d gone to the same university, or if he’d followed Chris to Scotland, or if Chris had stayed. He doesn’t have any answers though. It had been something sad once, but it’s not anymore. Now, it’s just a silent wonder of what could have been.  
  
“Look, it’s late. I just want to go to bed,” he says, allowing himself to look at Ben now and hoping he’ll let the subject lie and go to bed himself.  
  
It turns out to be a mistake because Ben looks stunning in the low light of the room. He hadn’t noticed it before, too preoccupied with trying to avoid his questions, but now Ben is all he can see. He still has the sleeves of his shirt rolled up and it’s still tucked neatly into his jeans just as it was before they’d all gone out.  
  
Callum wonders how anyone can manage to still look so good after a night out. Who gave Ben Mitchell the right to look that good at all? He knows that he probably looks a mess in comparison. His hair is still flat and damp from the shower and he’s standing in an old t-shirt and shorts that he knows he bought for next to nothing in the supermarket earlier on this year. But Ben – Ben looks like he’s just stepped out of a magazine. There’s not a hair on his head out of place and Callum remembers what it had felt like to put his fingers through it and –  
  
No! He needs to stop thinking like that!  
  
But Ben’s looking at him now like he can see right through him. He always seems to be able to do that and it both unnerves and thrills Callum in equal amount.  
  
“Is that all it is? Nothing else?” Ben asks, voice quiet as he steps a little closer.  
  
Callum has to backtrack through their conversation to work out what he’s asking. What had they been talking about? His head feels fuzzy, not wanting to give any thought to anything other than the here and now. Ben had wanted them to get along, hadn’t he? That’s how this had started. And Callum had refused to admit that he wanted Ben to talk to him and……Oh, yes, Callum’s not used to casual hook up’s – that’s where they were at.  
  
“Callum?” Ben prompts.  
  
“No, there’s nothing else,” he responds shakily. “We’ll get along if that’s what you want.”  
  
“What I want, is for you to tell me what _you_ want.”  
  
Callum huffs, his eyes never leaving Ben’s. “You’re infuriating, you know that?” It doesn’t come out how he intends it to though, instead sounding strangled and quiet.  
  
Ben grins, takes another step closer. “That’s what you like about me though, isn’t it?”  
  
“No, Ben, it’s not what I like about you.”  
  
“So you admit you do like something about me then?”  
  
Callum doesn’t know where he gets that idea from but he feels Ben’s hand again, this time on his chest as Ben’s fingers curl around the material of his t-shirt, and he can no longer come up with a good enough response. His heart races and Ben must be able to feel it but he keeps his eyes locked on Callum's as he pulls him closer, closer, so close until they’re lips are almost touching. Ben’s eyes flicker down, pausing for a moment before flicking back up again.  
  
“Your move,” he whispers, effectively handing the reins over to Callum.  
  
Last time they did this, Callum had let Ben lead the way. It’s different now. Callum knows he’s been given the opportunity to stop this before it’s too late but he can’t. He knows this can’t happen again, knows he needs to break away whilst he still has chance, but he’s caught in a trance almost and drunk on Ben and lust and _this_ and maybe he always has been and just refused to acknowledge it until now.  
  
He kisses Ben, soft and careful and chaste at first. But then he takes a moment to look at him. Ben’s still got his eyes closed, waiting for more and Callum pulls him back in a little too harshly, desperate need getting the better of him. But Ben’s response is just as needy, perhaps even more so because he’s pulling at Callum’s t-shirt and dragging him over to the bed.  
  
Callum goes with him, already make light work of the buttons on Ben’s shirt and pushing it from his shoulders before Ben is pulling him down.  
  
Callum clambers over him as Ben settles himself on top of the mattress and Callum once again curses the stupid positioning of the beds in this flat. He presses his hand against the wall to steady himself and then Ben is pulling him down once more, reconnecting their lips and kissing him hard. Callum moans into the kiss at the feel of Ben’s hands on his back, gently coaxing his t-shirt higher. There’s something about Ben’s body flushed against his that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get enough of.  
  
Ben’s pushing the t-shirt over his head then and Callum moves a little to help before the item is thrown to the floor, Ben’s jeans following shortly afterwards. He hadn’t even noticed Ben had got them undone. He reaches out to press a palm against Ben’s cock, brushing a thumb over the soft material of the boxers that cover it. Ben groans loudly and raises his hips to try and get more contact.  
  
“Shhh!” Callum whispers, eyes widening. “You’ll wake Lola!”  
  
Ben chortles at that, looking up at him as he says, “From what I remember, you weren’t so bothered about anyone hearing last week.”  
  
And okay, yes, maybe he had struggled with the volume once or twice last week but that had been different – there had been a party going on at the time. Now though, it’s the middle of the night and Lola is only in the next room and –  
  
Ben pulls him back down to kiss him and Callum stops thinking after that. Instead he continues to rub at Ben’s cock, eventually getting rid of the boxers that are only creating a barrier. He feels Ben’s mouth move across his jaw and his fingers in his hair, tugging a little to expose Callum’s neck before pressing kisses there too. He nips and licks along the pulse point and Callum feels dizzy with it, closing his eyes and allowing the feeling to take over him.  
  
“Fuck me,” Ben growls, leaning up to his ear as if there’s a chance Callum won’t hear him otherwise.  
  
But he does hear and he inhales sharply at the suggestion, a new need coursing through him at the thought of being inside Ben. But there’s a problem.  
  
“I don’t have – I don’t have anything here.” It’s almost embarrassing to admit but it’s not like he’d come to university with the expectation of hooking up with anyone. He hadn’t given it any thought at all.  
  
“Jeans. Back pocket,” Ben tells him, already pulling at Callum’s shorts and sliding them down to get them off.  
  
He leans to the side, reaching for the floor and finds a condom and lube in the back pocket of Ben’s jeans just as he’d said.  
  
Ben chuckles. “Always prepared, me. Never know who you’re gonna meet.”  
  
Callum looks back at him to see his eyes shining. Ben is always so confident and he’s no different when it comes to sex either, but the longer Callum looks at him, the more he thinks he can see something more vulnerable underneath. He wonders what it would be like to take Ben apart bit by bit, discover what’s underneath, but it’s an empty thought. He can’t allow himself close enough to Ben to find out. It would be too dangerous. Sex is all this can ever be, nothing more. It’s all either of them will ever be happy with.  
  
“You gonna stop staring at me or are you gonna get on with it, gorgeous?”  
  
Callum’s stomach flips and he nods a little, wetting his lips as he opens the packet of lube and pouring some on his fingers.  
  
He starts slow at first, gentle, but it’s Ben that encourages him on with an utterance of “I’m not going to break” which comes out as a whine. Callum presses into him, adding another finger when Ben looks at him expectantly, and another when he receives a nod shortly thereafter.  
  
Ben is all gasps and soft moans and his eyes are closed and Callum missed this last week. He’d been so caught up in his own ecstasy that he’d barely paid any attention to Ben. He can’t bring himself to think of anything other than Ben now though, placing small kisses on his cheek as he continues to work him open.  
  
“Want you now,” Ben mumbles, reaching out blindly for the condom and passing it to Callum when he finds it amongst the sheets.  
  
Callum takes it from him a little too eagerly causing Ben to laugh, his eyes opening and connecting with Callum’s once more who readies himself before leaning back over Ben.  
  
“Like this?”  
  
“Like this,” Ben nods in agreement, pulling Callum over him a little more.  
  
Callum takes his time, entering Ben slowly and carefully until he’s being told to move. He does as he’s told, moving out before sliding back in again and when he starts to build up a rhythm, Ben matches it, moaning loudly and grabbing hold of his own cock. He knocks Ben’s hand away, wrapping his own fist around him causing Ben to moan again.  
  
“You’re so good; so good,” he babbles breathlessly. “Come on, fuck me.”  
  
Callum has the urge to slap a hand across his mouth to silence him, fearful of Lola waking, but he refrains, kissing him instead to muffle the sounds as best as he can.  
  
Ben’s confidence is contagious and Callum meets him with a confidence of his own. Last time, all he had been able to do was lie back and enjoy Ben’s weight on him, too far removed from his own body to be able to do anything else. This time, it’s him over Ben, around Ben - fuck, he’s _inside_ Ben.  
  
He wants this, wants Ben, and he casts aside any worries of how he might feel afterwards, too caught up in the here and now to allow himself to care about the consequences.  
  
He feels his stomach tighten and a delicious heat start to roll through him. “Not gonna last.”  
  
Ben brings his hand to cover Callum’s, pressing a little to get him to increase the pressure of his swift stokes along his length.  
  
“Ben,” he croaks out, “Ben...”  
  
Ben lifts his hips to meet him once more and then Callum’s releasing into the condom, intent on keeping up the pace until he can no longer hold himself up and he’s collapsing down on top of Ben.  
  
His hand goes limp around Ben’s cock but it’s okay because Ben’s twisting his wrist and he’s coming himself. Callum breathes heavily, watching as cum splatters across Ben’s chest, he too breathing heavily at the side of him.  
  
Callum closes his eyes and presses his head into Ben’s shoulder but he knows he can’t stay here, certain he’s a deadweight on top of Ben and he needs to clean himself up. They both need to clean up.  
  
After a moment, Callum pushes himself up, muscles aching as he clambers out of the bed, going into the en-suite and disposing of the condom. A few seconds later, he’s returning with a warm cloth in his hand, handing it to Ben who smiles warmly, eyes crinkling as he takes it.  
  
Callum gets back into the bed, fitting into the tiny space between Ben and the wall. It’s a squeeze and it’s not exactly comfortable but he’s too tired to really care, and he closes his eyes, lids too heavy to keep open.  
  
He hears the slap of the cloth as it hits the floor and then he feels Ben’s eyes on him, but he keeps his own closed, willing for sleep.  
  
“So last time, you did a disappearing act on me. But since I’m in your bed this time around, I’m not leaving until I know you’re not tormenting yourself over this.”  
  
Callum sighs. The thought of Ben leaving hadn’t even occurred to him but he can’t exactly stay here either and Callum’s not sure he’d want him to anyway. He doesn’t know how this has happened again but he’s too filled with exhaustion to start trying to make sense of it. The moment he does, the regret will start to creep in and he’ll not get any sleep at all.  
  
But he can still feel Ben’s eyes on him and he knows if he tries to hide behind the excuse of being tired, even though right now it’s a very valid excuse, Ben will only question him more. So he opens his eyes, turns his head Ben’s way and that’s when he sees it. Sitting inside Ben’s ear is what looks to be a hearing aid but it can’t be, can it? He’d know if Ben was deaf, wouldn’t he? Part of him wants to lean over, check Ben’s other ear, but that would be crossing far too many boundaries.  
  
It doesn’t make a difference to him whether Ben is deaf or not, but it adds to the growing list of things Callum doesn’t know about him and his want to know more.  
  
“What are we doing?” he asks, diverting his attention away from the object in Ben’s ear. If it is a hearing aid, then it’s not his place to ask questions, he just wonders how he’s never noticed it before. So instead he focuses back on questions he can ask, but ones he doesn’t really want to know the answer to. No answer could possibly be a good one. But Ben’s more used to this - casual.  
  
A smirk appears on Ben’s face and if he’s seen Callum looking at his ear for longer than necessary, then he doesn’t say anything.  
  
“We just have amazing sexual chemistry, don’t we?” he responds, although that’s not an answer and he seems to realise it, his face growing serious again. “Obviously something’s going on with us, but it’s not a big deal. I just don’t want a repeat of this past week. I meant it when I said I want us to get along and, you know, I'm not gonna complain if that involves a quick shag every now and again.”  
  
“Ben!” Callum scolds, rubbing frustratedly at his face as he remembers that this is one of the many things he doesn’t like about the man.  
  
“What?” Ben laughs.  
  
“Do you have to be so blunt all the time?”  
  
“What would you rather I say? _Copulate_? That work better for you does it?”  
  
Callum can’t help but smile a little at that and god, Ben can be so annoying sometimes.  
  
“Fucking hell,” Ben grins, pulling Callum’s hands away from his face. “Callum Highway smiling at something I’ve said? Wow, if this is the effect fornication has on you then maybe we should be having sexual relations more often.”  
  
A bubble of laughter bursts out of him and Ben laughs too beside him.  
  
It’s nice.  
  
It won’t last.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the response to the last chapter. When writing this fic, I've subconsciously created different parts of the story in my head corresponding to where Ben and Callum are in their relationship with one another. Up to now, their relationship (in the general sense) has been quite a strained and volatile one. This chapter marks the beginning of the next part of the story for them. 
> 
> Now, I know it's only October but who's ready for some Christmas festivites? (Warning that this chapter contains the slur lyric from Fairytale of New York)
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Nine  
  
  
  
  
**

Ben must go back to his own room at some point in the night because Callum wakes to find he’s alone, the only evidence that last night happened being the ache in his muscles and the smell of sweat and sex on the sheets.

It’s eleven o’clock and he has a lecture in a few hours. He wonders what that will be like with Ben sitting nearby, only Lola separating them.

Lola. God, he hopes she didn’t hear them last night. He’d be mortified and she would no doubt have questions that he wouldn’t be able to answer.

He thinks about the previous night now. He doesn’t regret it and he wouldn’t say he’s necessarily against it happening again, but getting involved with Ben is a risk and he can’t afford to get too close. Sometimes he thinks he can see underneath the surface layer that is Ben Mitchell, but he knows there must be many more darker layers hidden from view, ones that he’ll never want to see at all.

And so Ben will always be a mystery to him. No matter how many layers he manages to gain access to, there’ll always be a side to Ben that he’ll always want to stay away from – the Mitchell side – and how can anyone ever really know someone if there’s something so dark and horrid that they’re unwilling to go near?

He doesn’t suppose it matters as long as he keeps some kind of distance. It’s not like they’ll ever be in a relationship. For a start, he can’t imagine what that would even be like but he’s certain it would be far from the typical kind that most people have. When he gets into another relationship, he wants it to be like the one he had with Chris, happy and carefree and loving. Ben could never offer anything like that.

And that’s another thing. Ben doesn’t strike him as the settling down type. He’s never hidden the fact that he’s happy to hook up with different guys every week. It stands to reason that at some point he’ll grow tired of Callum and move on to the next person.

So a relationship is a definite no. For both of them.  
  
But then, he doesn’t think what they’re doing can necessarily be considered friends with benefits either. They’re not friends and even if Ben wants them to get along, even if they can learn to be amicable around each other, they’re never going to be friends. Besides, friends with benefits suggests they’re likely to sleep together again and if Callum has learned anything this past week, it’s that he can’t predict what’s going to happen from one day to the next anymore.  
  
Ben had told him that it wasn’t a big deal, whatever was happening between them. But he’s not the one getting himself involved with someone who comes from a family of criminals so of course it’s easier for him to say that.  
  
Callum’s not going to bury his head in the sand though, try and pretend it didn’t happen, and do whatever he can to stay away from Ben for the rest of their time at university. It’s an impossibility and he couldn’t stay away from Ben even if he wanted to. After last night, he’s not sure he does. But he still doesn’t know what it is about Ben that he’s drawn to when so much about him frustrates and annoys him.  
  
He thinks back to the thing he’d seen in Ben’s ear last night. It’s another layer of Ben he doesn’t know about.  
  
Reaching for his phone, he opens his browser and makes a search on hearing aids. Pages upon pages of results appear but he ignores them in favour of clicking on the images and casting his eyes across all the different kinds. He hadn’t known there were so many. But it’s clear from what he can see that he’s right about Ben – the thing in his ear is a hearing aid.  
  
He wonders how badly effected Ben is, wonders whether he was born with a hearing impediment or whether it’s happened over the course of his life. They’re all things he can’t ask though. He has no right to that kind of information.  
  
Rolling out of bed, he puts the phone on the desk before getting ready for a shower, hoping the warm water will soothe the ache in his muscles. He knows why the ache is there though so he really can’t complain. He smiles a little at the memory. No matter what happens, he knows last night isn’t something he’ll ever regret.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The kitchen is empty when he enters. He’s feeling better after a shower, fresher and more awake. Pouring the cold contents of his hot chocolate from the night before into the sink, he starts to scrub at the mug with a cloth just as the door opens and Lola walks in.  
  
Like him, she’s already dressed, but she looks tired and Callum watches her carefully for any indication that he and Ben are the reason why.  
  
“Morning,” she yawns, reaching across him to flick the kettle on.  
  
“Morning. How you feeling?”  
  
Lola leans on the kitchen unit, staring at the kettle as she waits for the water to boil. “Awful. Nothing a couple of coffees won’t sort out though.”  
  
He nods, waiting to see if she says anything else. She gets a mug out of the cupboard and puts in a large scoop of coffee and he steps out of her way to give her room. Feeling awkward, he tries to distract himself by deciding whether to have a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich for himself. It’s half past eleven already so it's far too late for breakfast but it’s too early for lunch too. Then again, what is life as a university student if he doesn’t make things up as he goes along. He’s come to learn very quickly that there’s no right or wrong here. People do what they want, eat what they want, dress how they want and no one bats an eyelid.  
  
With that in mind, he grabs the box of Weetabix from the cupboard and puts two into a bowl. Lola is quiet beside him and he can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  
  
It isn’t until she’s sitting on the sofa with her coffee and he’s taking a mouthful of Weetabix that she speaks.  
  
“Can’t believe Jay got so drunk last night. He’s gonna be hungover today.”  
  
Callum laughs quietly, remembering just how much Jay had drank. “Yeah, I don’t think he’ll surface for a while yet.”  
  
“Hmm. Good night though,” she says, fixing him with a stare suddenly. He tenses, feeling the edge of the unit digging into his back as he leans against it. Nodding a little, he hopes that she’s simply making a general statement. But then she’s smiling, eyes sparkling and looking more awake suddenly. “Come on then! Tell me about it!”  
  
“What?” he asks, feigning ignorance.  
  
“Who was that bloke you were talking to? Was he chatting you up?”  
  
It takes a second for Callum to realise who she’s talking about and he breathes out, relieved that she’s not referring to Ben. She’s talking about Simon. He’s somehow forgotten about bumping into him last night. It feels like a long time ago now.  
  
“He’s uh, he’s called Simon,” he tells her. “I met him at Pride a few months back, he recognised me last night and came to say hello.”  
  
Her eyes brighten. She’s clearly more excited than he is. “Well, it can’t just be nothing because I saw you hand your phone over to him. Did he give you his number?”  
  
“Yeah, he wanted to so…..”  
  
“Aww, he’s obviously interested in you!”  
  
Callum can’t respond to that though because the door opens and Ben is walking in and he loses all concentration. Ben’s gaze falls upon him as he walks over to the draining rack, but it’s brief, over all too quickly. Callum can’t stop looking at him though, watching as he picks up a glass and fills it with water from the tap.  
  
“So are you going to text him?”  
  
He looks back Lola’s way but he has no idea what she’s talking about, too aware of Ben’s presence. “Sorry?”  
  
“Simon,” she says, oblivious to the fact that his mind has just crashed.  
  
“Oh, uh, I don’t know,” he replies because he really doesn’t. Last night, he had planned to text Simon later on today but a lot has happened since then.  
  
“You should! From what I could see, he was well fit! Don’t let Ben swarming in put you off.”  
  
Ben spins around, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. “And what’ve I done?” he asks, sounding a little offended.  
  
“You interrupted Callum with that bloke last night. It’ll be a wonder if you didn’t scare him away.”  
  
“Yeah well, I’m sure Callum doesn’t mind.”  
  
“Only because he’s too nice to tell you to back off,” Lola tells him, taking a sip of her coffee.  
  
Callum wonders if he’s going to get a chance to say anything at some point given that he’s the topic of conversation. He’s confused by Lola’s statement though. She’s surely heard the arguments that he and Ben have had in the past and she’s definitely had to put up with him complaining about the man on more than a few occasions. He’s certainly not afraid to tell Ben what he thinks and he would have thought that was common knowledge by now.  
  
“I’m sure Callum knows what he wants,” Ben says, keeping his eyes on Lola. “If he wants to see Sam or Stephen or whatever he’s called – "  
  
“Simon,” Lola supplies.  
  
“ – then he will. I’m certainly not standing in his way.”  
  
Ben takes a gulp of the water and leaves the room without giving him another glance.  
  
Does he mean that? Would Ben be okay with it if Callum were to get in touch with Simon and meet up with him? He supposes this is what causal is – see who you want when you want. In any case, it’s not like Ben’s going to stop sleeping around. He’s clearly not bothered what Callum does about Simon despite the way he’d questioned him last night.  
  
With that in mind, Callum considers what he should do. Does he text Simon and suggest they meet up or does he ignore the number and forget it’s there? He decides to make a decision later when he’s a little more awake and when he’s had chance to wrap his head around last night.  
  
It’s clear though that Lola has no idea about what he and Ben were up to last night. And that’s the way he wants it to stay.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That afternoon, Ben comes into the lecture hall in the same way he always does – a swagger in his stride as he carries with him an air of authority, quickly pinpointing where Lola and Callum are sitting before coming over to slump down beside them. Well, Lola. He never sits beside Callum which Callum has always been glad about.  
  
Ben throws down a pen and a notepad onto the table, muttering something about how he hopes they can get this done with as quickly as possible. Lola agrees, telling him she’s already on her fourth coffee and she’d much rather be back at the flat in her pyjamas. There’s talk about Jay again – they still haven’t seen him today – and Callum thinks that despite their conversation last night, Ben is going to carry on pretending he’s not there.  
  
It’s no different to the norm so of course it isn't noticeable to anyone other than him, but things have changed and he hates feeling so visible to Ben one minute and so invisible the next. So when Ben and Lola engage in conversation with each other, Callum can only sit by and hope that their lecturer turns up soon so he doesn’t have to sit with the feeling of being ignored once again.  
  
But then Ben is leaning forward and asking, “What about you, Callum? You feeling okay today?”  
  
Callum is startled by it, not expecting it and it takes him a moment to respond with a short, “Oh, uh, yeah.”  
  
Ben keeps his gaze on him for a few seconds longer before turning back to Lola. Callum sighs inwardly at himself. He’s just messed that up, hasn’t he? He’d wanted Ben to talk to him and then when he had, he’d barely said anything in response. It wouldn’t surprise him if Ben never says anything else to him ever again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben does speak to him again. As the days go by, it becomes clear that any flirtatious comments he may have made before with the intention of making him uncomfortable really are a thing of the past. He seems to tone down on the talk of sex and his innuendoes are few and far between, at least that’s how it is when Callum’s around anyway. It’s strange, but not a bad thing.  
  
Callum doesn’t feel Ben’s eyes on him as much anymore either which is funny because the tables have turned and now Callum finds himself being the one looking at Ben. Can’t keep his eyes away from him if he’s honest with himself. Before that first night, he’d always felt like he was something to be looked at under Ben’s microscope which had made him feel nervous and on edge, and now whenever Ben looks at him it’s for no other reason than because their eyes just happen to meet or because Ben is directing a comment his way.  
  
Because that’s something they’re doing more of now – talking as opposed to arguing all the time. It’s not like they’ve become friends over night who talk non-stop to each other, if anything they still very rarely talk, but Ben makes an effort to include him in conversation now which he wouldn’t have done before. He’ll throw in a question for Callum to answer or he’ll look to him to seek his opinion on something.  
  
Like two days later when they’re in the kitchen, everyone milling around as they make dinner for themselves. Callum has planted himself on one of the sofas, happy to sit back and wait for them all to finish before he makes a start on his own. He’s just flicking through the university magazine that had been pushed under their door earlier when he hears a loud cry of frustration coming from across the room.  
  
“Why is it sticking?” Ben shouts, scowling as he forcefully digs at the contents of his pan. “It’s all breaking!”  
  
“You’re probably doing it wrong,” Jay says from beside him as he puts his own dinner into the microwave and sets the timer.  
  
“It’s pasta! No one gets pasta wrong!”  
  
Jay snickers. “No one apart from you, you mean.”  
  
Ben groans and then turns to look Callum’s way. “You need to help.”  
  
“I don’t know if there’s anything I can do,” Callum replies, feeling unsure of himself, but he stands from the sofa anyway and moves across the room to have a look at the pasta.  
  
“You’re a culinary genius. If you can’t help then I’m not starting again. I’ll have to go over to the canteen and that food’s disgusting. You ever tried the food from there, Callum?”  
  
Callum shakes his head as he tries to stir the pasta. He hasn’t tried food from the university canteen but after growing up living on the bare minimum, sometimes having to get by on bread that was already going mouldy and fruit that was on the turn, he very much doubts that the food from the canteen is as bad as Ben it making it out to be.  
  
“You’ve not got enough water in here,” he says, looking at the way the pasta has soaked up most of however much water Ben had put in. “And you need oil.”  
  
“Oil?”  
  
“Yeah, cooking oil.”  
  
Ben flays his arms out, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. Callum wants to laugh at the drama he is creating over such a simply cooking task, but he schools his face, getting the feeling his laughter won’t be received well by the other man.  
  
“Do I look like someone who buys cooking oil?” Ben asks, irritation evident in his tone.  
  
Callum motions vaguely in the direction of the cupboard that has his food items in it. “I’ve got some. You get that, I’ll sort the water out.”  
  
Ben does as he’s told as Callum reaches for the kettle, satisfied that it’s still hot enough from when Whitney had boiled it to make her microwave noodles. He adds the water to the pan just as Ben returns, holding the bottle of cooking oil in his hand.  
  
“I take it this is what you’re wanting?” he asks, looking at the bottle sceptically.  
  
Callum nods as he starts to stir the pasta as best he can. “Yeah. You put it in while I stir. But just a splash, okay?”  
  
“You’re quite bossy really aren’t you?” Ben’s eyes glimmer as he says it, smile threatening to break out onto his face.  
  
“Just put the oil in, Ben,” he orders, waiting on him so that he can try to salvage the pasta.  
  
“Alright, alright!”  
  
Ben pours a small amount of oil into the pan, stopping when Callum signals for him to do so.  
  
“You know,” Jay speaks up, “when you two aren’t having a go at each other, you actually make a good team.”  
  
Callum likes the sound of that. They do seem to be making a good team and it makes him think about what things could have been like if Ben wasn’t a Mitchell. Ben, however, doesn’t seem to agree.  
  
“Don’t say that! This one here’ll get too big for his boots and start thinking he can boss me around whenever he likes.”  
  
_I reckon you might like that_ , he thinks, biting his tongue to stop himself from saying it out loud. He’s surprised by the thought, having no idea where it’s come from but now all he can picture is him and Ben in bed, Ben handing over all control to him, letting him do whatever he wants.  
  
He feels his jeans tighten and steps away from the pan, eager to put distance between himself and Ben and put an end to his thoughts.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In the days that follow, things change a little more, their brief interactions gaining an added layer when Ben starts to silently communicate with him during group conversations. It’s not a regular occurrence but one Callum notices nonetheless. Sometimes Ben will glance his way to pull a face, letting him know what he happens to think or whatever conversation is going on around them at the time.  
  
It’s something so frivolous, just small, insignificant acts, but it’s a reminder to Callum that they’ve shared something and that Ben isn’t treating him like any other one night stand he’s had (though he supposes he’s now a two night stand, if that’s even a thing. Is it a thing? It’s too complicated. He doesn’t think he’ll ever fully understand how casual sex works.) It’s a reminder that he’s not been dropped by Ben and tossed to the side.  
  
Things are starting to feel normal. _Ben is being normal_. If he’d been like this from the beginning and if it wasn’t for his family being who they are, Callum thinks he and Ben would have been getting along for a long time now. They would maybe even be close.  
  
But he can’t allow himself to think about it for too long. He knows he has to maintain some distance. It’s been five days since he and Ben last slept together and there’s been no sign of it happening since. Even if it were to turn into a regular occurrence, which isn’t looking likely at the moment, Callum knows all it will ever be is sex. He sounds like Ben and it causes him to shudder. Maybe that’s how it works – no strings attached, no feelings, no emotions. It’s a foreign concept to him but he thinks for Ben he’d be willing to figure it out.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a Tuesday when he gets dragged into Central London to go Christmas shopping with Whitney and Lola.  
  
He had argued that it was only the first week of November but their response to that had been that the end of term was five weeks away and after that everyone would be returning home for the holidays. That was five weeks in which their flat could be decorated.  
  
He had argued that there was really no point in decorating at all considering, as Lola had said, there would be no one at the flat for Christmas itself. The response to that made him regret putting forth the point in the first place.  
  
He had argued that they could very easily go to the high street to buy decorations, but Whitney and Lola had insisted on Central London stating it would be exciting.  
  
So that’s how, almost six hours later, Callum finds himself packed into the corner of a crammed carriage on The Tube, pressed up against a tall box that contains a Christmas tree. It was the sole reason for having to go along – Lola and Whitney had needed him to be Christmas tree carrier. He wants to resent it, but how can he when he’s only ever been able to see Christmas being celebrated from afar and now he’s getting chance to take part?  
  
Growing up, his family never celebrated Christmas, at least, not in the traditional way. His Dad had always drank heavily, falling asleep in front of the television and waking up again just in time to go to the pub for even more drinks. In the years that Stuart had been around, he’d tried to bring some festive spirit to the home which had only served to irritate their Dad. In the years he hadn’t been around, well, those were the Christmases that felt like any other day of the year.  
  
Callum had been invited to the Carter’s on a few occasions. The first year he'd been asked, he’d gone, too young to recognise their pity. It had been a lovely day, one of the best he’d ever had. Seeing what Christmas really was rather than just hearing about it from others had been somewhat magical. Everyone around him had been happy, laughing and making jokes as they had all sat around a big table. And the food! The food had been unlike anything he had ever tasted before. He couldn’t believe it was real. It had felt like a dream.  
  
Only then he had returned home and any lasting magic he felt died the moment he’d entered the flat. His Dad had been in very close company of a woman he didn’t recognise. He’d spotted Callum in the doorway and his face had turned furious, stomping over to him and dragging him to his bedroom and telling him to stay there.  
  
Callum had cried himself to sleep that night with thoughts of the Carter’s on his mind and wondering how life could be so different.  
  
The second time he’d been invited he’d made up an excuse for why he couldn’t go. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, far from it in fact. He’d salivated at the thought of the Christmas dinner, yearned for the feeling of being surrounded by so much warmth and joy, but the thought of knowing that it couldn’t last was too much to bear so he’d said no, refusing himself of something that would only cause emptiness and loneliness in the end.  
  
The third time he’d been invited, he’d been old enough to realise that the only reason they probably ever asked was because they felt sorry for him. They knew that he wasn’t being brought up in a loving home and by the time he was fifteen, Callum had decided that they could never know just how dark it really was. He was older, it was time to stand on his own two feet without relying on the Carter’s any more than he really had to.  
  
They hadn’t asked again after that but they always said that their door was open, Christmas day or not.  
  
This year, Callum has a chance to celebrate Christmas without needing to be invited. He doesn’t have to watch from afar because he’s included – he’s part of the flat. And no, he’s not going to be at university for Christmas itself, but celebrating in the lead up to it is the closest he’s going to get. So he might be pressed into the side of a carriage awkwardly holding on to a box with a Christmas tree inside, and he might have had just about enough of being knocked to the side by someone’s shopping bags, and he might not be able to feel his toes from having spent too long outside in the cold, but he can’t resent it.  
  
After pushing his way onto the platform and out of the station and making the walk back to campus, Callum is tired, arms aching from the weight of the box. But the thought of putting up their decorations is beginning to excite him, having never done so before, so he continues on, smiling at Lola and Whitney’s enthusiasm as they enter the flat.  
  
“Jesus! How much did you get?” Jay exclaims from his positioning on the sofa.  
  
Callum lets the box drop to the kitchen floor, breathing out at the relief it brings to not have it in his arms anymore and glancing across at Ben who is sitting next to Jay, fully engrossed in gaming.  
  
“Just a few bits,” Lola says, grinning happily as she puts her bags down and starts to empty the contents.  
  
“A few bits? Thought we were students on a budget?”  
  
Lola shrugs. “Will you calm down? It’s my money, thank you very much. Besides, it’s just a few bits of tinsel and some fairy lights. Most of this stuff is DIY.”  
  
“I’m making us a paper chain,” Whitney sing-songs in excitement.  
  
Keeping his eyes on the screen, Ben asks, “And what are you gonna do with it all after this? Five weeks and then you’re just gonna chuck it out?”  
  
“We can save it for next year, can’t we?” Lola responds. “Just imagine it; Christmas in our own house.”  
  
Callum hasn’t given any thought to their second year. They’re not even two months into their first and it’s already been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride for him. It’s a struggle to imagine how the rest of the year will go, never mind thinking about what comes next.  
  
Lola has a point though. They will only be in this flat until next summer and after that they’ll have to find student accommodation off campus. He supposes it makes sense to continue living with the same people if it’s possible to but that would mean he and Ben would still be living together and it’s one thing to be living with him due to someone else’s decisions, but it’s quite another to be doing it of his own choosing.  
  
But it’s a long time until that happens and he’s content not to think about it for the time being. One look at Jay suggests he feels the same way. It’s still very early days for he and Lola – who knows if they’ll even want to live together by then?  
  
Lola continues to unpack the bags, Whitney reaching for the packs of make-it-yourself paper chains and settling herself down on the floor to make a start.  
  
Feeling better after having a breather, Callum makes a start on opening the box beside him. He’s never put up a Christmas tree before and doesn’t really know where to begin, but he hopes it’s simple enough to do.  
  
“We need music! Festive music!” Lola shouts, reaching for her laptop that is balanced on the side of the sofa and turning it on.  
  
“No, we can’t have music,” Ben protests, looking up from the screen in front of him and waving an arm to stop her.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“We’re in the middle of a very serious mission here,” Jay explains, motioning towards the television where Callum can see what looks to be _Call of Duty_ on the screen.  
  
His eyebrows furrow as the game continues to play, neither one of Jay or Ben’s characters moving from their current position.  
  
“It doesn’t look very serious,” he points out, earning him a glare from Jay and a side-eye from Ben. Callum bites his lip, trying not to laugh at their reactions.  
  
Ben’s mouth twitches a little before he’s smiling and rolling his eyes. “Oh, fuck’s sake, let’s just let them play their music.”  
  
Lola whoops at that, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet even as Jay gasps in shock, muttering something about Ben being a traitor.  
  
Callum can’t contain a giggle even as he wonders whether Ben did that for him or for himself.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas you arse, I pray God it’s our last!”_  
  
For someone who hadn’t initially been keen about playing Christmas music, Ben has certainly embraced it whole-heartedly. He’s standing on top of the kitchen table having thrown aside anything that had been on it, and he’s theatrically waving his arms out as he partakes in a rendition of ‘ _Fairytale of New York’_ with Lola.  
  
Callum has never seen Ben so much in his element before. He’s seen him happy, but this is on a whole other level. He’s like a different person. Up there on the table, towering over everybody as he dramatically belts out the words to the song, he’s drawing in the attention of them all, even Whitney who still doesn’t like to give him the time of day. He’s utterly captivating.  
  
With help from Jay, Callum has successfully put the tree together and Lola has helped with decorating it. Now there’s a fully decorated Christmas tree standing in front of the window with shiny tinsel and glittering lights. He’s supposed to be hanging some lights around the edging of the window too but he’s become too distracted by Ben.  
  
_“And the boys in the NYPD choir still singing Galway Bay, and the bells are ringing out for Christmas day!”_  
  
Jay cheers loudly from beside him as the music begins to fade. “Bravo! Bravo!”  
  
Ben takes a bow from his standing point and then jumps down from the table, almost tipping it over as he does, and pulling Lola into a hug. He hollers with joy, high on an energy that is infectious and Callum beams as he watches them. If this is what Christmas is, he wants more of it.  
  
Jay swarms in close to Lola when she and Ben pull apart, taking her in his arms and spinning her around as she laughs. “You were amazing, do you know that?”  
  
“Oh, you liked it, did you?” she grins, leaning in for a kiss.  
  
“Get a room you two!” Ben says, pretending to gag at the sight of them. Jay wiggles his eyes at Lola, pulling her out of the room as she continues to laugh. “King of subtlety, mate!” he shouts out as the door closes behind them.  
  
Ben turns to Lola’s laptop and skips the track that has just started playing. It’s a slow one, Elvis Presley droning on about how it’s a blue Christmas, and Callum can see why he’d want to skip it – it’s not exactly in keeping with the festive atmosphere.  
  
The opening chords of Wham’s _‘Last Christmas’_ fill the kitchen as Whitney asks, “What d’you think?”  
  
Callum looks over to where she’s still sitting on the floor to see her holding up the end of her paper chain.  
  
“It’s looking good,” he smiles causing her to grin and nod in response.  
  
He takes a string of fairy lights from out of a box and begins to untangle them just as Ben starts singing along to the song. It’s low, not quite as confident as he’d been just a few minutes before, but he’s not putting on a dramatic and over the top act either. This is Ben’s real singing voice, Callum realises. And god, he can _sing!_  
  
Callum tries to focus on untangling the string of lights but he’s fascinated at the sound of Ben’s voice – the melodic way in which he can carry a tune. He’s good! He’s more than good!  
  
A ringtone suddenly breaks out from across the other side of the room and Whitney is leaping up to retrieve the phone.  
  
“No one touch my paper chain,” she warns as she answers the call, leaving the room quickly.  
  
And so it’s just the two of them. It’s the first time they have been alone since the night they last slept together but he chooses to ignore that thought in favour of battling with the fairy lights.  
  
Ben laughs suddenly, breaking off in the middle of his singing. “You know how to make things difficult, don’t you?”  
  
Callum looks up at him, not knowing what he means, but then Ben’s walking over, taking the string of fairy lights out of his hands and starts to untangle them himself.  
  
“I can do it,” Callum says.  
  
“I can do it quicker,” Ben argues, holding up the now untangled lights and how did he do that so fast?  
  
Ben passes the lights back to him and their fingers brush gently as he takes them. His eyes connect with Ben’s who steps closer, wire still in his grasp having not fully let go yet.  
  
The air around them seems to change but they can’t do this. Not here. Not when anyone could walk in.  
  
“Uh……I didn’t know you could sing,” he says, trying to think of something other than how close Ben is, how if he only dips forward a little, Ben’s lips could be against his own.  
  
No, he’s not thinking about that.  
  
Ben shrugs, lowering his eyes. “I guess. A little bit.”  
  
“More than a little bit. You’re really good.”  
  
Ben keeps his eyes on the wire in his hand, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger. This is different; another side that Callum hasn’t seen. He’s struggling to accept the compliment and Callum can’t think why. Ben is always so confident, narcissistic even.  
  
“I like seeing you like this,” he adds before he can think better of it. He realises it’s the first time he’s admitted to liking something about Ben, both to Ben and himself, but it’s worth it just to have his eyes on him again.  
  
“Like what?” Ben asks, quiet now.  
  
“Like, I don’t know……happy? You’re like a different Ben tonight.”  
  
Ben's gaze is unwavering when he responds. “I’m not being any different. This is who I’ve always been. You just choose not to see it sometimes.”  
  
He sounds sad as he says it and fuck, Ben’s words are like something stabbing at his chest. But it can’t be true, can it? Ben’s never shown him this side of himself before. Or had Callum overlooked it in favour of focusing on other things?  
  
“I…….” he starts, but he realises he doesn’t know what to say. Ben’s looking at him, waiting, but what do you say to someone who you feel like you’re seeing for the first time? He’s seeing under the layers he’s familiar with to a Ben he’s never seen before, perhaps because he’s never noticed or perhaps because he’s never been willing to look hard enough.  
  
He wants to reach out, touch, maybe stroke a thumb just gently over Ben’s cheek, keep their eyes locked in the way they are right now. But he can’t. This has to be casual, this has to be no emotions, he has to keep his distance in that regard. It’s either that or nothing. And he’s tried staying away from Ben completely and it hadn’t worked.  
  
“I really don’t want to get involved with you, you know,” he says, trying to express everything he’s thinking. Ben keeps an intense gaze on him, remaining silent. “Your family, Ben…….I know you didn’t choose them, I know you might not be like them, but sometimes I just don’t know what to think, you know?”  
  
Ben nods, looks down at the fairy lights that are still connecting the two of them. It's starting to feel like more than just the wire that tethers them together.  
  
“I know my family are who they are. But my life here and my life out there are two separate things. If you’re worried about - "

“There’s lots of things I’m worried about.” Callum pauses, then asks, “Have you told anyone about…..?”  
  
He doesn’t know how to finish that question. ‘Us’ would sound too personal. ‘The other night’ would in some way eliminate their first. He wants to know whether anyone knows they’ve slept together, whether the first time, the second time or both. Why is it so hard to ask?  
  
“No, I haven’t,” Ben responds in understanding. “I wouldn’t do that. Not to you.”  
  
Callum wonders what makes him any different to anyone else Ben has hooked up with and gloated about afterwards in the past.  
  
Ben seems surprised at his own words and clears his throat, letting go of the fairy lights and stepping away.  
  
“Besides, the secrecy is kind of a turn on,” he comments, and Callum hears the change in his tone immediately. It’s like he’s put a mask on and he’s suddenly so full of the bravado that Callum is used to. It’s whiplashing.  
  
“We’ve not got anything to be secret about really,” Callum says, struggling to keep up with the sudden change in mood. The words feel like a denial even as they fall from his lips.  
  
“No, but we could have,” Ben grins, face brightening now. “You just say the word and I’m there.” He winks before motioning to the floor. “Now, about this paper chain, eh?”  
  
“Don’t even think about it,” Callum warns, laughing now.  
  
“Made you laugh though. Guess I’m onto a winner today.”  
  
Before he has chance to respond, the kitchen door opens and Whitney walks in, immediately returning to the paper chain.  
  
“Don’t worry, Whit,” Ben tells her, “Callum’s been keeping close guard over it.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum doesn’t know why but he finds himself outside Ben’s bedroom later on that night. It’s late, the flat is quiet, and there’s a chance that Ben is asleep. Callum isn’t asleep though. Perhaps that’s why he’s here. He’s been unable to think of anything other than Ben ever since the decorating had finished a few hours earlier. For some reason, he keeps coming back to Ben. He keeps being drawn to him.  
  
He still doesn’t know who the real Ben Mitchell is, which parts of him are real and which are just an act. It’s possible that everything he’s seen so far is part of the man – a multifaceted person who has a multitude of layers.  
  
It’s equally as possible nothing he’s seen has been part of him, that Ben has been lying this whole time, trying on different personalities to see which one benefits him most.  
  
And yet, Callum can’t help but wonder.  
  
He hears Ben calling for him to come in after he knocks on the door so he does. Ben is laying on his bed, laptop resting on his thighs and setting the room aglow with its light. He looks up when Callum enters and although he seems surprised, he remains quiet and unmoving.  
  
Callum lets the door close behind him and steps tentatively into the room, stopping before he gets too near to the bed. His heart races and he still doesn’t know why he’s here or what to say now that he is. Ben is watching him and Callum has to look to the floor just to avoid his gaze.  
  
“I don’t know why I can’t keep away from you.” He’s quiet when he says it, chewing on his lip nervously and half prepared for Ben to ridicule him and send him on his way.  
  
But instead, Ben is moving and putting the laptop on the floor beside the bed. Callum looks up to see him extending an arm and making a grabbing motion with his hand.  
  
Encouraged by it, Callum steps forward a little more towards the bed and then Ben is shuffling forward himself, kneeling on the mattress as Callum draws near.  
  
“I don’t want you to,” Ben tells him, whispers it like it’s a secret he can’t even tell himself.  
  
Callum’s eyes connect with his and he feels Ben’s fingers running up along the side of his arm and then back down again setting the hairs that are there to stand on end.  
  
“This can’t be…….This has to be a casual thing,” he says because if there’s one thing Ben needs to know, it’s that. He can’t believe he’s the one saying it if he’s honest. Ben is the casual sex type, Callum is the one who seeks for such an act to be meaningful. And yet here he is being the one to suggest it.  
  
Ben nods in agreement. “It’s just sex. You have your life, I have mine. No strings.”  
  
They’re on the same page then. Callum knew he would be but he’d still hoped for it nonetheless. He can do this. He can have Ben and still keep himself at a safe distance.  
  
Leaning in, Callum presses his lips against Ben’s in a bruising kiss unable to hold back any longer. Ben returns it in favour, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him down onto the bed, allowing them to lose themselves in each other.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who read, commented or left kudos on the last chapter :) 
> 
> This chapter feels like the time to say that there are certain things dotted around this story that don’t get a follow up. Loose strands, if you will. So loose that they're likely to be unnoticable. These strands have no impact on the story in any way but there are small things that I’ve written in case there’s ever a sequel. There may not be but there's always ideas going around in my head and some things I've chosen to put aside should I ever decide to write one. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Ten  
  
  
  
  
**

After that night, the third time, hooking up with Ben starts to become a regular occurrence. Sometimes he’ll go to Ben’s room late at night when everyone else in the flat is already asleep. Other times, Ben will come to him. It’s never something they plan. It’s never something that is expected. Callum doesn’t knows from one day to the next whether this will be the day he and Ben end up in bed together again.

Callum acts on instinct, waiting until he can’t stand to be away from Ben any longer, waiting until the aching need becomes too much to ignore before he makes his way down the hallway towards Ben’s room. On the nights it’s the other way around and Ben comes to him, Callum doesn’t know what the reasoning for it is, doesn’t know if Ben too feels the same need or whether he’s just bored and has time he wants to fill.

Over the last couple of weeks he has been spending his time trying not to think about what he’s doing with Ben. They seem to have settled into their situation, whatever that situation might be. They meet, have sex, part ways. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s something Callum never thought he would ever feel comfortable with. Sometimes they end up falling asleep, exhaustion overcoming them, but no matter whose bed they’re in, they always return to their own in the middle of the night.

It’s because of these things, this easy arrangement, that Callum manages to maintain some distance, an emotional one at least. He tries hard not to look too far beyond the surface of what Ben chooses to show him. If he’s being cocky and arrogant then Callum tries not to be too annoyed by it; if he’s being soft and serious then Callum tries to appreciate it for what it is knowing that those moments are few and far between.

It can’t last, he knows that. This is only ever going to be a temporary thing. But the end of the semester is coming up soon and he’ll be going home for Christmas and he figures that the time away will offer him some clarity on how to move forward.

When Jay finds out that he’s been given a job behind the bar in the SU, everyone in the flat decide to go and celebrate before he starts his training in a few days. Even Ruby puts in an appearance, though it’s more a case of buying him a congratulatory drink before disappearing away to her own group of friends at the other side of the room.

“I’ll have to come down and annoy the hell out of you,” Ben had said when Jay told them the news. “It’ll be a right laugh.”

“You would as well, you nob!”

Lola had crowded him, throwing her arms around him happily. “I can’t wait to see you in action, babe,” she told Jay.

Ben had pretended to be disgusted at that, making a comment about how that was too much information. Jay had simply ignored him, looking each of them in the eye and saying, “Don’t think I’m serving any of you lot free drinks either!”

Callum had been happy for him and more than willing to buy him a drink to congratulate him as well. So that’s how they find themselves several drinks into the celebrations almost two hours later.  
  
Everyone except Ben that is.

“Where’s Ben?” Lola asks now, as if she’s only just realising that he’s no longer with them.

Callum has noticed the lack of Ben’s presence of course, but the night has been passing by so quickly that he hasn’t given his disappearance any thought. But now that he thinks about it, Ben had got up to go to the toilet almost twenty minutes ago and he’s still yet to return.

“Do you really wanna know the answer to that?” Jays asks, screwing up his face a little in a look that Callum struggles to decipher.

“Well I don’t care that he’s not here,” Whitney responds. “It’s more relaxed now.”

“What, you think he’s hooked up with some bloke?” Lola questions, looking towards Jay now.

Jay takes a swig of his pint and swallows it down. “Course he has. This is Ben we’re talking about. Wouldn’t surprise me if they’re getting it on right now in those toilets.”

“Classy,” Whitney mutters.

Callum looks down at the coaster on the table, its edges peeling from many years of use. He swipes a finger through a wet patch of condensation and tries to ignore the feeling in his stomach.

The thought of Ben being with someone else isn’t something he’s considered until now. If he is then it’s not exactly a surprise given the casual nature of their tenuous relationship. They’re not together, Ben’s free to do what he wants, but even so, the thought of it is somewhat unsettling.

“Mark my words,” Jay adds, “he’ll be bragging to me about it tomorrow.”

On the night they had decorated the flat for Christmas, the night Callum had made the decision to go to Ben’s room, he had been sitting at his desk and looking at Simon’s number in his phone trying to decide what to do. It wasn’t a case of choosing between Simon and Ben per se, but it had felt like he’d been at a fork in the road and he’d known that if he went to Ben then it wouldn’t be fair to reach out to Simon as well.

He had gone to Ben, locking his phone and choosing to forget about Simon’s number.

It’s not the same though. Callum knows he has just as much right to meet up with other guys as Ben does. It’s just that he’s choosing not to. He can’t feel put out just because Ben might not be making the same decision. And he doesn’t. It’s not jealousy he feels. It’s nausea.

“I feel a bit sick, you know,” he says, standing from his seat as the wave hits him.

“Again?” Whitney asks, looking at him in alarm. “You felt sick last time we were in here.”

Shit. He’s used to same excuse.

Thinking on his feet he says, “I think it’s all this alcohol. I should’ve lined my stomach properly before we came out. I’m gonna go back to the flat I think.”

He’s only had a few drinks but no one seems suspicious of his excuse, instead just looking at him with concern.

“Are you gonna be alright?” Lola asks as Jay gets up.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine once I’ve eaten something.” He motions to Jay and tells him to sit down. The last thing he wants is anyone following him back to the flat and fussing over him. It will only make him feel guilty.

He smiles at them a little and then turns, making a bid for the doors and absolutely not glancing in the direction of the toilets as he does. He definitely doesn’t imagine Ben in there, locked in some tiny cubicle with his hands on someone else, his mouth.

He steps out into the bitter air of the late November night. Making his way across campus, he pulls his jacket further around him and decides he’s going to go to bed as soon as he gets in just so that his imagination doesn’t have chance to taunt him with thoughts of Ben and some nameless stranger.

Putting his key into the lock, he opens the door of the flat causing the light in the hallway to come on automatically as it senses movement. The door to his left swings open, making him jump.

“About time!” Ben says, coming out of his bedroom and stopping in front of Callum. “Any longer and I would’ve seriously considered going back and dragging you out!”

“What?”

“I’ve been waiting for you!”

Feeling puzzled, Callum tries to make sense of what Ben is telling him but he’s still not over his surprise that Ben is here. What is he doing here? He’s supposed to be pressed up against the wall of a tiny cubicle, isn’t he?

Ben must see his confusion because he motions vaguely at the stretch of hallway in front of them. “We have an empty flat.”

“Right?”

Ben rolls his eyes and sighs, reaching out to grab onto the lapels of his jacket. “So we can make as much noise as we like…..”

_Oh!_

Callum’s eyes widen at the implication and it sends a rush of heat straight to his cock. Ben smirks, pulling on Callum’s jacket to bring them closer, but there’s one thing Callum’s still confused about.  
  
“You said you were going to the toilet.”

Ben stops pulling. “Yeah, so that lot wouldn’t ask questions.”

“I didn’t know you’d left so that we could…….” He trails off, allowing the end of his sentence to hang in the air around them. Ben isn’t with someone else. He’s been waiting for _him_. Callum feels a flutter in the pit of his stomach, replacing the nausea that was there before.

“We really need to work on our communication skills,” Ben responds, tugging on the jacket again.

“Maybe we could come up with some kind of code – "

Ben sighs again. “Callum, are you gonna stop talking any time soon or are we gonna make use of this empty flat?”

Callum huffs out a laugh, leaning forward to kiss Ben who moans deeply in response.

“Now, get in there so I can find out just how loud we can be,” Ben growls, pushing him backwards into the bedroom and letting the door close behind them.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Callum’s mouth salivates from the smell of bacon and sausages cooking in the frying pan. It’s mid-morning and Jay is slumped on the sofa behind him looking more than a little worse for wear.

“I don’t know why I drank so much,” he groans. “I said I wouldn’t after last time. It’s your fault.”

Callum laughs, cutting a slice of toast into triangles. “I bought you one drink! And I’m slaving away here to make you breakfast so just be careful what you’re saying.”

“I didn’t mean it was _just_ your fault. I’m sure you all get a kick out of seeing me drunk.”

He starts to plate up Jay’s breakfast for him, throwing a couple of slices of toast onto a plate for himself. He’s never been able to stomach the idea of eating so much so early on in the day and even though he loves the smell of it, he’s more than content with his buttered toast and cup of coffee.

“Technically, I wasn’t there to see you get drunk. And there’s no tomatoes with this by the way because we don’t have any.”

Jay sits up when Callum approaches, putting a textbook onto his knees to act as a tray and taking hold of the plate.

“Oh, you’re a legend, mate!”

“You’ve perked up!” Whitney says from her place at the table. She’s sitting with a now empty bowl in front of her and is flicking through a magazine as she starts to drink her second coffee of the day.

“Course! Nothing better than a full English.”

Whitney huffs out a laugh and then turns to Callum. “You feeling any better this morning?”

Leaning back against the unit, Callum picks up a slice of toast and takes a bite out of it in an attempt to hide a smile as he remembers last night. He had allowed himself to lose all inhibition in the knowledge that the flat was empty and Ben had eagerly pushed him onwards, encouraged it, dragging out both of their orgasms for as long as he could.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, all good.” He feels bad about lying but it’s just the way it has to be.

As if knowing he’s being thought about, Ben walks in at that moment, hair sticking up every which way from having been asleep. He immediately spots Jay’s breakfast and leans down to pinch a sausage from the plate.

“Oi!” Jay scolds as Ben chuckles, biting into the sausage as he does.

“Hmm, lovely! Thought I could smell breakfast!”

“What happened to you last night?” Jay asks, swallowing down a piece of toast.

Ben shrugs, passing Callum on his walk over to the fridge and pulling out the carton of juice. “Had stuff to do.”

“That code for a hook up is it?”

“No.”

Callum’s muscles thrum with nerves even as Ben denies it. He knows Ben won’t tell anyone about them – it’s been weeks now and he hasn’t yet – but it’s so much easier to school his face and not give anything away when Ben isn’t in the room. Just the fact that he’s here, that they both know something that the others don’t, fills his insides with anxiety and makes him feel restless. Ben had called the secrecy a turn on. Callum just wishes he could feel just as easy about it too.

Ben moves close to him and Callum steps aside to allow him to open the cupboard door, watching him reach for a glass on one of the shelves.

“Are you telling me you didn’t get off last night?” Jay questions, sounding surprised.

“I’m telling you it’s none of your business,” he responds as he pours juice into the glass. His eyes meet Callum’s own fleetingly as he returns the carton to the fridge, and then he’s picking up the glass and striding out of the room before Jay can ask anything more.

“Wonder what he’s up to,” Whitney says, her gaze not breaking away from her magazine.

Jay stabs his fork into one of his sausages. “We’re probably best off not knowing. If it was some bloke, he’d have given me all the details by now. Wouldn’t have been able to shut him up. Which means it’s probably something to do with his family.”

“Don’t know what’s worse,” she mutters to herself.

Callum remains eating in silence. Ben could have told the truth and admitted to the hook up. He could have said it was anyone and Jay would have accepted it. But instead he’d chosen not to tell him anything at all. Callum’s grateful for it, but even so, it was a response he hadn’t expected Ben to give.

He looks at Whitney, her eyebrows furrowed as she looks down at one of the models in the magazine she's been reading. What would she think if she were to ever find out that he was sleeping with Ben? They had bonded quickly at the beginning due to their mutual views on the man. He dreads to think what she’d say if she were to ever learn what was going on between them now.

It’s all the more reason for he and Ben to keep quiet about this. No one would understand. Hell, Callum himself doesn’t understand it. Maybe he never really will.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
By the time the final week of the semester rolls around, Callum is starting to feel more and more down-heartened about the thought of the Christmas break. He had thought that the time away would help him to figure out what it is he’s doing with Ben, maybe even help bring him to his senses and remind him that this is _Ben Mitchell_ and that it doesn’t matter how good the sex is, being involved with him is dangerous even if they do still have very separate lives that just so happen to merge when the darkness falls and the world grows quiet.

But the thought of having to spend four weeks back in the family home with his Dad and Stuart (if he’s even still there) leaves him with a growing sense of dread. He’s enjoyed being in the flat so much, surrounded by friends he’s become close to. He knows he has the option to simply not go home at all but being alone on a campus that will likely turn into a ghost town by the end of the week doesn’t sound all that appealing either.

Jay and Lola seem to have thoughts of the Christmas break on their minds too if their level of affection towards one another is anything to go by. Callum watches them as they sit on the opposite sofa, huddled closely together and whispering quietly to each other. They are very much in the honeymoon stage of their relationship and it shows. He's happy for them even though being around them when they’re like this does sometimes feel like an invasion of privacy. It’s not so bad though. It’s just one of the things that comes with living in shared accommodation.

Lola giggles at something Jay says which gains Callum’s attention and he looks up from the laptop which is sitting on his knee just as their lips meet and they kiss.

“Knock it off you two!” Ben moans from where he’s sitting at the table. “You’re putting me off my food here!”

They break apart and Jay looks across at him, eyes shining happily and pulling Lola closer. “Just ‘cause you’re not getting any action……”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you’ve not mentioned one single bloke to me for weeks now which isn’t like you. And you’ve not left me on my bill to meet up with someone from that app of yours for ages either. You obviously need to up your game, mate.”

Callum feels Ben’s eyes on him and looks his way for a moment before turning back to the laptop screen.

Ben doesn’t give Jay a response.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“You’ve been quiet tonight.”

Callum looks across at Ben whose head is on the pillow they’re sharing. He’s staring up at the ceiling, chest now rising and falling at a slower rate than it had been just a few minutes ago, but Callum can still see the light sheen of sweat across his torso and the way the duvet pools around his waist.

Beside him, Callum lays at an odd angle, pressed into the wall, not quite lying on his back but not quite on his side either. It isn't comfortable. These beds were never made for two.

“Wanna tell me what’s up?” Ben asks when Callum doesn’t give him a response.

“Nothing’s up. I’m fine.”

Ben is quiet for a moment and Callum thinks he’s going to drop the subject, but then he’s saying, “You don’t have to tell me. But I noticed it yesterday and again today. You’re quieter than usual. Just saying, if you wanna talk……”

But they don’t talk, not about things like this. Not about anything really.

Callum remains silent.

Minutes pass between them, just the quiet sound of breathing in the darkness and then the bed shifts and Ben is sitting up, throwing his legs out. He’s going back to his own bedroom. This is what they do after all – have sex and leave some time afterwards.

“It’s Christmas,” Callum says, eyes on the expanse of Ben’s bare back. He doesn’t know why he says it. It’s not like he’s trying to stop Ben from going. But he also doesn’t want to be left alone with his own thoughts whilst he waits for sleep to overcome him.

Ben stops moving, head turning to look over his shoulder. “What?”

“Just been thinking about Christmas I guess. Going home.” He pauses, deciding how much he’s willing to tell Ben. “Don’t really want to.”

“You don’t want to go home? Why? I thought you loved Christmas? You really got into the decorating the other week.”

He casts his eyes away from Ben, choosing instead to focus on the empty space beside him. “Never really had a proper one. It just – it feels like a bit of a family here, I guess. Just wish we could all stay.”

He knows he must sound stupid, pathetic even, but it’s how he feels. He could do worse than to have Ben ridicule him.

Ben shifts a little, turning to rest a leg back on the mattress and looking at him properly. “What about your own family?”

“Nothing much to tell.”

There’s a huff of laughter from Ben who says, “Bet that’s not true. I can just imagine how perfect they must be.”

Callum looks at him again. “What makes you say that?”

“Because you’re you. Literal angel sent from heaven.” There’s a small, teasing smile on his face and Callum sighs.

“Well, sorry to disappoint, but you’re wrong.”

Ben frowns, looking at him in thought before he’s turning and throwing himself backwards to lie down on the bed again. He pulls his legs back under the duvet and then shuffles until he’s facing Callum.  
  
“Well, you know about mine. Might as well tell me about yours.”

He looks at Ben and realises this is the moment that things change. This is the moment when his life here at university collides with his life back at home. He hasn’t told anyone here about his family and he knows he doesn’t have to tell Ben now, but Ben is looking at him and waiting and maybe he couldn’t have expected to spend three years here never telling anyone at all.

Opening up about himself isn’t something that comes naturally to him. He always worries that anything he says might be pitied and he doesn’t want anyone’s pity, especially not here.

He wriggles a little, trying to get comfortable and using it as a way to buy himself some time too. Looking away from Ben, he focusses instead on the rest of the room, colours washed away in the darkness leaving only various shades of grey. And then he begins.

“My mum left when I was little. I don’t know when or why – I was too young to remember. And my dad, he um - he likes a drink. A lot of drinks. And when he drinks he has a temper.” He pauses. Almost there. “And my brother, Stu, he’s older than me and he’s been in and out for as long as I can remember. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. He was back at home when I moved here. Just got out of prison.”

Ben is quiet beside him and Callum begins to regret saying anything. “So that’s it,” he says, feeling awkward. “That’s me.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben whispers, having to clear his throat a little.

“No, don’t – I don’t want you to be sorry for me.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, that’s not……That’s not why I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said about you having a perfect family, not just tonight but that time we were arguing. I say shit sometimes when I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

It’s strange to hear Ben apologise for something but even in the dim light, Callum can see the sincerity in his eyes.

“Yeah well, I guess we’re both good at making judgements,” he says. It’s his way of admitting that maybe he had been wrong himself to judge Ben so quickly. He’s still not sure _who_ Ben is but he’s learning quickly that there’s more to him than what appears on the surface.

“Careful; that almost sounded like a compliment!”

“My family still aren’t anything like yours,” he’s quick to reply. He might have judged Ben too quickly but he has no doubts about who the Mitchell’s are and his opinions of them won’t ever change, that he’s certain of.

Ben scratches at his chin in thought. “Hmm…….maybe they’re not as bad but from what you’ve just said we’ve definitely had similar upbringings. My dad doesn’t drink anymore but that’s only because one more drink will kill him. And believe me, growing up around him when he was drunk weren’t exactly a picnic.”

He doesn’t respond to that. It doesn’t change the image he has of Phil Mitchell in the slightest. If anything, it just reinforces it.

“And my mum…….” Ben continues before stopping again. “My mum, she died when I was little, so she’s never been around either.”

That’s the last thing he'd expected to hear. Ben’s mum is _dead_. It's like a punch to the stomach and he immediately wants to reach out and……..And what? What could he possibly do?

“Car accident,” Ben explains quietly. “I was ten when it happened.”

“I’m - I’m sorry,” he says, curling his fingers into fists to stop himself from touching Ben. What comfort do you give to someone who lost their mum eight years ago?

“It is what it is,” Ben shrugs, like he’s unfazed by it and no longer feels anything. The Mitchell’s might be who they are, but it in no way diminishes the loss of a parent. Callum’s mum left him of her own choosing. He can’t imagine what it must be like for Ben to know that his mum didn’t have a choice - that if circumstances had been different, Ben would still have her in his life now.

Ben turns, rolling onto his back and motioning across the room. “So if they’re not your family, who are they?”

Callum can hear the change in his tone and realises he’s trying to change the subject. He looks in the direction Ben is pointing to and even though they aren’t visible in the dark, he realises Ben is referring to the photographs he has on his pinboard of the Carter’s.

“They’re not my proper family but they kind of are. Sort of.”

He sighs, knowing he isn’t making sense. Sitting up, he climbs over Ben to get out of bed and goes to turn on the small light above the desk. Looking at the photographs, he takes down one of he and Mick and another of he, Linda and Tina and returns to the bed.

Ben is chewing at his lip, eyes shining as he makes an effort of looking him up and down in appreciation. “I swear it should be illegal to look that good.”

“Shut up,” he mutters, feeling his cheeks flush.

He climbs back over Ben and leans up against the headboard, holding out a photograph of him and Mick for Ben to see. “That’s Mick. He used to be mates with my brother. Used to look out for me whenever he weren’t around.”

Ben takes the photograph from him and looks at it carefully. He appears to be genuinely interested. Callum holds out the photograph of himself with Linda and Tina next, pointing out Linda.

“And that’s Linda, Mick’s wife. They’ve always been good to me. I owe them a lot really.”

Passing back the photograph of Mick, Ben asks, “Couldn’t you spend Christmas with them?”

“I don’t really like to rely on them too much.” He knows what he must sound like but he isn’t ungrateful for the Carters support; he just doesn’t want to be a burden.

“Least you have options, Callum. If I didn’t go home for Christmas it’d be an insult to the whole family. Someone _choosing_ not to be there for Christmas dinner is unheard of.”

He thinks about this. He has the option of spending Christmas with Mick and Linda. Other’s don’t have a second option. They haven’t invited him this year but he knows that even if he was to turn up on Christmas day, they’d happily set out an extra plate for lunch. He’d even be able to have a proper catch up with Johnny and find out how university has been going for him.

It won’t do any harm to think about it he supposes.

“Where’s your phone?” Ben asks after a long moment.

“Desk. Why?”

Ben looks towards the desk and then sits up, leaning out of the bed to reach for it before settling back down again.

“Unlock it for me,” he says, handing it over.

Callum does without question and then Ben is taking it back and adding his number into the contacts list.

“Just, if you wanna talk over the holiday’s or anything,” he explains. “Four weeks is a long time to be stuck around family you’d rather not be around.”

He takes the phone back with suddenly shaking fingers, feeling half touched that Ben has given him his number and half terrified of instantly having contact details for one of the Mitchell’s.

Before he can figure out a response though, Ben is leaning over him, slotting a knee in between his thighs and moving to press his lips into the crook of his neck.

“Now, where were we?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The end of semester arrives all too soon and by the time leaving day rolls around, Callum still isn’t ready. He’s going home. It may only be for four weeks but he’s going home.

Once again, he contemplates staying on campus over the festive period but the thought of it being so eerily quiet puts him off that idea. So he’ll go home. Perhaps he’ll even spend some time over at the Carter’s if he can.

The afternoon has been filled with goodbyes, parting messages of “Have a good Christmas” and “See you in the New Year” that had come from Jay and Lola respectively. Ruby had left last night and now there’s only he, Whitney and Ben left. He and Whitney have agreed to get The Tube together since they live so close to each other. Maybe he’ll see her in the holidays. He’ll ask her, see what she thinks.  
  
There’s a knock at the bedroom door and he thinks that it’s her ready to go.

“Come in,” he calls out, fastening the zip on the bag of belongings he’s taking home with him.

He turns as the door opens to see Ben step into the room.

“You off?”

“Yeah,” Ben replies. “Just came to say bye.”

Callum smiles and nods.

Ben smiles back and looks to the floor.

This is awkward. He can’t hug Ben goodbye as he’d done with the others because he and Ben aren’t really friends, are they? And he certainly can’t go to him and kiss him goodbye because that wouldn’t be right either. For a start, they’re not in a relationship and for another thing, the only time they ever kiss is in the lead up to sex or during it and they definitely don’t have time for that right now. But he also doesn’t want to be so nonchalant in waving him off that he comes across as aloof or indifferent.

Ben looks up at him again, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets. “Right, well, bye then.”

Oh. So Ben’s going for nonchalance. Okay.

“Yeah, bye,” he responds, feeling weird even as he says it.

Ben nods and then turns, opening the bedroom door again and leaving. Callum stands and watches it as it closes behind him. He carries on looking at it for a long time after that feeling something unfamiliar take hold of him - something odd.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? It’s not like he and Ben are anything, not really. He doesn’t even have feelings for him. But there’s still a strange sensation that he can’t ignore when he hears the sound of the entrance door opening and closing, Ben leaving through it.

It doesn’t matter anyway. Four weeks is a long time. By the time they return in the New Year, whatever this is between him and Ben will no doubt be a thing of the past.

It really doesn’t matter.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmaaaasss!
> 
> Thank you so much for the response to the last chapter. I wasn't expecting that at all but I really enjoy reading everyone's thoughts on the story so far and where it's going.
> 
> This chapter was written on one of the hottest days in August in the sweltering heat. I can't tell you just how strange it feels to be writing about Christmas when you're right in the middle of a Summer heatwave. It was an odd experience to say the least.
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Eleven  
  
  
  
  
**

Over the Christmas break, Callum tries not to get in touch with Ben. It had been easy at first. Stuart had been excited to have him home, insisting on a welcome home party that consisted of just the two of them sitting in the kitchen with party hats made out of pages from an old newspaper and a packet of biscuits between them.

Stuart had wanted to know everything: Did Callum feel brainy being around all those other brainy kids, was it all just drinking and parties like he’d seen on the TV, what were his flatmates like? And the ultimate question – had he found himself a girl yet?

Callum had mentioned his flatmates as vaguely as he could for the same reason he hadn’t been keen to answer Stuart’s questions about finding a girlfriend – he didn’t want to tell him about Ben. He still doesn’t know what would be worse; Stuart knowing he's living alongside a Mitchell or discovering that he's gay and hooking up with one. It’s something he’s determined not to find out.

So he’s been trying not to make contact with Ben which, as the days go by, is getting harder. Ben’s mobile number is just sitting in his phone waiting to be used but he doesn’t want to be the one to reach out, which is a problem really considering he’s the only one who _can_ reach out. Ben hasn’t got his number and won’t have it unless Callum gets in touch.

There was, and still is, a part of him that hopes the time away from university will be enough to switch off whatever it is that’s been going on between he and Ben and put an end to it once and for all. He’s purposely been ignoring the strange feeling he’d felt on that last day when Ben had been to say goodbye in favour of telling himself it will be easier if they cut ties altogether. And cutting ties means not texting him to see how he’s doing just because he happens to have his number now.

“It’s just sex,” Ben had told him, and Callum had wholeheartedly agreed. In fact, he’d been the one to insist on it. And the whole point of that arrangement was to keep himself at a safe emotional distance. Texting him goes completely against that. Texting him would be talking to him for the sole purpose of just chatting and that’s not what they do.

So he’s not been in touch with Ben and now they’re two weeks into the Christmas break and he’s still trying to stop himself from making contact to the point where he’s distracting himself in whatever way he can. He’s been picking up shifts again at the restaurant, as many as his boss can give him. Thankfully with it being the festive period, they’re busier than usual and there’s lots of parties making bookings which means plenty of work for him.

When he’s not working, he’s hanging around the pub that Mick and Linda own, helping out there as well so they don’t question him too much. He’s been catching up with Johnny who is loving university life and has so many questions to ask about Callum’s own, but Callum is keen to steer the topic away from himself just as much as he is when anyone else asks the same.

He’s heard from Chris too who is back in town. Chris had suggested that they meet up but Callum hasn’t decided if he will yet. They could try to be friends but with Chris studying in Edinburgh and the pace of university life, he doubts it would work. And besides, maybe what they had is best left in the past. The thought of ‘what if’ still lingers in the back of his mind and seeing Chris will likely make those thoughts all the more prevalent again.

“It’s first love syndrome,” Tina says when he tells her about Chris’ invitation to meet.

“What?”

“You never really forget your first love. Chris was yours. No matter how many years go by, you’ll still find yourself thinking about him from time to time.”

If she’s trying to be comforting, she’s failing. “Thanks?”

“Oh, it’s not a bad thing,” she says quickly. “It’s just young love. You’ll always have fond memories. But one day you’ll find someone else and you’ll realise just how overpowering love can be and it’ll make you see the world in a different light. That’s true love.”

He frowns at her, eyebrows furrowing. “Are you getting this from a book?”

“No!” she says, slapping his arm lightly in feigned offence. “It’s called life experience. You’re too young to understand but one day you will.”

He laughs at her and she walks away from him to go and serve a customer at the bar. Maybe Chris wasn’t the love of his life but he was something. And Simon, maybe he could have been the one if Callum had given him a chance but he hadn’t because he’d been so wrapped up in his _thing_ with Ben that it wouldn’t have been fair.

The trouble is, Callum knows that for as long as Ben is around, no one else stands a chance. He’s drawn to him by a force that is getting to be uncontrollable. That’s why he has to use this time away from Ben to really knock some sense into himself because if he doesn’t then he’s just going to keep sleeping with him and that’s a dead end road going nowhere.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
On Christmas Day, Callum spends the morning with Stuart. He’s been out to buy them a few essentials and Callum has attempted to cook up some form of a Christmas dinner with the basics Stuart has provided. It’s nothing spectacular but then, Christmas in the Highway house never is. They exchange presents and then don their paper hats that they’ve pulled out of crackers and it’s nice – Stuart is really trying.

Their dad walks in as they’re eating and sidles over to them to get a look at their plates.

“There’s plenty if you want some, Dad,” Callum says, about to stand and get an extra plate, but he’s stopped by the look of distain on his dad’s face.

“What’s this muck?”

“It’s……It’s Christmas dinner.”

His dad reaches out, picking up a chicken nugget from Callum’s plate and holding it in front of his face. “And who has nuggets at Christmas?”

“I thought it’d be quicker for Callum to cook,” Stuart says. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Chicken’s chicken, isn’t it? Is doesn’t matter whether it’s in breadcrumbs or not, does it, Callum?”

Stuart looks his way, eyes pleading for him to say that he hasn’t messed up because in times like this, when he’s around, he really does try his best to do the right thing.

“No,” Callum smiles. “No, it doesn’t matter.”

Stuart looks relieved and then turns back to their dad. “So, do you want some, Dad?”

His dad throws the chicken nugget back down onto the plate. “I’m off down the local for some proper grub. Don’t want none of that rubbish.”

He’s out of the door then, slamming it behind him as he leaves, and Callum let’s out a sigh of relief. He’s used to this but it’s still a lot easier whenever his dad isn’t around. He’s just dreading later tonight when his dad returns. All he can do is pray that he'll drink so much that he'll end up passing out somewhere.

“I was gonna get The Tube over to see Mick and Linda later if you want to come?” he says, pushing his fork into the potatoes that he hadn’t bothered mashing and looking up to see Stuart’s reaction. “But I don’t have to. We can just have a day in – you and me?”

Stuart’s quiet and then he smiles and shakes his head. “No, no. You go. There’s a film on at three that I fancy watching anyway.”

“I can stay?”

“No, it’s fine! You go see Mick and Linda. You’ll only talk through the film anyway.”

Callum smiles and nods, glad that Stuart really doesn’t seem to mind. He’ll wait until the Carter's have had their own dinner and then he’ll drop in to say hello, maybe even stick around to see some of the regulars.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Mick and Linda welcome him into their pub with open arms. They’re delighted to see him and ask him if he’s eaten and when he says he has, they plate him up some of their leftovers and tell him to take it home with him. He thanks them and then sets about collecting glasses as a way of giving them something in return.

He spends the rest of the afternoon sitting at the end of the bar, happy to watch the families around him and ignoring the fact that he’s yet to properly find a place for himself yet. The flat at university is the closest he’s ever come. He watches Linda as she gets up on the karaoke and gives a rendition of Mariah Carey’s _“All I Want For Christmas Is You”_ which she sings at the top of her lungs, directing her arms towards Mick who stands behind the bar and laughs, clearly very in love.

But watching Linda on the karaoke and others that follow her remind him once again of Ben until all he can see is the way he’d climbed onto the table to sing with Lola, arms flailing dramatically, drawing the attention of the whole room.

“You okay?” Johnny asks, pulling up a stool to sit beside him. “You look miles away.”

Callum dips his head. “Yeah, maybe.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing, just…….”

He could tell him, couldn’t he? He wouldn’t have to mention Ben’s name. He could just say he’s met someone and now he can’t stop thinking about that person. But that would lead to all sorts of questions and Callum would be forced to admit that he’s not in a relationship with said person and that he doesn’t want to be either and then he’d be forced to acknowledge just how complicated this situation is getting even though it shouldn’t be because it’s supposed to be simple and easy and straight-forward. No strings. And _then_ , then he’d have to think about things he doesn’t want to think about because if he thinks about them, he’s scared about what he’ll discover.

God, how did it get to this? He’s supposed to be forgetting about Ben!

He shakes his head, ridding himself of the panic that has started to rise in his chest.

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing,” he says, forcing himself to look Johnny in the eye and hope he’ll believe him. Judging by the look on his face, he clearly doesn’t, but he nods anyway and gives Callum a pat on the back before changing the subject.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he gets back home later that evening, it’s to find an empty house. Stuart has disappeared and though he searches, there is no note left behind. It’s not exactly surprising but he can’t think where he could have gone. His dad isn’t there either but that’s something to be grateful for. It’s still early evening. He’ll be out drinking for a while yet.

Callum wanders around the house a few times, clearing away plates left out from dinner and throwing out some empty cans that are lying crumpled on the coffee table. He considers what to do with the plate of food Mick and Linda had made up for him earlier. He’s not hungry but he knows if he doesn’t have it now then Stuart or his dad will end up eating it instead. Putting it on the side, he decides to see if there’s any hot water left for a shower first.

It’s strange being by himself after spending hours surrounded by so many people. It’s part of the reason he tries not to see Mick and Linda on Christmas Day if he can help it because coming home to this just feels empty. He reasons with himself that it could be worse though; he could be coming home to his dad in a violent rage.

He goes into his bedroom, sitting down on the bed and fishing out some bed clothes from a drawer. His phone feels heavy in the pocket of his jeans as he sits there and he takes it out, putting it down beside him but something stops him from letting go. He stares at the blank screen, itching to just reach out to the one person that has been on his mind all day. But _he can’t_.

He stands, readying himself to leave the room but he finds his eyes staring down at the phone again and before he knows what he’s doing, before he has chance to question it, he’s picking it back up and unlocking the screen, scrolling down his contact list until Ben’s name appears and drawing up a new message.

 _Merry Christmas_ , he types out and sends off before he can think better of it. It’s short and simple and it’s done now so maybe he can go and have a shower and get on with the rest of the Christmas holidays without Ben plaguing his mind.

So then why is his heart hammering in his chest? Why is he breaking out into a sweat at the thought of Ben maybe texting back?

It takes every effort to walk away from the phone and leave the room. He heads towards the bathroom and is just about to close the door when he hears the shrill sound of his ringtone fill the house.

No. Ben wouldn’t call him. Would he?

He’s racing back down the hallway and hurtling into the bedroom and is thrown to a halt when he sees the name of the caller. It _is_ Ben!

Fuck.

_Fuck!_

What is he supposed to do? He needs to answer it doesn’t he? It’s been ringing too long.

He picks up the phone and holds it to his ear as he answers the call.

“H-hi!”

“Hi,” Ben says down the line, his voice deep and soft and just the way Callum remembers it.

“Hi,” he says again.

Ben chuckles. “Are you okay? You sound out of breath.”

“Oh! Yeah, fine! I was just……..” He trails off. He can’t exactly tell Ben that this is the effect him calling has on him. “I wasn’t expecting you to call.”

“To be honest, it was a good excuse to get away from my family for a bit.” He pauses, then, “How are you?”

“Uh, yeah, good! How are you?”

“Yeah, alright.”

There’s silence and Callum knows it’s his turn to speak but he doesn’t know what to say. He lowers himself down onto the bed as the silence stretches out between them.

This isn’t something they’re good at – talking. It was the same on their last day before the holidays and it’s the same now. It reminds Callum of the reality of their situation. They’re good at the physical stuff but not at things like this.

He tells himself that’s probably a good thing.

“So, uh, Dad asked his girlfriend to marry him today,” Ben tells him and Callum suspects that he’s just searching for something to say.

"Oh! Uh, congrats? Is that good?"

Ben laughs. “Well, she said yeah if that’s what you mean. He and Sharon have been married before, got divorced, now he wants to marry her again. It was bound to happen at some point.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good.” He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to that. He can hardly say he’s happy for them. It’s Phil Mitchell and whoever this Sharon is, she obviously knows what she’s marrying into if they’ve been married before but he can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for her nonetheless.

“You don’t have to know what to say about it. Just thought I’d tell you. What about you? How’s your day been?”

He shrugs and then remembers that Ben can’t see him. “Normal mostly. Dad’s out drinking somewhere, Stuart was here but he’s gone off somewhere now as well. I went to see Mick and Linda – that was nice.”

“Ah! So you listened to me, did you?”

Callum scrunches his face. “Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly – "

“You listened to me!” Ben responds with glee, clearly getting a lot of satisfaction from the knowledge that his words have struck a chord.

“Shut up!” he grins, leaning back on the bed. He can hear Ben’s laughter down the line and it fills him with something warm.

He settles into the pillows beneath him and smiles. They might not be good at talking but he thinks the more they do, the more they could learn to be. Just maybe.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


After their conversation on Christmas Day, Callum doesn’t expect to hear from Ben again. But the following evening as he’s settling down into bed his phone pings, lighting up with a new message from Ben. Callum reaches for it and opens the text, immediately feeling himself flush as he reads it.

_22:38  
Just got myself off thinking about you ;)_

Callum’s heartrate quickens as he reads the words several times over. There’s no doubt over what Ben means and even if there was, the winking emoji says it all. He stares down at the words as if looking away will cause them to disappear. No one has ever sent him such a text before. No one has ever _said_ such a thing to him before.

Ben has been thinking about him and –

He swallows, reading over the words once more just as three dots appear. Ben is writing something else.

_22:39  
Wish I could see your face right now_

Shit. He knows Callum has read the message. Of course he does! Callum feels suddenly under pressure to respond but he doesn’t know what to say. Another message from Ben comes through.

_22:39  
Bet it’s adorable_

He feels his face tingle with heat, glad that at least Ben can’t see it. He starts typing just to stop Ben sending him anything else.

_22:39  
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to something like that._

He sends off the message and waits on Ben’s reply which comes almost instantly.

_22:40  
Maybe you can join in next time. I’d love to hear your voice_

Callum inhales sharply. Is Ben suggesting what he thinks he’s suggesting? He’s never done that before – not over the phone. He feels his cock twitch in interest at the idea and he shifts a little in an attempt to ignore it.

The dots appear again and Callum waits, finding himself hooked with anticipation.

_22:41_  
_Tell me what you’re thinking_

What he’s thinking? God, he _can’t_ think right now. Stuart’s only in the next room and he can’t afford to let his mind drift in the direction Ben is leading him.

Instead of replying to Ben’s message, he presses the call button and lifts the phone to his ear. It rings once before Ben is answering.

“Well, this is a surprise!”

“You’re turning me on and I don’t like it,” Callum says, voice low, because if there’s anything he’s thinking right now then it’s that. Although in truth, he sort of does like it. He just wishes he were anywhere other than at home right now.

Ben laughs at that. “I’d be more than happy for a repeat,” he teases and Callum swears he can hear the shuffle of blankets in the background.

Fuck. He will not think of Ben in bed.

“Look, even if I wanted to, I can’t risk it. Stuart’s in the next room and Dad’s around somewhere.”

“So?” Ben asks, not understanding.

He listens out for any sign that Stuart is awake and when all he hears is silence he murmurs, “They don’t know I’m gay.”

“Shit!” Ben breathes down the line. “I didn’t……I just thought ‘cause you’re out at uni…..”

“I’m out to everyone else,” he explains. “Mostly. Just not them.”

Ben’s quiet and then says, “My dad weren’t exactly doing star jumps when I told him, and he’s still not a fan of the idea now but he puts up with it. I know you said your family aren’t great but telling them wouldn’t be that bad would it?”

“Think my dad would try to beat it out of me if he ever found out,” he admits. It’s not the only reason he hasn’t told his dad or Stuart about being gay but it’s a big one.

Ben is quiet again but Callum can hear him breathing so knows he’s still on the line. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He still doesn’t know why he’s felt like he could be so open with Ben recently.

“Callum……” Ben starts and then pauses. “Callum, I……I know you said your dad had a temper but I didn’t…..I didn’t realise it was as bad as that.” He sounds far away and Callum wants to pull him back but doesn’t know how.

“It’s fine. It’s just who he is,” he says. It comes out like he’s trying to be reassuring.

“Has he…..? Has he ever…..?”

Ben doesn’t continue whatever he was going to ask, letting the words hang in the air around them. He doesn’t know exactly what Ben is asking but then he doesn’t suppose it matters. Any question he could ask would have the same answer.

Callum sighs and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to think about this.

Growing up, Stuart had acted as a shield whenever their dad had been paralytic and angry over whatever it was on any given day. He’d be the one who would be on the receiving end of a fist or a hand or a boot. He’d be the one to get bottles and plates thrown in his direction. Callum would cower upstairs in the corner of his room, hidden in the darkness with the duvet pulled over his head. Just a heap on the floor.  
  
But Stuart hadn’t always been there and his dad had needed someone to take his moods out on. Callum was the only one around. When he’d been really little, he’d been small enough to dodge his dad’s flailing arms. He’d been able to crawl into the small space under the bed and wait it out until his dad had passed out. But as he’d grown older, there were less spaces for him to hide in and more of him for his dad to grab onto.

Stuart doesn’t know about those things. He wasn’t around for them and Callum has never told him. It’s better that he believes that he was able to save Callum from the bulk of his dad’s attacks.

“I don’t like the thought of you being in that house, Callum,” Ben says when he doesn’t get a response. There’s a tremor as he says it. He sounds worried.

“It’s fine. Things are different now. Big enough to look after myself, aren’t I?” he smiles, hoping Ben can hear it and not fret so much. He isn't used to having anyone worry about him and it definitely isn't in Ben’s nature to do so.

“Okay,” Ben sighs. “Well, I guess, if you’re not going to be joining in with me any time soon then I’ll just have to get used to it being me and my right hand on our own for a while.”

Callum frowns before realising that Ben has returned back to what had led them onto talking about his dad in the first place. It’s a relief and he smiles properly until Ben’s words register with him.

“Wait, what do you mean? Why are you going to be on your own?”

“Uh, ‘cause you’re not going to wank yourself off with me,” Ben says as if it’s obvious.

“But, what about other blokes? You can meet other people, Ben. It’s not like we’re in a relationship or anything.” He doesn’t like the thought of Ben hooking up with different guys but he can’t stop him for the very reason he just said – they’re not in a relationship.

“Well, thanks for granting me your permission, Callum, but I think I’ll get by alright with a bit of self-service for now.”

“I’m just saying – "

“Oh, Callum, shut up, will you?” Ben sighs, indicating he no longer wishes to discuss it.

So that’s the end of that. Ben’s decided he’s not having hook up’s. It’s so unlike him. It doesn’t make sense.

They’re only casual. No emotions. No attachments. That’s all they are.

Aren’t they?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum doesn’t hear from Ben for a while after that and he doesn’t get in touch with him either. The thought of Ben actively choosing not to go out and hook up with anyone else he might meet is something Callum can’t quite get his head around and he doesn’t know what it means.

Instead, he focuses on getting through the days with more shifts at the restaurant, he declines Chris’ offer to meet up as politely as he can, he hangs around Mick and Linda’s pub some more, and in the days before New Year’s Eve he goes out for a coffee with Whitney. It’s nice to see her outside of university and if he hadn’t already been missing the place, he certainly would have been after that. He knew he was going to miss the flat and everyone in it but he hadn’t realised quite how much.

Callum’s at home on New Year’s Eve. He’d promised Stuart that they’d see in the New Year together so they sit in front of the television and watch as the gongs of Big Ben ring out across London.

Thousands of people line the streets, the cameras panning over their faces as they count down to the end of one year and the start of another. Beside him, Stuart joins in with the countdown, leg jittering with excitement. And when the fireworks start, Stuart is pulling him in, shouting “Happy New Year!” into his ear and Callum holds onto him and smiles as he repeats the words back to him.

The call comes through twenty minutes later. Stuart has just got up from the sofa in search of more alcohol when the familiar ringtone of Callum’s phone fills the room and when Callum sees Ben’s name on the screen his eyes widen and he turns the phone over quickly even though Stuart is already halfway across the room.

“Who’s that calling you?” Stuart asks, opening the fridge and looking inside.

“Uh…..just a mate from uni. I’ll just…..”

He stands, picking up the phone and making a beeline for his bedroom. The ringing continues and doesn’t stop until Callum has the door closed, away from any listening ears.

“Hi!” he answers brightly.

“Happy New Year!” Ben shouts causing Callum to wince. There’s loud music in the background, the sound of people’s chatter, and a rustling sound that indicates movement on the other end of the line.

“Happy New Year to you too! Are you having a good night?”

“Fucking amazing!” Ben hollers followed by some more rustling. “I love it! I love tonight!”

Callum laughs at his enthusiasm. “Are you drunk?”

“Maybe,” is Ben’s drawn out response and he sounds happy and delirious and obviously many, many drinks in. “I wish you were here.”

He feels his heart flip at that and it’s ridiculous because Ben’s drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. But in his very sober state, Callum wishes he was there, wherever _there_ is. He shouldn’t want to be, but he does.

“Hey, Callum,” Ben shouts, gaining his attention again. “Callum, guess what?”

“What?”

“Next year, Callum. Next year, yeah?”

He laughs, not having the foggiest idea what Ben’s going on about. He doubts Ben even knows at this point. “Next year what? You’re not making any sense.”

“Next year we have to spend New Years together. You and me. Deal?”

 _Oh_. His heart plummets at what Ben is suggesting. He can still hear the background noise through the phone, the loud music, Ben’s breathing, but he feels so very disconnected suddenly and he has to make a conscious effort just to keep it from slipping out of his grasp.

Ben wants them to spend next New Years Eve together.

Ben is speaking about them like they are a sure thing. Like whatever this is between them will still exist a year from now.

Ben is thinking that far ahead.

Callum curses quietly under his breath and rubs at his face. He needs to get a grip. Ben is drunk. He’ll have forgotten about this in the morning. Fuck, he’ll probably forget about it in the next ten minutes if he keeps on drinking.

“You’ve got to make the deal, Callum!” Ben whines when he doesn’t get a response.

“Uh…….Yeah, yeah okay,” he agrees just to appease him, knowing full well it won’t make a difference whether he does or not. “Okay, you’ve got yourself a deal. You and me. Next New Year’s Eve.”

Ben whoops in excitement at the response and Callum can’t help but think about it. New Years Eve with Ben. It seems like an impossibility and it’s a whole year away after all so maybe agreeing to it is pointless. But he can’t ignore the feeling that just by doing so, he’s agreeing to something so much more.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the start of a new semester which means Ben and Callum are back at university....
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented, left kudos and/or read the last chapter!
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twelve  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum is the first one to arrive back at the university flat in the days before the start of the second semester. It’s not exactly a surprise to find no one else there given it’s still so early on in the day, but he hadn’t been able to wait, setting off out of the house as soon as he’d thrown some things into a bag.

He moves around the flat, settling himself back in and taking it all in again. He’s missed being here.

Whitney returns several hours later, lugging with her a bigger suitcase than the one she took home just a few weeks earlier.

“What’s all that?” he questions when he sees her.

“Essentials.”

He watches as she unlocks her bedroom door and then helps her to push the suitcase into the room, stopping to look around at the state she had obviously left it in. There’s already so much stuff in here that he can’t imagine where she’s going to find space for whatever she’s brought back with her.

“Where d’you want this?”

She looks down at the suitcase and shrugs. “Just leave it there. I’ll sort it out later.”  
  
And then she’s pushing past him, saying something about making a coffee and asking if he wants one. He takes one more look at the bedroom, perplexed at how anyone can live like this, before following her through to the kitchen.

Jay is next to arrive and he immediately starts setting up the television in preparation for a gaming marathon with Ben that night.

“It’s no fun being on your tod over Christmas,” he complains.

“You were on your own?” Callum asks, because this is news to him.

Jay backtracks, shaking his head as he connects a wire into the PlayStation. “Oh, no, I was with family. I just mean I didn’t have my gaming buddy, did I? It’s not the same talking to someone through headphones.”

Callum nods in understanding. Talking to Ben over the phone was nice but it wasn’t the same as actually having him there in person.

His conversation with Ben on New Years Eve still hasn’t left his thoughts. He hasn’t heard from him since so there's no way of knowing if Ben remembers what he'd said that night. But it’s left Callum wondering where they stand now. There’s been a shift over the Christmas period and not in the direction he’d hoped for. He thought the weeks away would have been a relief, a way to get Ben out of his system. If anything, it’s just made him want Ben more.

Ruby arrives in a flurry, her heels click-clacking across the kitchen floor. She kisses him on his cheek and wishes him a Happy New Year before moving to Whitney and Jay and wishing them the same. She talks non-stop from the moment she enters the kitchen to the moment she leaves, barely letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, and when the door closes behind her, Whitney says, “Probably won’t see her now ‘til the end of the year.” Ruby's disappearances seem to be a running joke between them all now.

The hours trickle on and he stays sitting in the kitchen with Whitney and Jay catching up on what they’ve been doing over Christmas. He listens as Whitney tells Jay all about her younger siblings and her step-mum Bianca’s attempts at making a Christmas dinner. He asks questions in all the right places even though he’s already heard the story when they had met up in the days before New Year.

The subject turns to him then, Jay asking how his Christmas was.

“Oh, you know. It was good,” Callum says because it’s the standard answer he gives whenever anyone asks something he’d rather not go into detail about.

“You and your family, was it?”

He’s saved from answering that question when the door to the entrance of the flat is heard opening followed by the sound of “Honey, I’m home!” booming down the hallway.

Ben.

Callum turns his head to the kitchen door just as it opens and Ben steps in, leaning up against it with a smile on his face and crossing his arms across his chest. He’s dressed in a white t-shirt, black leather jacket, and black jeans and boots and it’s almost reminiscent of his arrival on their first day here back in September. Only this time, Callum isn’t engulfed by fear and surprise. This time, he’s overtaken by lust and desperation and he has to claw at the sofa just to stop himself from getting up and making a dive for him right here and now.

Ben’s eyes roam the room, skimming over each of them individually.

“Well, aren’t you lot a sight for sore eyes,” he grins, gaze returning to Callum momentarily, too short for it to be noticeable to anyone other than him.

Jay gets up from the sofa, moving over to Ben and pulling him into a hug.

“Mate!” he says, happily slapping Ben on the back. Ben returns the hug, eyes meeting Callum’s again as he does.

“Missed me?” Ben asks, his eyes still on Callum’s own. He’s asking Jay but Callum can’t help but feel like it’s directed at him.

And he has, hasn’t he? He has missed Ben. He never thought he’d be the one to feel like this over someone like Ben Mitchell, but god, now that he’s back and right there and he’s still not able to just _touch_ him, the full force of it hits him. He’s missed him a lot.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum spends the next hour trying to stop himself from looking Ben’s way every ten seconds. He can feel his presence and it sets his nerves on end because all he wants to do is drag him out of the room and be alone with him. He feels Ben’s gaze on him too which doesn’t exactly help. Every time their eyes meet, Callum feels his heartrate quicken and he has to force himself to look away. But even as he does, he can still feel some kind of invisible pull that is tempting him towards Ben and he has to ignore it, continue on with the uncomfortable stretch of it between them.

Lola is the final person to arrive back at the flat. She bounces in with wide eyes and a big smile and Jay is on his feet before she even has chance to take her coat off.

“Alright?” he grins, reaching out to her and pulling her into a kiss.

Callum sees Whitney smiling at them out of the corner of his eye and he can understand why. Jay and Lola make a good couple and it wouldn’t surprise him if they’re already very much in love.

“Missed you,” Jay mumbles against her lips.

“Missed you too.”

He glances across the room to Ben but Ben is watching Jay and Lola with a smirk on his face.

“Still going strong then?” Ben asks when Jay steps away from Lola to let her get settled.

“Course,” Jay responds. “What do you take me for? And anyway, distance makes the heart grow fonder, isn’t that what they say?”

Lola beams. “Aww, that’s sweet.”

“Well, I’m happy for you,” Ben tells them, moving aside on the sofa to make room for Lola to sit down.

Jay looks at him suspiciously. “What, no wise cracks?”

“Nah, first day back. Don’t want to overload you too soon,” he grins.

Callum smiles. Yes, he’s missed Ben, but he’s missed this too – the five of them together. He’s home.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s late. The clock on the wall tells him it’s ten minutes past midnight but Callum’s sure it’s lying because it doesn’t feel like only a few minutes ago since he last looked across at it.

Lola has just gone to bed, Whitney following her out of the door not long afterwards. It’s just the three of them now; he, Jay and Ben. Jay and Ben have been playing on the games console for the last couple of hours and Callum thinks he should probably start heading to bed too but he doesn’t want to risk falling asleep just yet, not if it means missing out on time alone with Ben.

Across from him, Ben yawns and stretches, moving forward to put down the games controller onto the floor. “Think I might go to bed as well.”

“But I haven’t thrashed you at _Fifa_ yet!” Jay protests, picking up the controller and trying to pass it back to Ben.

“You know I’m not into the footie, mate.”

“Have you heard this one?” Jay says with disbelief, looking across at Callum before directing his attention at Ben again. “When has that ever stopped you before? Come on, one game. I’ve been practising.”

Ben’s eyes settle on Callum and his eyebrows twitch. He sighs. “Okay, one game.”

Callum watches as Ben relents, taking hold of the controller in his hands again as Jay excitedly starts talking about something football related.

One game is never just one game. Ben’s going to be stuck here for a while.

“Right, well, I’m going to bed,” Callum says, accepting defeat.

“Oh, okay. Night, mate,” Jay responds.

He walks towards the door just as Ben says, “Yeah, night, Callum,” and turns back to find Ben’s focus on him once more. Nodding a little his way in silent acknowledgement, he leaves the kitchen and returns to his bedroom.  
  
It’s been four weeks since he and Ben were properly together. Another night won’t make a difference.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He can’t sleep. The room is dark, he has the duvet pulled up over his head, but no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t get himself to fall asleep. There’s too much energy thrumming through his body and no outlet. Well, there is, but he doesn’t really want to get himself off to thoughts of Ben when the man himself is only just down the hallway but so very out of reach.

When he hears the kitchen door open and the sound of Jay and Ben finally going to bed, his heart leaps and he sits up, listening carefully as doors open and close and the flat eventually falls into silence again.

Another night won’t make a difference but what if…..?

Should he go to Ben? Or should he wait for Ben to come to him? He considers texting him and arranging for them to meet but, would that be too needy? It would, wouldn’t it? No, he can’t text him. He just needs to wait.

But what if Ben doesn’t want to see him? What if he’s over it, whatever they were. Sure, they’d flirted a bit when they’d spoken over Christmas and it certainly seemed like Ben was still interested but that was then and this is now and Ben might be bored of him now. Or he might have decided that Callum was his regular on the side last semester and now he needs someone new. After all, Callum’s no longer a challenge anymore, is he?

_Stop it. You’re being stupid._

He gets out of bed and starts to pace the room. Is he really being stupid?

_Yes._

He groans, ignoring all the voices in his head. He wishes he wasn’t so bothered about what Ben thought but he is. Things feel different now than they did before Christmas. The time away has changed them, or it’s changed _him_ anyway and now he craves for Ben in a way he didn’t before.

Looking over to the door, he thinks about going to Ben. He could be there right now. And if Ben wants to turn him away then at least he’ll know where he stands, won’t he?

Setting his shoulders back decisively as if that will help him feel more confident, he strides towards the door and opens it, stopping short when he hears someone elses door open. He steps out into the hallway at the same time as Ben does who seems momentarily surprised to see him.

They stand at opposite ends of the hallway and Callum can feel his heart beating rapidly as he waits to see who is going to make a move first.

And then Ben is breaking into a fast stride, eyes fixed on Callum as he comes nearer, nearer, nearer and then they collide and Callum finds himself being pushed backwards into his room.

He wastes no time, pushing Ben back against the door before it even has chance to swing closed behind them and then he’s kissing him, hot and desperate, their teeth clashing when Ben brings a hand to the back of his neck to pull him closer. He swipes at Ben’s lips with his tongue who opens for him immediately and then he’s tasting and touching and taking whatever he can get.

His fingers are burning to touch, his hands skimming across Ben’s body because staying in one place isn’t enough. He grabs at Ben’s t-shirt and feels Ben reaching for his as well and for a moment they’re just a tangle of limbs, both trying to undress the other and it’s messy and awkward but he doesn’t care because Ben’s kissing him again, pulling their now bare chests together and Callum feels the electricity explode through him, sending sparks through his body as skin meets skin.

But it’s still not enough and he pulls away from Ben’s lips to mouth at his neck, pressing open mouthed kisses into the tender skin there before moving down to his chest and across to Ben’s nipple, taking it in his mouth and sucking. There’s a groan from above him and then he feels fingers in his hair, tightly wrapping around the strands and coaxing him on. He moves further down, Ben releasing his grip on his hair to let him, and then he’s on his knees, kissing and licking at hot skin as he goes and Ben’s legs shake in front of him and he can feel how hard he already is and god, this is going to be quick.  
  
He pulls at Ben’s shorts dragging them down to expose Ben’s cock and then he’s nosing into him, breathing him in, before getting his mouth around him. Ben’s knees buckle and Callum reaches for his thighs to steady him. Ben is heavy on his tongue, heavy and hard and hot. He’s missed the dizzying feeling of this and he looks up to see Ben biting into his arm to stop himself from screaming out and fuck, if that isn’t the sexiest thing he’s ever seen.

He focuses back on his own movements, sealing his lips around Ben and moving backwards a little before taking him in again.

Suddenly Ben is pushing him back, hands pulling at him to get him to stand as he breathes hard. “Not gonna last. Need you inside me.”

He pushes at Callum’s chest to get him to move and when they make it to the bed, Callum straddling Ben, he reaches for the bottle of lube that Ben had gifted him after their third time (“It pays to be prepared, Callum”) pouring some on his fingers, but Ben’s shaking his head, reaching out to bring him closer.

“I’m ready. I couldn’t wait.”

Callum’s eyes widen as he discovers Ben already open and ready for him and then he’s kissing and kissing and reaching out for the box of condoms that he now keeps under the bed. His hands tremble and everything is happening so quickly and then he’s pushing inside Ben and Ben is biting at his neck and Callum rocks his hips causing Ben’s eyes to roll to the back of his head and it’s almost no time at all before he’s collapsing down, sticky with sweat and cum, both of them breathing hard from exertion.

Sitting up a little, he manages to fling the condom in the general direction of the bin before he’s collapsing again, breathless and sated. He’s got his head on Ben’s chest so he really needs to move but he can’t find the muscle strength to do so. He feels weighted, the need to sink down and close his eyes overcoming him. But then he feels Ben’s hand on his back, fingers tracing light patterns as he too tries to get his breath back and this is something _new_. Callum didn’t have Ben down for someone who could do aftercare, he didn’t have him down as someone who could be affectionate like this, and it’s not them, it’s not who they are, but he’s too exhausted to question it and obviously Ben isn’t bothered either.

The feeling on Ben’s fingertips grazing at his skin is relaxing and Callum’s eyes flutter closed and he finds himself drifting. The weight of his body starts to lift until he feels light again, being carried away by Ben’s gentle touch to somewhere warm and comforting.

“I missed this.”

He opens his eyes at the sound of Ben’s voice, not sure whether it’s been mere minutes or hours that they’ve been lying here.

“This?”

“Yeah, sex on tap.” Callum can’t help but smile at the response, swatting at Ben’s side which causes him to laugh. “No, but seriously, it’s good to be back.”

“Yeah,” he agrees.

Words go unspoken between them but Callum thinks it might mean that Ben is just as happy to see him as he is to see Ben. He still isn’t sure what this is between them, there’s a good chance he lost sight of what it was supposed to be weeks ago. He knows that he’s missed Ben a lot though. He knows that he hopes Ben has missed him too.

They fall quiet again and Callum concentrates on Ben’s light caresses as he continues to trace over his back. There’s no pattern to it, his hands going wherever they can reach, but Callum finds it relaxing, soothing almost.

“I don’t ever really do stuff like this,” Ben says and it sounds far away, almost like he’s talking to himself.

“What?”

“The after bit. This.” He nudges with the side of his leg reminding Callum of the way they’re cuddled up together.

“I can move,” he offers, although he really doesn’t think he can. He feels boneless, and there’s something about having his head on Ben’s chest, feeling the soft thud of his heartbeat, that makes him feel safe.

Ben presses his fingers into Callum’s back, keeping him there. “No, don’t.”

Good. He doesn’t want to move. It’s crazy to feel safe around someone like Ben but he does. Now that they’re here, together in this strange world they’ve created for themselves, he feels nothing but safe. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels like this, sure that he didn’t just a few weeks ago.

Jay’s words echo in his head.

_Distance makes the heart grow fonder._

It’s not like that though. Not for he and Ben. They’ve agreed to no feelings. There’s reasons for that. Maybe once he settles into the new semester and the work starts piling in again he’ll no longer feel this need to be around Ben all the time. Maybe being deprived of this for weeks made him want it more and now that he’s had it things will go back to the way they were.

“I didn’t ever have sex like this before you either,” Ben murmurs, the words so quiet that Callum isn’t sure he’s heard right.

“What do you mean?”

He feels Ben shrug beneath him. “I don’t know. Doesn’t matter.”

Callum wants to ask more, try to understand what it is Ben is saying, but it’s not his place to pry. If Ben wants to tell him he will.

They lay quietly for a while and Callum starts to think that maybe he should get up and find a washcloth for them both but he’s stopped when Ben speaks again.

“I never liked anyone else to have control. Always wanted to be the one who……”

He stays quiet, waiting for Ben to finish. Maybe this is what Ben needs – to open up in his own time and without pressure.

“Remember that second time?” Ben asks. “The night we all went out and Jay got really drunk and I ended up in here afterwards?” He doesn’t need to describe it; Callum remembers every detail of that night. “We were right here and you asked me what I wanted. I……I don’t always bottom but whenever I do I’m fussy with, like, positions and stuff. I have to be the one in control, you know? And I don’t know, having you over me like that, it was different.”

Callum thinks back to that night. He remembers the way he had pressed Ben into the bed as he’d fucked him. It was exactly the same tonight.

He’s done something wrong. He’s messed up. Guilt washes over him as he thinks of all the things he could have done differently.

“You should’ve said,” he says, pushing up to look at Ben. “I’m sorry, I – "

“No! No, Callum! Shit, I – I _wanted_ that. I wanted……Shit, I didn’t mean……It was good, alright? It was more than good. I just mean that handing over control isn’t something I ever do. Not until you.”

He doesn’t know what to say. He _hasn’t_ done anything wrong. Ben thought it was good. Ben had wanted it.

Ben leans up to kiss him. It’s soft and chaste and so different to any other kiss they’ve had before and when he pulls away he whispers, “Not until you.”

Callum lets the words sink in. Ben’s eyes are guarded and he’s chewing at his bottom lip between his teeth. It’s obviously a big thing for him to speak up about and an even bigger thing that he’s willingly chosen to hand over some of the control that he’s so used to keeping for himself.

Something warm settles in Callum’s chest at the thought. Ben is letting him in a little bit here. He’s choosing to let Callum see beyond that surface layer that he shows to everyone else. Callum has caught glimpses of what lies underneath on a few occasions now but it’s different to have Ben actually open up and share these things with him.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” Ben chuckles.

“No, it’s……” Callum pauses, tentative in his approach. He doesn’t want Ben to retreat now that he’s started opening up, nor does he want Ben to regret having done so in the first place. But there’s something that he’s been thinking about for a while and he’s been wanting Ben to tell him of his own accord but he hasn’t as of yet and Callum can’t stop wondering. “Can I ask about this?”

He shifts a little so that he can run his thumb along the underside of Ben’s earlobe.

Ben smiles, rolling the two of them onto their sides so that they’re facing each other. Their eyes stay connected which Callum can only take as a reassuring sign.

“How long’ve you been waiting to ask me that?” Ben asks, tone light and bordering on teasing.

“A while,” he admits. “Didn’t know if I should. You can tell me to mind my own business if you want.” Ben’s smile widens and his eyes glisten. “What?”

“Nothing. Nothing, you just…….Nothing.” Ben settles on that and Callum doesn’t know what he’s thinking or what he was going to say but he’s smiling so it can’t be anything bad. “I’m partially deaf in my left ear. Had meningitis as a kid and this was the result.”

“That must have been a bit of an adjustment for you.”

“Well, I mean, I was a baby so it’s not like I’ve grown up with full hearing only to lose it. Don’t think I could handle that. But it wasn’t easy growing up in my family with this thing.”

Ben pulls his arm out from underneath Callum to turn onto his back. Callum feels the loss of the embrace immediately but stays where he is, watching as Ben looks up at the ceiling in thought.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m some kind of outcast, you know? Like I’m not really part of them. ‘Cause my Dad, he wanted a kid who could follow in his footsteps, and a deaf son isn’t exactly what he expected.”

Callum frowns. “But it shouldn’t be an issue. You’re his son. And even if it is, you said you’re only partially deaf, right? So what does it matter?”

“It matters,” Ben tells him, tone hard and cold now. “And then you add onto that me being gay and, well, I was never gonna measure up, was I?” He sighs. “He looks at me sometimes like I’m just some flimsy fairy - not up to the job. And I’ve been given chances to prove myself and messed them up every time. He doesn’t trust me with the big stuff anymore. I’m basically just a messenger to him now.”

Callum wonders what ‘the big stuff’ is. What kind of crime constitutes as big for the Mitchell’s? He’s heard the stories – murder, manslaughter, GBH. The list is endless. He doesn’t like to think of Ben being involved in any of those things. It’s no secret that Ben frequently left the flat to meet with family before the Christmas holidays. No one had ever asked what he’d been doing when he eventually returned, but the looks Callum had seen in Lola, Jay and Whitney’s eyes told him they were thinking about it just as much as he was.

He hopes that what Ben is saying is true; that he’s not going out there and getting involved in things that could land him in prison. The Ben he had started seeing in the weeks leading up to Christmas and the Ben that is lying here in front of him now – that Ben is better than that. Isn’t he?

“It’s a good thing,” he says, though he doesn’t expect Ben to believe it. “You might not think it is but you’re better than them, Ben.”

It’s the first time he’s voiced something like that out loud. Ben turns his head to meet his eyes before looking away again.

“I’m not. But I want to be. I’ll never be able to get out though. It doesn’t matter that I’m not good enough, I know too much to ever be allowed to break free from them. From him.”

Callum feels his heart breaking, not just at Ben’s words but the way he says them. It’s like he’s accepted that this is the inevitability of his life and there’s nothing he can do to change it. And looking at him, all Callum can see is a boy who doesn’t want to be living the life that he’s living.

He realises then that all of the judgements he’s made about Ben from the beginning really have been wrong. There’s no doubt in his mind anymore. Ben isn’t someone who sets out to hurt people or make their lives a misery. He is someone who’s fighting to gain whatever control he can get in a life where such a thing is limited to him.

Ben’s earlier words about wanting to be the one in control during sex strike a chord with him then. Before Christmas, Ben used to sleep around frequently (and maybe he is still going to do that now despite his words to Callum that had suggested otherwise). He would hook up with someone new from one night to the next. Callum has lost count of the amount of times he has seen Ben flirting with a complete stranger over the last few months. Ben would get someone into bed and kick them out again the next morning like it meant nothing. Because it did mean nothing.

Callum could never understand that. He could never understand how anyone could have sex so casually with another person. Since he and Ben set up their agreement of “no strings, no emotions”, he has started to see what the appeal is but even now, two months after that agreement was made, he doesn’t think he could do something like this with anyone other than Ben.

Only now he’s beginning to realise that perhaps the appeal for Ben is less about the sex itself and more about it being the one thing that provides him with that sense of control. He can control who he sees, what he does, when to walk away. There’s no expectation, no reason to fail. He can even control when to hand it over to someone else like he says he did with Callum on that second night they slept together. It’s a tried and tested method that is working for him.

Callum thinks back to those first couple of months after he met Ben. Ben toyed with him, teased him, taunted him, as if Callum was just a puppet on his strings – something entertaining to poke fun at. It had made Callum uncomfortable and he never felt at ease when Ben was around. Had that been his way of trying to gain control? Of trying to assert his power in the flat? Had Callum’s pre-conceived notions of him made him feel like he had to fight to come out on top?

They’re all questions Callum doesn’t know the answers to and he doubts Ben does either. He reckons a few of their lecturers would have a field day trying to figure out the inner workings of Ben’s mind. If everything he does is his way of gaining a modicum of control then it doesn’t excuse everything, it doesn’t make it right, but Callum thinks he can at least understand it in some way.

He puts an arm out, placing it across Ben before he has chance to think better of it. He leaves it there, making an effort not to hold him in case it’s not what Ben wants. After a moment, Ben brings a hand up, wrapping it loosely around Callum’s wrist to keep him there.

 _I think I get it now_ , he thinks as he closes his eyes. _I think I’m starting to get you._


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, left kudos of commented on the last chapter. The Christmas break seems to have done a lot of good for Ben and Callum but nothing in life is simple and sometimes the only way to progress is to take one step forward and two steps back again....
> 
> And if you ever stayed in university halls of residence and didn't have the joys of playing Hide and Seek during a power cut then let me tell you, that's an experience you missed out on!
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Thirteen  
  
  
  
  
**

Ben goes back to his own room in the middle of the night. Of all the things that seem to be different about the arrangement that they have, that is one of the few things that isn’t - leaving in the night. When Callum wakes up to find himself alone, he isn’t all that surprised. If anything, he’s reassured by it; that despite Ben’s openness last night and Callum’s new understanding of him, this thing between them remains casual. And for as long as they can keep things casual, everything will be alright.

Ben likes to be the one in control, but Callum needs a certain level of control for himself too. He can’t allow Ben into his heart. He can’t let his emotions take over. Just because he's missed Ben and could barely keep a lid on his urges last night, and just because he was touched by Ben opening up to him doesn’t mean he can allow them to grow closer. He still needs to keep himself distanced.

Last night, Ben had said he was trying to be better than his family and, in another life, perhaps Callum could have shown him the way. But just as Ben had said, there’s no way out for him. He is stuck inside a darkness that Callum can’t go near. It would be too dangerous.

He’s still mulling it over at lunch time as he prepares a sandwich for himself. Jay is telling him something about Lola but he’s barely paying attention, his mind firmly on Ben. And as if his mind has somehow conjured him up, Ben walks into the room just minutes later, bleary-eyed and half-dressed. He stifles a yawn and absentmindedly scratches at his stomach and Callum follows the movement, his gaze lingering for a few seconds longer than it should.

There’s a gasp and Callum looks up at Jay thinking he’s been caught staring but instead Jay is looking at Ben. “Mate, what’ve you been up to? You’re covered in love bites!”

Callum glances back at Ben and shit, Jay’s right. There’s one on his chest and two on his neck and Callum has to turn his back on both of them just so that Jay doesn’t see the way his face is burning.  
  
“It’s been a good Christmas,” Ben says without hesitation as he moves around in the background.

“They weren’t there yesterday. I know I’m a bit unobservant sometimes but I reckon I would’ve noticed them! When did you find time to go out? We were up past midnight!”

Callum thinks he can hear Ben mutter something along the lines of “Don’t I know it” under his breath and he has to suppress a laugh. Both of them had been waiting for Jay to go to bed just so they could do the same with each other.

“Well?” Jay prompts.

“Fine, you caught me out. Well done, Sherlock.”

“So go on then – tell all.”

He turns back around to look at Ben as he waits to hear what he’s going to say in the face of Jay’s persistence.

“Much as I appreciate your interest in my sex life, it’s starting to get a bit creepy. If you’re wanting tips for you and Lola you’ve come to the wrong person.”

Jay looks a mix of perplexed and confused, his expression altering between the two before it eventually settles on confusion. “You never used to shut up about your hook up’s.”

“Yeah well, I’m tired,” Ben responds, pulling on the door to open it, “and I’m sure Callum doesn’t want to hear it anyway.”

He leaves the room, Jay shouting out, “You’ve changed!” to him as he goes. “Can you believe that?” Jay asks, directing his attention at Callum now. “Changed man that is.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So, how are things with Jay?” Callum asks Lola, taking a sip of his orange juice before placing it back down on the desk.

They’re in Lola’s bedroom and he’s been sitting on her chair at the desk for the best part of an hour now, watching as she unpacks her suitcase and carefully fills the room with more items from home. It seems that is something she and Whitney have in common.

A bright smile adorns Lola’s face at Callum’s question and he thinks he can guess the answer from that alone.

“Really good,” she grins, bouncing a little on her feet as she hangs her clothes onto hangers. “We were chatting so much over Christmas and he even wanted to come and see me ‘cause he said he missed me so much. It was really sweet.”

“That’s great!” he responds, happy for her. “So did he?”

“No. Don’t get me wrong, I’d have loved it, but it would’ve meant meeting my family and it just felt too early for that.”

He nods in understanding. “I suppose you haven’t been together very long. But they know about him, right? Your family?”

“Oh, yeah, course! And they’ve seen photographs and from what I’ve told them they seem to really like him.”

She closes the cupboard door and kneels to push the now empty suitcase under the bed. If his family were to find out about Ben, it would be a very different story. Not that they’re ever going to find out. He can’t even tell them that they’re at the same university so he definitely couldn’t tell them that they’re living with each other and sleeping together.

“We should find someone for Whitney to date! What do you think?” Lola stands, crossing over to the desk to where a pile of hair products lay in disarray after being thrown there earlier. As an afterthought she adds, “Or you!”

He has to bite his tongue to stop himself from blurting out a _no_ in response. It would be such a bad idea. A few months ago, sure, but not now.

“I don’t know,” he says, trying to be diplomatic and discreet.

“But what about that Simon guy? He’s gay, isn’t he?”

Callum thinks about Simon. He never had got in touch with him. The number is still in his phone just waiting to be used. He feels bad now for not being decent enough to at least text him to explain that his circumstances had changed but that would have sounded too much like he was no longer single and he is. He’s just……..temporarily unavailable to anyone other than Ben right now.

“Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean we should hook up,” he tells Lola, picking up his glass of orange juice again and drinking from it, hoping that they can discuss dates for Whitney instead.

“Well, no, obviously you can’t get with someone just because they’re gay,” she says. “I mean, if that were the case then you and Ben would’ve done it by now and can you imagine that?”

He splutters on his drink, the juice sliding down his throat uncomfortably and he has to cough to relieve himself.

Lola looks at him and laughs. “Yeah, exactly. You and Ben would rather kill each other than end up in bed together. But you were getting on a bit better before Christmas so hopefully we won’t be at the epicentre of a murder mystery case any time soon, eh?”

He smiles, taking another sip of his drink just to avoid giving her a response.

Lola has unknowingly come close to the truth in her suggestion. Even though it was meant as a joke, just her voicing the very idea of it is a little too close for comfort. And then there was Jay earlier and how he had seen the marks on Ben’s skin, marks that Callum was careless enough to leave behind.

Jay and Lola talk. He doesn’t think there’s any damning evidence to suggest to either of them that he and Ben have been sleeping together, but it will only take the smallest of things to light the spark of suspicion in their minds.

They can’t find out. No one can find out.

He and Ben have to be more careful.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Returning to his own room later that day, he’s surprised to find Ben lounging on the bed and flipping through the pages of one of his comic books.

Ben rolls his head back to look at him and then sits up. “How long can you and Lo talk for, seriously!”

“What are you doing here?”

“Thought I’d come to see you and figured I’d just wait here. Didn’t know you and Lola could talk for England.”

“It’s not night,” he says, stating the obvious and ignoring Ben’s words about Lola.

Ben shrugs. “So? I didn’t think I was only allowed to see you at night. Because if that’s the case then I’ve got bad news – we live together.”

That’s not what Callum had meant and Ben knows it. He _must_ know it. This isn’t what they do. They only ever go into each other’s rooms at night when everyone else is asleep (apart from that one occasion when they had all been in the student union bar and the flat had been empty, Callum thinks). And they never just let themselves in either.

He doesn’t mind that Ben is in his room but it’s the middle of the afternoon. If he’s expecting a bunk up then it’s not going to happen.

“I wasn’t expecting you here,” he says, still trying to figure out why he is.

“I tried to occupy myself while I was waiting but your reading material leaves a lot to be desired. What is this crap?”

Callum steps forward and snatches the comic from him protectively.

“It’s not crap, thank you. It’s Marvel. And what would you know about reading anyway?”

Ben laughs, resting an arm under his head and stretching back along the bed. “I am a man of many talents,” he winks.

“If you say so.” He returns his comic book to it’s rightful place amongst all the others, set on not giving Ben the satisfaction of agreeing to what he’s alluding to. Ben might be talented in a number of ways, most of which he’d rather not think about in the middle of the afternoon, but he’s not about to admit to that or indulge him.

He turns back to Ben who reaches out to grab at him. “You just gonna stand there or what?”

“I’m not sleeping with you,” Callum whispers as if Lola will be able to hear through the walls. She’s likely already heard the two of them talking by now even if she can’t make out what’s being said.

It reminds him about their need to be careful.

“We need to do better at this secrecy thing. Jay came close to figuring things out earlier and I’m worried it won’t be long until Lola’s onto us as well.”

Ben tugs at his arm until Callum sits down on the edge of the bed.

“You were the one that didn’t want me to tell anyone. I just agreed to it. And if Jay’s suspicious then that’s your fault for leaving the evidence all over me. You really marked me up good and proper. Not that I’m complaining.”

Callum looks at the two bruises on Ben’s neck and remembers the urgency of that moment. He’d thrown caution to the wind, acting in the moment and not giving any thought to the aftermath.

“It won’t be happening again,” he says adamantly.

“Oh, what? Are you going to show some self-restraint when you’re kissing me in future? ‘Cause I quite like the Callum that gets unleashed when it’s just you and me with no one else around.”

Ben’s eyes are dark, Callum notices, but there’s something else too. Something soft. Something honest.

“I’ll just have to try harder, won’t I?”

“You can try anything harder. I’m into all sorts,” Ben smirks before turning serious again. “I do think we should have some kind of open door policy though. Coming and going whenever we want is like hiding in plain sight. No one’s going to pay attention to the sound of doors opening and closing. But us knocking every night – they’re gonna catch onto that pretty quick.”

Callum doesn’t see how. It’s worked for them so far and he doesn’t see a reason to change it. But he finds himself agreeing to it anyway when he looks at Ben. Ben has a way of getting him to agree to just about anything whether he’s aware of it or not.

“So, about this love in the afternoon?” Ben cheekily implies.

“No, Ben!”

The laugh that bubbles out of Ben is all it takes to make him smile widely in response.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Tell me about the comics,” Ben says as they lie next to each other that night, Callum carefully inspecting Ben’s skin to make sure he hasn’t left any more incriminating marks on him this time.

“There’s nothing to tell really.”

“Oh come on, no one has a collection that big unless there’s some kind of mild obsession there.”

It’s dark in the bedroom and Callum can’t see Ben’s pin board in the dim light but he thinks about the many theatre stubs that are pinned on there. “We all have our interests. What about you and your love of theatre? Wanna tell me about that?”

Ben chuckles. “Nice try. Don’t change the subject.”

“Why d’you want to know so much?” His love of _Marvel_ has always been private to him but it’s never been something he’s had to hide because no one has ever asked. Until now.

“I don’t know. Curious I guess?”

Callum stops his inspection of Ben’s body and settles back into the pillow they’re sharing. Ben already has some idea about his upbringing so it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch further to tell him this as well. But still, he can’t help but worry that Ben will laugh at him for it.

“I, uh…….A friend had a couple of comics at his house. He let me borrow them once and I liked them. We didn’t have books and stuff at home. I knew about superheroes and that kinda thing but only from what I’d seen on TV and the games we played at school. I didn’t know about the comics.” He pauses, looking across at Ben who has his eyes trained on the ceiling above. Callum can see he’s listening though. “After that I found a pile of them in the school library and I used to go and sit in there after everyone else had gone home until the cleaners turfed me out. It sounds stupid really, but it was a bit like an escape from the real world for me.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid,” Ben whispers and Callum is glad that he’s not being teased about it or ridiculed for it.

“When I got older and started to get a bit of pocket money from odd jobs I’d spend it on food or comic books. Both if I could. I guess the interest never stopped.”

“And so you’ve become quite the collector!”

Callum laughs. “I suppose you could say that. I’ll never have them all though, there’s too many. It’s impossible. But there’s one I’d love to get my hands on if I could.”

“And what’s that then?”

“The first comic Thor was ever in. He’s my favourite.”

Ben shifts, propping himself up on his elbow and Callum looks up at him. “You have a favourite? You are such a nerd!”

He’s usually taken offence or been embarrassed at being called that but the way Ben says it, his eyes gleaming and soft smile on his face doesn’t make it seem like such a bad thing.

Ben leans down and presses a hard kiss against Callum’s lips and then he’s flopping down onto his back again.

“So are you going to tell me about your love for theatre now?” Callum asks.

“Ah, now that is a story for another day,” Ben says with a yawn. “Don’t want to lose my bad boy image just yet.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Engaging in a game of Hide and Seek is something Callum had never expected he’d do again. He remembers being young and joining in with his classmates as they played, running off to hide in one of four of the playgrounds hiding places. He hadn’t been popular as a child, or any time since, but it was easier to fit in when such large groups of children were playing the same game. He never had to ask to join in. He just did.

But standing fully clothed in his shower with the curtain drawn and the light off just to play a game with his flatmates is something he never imagined he’d be doing.

Standing in it with _Ben_ of all people was even less expected.

It had been Jay’s idea after a power cut had seen a premature end to his mission on _Call of Duty_. The flat had fallen into darkness and after looking out of the kitchen window, Whitney had delivered the news that the rest of campus seemed to have been affected too.

“You’d think there’d be a generator or something,” Jay had complained just ten minutes later, boredom already kicking in.

“There probably is,” Callum had reasoned. “But it’s after hours. Security might have to call Maintenance in.”

“You mean this might last all night?” he’d groaned, throwing himself backwards onto the sofa and reluctantly tossing his games controller aside.

Ben had suggested they tell spooky stories which Lola had been extremely against although she had tried to hide her trepidation behind the opinion of it being an unoriginal and boring idea.

“Who’s up for a game of Hide and Seek then?” Jay had asked. “There must be loads of good places in this flat.”

Callum hadn’t seen the appeal. The layout of every room was exactly the same apart from the kitchen and even then he didn’t think he could be imaginative enough to come up with somewhere inconspicuous to hide in.

But everyone else had liked the idea and that’s how he now found himself hiding away in his own en-suite after having previously been found hiding behind the sofas in the kitchen by Jay. It was Whitney’s turn to count and no doubt she was already searching the flat by now and Callum dreads to think how she’ll react when she finds him in here with Ben.

It had happened like this:  
  
He had rushed into his bedroom in search of somewhere to hide and, after drawing the shower curtain back, he’d been surprised to discover that the shower was already occupied by none other than Ben Mitchell.

“What are you doing in here?” he’d hissed, staring across at Ben who he was sure was smirking even though it was too dark to really be able to tell.

“Could ask you the same thing. Bit obvious to hide in your own room isn’t it?”

“You have to leave.”

Ben had sounded petulant when he’d said, “But I was here first!”

“It’s my shower!”

“Didn’t say you couldn’t get in too.”

“You are kidding!” Callum had exclaimed, appalled at the suggestion.

Suddenly he’d been dragged forward, shower curtain getting drawn behind him, Ben’s fingers seizing hold of his t-shirt.

“Oops. Guess I wasn’t. Looks like we’re stuck with each other.”

Callum chews at his thumb nail now, nervously awaiting Whitney’s discovery. It feels like he’s been trapped in here with Ben for ages, the time seeming to drag out slowly. The waiting is almost as bad as the thought of what will come after.

“Where is she?” he mutters to himself, anxiously tapping a foot on the floor of the shower.

“She’ll have caught Jay and Lola in the middle of a raunchy rendezvous. Can’t keep their hands off each other those two. Bit like another two I know. Speaking of, why are you so far away?”

Callum wouldn’t call the distance between he and Ben far at all. A half-step is all it would take for them to be against each other. Callum could easily reach out and touch him from here if he wanted to. But he doesn’t. Not like this.

“Why do you think?” he snaps. “It looks weird that we’re both in here.”

Ben doesn’t appear bothered by his tone when he says, “It’s not quite how my fantasy plays out either. Never say never though.”

Callum feels his cheeks redden and he’s glad Ben can’t see. Only Ben has the power to frustrate and arouse him in equal measure. And when it comes to his fantasies, Callum is always surprised to learn that Ben has them about him.

He wants to know every single one.

“Why are you so bothered about us being found in here anyway?” Ben questions. “It’s not like we’ve been caught in bed together. We’re just two people who have chosen to hide in the same place during a game of Hide and Seek. We're keeping it PG. I haven’t even kissed you even though this is perfect for Seven Minutes in Heaven.” He pauses. “Maybe I should suggest we play that next.”

Callum very much doubts the version of the game he knows about is anything like Ben’s.

“Think I’ll sit that one out thanks. And before you say it, we’re not playing Spin the Bottle either.”

“Spoilsport,” Ben tuts. “It would be fun to have the others see me kiss you and think it was all part of the game. We should at least be having a little bit of fun with the secrecy thing, don’t you think?”

No, he doesn’t think. Even though he’s still reluctant to admit it to himself most of the time, he likes this thing he has with Ben. He likes the sex, obviously, but it’s started to become more than that now. He likes seeing the more vulnerable side to Ben, wants to learn more about his insecurities and why they are there, wants to have Ben make him laugh as he seems to be doing more and more these days.

But all of that doesn’t work in the real world – not out in the open here in university and certainly not _out there_.

The only way it can work is if they keep it a secret. If they carry on as they have been doing. But even that can’t last forever. At some point, now or in the future, they will go their separate ways and it will be like it never happened at all.

“Look, all I’m saying is – "

Ben stops short at the sound of the bedroom door opening. Callum stills, feels the way he’s holding his breath but can’t bring himself to let it out. It occurs to him then that he could have left the shower, risked finding somewhere else to hide or given up on the game altogether. But he hadn’t. He’d stayed. Why had he done that?

There’s faint rustling coming from the bedroom and then the bathroom door opens and the shower curtain is being pulled back. 

“A-ha!” Whitney shouts.

It’s all slow motion then.

Whitney’s gleeful eyes on him.

The moment she realises he’s not alone.

The moment her eyes settle on Ben.

He sees it all and is powerless to stop it.

“I believe the phrase you’re looking for is ‘Found you’”, Ben says unhelpfully.

He has to get out of here. He has to get away.

Callum steps out of the shower, pushing passed Whitney in a hurry and making a beeline for the door.

“Who else you got to find?” he’s asking, for want of something to say.

Whitney follows, reaching out to stop him but he shrugs her off.

She _can’t_ know. She _can’t_ know.

He flings open the bedroom door, glad to see Lola and Jay already out in the hallway.

“Who’s turn is next, Jay?”

Whitney’s forehead creases from beside him at his obvious attempts at ignoring what has just happened, but she says nothing, instead turning to Jay and suggesting they continue the game.

“Right, Callum. You’re up next,” Jay grins. “Count to thirty. And no peeking!”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The power eventually comes back on and all games are quickly abandoned after that. Ben tries to talk to him but he ignores it, sensing Whitney’s eyes on him. Everyone is getting too close to the truth, but he can practically see the cogs turning in Whitney’s mind as she tries to make sense of what she has seen.

“We weren’t even touching, Callum,” Ben tells him, sighing when he doesn’t get a response. “It was innocent. There was nothing to see,” he later protests, but still, Callum can’t bring himself to engage in the discussion.

What Ben is saying is true, but there’s more to it and Callum is sure Whitney will have seen that. The two of them are never seen alone together. There’s always someone else with them. Alone is what happens behind the safety of closed bedroom doors, hidden away and out of sight. And Whitney is of the belief that he still has the same outlook towards Ben as she does. To find them together out of choice in a place of confinement looks suspicious and Callum knows it.

The thing is, he was just starting to properly enjoy Ben’s company. He was enjoying the time they spent together, not just the physical side but the emotional one too. He was enjoying their laughter and their conversation and the freedom of it all.

But it was never freedom was it? Not when no one can ever know.

He is still wary of Whitney watching him late into the evening and doesn’t allow himself to relax until she goes to bed, glad to have escaped any questions.

Jay, sitting across from him on the sofas, is busy building a house on _Minecraft_ that he says is for himself and Lola. Ben is beside him, eyes focussed intently on the screen of his phone, oblivious to what is going on.

“What’s that meant to be?” Lola asks, pointing at the television screen to where Jay is dropping patches of blue onto the game’s landmass.

“Our swimming pool obviously!”

“We’re in London.”

Jay shoots her a look and says, “It’s Minecraft, babe. It’s a whole other world. We’re having a swimming pool.”

There’s a ping and Callum realises that it’s his phone that has made the sound. He pulls it from his pocket, eyes widening when he sees the name on screen. His eyes flicker over to Ben who is already staring back at him.

What is he doing?

Callum opens the message with caution.

_23:19_  
_You can’t keep avoiding me. Tell me what’s up._

Callum reads the message through several times, still feeling Ben’s gaze on him. If he doesn’t reply, Ben will keep sending more and more messages.

_23:20_  
_I don’t want to talk about this._

What is Ben thinking sending him text messages in full view of both Lola and Jay? He looks across at both of them but neither have noticed, their attention still on the television screen. But from experience, he knows how easy it can be to pick up on two people texting each other when they’re in the same room. It’s almost impossible to hide.

Seeing that Ben is replying, he quickly goes into his alert settings and switches the phone to silent just in time for the new message to come through.

_23:20_  
_Stop panicking. They won’t notice. And who cares what Whitney thinks either._

_He_ cares what Whitney thinks. He cares what Jay and Lola would think. He cares that the moment anyone finds out the truth, this thing between him and Ben will only get bigger and he can’t have that happening.

 _Please stop texting_ , he sends.

Looking up, he watches as Ben reads the text, hears the huffed response as fingers fly across the keypad, and looks down to see another message come through from him.

_23:21_  
_I’m not letting this go. My room or we talk about it here. Your choice._

He’s not serious, is he? He wouldn’t say anything. Would he?

Callum glances up again to see Ben’s hard stare on him. He looks determined but there’s something more. Anguish. Anxiety. Something pleading.

It’s what stops Callum from getting up and walking out of the room right there and then. There’s something in Ben’s expression that he can’t walk away from.

He sends a message back.

_23:22_  
_Fine. But how?_

Ben glances towards Jay and Lola who are still, thankfully, very much unaware. Then his eyes are back on his phone.

_23:22_  
_I’ll go to bed. Wait 10 mins. Say you’re going to bed then come to my room._

Callum reads the instructions just as Ben stands from his place on the sofa and stretches.

“Right you lot, I’m off to bed.”

“Are you off to bed or are you…. _off to bed_?” Jay asks, his eyebrows raising mischievously. “Honestly, Lo, you should’ve seen the state of him the other day.”

“Yeah, alright! Who I shack up with is none of your business.”

Callum hears a shake in Ben’s voice as he says it. The confidence he usually has seems to be missing.

Jay chuckles. “For a change. Night then.”

“Yeah, night,” Lola adds.

Ben turns and leaves the room.

Callum starts counting the minutes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben is leaning against the side of the desk when Callum enters the bedroom. He has his arms crossed and he’s scowling and Callum doesn’t understand what his problem is.

“What do you want, Ben?” he asks, annoyed that it’s come to this when he specifically doesn’t want to talk about the Hide and Seek incident, but wary too about Ben’s strange mood.

“You need to talk to me, Callum. You can’t keep avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

Ben huffs. “Could’ve fooled me. You shot out of that shower earlier and haven’t spoken a word to me since. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why you’re so worried.”

“We agreed no one would know,” he says, frustration rising. “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone; that you wouldn’t do that to me.”

“And I wouldn’t!”

“You just threatened to tell Jay and Lola!”

Realisation appears on Ben’s face and he instantly looks remorseful. “Callum, I didn’t mean……I talk out of my arse sometimes. I just needed you to talk to me. You brushing me off like you did earlier……”

Whatever he’s about to say, he seems to think better of it and he sighs, closing his eyes and putting his head in his hands.

Against his better judgement, Callum steps forward and reaches for Ben’s hand, pulling it away from his face. Ben startles in surprise as their fingers meet, but then curls his hand to hold.

It’s strange to hold hands with Ben. Different. Not who they are.

He supposes it’s just one more thing to add to the list of things that have changed since Christmas.

“You wanna stay?” Ben quietly asks, eyes pleading once again. “You owe me seven minutes in heaven.” He’s not being his usual jokey self. There’s an insecurity that Callum doesn’t understand.

“Only seven minutes?” he finds himself asking, surprised by how bold he sounds. “Hardly seems worth it.”

Ben too seems to be surprised by his words and it manages to make him smile. Any insecurity that was there vanishes and he leans up, pushing away from the side of the desk to capture Callum’s lips into a kiss.

“I’ll be sure to make it worth your while.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for comments and kudos on the last chapter. This slow burn is very slow but I appreciate people sticking with it and hopefully it will be worth the wait!
> 
> Sometimes being pushed in the right direction can feel like a battle in itself. And sometimes things have to get difficult before they can get any easier. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Fourteen  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum stays in Ben’s bed all night. It’s another first for them, one more thing that's new, but he’s too tired to give it as much thought as he perhaps should. They had drifted off to sleep after what had been a fun session of exchanged blowjobs, closely followed by Callum fucking Ben into the bed beneath them. When he had woken later in the night and made an attempt to return to his own bed, he had inadvertently woken Ben who had dragged him back down under the duvet and they had ended up talking for a while.

Callum can’t remember falling back asleep but he must have done because the next thing he knows it’s eight o’clock, Ben’s alarm is bleeping, and the sky outside is lighter.

“Morning,” Ben whispers, leaning over Callum so he can switch off the alarm.

“Morning.”

“You feeling okay? These beds aren’t exactly made for two.”

Callum laughs sleepily. “Your fault. You stopped me from leaving.”

“Yeah, well, you were warm.”

He smiles at that before remembering last night. Whitney had found him hidden away with Ben during their game of Hide and Seek and she had been quiet for the rest of the evening, barely saying a word. He’ll no doubt be faced with a conversation today that he'd much rather avoid.

But first, he has a lecture in an hour.

Sitting up, he throws his legs out of the bed and starts to dress, picking up his clothes that had been thrown to the floor last night. He can feel Ben's watchful gaze on him as he dresses and when he's fully clothed, he turns to see a soft smile directed his way. Ben sits up, reaching out to pull him into a kiss and Callum allows himself a moment to melt into it, feeling the warmth of Ben's skin beneath his fingers.

“See you in a bit,” Ben whispers as he pulls away.

Callum nods and smiles before making his way towards the door and opening it. Peeking out into the hallway and seeing that it’s clear, he leaves the bedroom, hurtling down the hallway to his own. He could do without anyone spotting him in yesterday’s clothes and questioning him for it.  
  
Entering his room, he sighs in relief. Staying the whole night with Ben hadn’t been a bad thing but it can’t happen again. It’s too much of a risk.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They have two lectures that morning, both of which go by quickly. There had been a recap of their modules last semester and an introduction into what was coming up in this one as well as a tonne of reading material that had been handed out in both. It seems there has been a shift in gear and now is the time when the hard work really begins.

He’s thinking about this as he returns to the flat, Lola at his side. Ben had left them the moment their second lecture had been over with, phone pressed to his ear as he had exited the lecture hall. His phone had been buzzing incessantly up until that point and he appeared to grow more and more uncomfortable each time it had.

“Who do you reckon wanted to get hold of Ben so much?” Lola asks, interrupting his thoughts.

He digs into his pocket to find his key for the flat and puts it into the lock. “Don’t know. Could be anyone I guess.”

“No one’s that impatient. Not unless they really want him.” She walks through the door ahead of him and he follows on. “It’s probably that family of his.”

That thought had occurred to him and it would explain a lot about Ben’s growing unease too.

“I’m going to put all this stuff away,” she says, holding up her books and folder of work. “See you later, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lola disappears into her room and he’s just about to go into his own when a door opens from down the hallway and Whitney’s head appears.

“Callum, can we have a quick word?” she hisses, a tight smile on her face that Callum can only assume she's forcing.

He feels his body go rigid and he knows he must look panic-stricken because he certainly feels it but he nods a little, unable to say no, and walks towards her. She continues to smile and moves aside to let him into her room.

“I’ve been waiting to get you on your own,” she says as the door closes behind him. She sits down on the bed and he follows on, pulling out the chair at her desk and sitting down opposite her.

“Everything alright?” He tries to sound casual but he already knows what this is about.

Whitney looks at him in concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine. You?”

“Yesterday……You and Ben……”

Callum feels his heart thumping in his chest as nausea washes over him. Even though he's known that this conversation was coming, he hasn’t had time to figure out what he's supposed to say to her in response. And what can he say? He can hardly tell her that he’s been sleeping with Ben. That’s the last thing he wants to do.

Instead, he decides to focus on the incident itself and opts to tell her the small amount of truth that he can.

“Yeah, can you believe it? Both of us hiding in the same place....Coincidence. He wouldn’t leave when I asked him to so I just had to put up with him being in there with me. It was a bit weird.”

“Yeah, it was. I wasn’t expecting it,” Whitney replies, looking at him closely.

“Me neither.”

Her eyebrows furrow. “I mean, you don’t even like him do you? And I know you’re more willing to talk to him than I am but being stuck in a shower with him……I wouldn’t have cared about the game.”

Callum nods. He hadn’t cared about the game but still he’d found himself staying there with Ben.

“He’s not……” Whitney pauses to think. “He’s not, you know......is he?”

He doesn’t know. “What?”

“Well Ben’s a sleaze, isn’t he? Tries to get anyone into bed. He’s not putting pressure on you or anything?”

She thinks Ben is preying on him! She thinks he’s some kind of predator who won’t leave him alone!

“No, Whit, it’s nothing like that,” he says, trying to set her straight.

She doesn’t listen though. “Because if he is, I’ll have no qualms about putting these nails of mine to his nether regions and making sure he never has use for them again, Mitchell or not.”

He shakes his head rapidly. “It’s really not like, Whit. You’ve got it all wrong. He’s not doing anything.”

Whitney looks at him as if she’s trying to decide whether he’s telling the truth or just trying to keep the peace. In the end she nods and sighs, the concern fading and being replaced by a smile that is more geniune this time.

“Sorry. Got a bit carried away. I just don’t like how he strolls around as if he owns the place. Thinks he can have anyone he wants when he wants.”

Callum doesn’t see those things in Ben anymore. Her words are a reminder to him of what he used to think about Ben and how far he’s come since then.

Maybe he’s come too far.

Whitney is being judgemental of Ben just as Callum had been once. She’s being overly cautious when she has no reason to be but it strikes him how perhaps he’s not being cautious enough.

The relationship he has with Ben is a casual one. It’s a no strings, no emotions, sex only kind of deal. He’s supposed to be keeping himself distanced. But the last few days have shown how different things are becoming. There are signs of affection in their cuddles, in the way they hold hands, in the way they laugh. They’ve been slowly opening up to each other about their home lives and Callum wants to know more. He wants to learn more.

But he’s Ben _Mitchell_. The reason Callum can’t want those things is because of that. Even today with the incessant phone calls that likely have something to do with his family, it’s a side of Ben that Callum never sees; a side that he isn’t privy to.

Where is he when he disappears from the flat? Where does he go? Callum can’t imagine that the reason for Ben’s disappearances is because he’s been invited to see the family for tea and biscuits and to play a board game or two.

It’s all too much – the not knowing, the way things are changing between them, everyone getting closer and closer to the truth. He no longer feels in control of it like he once was and he doesn't know how to put things back to the way they were before Christmas. He needs everything to stop so that he can figure out what he's supposed to do and how he's supposed to deal with any of this. Because what he wants and what he can have are two very different things.

“I need to take all this stuff to my room,” he says, motioning towards the workload from his lectures.

Not waiting for a response, he stands, feeling his legs shake as he moves hastily across the room and out of the door. His palms begin to sweat and and mind starts to race for reasons that he can't seem to fathom. All he knows is that everything is _too much_. 

And when things get too much he needs to go.

He needs -

He just needs to go.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Going for a run doesn't make a difference. It doesn't stop his mind from spinning with thoughts or his body from pulsating with panic. It does offer up a temporary solution though and he returns to the flat intent on making a disappearance of his own.  
  
By the time evening falls, Ben still hasn't come back from wherever it is he's gone to and Callum is grateful because he really doesn’t think he’d be able to cope with the questions. Lola, Whitney and Jay are all in the kitchen. He can hear them laughing. They’re not paying attention. He’s glad for that as well.

Throwing his toothbrush and comb into the top of his bag, he zips it up and takes it to the door. Then he’s putting on his coat, picking the bag back up and grabbing his keys.

Feeling satisfied when he hears everyone’s ongoing chatter, he opens the bedroom door and locks it behind him before making his way out of the flat once more.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His heart races with the speed of the tube as he passes through the underground. He’s running away and he knows it but he needs time to breathe.

Maybe distance will only result in the same outcome it did over the Christmas break – he’ll miss Ben and want him more than ever. But he needs time to come to terms with what he wants. Needs to learn to accept it as it is with everything that comes with it or simply not have it at all. And he can’t do that if Lola, Jay and Whitney keep asking their questions. And he can’t do it with Ben wanting him to talk the moment he suspects something is wrong.

He’s aware that he only went back to university two days ago and he’s already making an escape. Today was his first day of lectures. He’ll miss tomorrows. If he has his way, he’ll miss the day after that as well. Skipping a lecture is something he never thought he’d do. But there are bigger things. He just hopes Mick will understand.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Mick and Linda are serving behind the bar when he enters the pub. It’s quiet, most of the pub empty, so Mick spots him as soon as he walks through the door.

“Halfway!” he exclaims in surprise, the nickname he’s always used when referring to Callum falling from his lips. “What you doing here?”

“Alright, Mick.” He glances towards Linda and smiles as he reaches the bar. “Linda.”

“Thought you were back at uni?” Mick’s eyes slide across to the bag hanging from his shoulder. “What’s going on?”

He looks down at the bar, pressing his fingers into the wood furnishing. “I don’t wanna be any trouble, but, would it be okay if I stayed here a couple of nights?”

When he glances up it’s to see Mick and Linda sharing a look, silent words being spoken between them. Mick steps out from behind the bar and reaches for his shoulder.

“Come on. Let’s take your stuff upstairs and I’ll stick the kettle on.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He never leans on the Carter’s. Never asks them for anything, not if he can help it. He’s never asked them to stay over before. Perhaps that explains the worried expression on Mick’s face when he brings Callum a steaming mug of hot tea and sits down beside him on the sofa.

Callum hadn’t wanted to come here but he hadn’t wanted to go anywhere else either. Escaping from the flat just to return to the suffocating walls of a house containing both his dad and Stuart wouldn’t have been any escape at all. It would only have confused matters more.

It had to be here. There was nowhere else.

He wonders if anyone has realised he has gone yet. He wonders if Ben knows. He has purposely packed his phone into the bottom of his bag and if Ben knows then he’ll have tried to get in touch by now. It’s one of the reasons he’s going to leave the phone in there for now.

“Now then, you wanna tell me what’s going on?" Mick asks, handing the mug of tea over. "Not that I’m not happy to see your face but you only left a couple of days ago so you either miss the gaff already or there’s something wrong.”

Callum knows Mick though. He knows Mick won’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to. And he doesn’t.

Shaking his head, he responds, “Just wanted to get away for a couple of days. Don’t really wanna talk about it if I’m honest.”

Mick nods, the concern still written on his face, but he settles back into the sofa and picks up the remote to turn the television on. He flicks through the channels, eventually stopping on a late-night panel show before reaching to the box at the side of the sofa and pulling out a bag of crisps.

“Here,” he says, throwing the bag Callum’s way. “Get your laughing gear round those.”

Callum smiles in response, glad that Mick isn’t questioning him any further. He knew he’d be accepted here and he won’t stay long. A couple of nights is all he needs. A couple of nights to distract himself from thoughts of a three letter name and calm his mind.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben tries to call.

Ben tries to call a lot.

Callum ignores every single one.

Ben texts a lot too. His messages go unread every time.

Lola and Whitney text and after Lola’s third message, Callum replies and tells her that he’s fine, tells her to let everyone else know he’s fine too, and that he just needed to come home for a while. She doesn’t need to know that he isn’t actually at home. She responds that she’s here for him if he wants to talk and that she’ll get a copy of all the notes he’s missing from their lectures for him.

Ben stops trying to get in touch with him after that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s two days later when he returns to university. The flat is quiet and he manages to make it to his bedroom without being seen. Ben and Lola will be in the middle of a lecture and he contemplates going along to it but he’s already missed half of it and he’s still not ready to see Ben.

The time away has been a relief but he’s still no further in deciding what to do to try and stop people from finding out about he and Ben. The most obvious answer is that they simply stop sleeping together. Agree that it was fun while it lasted and move on. But he doesn’t want to do that. He’s grown attached to Ben in a way he thought he never would. He doesn’t want it to be over.

He hopes the time away has allowed suspicions to simmer. Maybe Whitney has forgotten about their game of Hide and Seek now. Maybe Lola has forgotten about playing cupid and trying to find a boyfriend for him. Maybe Jay never actually connected Ben and Callum just from the love bites on Ben’s body and maybe Callum just allowed himself to read into it all, panic, and blow everything out of proportion.

Maybe that’s what’s been going on here.

But still, when the door of the flat opens an hour later and Lola’s voice carries down the hallway, Callum freezes and decides he’s still not ready to see anyone. As soon as Lola’s voice fades, Callum grabs his coat and makes his way out of the flat, being quiet enough to avoid being seen.

He decides to hideout in the library where he sits in a booth in the corner of the room. He turns the computer on just for something to do and wonders how long he can pass the time before he’ll have to return to the flat again. He could get dinner in the canteen. Or the café on the edge of campus might still be doing sandwiches. But at some point he’ll have to go back. He’s just not ready yet.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on or do I have to guess?”

Callum whips his head around so fast he feels dizzy and it takes a moment to focus on the person standing behind him. He knows who it is though.

“Ben.”

“Callum,” Ben says, eyebrows furrowed in a look of determination. He doesn’t appear to be very happy.

“Since when did the library become your favourite hangout?” Callum asks, evading his question. Of all the places he thought he would be safe from being seen, it was here.

Ben moves closer and pushes the keyboard towards the computer screen so that he can perch on the edge of the desk.

“Since I followed you up here.”

“You followed me?” Half of him is appalled by the thought of Ben following him anywhere whilst the other half of him wonders how he hadn’t felt Ben’s presence all along. It’s something he’s always been attuned to right from the moment they met. He’s always been aware of Ben’s eyes on him. Not now though.

“I was on my way to the flat and saw you leave. Thought I’d follow you and find out what’s been going on with you lately.”

Callum sighs. Just once he wishes that Ben didn’t have to be so serious. He’d give anything for Ben’s arrogance right now or his attempts at flirtation. At least he knows how to respond to that. He’d give anything for something other than direct questioning.

He shrugs. “I got homesick that’s all. It happens.” It’s a feeble excuse and he knows even as he says it that Ben won’t believe him for a moment.

It’s no surprise when Ben scoffs in response. “Don’t give me that, Callum. Whit or Lo might believe that but not me; give me some credit! We’re barely back from the Christmas break and from what you’ve told me, home isn’t exactly a place to miss, is it?”

“Fine,” he concedes. “I just needed space, alright?”

“And you couldn’t have told me that over the phone, no?”

No, he couldn’t. He hadn’t wanted to talk to him. He doesn’t really want to be talking to him right now either. Why does Ben have to be so persistent?

“I just needed time to think. I’m not avoiding anyone,” he lies. “I just needed some time and maybe I still do, I don’t know.”

He feels terrible but he stands and walks away before Ben has chance to question him any further. Ben hasn’t done anything wrong and he knows that deep down. But he’s only just got back and he’s already wanting to jump back on the tube and return to the Carter’s again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben collars him again later once evening falls. Callum’s washing up after managing to avoid an interrogation from Jay and Lola during dinner. Neither of them had asked him about his sudden disappearance, both happily accepting that he was alright when he had confirmed to them that he was. After that, Lola had brought him up to speed on what he had been missing during their lectures and had told him about the essay everyone had been set whilst he'd been away.

He hasn’t seen Whitney at all since he’s been back. Apparently she’s spending time with friends from her course this evening. It doesn’t seem as if she’s told either Jay or Lola about finding Ben and Callum hidden away in the shower together that day.

Now he's alone, glad to have made it through dinner without a problem, Lola and Jay leaving him to it when he had offered to wash their plates up alongside his own. He's just placing the last of the dishes into the draining rack when Ben walks into the room.

“Jay in here?”

“No,” Callum answers even though Ben can very clearly see that Jay isn’t in the kitchen. “He’s in Lola’s room.”

Ben raises his eyebrows and smirks. “Well, I guess we can’t have all the fun, can we?”

He notices that Ben has got his coat on. It’s strange to see him in something other than the leather jacket he’s become so familiar with.

“You going somewhere?”

“Yeah,” Ben replies, averting his eyes for a moment. “Look, I’ve been thinking about earlier.”

Callum pulls out the plug from the sink and watches as water makes its way down the drain. He doesn’t want to talk about earlier. He doesn’t want Ben’s questions.

“This secrecy thing, we can’t keep doing this for the rest of our time here.”

He draws in a sharp breath. This is it. This is the end. They’ve reached a stalemate and can’t go forward anymore.

It had to end eventually. It was always going to. And he's dithered for so long that Ben has made the decision for both of them.

It’s for the best.

They have to end this now.

For the best.

He hates the way his chest clenches at the thought of what’s coming but it’s the only option isn’t it? They’ve gone on for as long as they can.

Ben is quiet behind him. He has to talk.

“I know,” he replies, steadying his breath again and watching as the remains of water go down the drain with a gurgle. “If we can’t keep this a secret then there’s only one thing we can do.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

Callum nods, watches as a bubble from the soap suds pops. “So we end this then.”

“What?” Ben squawks in alarm causing Callum to turn to see the shock on his face. “No! We tell people!”

 _That_ is his alternative? Really? No one can find out about them! Why would he ever think that was an option? People finding out would lead to all kinds of opinions and judgements and he’d feel the need to justify it. It’s been hard enough trying to justify it in his _own_ mind. And that’s without taking into account the issue of his family being who they are.

Ben must be able to read the shock on his face because he asks, “Why are you so concerned about people finding out about us?”

“I told you. It would be weird!” It’s not a reason, he knows, but it’s the only one he’s willing to give right now.

“No, you said it would be weird being caught in a shower together when everyone believes we don’t really talk to each other. But if we told them about us then it wouldn’t matter would it?”

“They might feel uncomfortable around us.” That’s not a reason either.

“No one feels uncomfortable around Jay and Lola,” Ben points out.

“That’s different,” he argues, grappling with a debate he’s already losing. “They’re in a relationship. You know to act around people who are in relationships.”

Ben runs a hand through his hair, grabbing it in his fist for a moment. He’s stressed. Callum hates how he knows that. Hates how he knows Ben well enough to know what each little gesture means.

Fuck, he’s in too deep, isn’t he? How the hell did he allow himself to reach this point? This point where he doesn’t want to be with Ben properly but doesn’t want to let him go either.

“I don’t think it’d make a difference to anyone,” Ben sighs. “I just feel like, I don’t know, like I can’t kiss you whenever I want, or I can’t talk to you when I want and stuff like that.”

“I thought this was just sex?” It’s not just a question for Ben but a question for himself too. Because that’s what it's supposed to be. That’s what it _should_ be.

Ben looks uncomfortable. “It is, but……”

But what? Where is he going with this? Callum’s not sure he even wants to know. Ben can’t be in too deep as well. If they’ve both defied their own rules and somehow got attached to each other even though they said they wouldn’t then Callum doesn’t know how they can reverse that.

“Maybe this is starting to mean something to me,” Ben mumbles, avoiding his gaze. He is so quiet that Callum wonders if he’s heard it right. But Ben is standing in front of him, hands in his pockets now with his head lowered to the ground. There’s something shy in his expression and he looks like he wants the coat he’s wearing to swallow him whole.

Callum shakes his head, the shock of Ben’s words seeping through him. It _can’t_. It _can’t_ mean something.

“I think……I think I should…..” He motions towards the door; feels the way his body is drawing him to it. It’s wrong for him to walk away after Ben’s confession but he can’t stay here.

Ben must recognise his urge to run because he looks up and reaches out a hand to Callum’s elbow.

“I think it’s starting to mean something to you too,” he says, voice low and soft.

Callum shakes his head again. “I can’t think about this right now, Ben.”

“What are you scared of?”

_So many things. So many._

He’s saved from having to come up with an answer because at that moment the door swings open and Lola walks in. Ben withdraws his hand as if he’s been burned.

Lola pauses when she sees them and Ben doesn’t wait to be quizzed, instead leaving hurriedly.

“What was that?” Lola asks when the door closes behind him.

“Nothing,” Callum responds, reaching for the tea towel in an attempt to look busy. “He was just looking for Jay.”

She frowns. “Really? ‘Cause it felt like I’d just interrupted something.”

He laughs is off, waving a hand casually in the hopes she won’t ask anything more.

“It’s weird,” Lola continues. “When you went home he was being really strange. Quiet and moody and that. You and him…..?” His hands feel clammy and his throat is dry. “Did you two have a bust up? Is that why you left?”

The relief is overwhelming. She thinks he and Ben have had an argument.

“Not really. Don’t worry about it.” He sends her a small smile and she shakes her head.

“I know you don’t get along but you weren’t doing too badly before Christmas. Sort it out with him, yeah?”

Callum nods in reassurance and she smiles.

Sort it out with him. If only she knew.

_"Maybe this is starting to mean something to me"._

He closes his eyes as the words play on a loop around his head.

_"I think it’s starting to mean something to you too."_


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments on the last chapter! We're midway through this fic now so there's still lots of the story to go and I'm glad that it's being enjoyed :) 
> 
> I think we can all agree that Callum is being a bit of an idiot at the moment and it’s not only confusing Ben but hurting him too. It would have been easy to write about Callum falling blindly and hopelessly in love with Ben without a care to his family, but that’s not what this story is about. It's about growing and understanding and still choosing someone despite all the dangers even after you have learned all the facts. Callum denying himself of Ben is only part of the journey and I hope once he gets to the point of a turn around (because let’s face it, I wouldn’t write a story with an unhappy ending otherwise what would be the point?) then the reason for me taking him on this slower route will make sense. 
> 
> With that said, enjoy :)

**Chapter Fifteen  
  
  
  
  
**

_“Maybe this is starting to mean something to me.”_

_“I think it’s starting to mean something to you too.”  
  
_

Callum can’t get Ben’s words out of his head for the rest of the evening. And when he goes to bed that night, he can’t sleep for thinking about what they mean. He tosses and turns for a long time, often falling asleep before being woken again mere moments later, Ben's voice in his ears despite him not actually being there.

He thinks about going to Ben’s room but that would likely lead to them sleeping together and Callum doesn’t think he can whilst all this is going around his head. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. He also doesn’t think he can deal with another serious conversation with Ben right now, fearing such a conversation might lead them to talk of feelings and emotions and things that he doesn’t have the answers to.

There’s something about Ben. There’s _always_ been something about Ben. Something Callum is drawn to. Something he can’t stay away from.

Ben makes him mad and frustrated and annoyed, but he also makes him laugh and smile and has Callum’s heart beating wildly in his chest whenever he’s around. Callum likes the softer moments too. He finds himself intrigued by the sides of Ben he rarely shows to the world. He yearns for more of that. Yearns to uncover and see.

Does that mean he has feelings for him? Callum doesn’t know. This thing with Ben is nothing like his relationship had been with Chris. Then again, what he had with Chris had been love, hadn’t it? And it’s not like he’s in love with Ben. He can’t compare the two.

He remembers the conversation he’d had with Tina at Christmas. She had described his relationship with Chris as being _first love_ and then gone on to talk about true love as if it was something completely different. He doesn’t get it. How can love be so different? What’s the difference between the way you feel for the first person you love and the second, or the third, or the fourth?

Callum groans, rubbing at his tired eyes with the palm of his hands. It doesn’t matter anyway. He shouldn’t even be thinking about this. There is absolutely no love between he and Ben.

 _But you care, don’t you?_ a small voice whispers in the back of his mind. _You like him, don’t you?_

He sighs in frustration and sits up. It’s time for coffee. If he can’t get to sleep and his tired mind is going to start playing these mind games with him then he may as well wake himself up in the hopes that it will bring some respite.

Rolling out of bed and dragging the duvet with him, Callum makes his way out of the room.

The kitchen is unsurprisingly very cold when he gets there. The blinds haven’t been drawn closed and he can see rain pouring down the window outside and the trees bending with the wind. He wishes he had something warmer to wear for bed in the winter. Coffee will warm him up though.

Turning the kettle on, he sets about making himself a drink before moving to the sofa and throwing his duvet across himself. When he hears the entrance door to the flat open, he half expects it to be Ben. He doesn’t have time to decide whether he wants it to be though because it turns out to be Whitney instead.

“You’re back!” she shouts in excitement despite the late hour. “When did that happen? What are you sitting in the dark for? Do you know what time it is?”

She’s talking too fast and she’s a little wobbly on her feet and he can only assume she’s had a drink or two.

“Earlier on,” he responds, although it feels like so much longer since he returned from his visit to see the Carter's. “Where’ve you been?”

“Just to the SU with some mates from my course. We have this Spring themed project to do. You know, all pastel colours and chiffon materials and floral patterns.” She moves over to the sofa and pulls the duvet back to sit under it with him. “I don’t think we should do floral though. Too predictable. We need something fresh, you know? Samantha thinks it’s a great idea though. I think we’re gonna clash.”

Callum nods, not wanting to interrupt her spiel.

“Anyway, not much planning got done. Then again, with the gin flowing why would it? Good night though!” She pauses, then shifts a little to look at him. “Hey, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, yeah.”

“You’re sitting on your own at one in the morning. You’re not fine.”

Okay, he’s not fine. He’s far from fine. He can’t tell Whitney about this though.

She crosses her arms over the duvet and steadies her gaze on him. “You can talk to me, you know that don’t you?”

He does know that but Whitney hasn’t drank enough that she won’t remember this conversation in the morning. She nudges at his side though, encouraging him, and there’s something about the darkness and silence that surrounds them that makes him feel like it's safer to talk. He can’t tell her about Ben, but maybe he can tell her just a little bit about how he's feeling. Just enough to get things off his chest.

“I’ve done something,” he starts slowly. Whitney waits patiently as he picks at the duvet and decides on his next words. “I don’t feel like there’s any way forward but there’s no way backwards either. I’m just stuck in a bit of mess really.” That’s an understatement. “I just don’t know what to do about it.”

Whitney remains quiet and Callum knows there’s very little advice she can offer based on the small amount of information he’s given her.

“Has this got anything to do with Ben?” she asks suddenly.

Callum feels himself tense and forces himself to relax again.

“No,” he lies. “It’s not him. I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit. Like I’m doing stuff that I would never do and I don’t know why. I just don’t know. It’s silly,” he says, trying to brush it off.

She reaches out to put a hand on his knee, squeezing the duvet that covers it in what Callum assumes is supposed to be an act of comfort.

“It’s not silly. Whatever it is, if it’s making you feel like this then it’s not silly at all. Callum, what is it that you’ve done?”

Before he has chance to reply, he hears the sound of someone else entering the flat and there’s a jangling of keys as footsteps make their way down the hallway.

Callum looks at Whitney for a moment and then Ben is striding into the kitchen, stopping abruptly when he sees the two of them.

“Where’ve you been?” Callum asks when the silence becomes too much.

Ben ignores him. “What are you two doing up at this time of night?”

“We’re living up to the stereotype that students stay up to the early hours of the morning,” Whitney supplies.

“Right,” Ben nods, a stony expression on his face. He watches them for a moment, his eyes flicking back and forth between the two of them before glancing down at where Whitney’s hand is still on Callum’s knee.

Callum wonders where he’s been. There’s a whisper in the back of his mind that he’s been out for a hook up but he can’t ask him outright with Whitney sitting there. And it wouldn’t have anything to do with him anyway. Just because Ben said he wouldn’t have sex with anyone else doesn’t mean he hasn't changed his mind and Callum shouldn’t care even if he has. Ben can do what he likes. He’s single. They both are.

“I’m going to bed,” Ben says, turning and leaving the room, whatever he came in here for is apparently now forgotten about.

“We should do the same,” Callum tells Whitney when he's gone. “Thanks for the chat though.”

Whitney looks at him for a moment and asks, “You sure this isn’t about Ben?”

“No, it’s not,” he answers, proud that he manages to sound convincing this time.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He doesn’t manage to sleep at all that night and when he goes to his lecture the following morning, he’s feeling grumpy and irritable. Ben doesn’t seem much happier either, moodily staring down at the work sheets in front of him without saying a word. Lola has to sit in between them and she sighs exaggeratedly and rolls her eyes.

Ben disappears as soon as the lecture is over. Their lecturer has barely finished the end of his sentence about seeing them all next week when Ben is out of his seat and heading towards the door.

“You’re gonna have to sort it out, Callum,” Lola says as she packs away her things. “Whatever you’ve argued about this time, it’s no good for the flat, you know.”

Callum sighs. He and Ben haven’t argued although he’s not about to tell her that. It’s better for Lola to believe they have rather than dig deeper.

“I can’t cope with him when he’s got a strop on. And you’re no better either,” Lola continues.

“I’m fine,” he shrugs. “Just didn’t get much sleep last night that’s all.”

“Hmm,” she responds non-committedly.

It’s clear she doesn’t believe him but it’s true. He’s so tired from lack of sleep that having Ben in the same room as him after their conversation yesterday isn’t something he has the energy to even think about.

He can't imagine the reason for Ben’s mood though, nor does he have the brain power to think about that either. He needs sleep. And coffee.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum wakes to a darkened room, still fully clothed and lying on top of his duvet. He remembers resting his head in an attempt to rid himself of the headache that was slowly building and must have fallen asleep because now, according to the time on his phone, it’s almost five hours later. It's still early in the evening but the darkness of winter makes it feel a lot later than it is. He could quite easily go back to sleep but he doesn't want to ruin his sleep pattern any more than it's already been ruined.

Getting out of bed, he finds the light switch and blinks against the harsh brightness, sighing when he sees the bag of washing he was supposed take to the laundrette on campus earlier in the day. It could wait until tomorrow but he hasn't had chance to wash any of his clothes since returning to university after Christmas what with everything that has been going on between himself and Ben. He’ll be running out of clothes soon.

Picking up the bag, he turns the light off and leaves the room, heading towards the kitchen.

“Anyone need anything washing?” he asks, poking his head in through the door to find Lola and Jay sitting on the sofa.

“I’m alright, mate,” Jay responds as Lola shakes her head and sends him a smile in thanks.

Callum nods and leaves the flat, making his way across campus.

The launderette is quiet when he walks in. There’s no one else around although there are a couple of machines quietly whirring around in the corner. He chooses a washing machine for himself and starts to fill it, deciding he’s willing to wait the thirty minutes until it’s done.

Sitting down on the bench in the middle of the room, he runs a hand through his hair and tries to make it look as if he hasn’t just spent the last few hours sleeping. The machine spins slowly as it starts to fill up with water and he yawns, the motions of it making him feel even more tired.

When the door opens, he pays very little attention until there’s someone sitting down beside him.

“You following me again?” he asks upon seeing Ben there. “Twice in two days now.”

“Lola told me where you were. Said I should come and sort things out with you. She’s got it into her head that you and me are at each other’s throats again – and not in the good way. Are we?”

Callum shakes his head. “No, course not.”

“You sure? Because I don’t really know what’s been going on with us this week. We came back to uni and everything was fine and then that stupid game happened and you disappeared the next day. And ever since then you’ve gone out of your way to avoid me.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” he says, standing from the bench and moving across the room.

Ben sighs. “You are. Like now! It’s like you can’t bear to be near me for even just a few minutes.”

Callum leans back against one of the machines and crosses his arms. Ben is looking at him in the same way he did the other day after their game of Hide and Seek: desperate and pleading. He wants to ask what it means but he thinks he might already know.  
  
_"Maybe this is starting to mean something to me."_

Trying to ignore the words in his mind, Callum focuses on the whir of the machines, aware of Ben watching him closely.

“Last night,” Ben says, “you and Whit, what was going on there?” There’s something accusatory in his tone and Callum doesn’t understand why.

“We were just talking.”

Ben huffs out a laugh and mutters, “Just talking.”

Whatever he’s insinuating, Callum doesn’t like it. He can talk to whoever he wants.

“What about you coming back in the middle of the night?” he throws back, irritated now.

“I had things to do.”

“Hmm,” he nods. “Things to do, blokes to do – I suppose it’s all the same to you.” It’s out of his mouth before he’s able to think better of it and he regrets it immediately. He doesn’t really believe that Ben was out hooking up with random guys but there must be a small part of him that subconsciously thinks it otherwise why would he have said it?

“I didn’t go out and shag the nearest bloke, Callum,” Ben spits out, standing abruptly. “I didn’t go out and shag _any_ bloke for your information. I told you I wouldn’t while we……” He exhales loudly, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling before returning his gaze to Callum again. “I’ve told you the truth, Callum. You wanna be honest about you and Whitney now?”

Callum frowns, the implication of Ben’s words bordering on lunacy.

“You’re not actually jealous, are you?”

“I just wanna know what’s going on!” Ben blurts out, arms flailing in anger.

“You are! You’re jealous! Do you have any idea how stupid all this sounds? I’m gay, Ben! There’s nothing going on between me and Whit! You’re jealous over nothing!”

“Says the person who’s convinced I slept with someone last night.”

Callum has nothing to say to that. He stares at Ben who stares back at him and then sighs, letting go of all the frustration that seems to have built from nothing.

“I don’t like this,” he says. “I don’t like arguing with you, Ben.”

“Yeah well, I don’t like it either but it’s not my choice is it?” He’s talking about the secrecy and Callum gives him a look that he hopes Ben will understand. They can’t tell anyone. Ben’s shoulders sag and he nods.

“So much for our lives being separate, eh?” Callum tries to smile.

Ben walks over to him, dropping his forehead down onto Callum’s chest. Callum wraps his arms around him on instinct and feels Ben return the hold.

“I don’t like it when you’re not around,” Ben whispers.

Callum closes his eyes and holds him tighter. It’s a mess. _They’re_ a mess. It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.

“Can we talk tomorrow?” he asks, still holding on to Ben.

“Not tonight?”

“No, I didn’t sleep last night and I've got a banging headache. I just need some rest first.”

Ben moves back a little to look up at him. “Okay. Tomorrow.”

Callum doesn’t know what it is he wants to say or what he’s hoping to gain but he doesn’t want to stay here feeling stuck like he has been. They need to talk and he’s already put it off long enough.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It isn’t until the following afternoon when they come out of their lecture that Ben and Callum get chance to talk. Lola tells them she’s going to get a coffee from the café and looks at them pointedly before practically skipping away.

“She’s done that on purpose,” Ben says. “I mean, who chooses to spend money on coffee when there’s jars of the stuff in the flat?”

“She goes for the coffee beans,” Callum answers, thinking about how nice the coffee is from the café across campus compared to the cheap brand that they have in the flat.

“Come on, Callum. You _know_ that’s not the reason she’s just left.”

Callum knows. Lola is still of the assertion that the two of them are at loggerheads again. She’s left them to sort out their differences.

“Well, she’s barking up the wrong tree then, isn’t she?” he says.

Ben doesn’t answer, instead asking, “What did you want to talk about?”

Oh. So they’re doing this now then.

He’s been thinking a lot about their upcoming conversation ever since he suggested it last night. Things have very obviously changed between them since Christmas and whilst Callum doesn’t want the confirmation of that, doesn’t want to believe it’s true, he can’t get Ben’s words about this meaning something to him out of his head. If they can just address it, perhaps it will go some way to bringing them back to what they’re supposed to be – just two people who end up in bed together sometimes.

He should probably just be direct about it but he doesn’t want to dive straight in just yet. There’s something else that’s playing on his mind. It’s the one reason stopping he and Ben from ever becoming anything more than what they already are.

“Were you with your family the other night?” he asks as they start walking towards the accommodation blocks in the distance. “That night you came back and saw me talking to Whit. I know you said you hadn’t slept with anyone. So, were you with your family?”

Ben doesn’t reply. He keeps his focus ahead of him as they walk and it starts to become clear that he’s not going to give an answer at all. Callum hadn't been expecting that. Ben always has an answer for everything, even if it's sometimes a lie.

“I feel like there’s this whole other side to you that I don’t know anything about,” he continues. “There’s this whole other life you’re part of that I’ve heard about and seen on the news and stuff but looking at you, it’s hard to imagine you fitting into that world.”

He remembers what they talked about not even a week ago after they returned to university. They had been lying on Callum’s bed and Ben had told him that he felt like an outcast amongst the Mitchell’s, that he felt like he couldn’t measure up. He had said that his father didn’t trust him to get involved with the bigger jobs and even though Callum doesn’t know exactly what that means, he knows Ben is involved enough that he’s still going and meeting them regularly and at all hours of the day.

Ben is part of that world whether he wants to be or not. Callum just can’t imagine how.

Noticing Ben has come to a stop, Callum turns to look at him.

“I thought you wanted no involvement?” Ben questions, eyes suddenly curious.

“I don’t. Not with your family. Sometimes I…….Sometimes I just wonder how much of you I know and how much I don’t.”

“You know me.”

“Do I?”

Ben’s chin dips as he lowers his eyes to the ground between them. Callum sighs.

“What you said about this starting to mean something to you,” he starts, Ben meeting his gaze again. “I don’t really know what to do with that.”

“I can’t change it, Callum,” Ben says defensively.

“I know. I know that. It’s just, we said this was only going to be, you know……no strings.”

Ben starts walking again, brushing passed him a little as he does, and Callum is left to follow on. They’re nearing the accommodation blocks now and this isn’t the kind of conversation he wants to continue in the flat.

“Do you – Do you feel anything?” Ben questions from in front of him. Callum can’t see his face from this angle but he sounds nervous and unsure. It’s a question Callum doesn’t know the answer to. He’s never allowed himself to think about it too much. When he says this, Ben asks, “But if you did?”

 _Yes_.

“Maybe,” he responds instead, ignoring the beating of his heart. Ben nods at that and Callum quickens his pace to walk alongside him again. “It’s not like anything could ever work between us though.”

Ben is quiet at the side of him for a moment. “No. I guess not.”

It should be what Callum wants to hear. It’s confirmation that anything more than what they already are would be too dangerous. They’re in two completely different worlds. And yet, something inside of him deflates and he feels hollow. He chances a look across at Ben beside him but his face is expressionless.

So that’s it then. This is starting to mean something to Ben. It might be starting to mean something to him too. But it can’t and neither of them can let it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are you sure you’re not coming?” Lola asks the next night as she perches at the edge of Callum’s desk.

“No, I really just wanna get this done.”

She looks at the laptop screen that is open in front of him, word document open and a page of writing already typed out.

“You know that’s not due in for weeks yet, don’t you?” She shuffles a little to get comfy. “This isn’t even about the essay, is it? This is about whatever’s been going on with you this week. What is it, Callum? I thought you and Ben had sorted things out now?”

After their conversation yesterday, they’d spent the evening in the kitchen with Whitney, Lola and Jay watching a movie. Callum had laughed a little at Ben’s commentary and they’d got into a light-hearted debate by the end about whether sitting through the credits is an unwritten rule or not. It is as far as Callum is concerned. Ben had won the argument though, snatching the remote from Lola and switching the television off as the credits rolled.

Lola had been happy to see that the two of them were apparently getting on again and was clearly chuffed with herself for leaving them to talk earlier in the day.

“We have,” Callum tells her now. “This isn’t about Ben. I just don’t really fancy a night out right now.” It’s been a long week and all he wants to do is write this essay so that it’s one less thing for him to think about and then curl up in bed and sleep.

Lola rolls her eyes but she doesn’t try to push him into it. She’s all dressed up and ready to go anyway.

“Okay,” she responds reluctantly before hopping off the desk. “Well we’re going in a bit so we’ll try not to wake you when we get back.”

Smiling, Lola leaves the room and Callum turns back to his laptop, listening to the voices in the hallway as they start to filter out of the door and the flat falls silent.

Starting to type again, he barely gets further than a paragraph in before he hears movement out in the hallway. Ruby must be in and he chuckles to himself as he conjures up an image in his head of her hiding in the bushes outside the flat with a pair of binoculars just waiting for the flat to be empty so that she can swoop in. It’s the only time she ever seems to be around.

He can count on one hand how many times he’s spoken to her since September and he contemplates going to say hello to her now. She seems nice from the very few conversations he’s had with her in passing, but she’s made it clear she doesn’t think much about any of them, much preferring to stay around her own group of friends. It wouldn’t surprise him if she’s practically moved in to someone else’s flat, though where she’d sleep he has no idea.

Deciding against saying hello, he turns back to the laptop and starts to type again just as the door swings open and much to his surprise, Ben walks into the room.

“How you getting on with that essay?” he asks casually, strolling across the room and throwing himself down onto the bed.

Callum turns in his chair. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you out with the others?”

“Flat’s empty. There’s no one else here. Why would I go out when I can spend time with you?”

He feels his heart leap at the implication that Ben would choose to spend time with him over going out drinking.

“Lola didn’t tell me you weren’t going,” he says, still confused that it’s Ben here and not Ruby as he’d thought. “I know there’s lots of time before we have to hand this in, but I want to get it finished tonight now that I’ve started. So, you know, if you think we’re just gonna sleep together – "

Ben clutches at his chest dramatically and feigns hurt. “You talk like I’m just using you for sex!”

Callum huffs out a laugh. They haven’t slept together in almost a week now with everything that has been going on and he’d be stupid to think that Ben didn’t have it on his mind just a little bit.

But still, Ben settles back onto the bed properly, head on the pillow as he gets comfy.

“Chuck us one of those comics, will you?” he says, reaching out expectantly.

“You called them crap,” Callum replies but grabs hold of a comic from the shelf and passes it to Ben.

“I’ve got some time to kill and you’ve got an essay to write. Might as well make myself useful and find out why you like this stuff. Has this one got Thor in it? Maybe I can work out what the attraction is and see where I’m going wrong.”

Callum tries not to think about what Ben means by that and ignores the question.

“I’m going to be a least another hour writing this.” Ben shrugs though, apparently not bothered, and flips open the first page of the comic. “Are you being serious?”

Ben grins and glances his way. “Yep. Get on with it then.”

When it becomes clear that Ben is here to stay, Callum turns back to the desk and starts typing again.

Ben is quiet after that, just the sound of pages turning and the clicking from the laptop keys filling the room. When Callum starts to struggle as he nears the end of the essay, tiredness setting in and brain fuzzy, Ben offers him encouragement and tries to motivate him. He reads through the essay and gives pointers on things that could be added or changed. It’s strange. He’s being soft and caring and supportive and it’s another side to him that Callum has never seen of him before.

When he finally reaches the end of the essay, he closes the laptop with a sigh and rubs at his eyes. Ben puts the comic aside and reaches out, pulling on Callum's chair and dragging it away from the desk and closer to the bed. And then he leans forward and kisses him and Callum feels himself relax into it, the ache in his bones fading. It’s a kiss that is so different to any other they’ve shared – tender and ever so gentle – and Callum finds himself drowning in it, drowning in Ben, in _them_.

He shouldn’t be letting this happen, but he is. He can’t stop it.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who left kudos or a comment on the last chapter :) Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated and means so much and I really enjoy reading people's thoughts about what is going on and where it's all going to go so thank you!
> 
> Special thanks goes to the DS WhatsApp group for helping me to throw around ideas for this chapter despite not being given any context. Without you, there was a risk of this ending up both predictable and out of character. I'm hopeful that I've now managed to avoid that. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Sixteen  
  
  
  
  
**

As the days pass by, Callum and Ben settle back into their usual routine of sneaking into one another’s room at night. The return to what has become their normality is nice and if Callum tries really hard, he can forget about things like feelings and attachments and _something more_.

One night when Ben brings up the subject of telling the rest of the flat, Callum shuts it down almost immediately.

“But why not?” Ben questions. “It wouldn’t be that bad if they knew we were hooking up. They wouldn’t care.”

“Because they’ll think we’re together and then there’ll be all this pressure to act like we are when we’re not,” Callum explains.

“We wouldn’t have to label anything.”

“No, Ben", he says, effectively putting an end to the conversation.

The matter is dropped after that. Callum almost feels bad about being so resistant to the idea but if people find out and start treating the two of them as if they’re in a relationship then Callum will let himself think about what it might be like to actually be with Ben in that way. He’ll get carried away with himself, create little fantasies as they get wrapped up in a wonderful little bubble that is unique to them and theirs alone and in doing so, in allowing himself to grow closer to Ben, he will inevitably be lead nearer to the Mitchell’s world and reality will sink in and the bubble will pop and....

He’s already getting carried away.

It seems that Ben forgets about it after that and Callum tries to do the same even though he can’t shake the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that maybe it isn’t supposed to be this way.

And so, the following Saturday when he steps into the flat after returning from his morning jog and an overly excited Whitney and Lola come bounding down the hallway towards him, he has no idea what could possibly have got into them.

“What’s going on?” he asks, dumbfounded and utterly bewildered by their enthusiasm.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lola squeals.

Whitney grabs hold of his hand and pulls him in the direction of the kitchen, Lola following on behind and clapping her hands with excitement.

At first glance, the kitchen looks no different than usual. There’s a pile of dishes at the side of the sink waiting to be washed and at the other side is a pile of already washed plates from where they’ve been left to drain overnight. There’s several PlayStation games littered across the sofa thanks to either Jay or Ben even though neither of them are here now. And then his eyes settle on the kitchen table and the item sitting on top of it.

It’s a Marvel comic.

Callum frowns and steps closer to it, the girls still giddy at his side.

It’s not just any Marvel comic. It’s _Journey into Mystery_ and one look at the picture on the cover tells him that this is a copy of the first Marvel comic that Thor ever appeared in. It’s a comic he’s tried to find for years but it’s so rare that even when he’d come across one being sold online he hadn’t been able to afford it.

Now it’s here on the table in front of him and even without knowing, he can guess how it got here.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Whitney grins as she peels off a post-it note from the bottom of the front page that he's yet to notice.

“Tell you what?” he asks, still stunned by the sight of the comic in front of him but even more confused by the reason for their excitement. Are they secret Marvel fans too?

Whitney presses the post-it note into his hand and he looks down at it to see typed out words on a small slip of white paper which has been carefully stuck onto the post-it note with sellotape.

_‘Callum – I don’t want to keep pretending. Take a chance with me?’_

He stares down at the words and feels the hairs on his body spike. There’s no doubt that Ben did this. But why?

“No wonder you didn’t want me to matchmake you with anyone,” Lola teases from behind him.

Vivid images appear in his mind like a montage from a film as he continues to stare at the words in front of him – the first message Ben had given to him, scrawled on a piece of paper asking what he was so afraid of, the night Ben told him to stop pretending and they’d ended up in bed together for the first time, their conversation from last week about how it was starting to mean something to Ben and the way Ben had questioned why they couldn’t tell anyone since.

Whitney and Lola’s eyes are still on him, their excited questioning ongoing, but he feels like he’s under water, like everything is muffled and blurry – like he’s drowning.

And then he feels Ben’s eyes on him.

He looks up to see him hovering by the open doorway, a look of uncertainty on his face.

“What’s going on in here then?” he asks, steady eyes on Callum.

Lola sing-songs, “Callum’s got a boyfriend!” and Whitney giggles, swatting lightly at Lola’s arm.

“Shush! He hasn’t got a boyfriend! Look, the message says he needs to stop pretending and take a chance! That means he hasn’t got a boyfriend _yet_. But you will, won’t you, Callum?”

Callum drags his eyes away from Ben and turns to Whitney.

“I, uh – "

“Course he will!” Lola grins. “I mean, I don’t get the comic thing personally but you’re into that, aren’t you? And this guy obviously knows that. I think it’s sweet. Who is he?”

“Um…..” He looks back to Ben who is watching him carefully. “I uh – I, I can’t.”

He rushes out of the kitchen, striding passed Ben as he does, the sound of Lola and Whitney calling after him. There’s a commotion as they follow him, Lola telling Whitney to stay there but Callum doesn’t stop, can’t stop, and he makes his way out of the flat.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Callum! Callum, wait!”

He’s striding away from the accommodation block now, no idea of where he’s heading. Lola has been hot on his heels ever since he left the flat but his pace is quicker and he’s making headway.

“Go back to the flat, Lo,” he calls back.

“Not until I know you’re alright!”

“I’m fine!”

There’s quickening footsteps coming nearer and suddenly Lola grasps onto the sleeve of his hoodie and spins him around.

“You’re a rubbish liar,” she breathes heavily.

He shakes her off, sighing when he realises that she's only going to keep following him. Moving across to a nearby bench, he sits down in surrender. Lola goes along with him, dropping down beside him.

“What was all that about?” she prompts, nudging him with her elbow. He shakes his head, no answers he can possibly give. “Callum, who is this guy? Is it Simon? Has he – has he been putting pressure on you or something?”

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s not Simon.” He hasn’t even spoken to Simon since the night they bumped into each other in the club.

“Well then, who is it?”

He looks out into the distance towards their accommodation block and thinks of Ben; wonders what he's doing right now.

“Can we please just not talk about this?” he pleads, turning back to Lola. She looks torn for a moment but eventually gives up, nodding her head a little in silent acceptance. “You should go back inside. It’s cold.” The January weather is bitter and she’s only wearing a thin pair of leggings and a short sleeved top.

“I don’t want to leave you out here,” she says.

“I’ll be fine. Honestly. I just need…..” He doesn’t know what he needs. She seems to understand though and comfortingly places a hand at his shoulder before standing up and heading back towards the flat.

Callum watches her walk away and then turns his eyes towards the building once more, fixing his gaze on one of the windows on the first floor. Beyond that window is a table and on that table is a comic. A comic that Ben has somehow managed to find for him knowing what it would mean.

He looks down at the post-it note that is still in his hand and reads the words again.

_‘Callum – I don’t want to keep pretending. Take a chance with me?’_

There were other ways for Ben to get his attention. He didn’t have to do this. And yet, he chose to leave this note in a place where anyone could read it for a reason. There’s a mix of emotions running through his veins but mostly it's anger that he feels. He wants to confront Ben about this and find out exactly what he’s playing at. But he can't. The moment he steps foot into the flat all eyes will be on him.  
  
He shivers against the cold wind and then pulls his phone out of his pocket and types out a message.

_12:11_  
_I’ll be out for a couple of hours. Get everyone over to the SU for drinks after lunch and then meet me back at the flat._

Standing from the bench, he turns in the direction of the canteen. He can waste a couple of hours in there until Ben gets everyone out of the flat.

His phone buzzes and he opens the response from Ben.

_12:14_  
_How am I meant to do that? Looks a bit suspicious._

Damn it, Ben.

_12:14_  
_Use your imagination.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_

Returning to the flat later on that day, Callum is glad to find it empty. Ben had messaged him to let him know that everyone had gone over to the SU and that he’d stick around for a couple of drinks before making a disappearance.

Callum walks towards the comic that is still sitting on top of the kitchen table. He traces his fingers across it gently as if it will evaporate under his touch. The front cover is smooth and cool to touch and very real. He still can’t work out how Ben managed to get his hands on this. If he found a copy online it would have been selling for hundreds of pounds if not more, the rarity of the item increasing it’s worth. Ben surely doesn’t have that amount of money and if he does then it must be from something illegal.

He shudders at the thought but picks up the comic anyway and takes it to his bedroom, putting it down on the shelf next to the rest of his stack whilst he figures out what he's going to do next.

It’s a while before Ben comes back to the flat. When he does, he heads straight for Callum’s room, walking through the doorway and throwing his keys down onto the desk.

“I’m here,” he says expectantly. “So, getting everyone out of the flat? Are you going to shag my brains out or are you about to give me the third degree because I know which option I’d prefer.”

Callum stands from where he’s been sitting on the bed and reaches for the comic, slapping it down onto the desk in front of them.

“You wanna tell me what the hell this is about?”

Ben stares down at it and raises his eyebrows. “Well, I mean, I haven’t read it and even if I had I wouldn’t wanna spoil it for you.”

“Don’t play games with me, Ben.”

“Who’s playing games? It’s the right one, yeah?”

“It’s – yeah,” he stutters. “But how did you even…..Do you know how rare this is?”

“Given the effort it took to find it, yeah, I do.” Ben crosses his arms, getting annoyed now. “You wanna tell me what the problem is? Because I’ve just had to drag the girls over to the SU under the pathetic excuse of wanting to watch Jay while he works only to do a vanishing act half an hour later. So, go on. Lay into me if that’s what this is.”

Ignoring Ben’s attitude, he asks the one question he’s been wanting to know since this morning. “Why leave it on the table for anyone to see?”

“I don’t know, Callum. Maybe I thought it’d be a push in the right direction. That if people knew you were involved with someone then you’d feel a bit more laid back about not keeping this a secret anymore. Fuck knows what made me think that though. I should’ve known you’d react like this!”

How did Ben expect him to react? Callum has told him so many times that he wants them to remain a secret, that it’s the best thing for both of them that they do. No good can come from anyone knowing. Why doesn’t Ben understand that?

“Why are you so insistent about us telling people? We’re not in a relationship, Ben. It doesn’t matter what it means to either of us; it can’t work!”

Ben stills. “So I was right? It _does_ mean something to you too?”

He turns away, as if not being able to see Ben will block the question. It doesn’t. Ben moves around him, grabbing hold of his hoodie and bringing them together, their chests pressing close to each other.

“Callum, look at me,” he implores. “Tell me. Tell me this means something to you too.”

But Callum can’t. He feels the sudden sting of tears and he _can’t_ cry about this!

“Feel what you feel, Callum”.

He blinks back the tears and pushes Ben away in anger. “Why? Why should I risk getting my heart broken when the next bloke comes along? Why should I risk getting involved in your messed up life when you’ve already said you can’t break away from it? Why should I do that, eh?”

“Because I’m falling in love with you, alright?” Ben shouts, the words stopping both of them in their tracks. His shoulders sag as if he’s being drained of energy and he exhales loudly.

Callum watches him, eyes wide and startled as Ben staggers back towards the bed and drops down onto it, putting his head in his hands. The bedroom is silent, like a moment frozen in time. He can’t think, he can’t move, he can’t do anything other than keep his eyes fixed on Ben whilst the sound of his heart beats rapidly in his own ears.

“Do you have any idea what that’s like? How scary it is?” Ben asks quietly, head still in his hands.

Becoming aware of how dry his lips have become, Callum licks at them and tries to swallow on the lump that has formed in his throat. “I thought – I thought this was just sex.”  
  
It’s a stupid thing to say. As much as he’s tried to tell himself that for weeks, he knows it’s started to become something much more even though he’s been denying it to himself.

“I told you it was starting to mean something.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think….” He stops then knowing that in reality he’d purposely chosen not to think anything at all. He’d pushed the very idea of it away and has avoided it every time it has been brought up since.  
  
Ben nods and he moves his hands away from his face but keeps his eyes on the floor. “You thought I was just making it up,” he says disappointedly.

“No, course not,” Callum argues. “I just – "

“I’ve never been in a proper relationship before, Callum. I don’t have a clue about that sort of stuff. I tried to do the dating thing before uni but I was so used to the casual hook ups that the dates never got very far. Nothing’s ever been…..” he pauses in thought, “like this. Nothing's ever - " He breaks off again and then says, "I told you this was starting to mean something to me but I think it probably always has.”

Ben’s eyes meet his and Callum can’t look away. He tries to make sense of what Ben is telling him but he’s still reeling from the discovery that Ben is falling in love with him. Ben must see the confusion on his face because he sighs and goes on to explain.

“I’ve never slept with the same person more than once. Not really. Nothing that can properly be counted anyway. So, I guess it must have meant something to me back then otherwise I wouldn’t have slept with you again. I just didn’t realise it at the time.”

Callum’s head is spinning with everything Ben is saying and he thinks back to the first time they had slept together on the night of Jay’s party and how normal Ben has acted around him in the days that followed. Ben had obviously had no interest in him after that.

As if reading his mind, Ben adds, “That night we went out, we were in that club and I saw you with that bloke and it just, it made my skin crawl. I shouldn’t have jumped in when I did but….I guess I was jealous, alright?”

There’s a loud shrill of a ringtone and Ben reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. The ringing ends with a swipe of his thumb. He’s declined the call.

“I always thought labels were pointless,” he says, looking down at the phone in his hand, “but I don’t think calling you my boyfriend would be so bad.”

Boyfriend.

Callum freezes at the word. The thought of being Ben’s boyfriend is crazy. It’s reckless. It’s downright dangerous. There’s a flutter in his stomach anyway.

“Sometimes I just wanna be able to kiss you, or just, like, touch you without having to think about if anyone else is around,” Ben says, looking up again. “The way I feel about you Callum, I want everyone to know about it even though I can understand why you don’t. And this isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I’m not the type who says shit like this but god, I don’t know how else to make you see.”

Ben’s phone lights up as it rings again.

“Fuck's sake,” Ben mutters, answering the call this time and bringing the phone to his ear. “What?” he snaps into the receiver. Callum can hear what sounds like shouting down the line and he winces. “Just wait, yeah? Two minutes.” Ben ends the call and stands up looking regretful. “I’ve got to deal with this.”

“It’s fine,” Callum says because he doesn’t have any other words. Maybe they both need a bit of a breather.

“If you wanna pretend like I never said anything, we can do that.”

He shakes his head and surprises himself when he says, “I don’t.”

It would be easier if they could act as if the whole conversation hasn’t happened but it’s too late for that now. They’re already in the depths of dark and rough waters, both fighting to get back to shore. There’s no way it can be undone.

Ben nods. “Okay. We’ll talk later then.”

He doesn’t wait for a response, already heading out of the door and as he goes, Callum can hear the sound of his voice as he makes a phone call and leaves the flat. Callum is left all alone.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He sits for a long time and tries to wrap his head around everything that has just happened. Ben telling him he’s never been in a relationship before, telling him he's never slept with the same person more than once, telling him that _boyfriend_ wouldn’t sound so bad almost as if that’s something he’s pictured for the two of them. And then there’s the biggest revelation that Ben had dealt him with; that he’s falling _in love_. In _love_. _Love_.

Love is too deep, too serious, too much to properly put into words. Love is something that Ben is saying he’s starting to feel. Love. After mere months of casual sex and the odd conversation or cuddle. Ben is falling in love with him.

It doesn’t make sense.

Only it’s true. Ben wouldn’t lie about something like that. Callum had seen how uncomfortable he had been afterwards. How he’d hidden his head in his hands as if he had wanted to disappear.

He thinks back to the first time, the second time, the third and the fourth and tries to compare them all. Tries to look for clues that something more was happening for Ben. Ben had told him he liked to be the one in control and how he’d willingly given some of that up for Callum. He thinks back to the way Ben's hands had clung to him in desperation, how he’d urged Callum on, a need for more and more. He thinks about the gentle touches that began over time, the soft brushes of skin on skin as they basked in the afterglow, the calm that enveloped them and the warm laughter that filled the darkness of their bedrooms.

Had Ben been falling all that time? Or has it crept up on him and been as much of a shock to him as well?

Callum thinks about his own feelings but it’s like fanning the flames of a fire that is already getting out of control.

There’s a knock on his door which makes him jump. He hadn’t heard anyone return to the flat and he wonders how long he’s been sitting here for.

“Uh, come in,” he calls out, clearing his throat.

The door opens and Whitney pokes her head through the gap, smiling a little as she sees him.

“You’re back,” she says softly. “You okay?”

Callum nods and asks, “Where is everyone?” even though he already knows.

“Jay’s working behind the bar. I’ve just been over there with Lola and thought I’d leave them to it. You fancy watching a film or something?”

“Uh, no, not really, no.”

She hovers in the doorway and then pushes the door open further and steps into the room. “So, Marvel, eh?” she comments, picking up the comic from the desk and coming to sit down on the bed next to him. “Is it any good?”

Callum forces a smile of his own. “Well, I think so. Not to everyone’s tastes though.”

“And this one? What is it about this one?”

He shrugs. He could tell her all about Thor and about how rare this particular comic is and about his love of Marvel in general but he doesn’t think she’s really here to make light conversation about imaginary characters living in fantasy worlds.

“There must be something about it otherwise why would that mystery bloke of yours give you it?” Callum remains silent, choosing not to provide Whitney with an answer until she says, “It’s Ben, isn’t it?”

“What? No, no, course not,” he starts denying, feeling alarmed at Whitney’s suggestion, but then he sighs as he realises there’s no point. She knows.

As he closes his eyes, Whitney is resolute when she repeats, “It’s Ben. Isn’t it?” He nods in response, too exhausted after weeks – no, _months_ – of trying to hide it. “Oh, Callum. Why?”

But he doesn’t know why. It’s something he’s asked himself so many times and he doesn’t have any answers. He feels wet tears trickle down his face and goes to wipe them as she reaches out and puts her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

And Callum lets it all out. All the doubt and the fear and feeling of losing himself and all that he knows. All the confusion and months of battling against his own mind as he’s tried and failed to stay away from Ben each and every time.

Afterwards, when there’s no more tears left to cry, he moves away and wipes at his cheeks.

“How did you work it out?” he croaks, throat wrecked from his sobs.

She cocks her head to the side in thought. “Well, I didn't know for sure until today and even then it took Ben dragging us over to the SU for me to put the pieces together. But it makes sense. Finding you both hiding away in the shower that day was odd and then you disappeared off home afterwards which was even weirder. And then on the night you came back and we were talking, the moment Ben came in you changed. I could see it was something to do with him even though you tried to tell me it wasn’t. But there’s other stuff as well that I’ve noticed. Little things." She frowns, shaking her head at the memories. "I’d convinced myself I was making it up. And then the comic was there today with that note for you and I thought I must have been wrong all along - that you must have met someone. But then we went over to the SU with Ben and I got to thinking, how did that comic end up on our kitchen table if this mystery man of yours is someone from outside the flat, you know?”

He hadn’t thought about that but of course, it makes sense. Why else would the comic be there unless someone had moved it from the front door? Even then, they wouldn’t have left it on the kitchen table like that. It makes sense that Whitney would come to the conclusion that it came from someone in the flat and he can only wonder if Lola has realised the same thing and simply chosen not to say anything.

“Do you love him?” she asks, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“No,” he tells her honestly, “but, I don’t know, I feel _something_ for him.” He pauses and then adds, “He said he was falling in love with me earlier.”

Voicing the words out loud sends a shiver down his spine. It still doesn’t seem real. Love. Ben falling in love with him.

Whitney scoffs. “Ben Mitchell? In love? Yeah, right!”

“You don’t know him like I do, Whit,” he responds automatically before recognising that it’s true. It’s a cliché saying but she really doesn’t know him. Not the sides he’s seen to Ben anyway.

“Okay,” she nods, though it’s clear that she's sceptical. “So how’s this going to work long term? I mean, that note about taking a chance, what does that mean?”

He sighs and tells her everything then. Tells her about how they’re not in a relationship, tells her about how they’ve just been sleeping together and how nothing was ever supposed to come from it, tells her about how hard he tried to stay away and how impossible it was.

“If you can’t stay away from him, Callum, then maybe you need to change tack,” Whitney tells him when he's finished.

“What d’you mean?”

“Well I hate to say it because I don’t want to encourage a relationship between you two but if you can’t stay away from him then you at least need to know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. You need to find out about Ben’s involvement with that family of his. Find out what he gets up to when he’s not here.”

He shakes his head. “But I don’t want to know that stuff. I don’t want to be involved in all of that.”

“You need to know though, Callum,” she insists. “You might not want to but you need to. Because you don’t know what’s gonna happen. And if you can’t stay away from Ben then the least you deserve is the truth about that part of his life. Don’t choose to be blind to it and pretend that those things aren’t happening, because they are. If you can’t stay away then you at least need to protect yourself so that you’re not one day blindsided.”

He listens to her words. She’s being firm with him and he realises that maybe this is what he needs – some direction. She doesn’t like the fact that he’s been hooking up with Ben and she’s not pretending to, but she’s being honest with him and trying to give him advice on the best way to move forwards and he’s grateful for it. He appreciates it.

And she’s right. He _does_ need to know that side to Ben because wherever they go from here, and at this point in time he still isn’t sure where that is, knowing everything may help him to figure it all out.

He nods at her and squeezes her hand and she squeezes back, offering him a smile which he returns. He feels lighter now, knowing what he needs to do.

He needs to find how much of a Mitchell Ben really is.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kudos and comments left on the last chapter! I'm so glad Ben's gift to Callum and his subsequent confession was enjoyed :) This chapter follows on in the aftermath of that confession. I've taken the liberty of taking certain storylines from canon in this chapter and having a play around with them to create something to fit this Ben's timeline. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Seventeen  
  
  
  
  
**

It’s late. Callum has been sitting in his bedroom for hours going over all the things he wants to ask Ben and questioning whether or not he’s even prepared for the answers he might get in return. He still doesn’t want to know what Ben does with his family, the thought of it making him shudder. But his conversation with Whitney lingers with him and he knows that the only way forward for either of them is to find out about the side of Ben that has always been hidden from him. If he doesn’t, he’ll remain stuck in a rut, going around and around in circles as he sleeps with Ben and they continue to argue over the secrecy of it.

Although, now that he's thinking about it, he doesn't think that getting into bed with Ben so casually would even be the same anymore. After Ben’s revelation earlier that he was in love with Callum (he still hasn’t been able to wrap his head around it) and the indication that he wanted them to be something more, Callum doubts either of them could ignore it and go back to normal. Whatever their normal is. He doesn’t want to ignore it anyway.

Ben hadn’t returned to the flat until earlier that evening. Callum only knows because he’d heard him talking to Jay out in the hallway before their voices had been muffled as they had gone into the kitchen, the door closing behind them and effectively stopping Callum from listening in to their conversation. He had stayed in his bedroom deciding it was better not to spend the evening in the kitchen himself as he usually would. He didn’t want to be forced into a game of pretense whilst Jay and Lola remained oblivious about what was going on. And he didn’t want to have Whitney’s eyes on him as he engaged with Ben and the rest of the group in easy chatter as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.

So he’d waited in his bedroom, listening out as one by one each of his flatmates had gone to bed. And now the flat is quiet and he thinks it’s been just enough time for everyone to be asleep. He checks his phone but there’s no message from Ben. Not that Callum has sent him one either but he thought he might have heard something from him since his return to the flat. There’s been nothing.

It occurs to him that Ben himself might be asleep and he almost talks himself out of going to him so as to not wake him up. But he knows if he doesn’t then he’ll only spend the rest of the night lying awake with thoughts plaguing his mind.

When he’s satisfied that the flat is silent, Callum quietly leaves the room and moves down the hallway towards Ben’s bedroom. He listens in for a moment at the door before pressing down on the handle and pushing it open.

The room beyond is empty when he walks in but there’s a sliver of light coming from the en-suite and he can hear shuffling coming from inside. Sitting down on the bed, Callum decides to wait knowing that Ben won’t mind that he’s let himself in.

When Ben appears no more than a minute later, he’s rubbing a towel over his wet hair, the strands sticking up in all directions. He looks surprised to see Callum there and Callum can’t help but drag his eyes down over Ben’s bare chest which is still wet from the shower. He swallows thickly, grateful that Ben has at least donned a pair of shorts before leaving the en-suite. The last thing they need is to be distracted by sex right now and if Ben were fully undressed, Callum doesn't think he's be able to restrain himself.

Meeting Ben’s eyes again he sees there’s a small smile on his face but there’s a look of uncertainty beyond that would go unnoticed if it weren’t for the fact that Callum is getting better at reading him.  
  
“You okay?” Ben asks, towel hanging at his side and hair now forgotten about.

He gathers up the small amount of confidence he'd felt after talking to Whitney earlier and takes a deep breath. “You said we’d talk later,” he answers. “Thought maybe we could now?”

Ben nods, throwing the towel onto the desk and sitting down on the bed beside him. “You wanna start? I understand if you’ve got questions. What I said, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I don’t really do.....emotions and stuff.”

Callum knows that on the contrary, Ben has a lot of emotions. He just likes to hide them from everyone else. But his earlier admission of falling for Callum isn’t the reason Callum is here.

“I need to know about your family,” he says, getting straight to the point whilst he still has the confidence to do so.

Ben looks at him quizzically. “I thought you didn’t want to be involved?”

“I don’t. But I don’t see any way that this - whatever this is - can move forwards if I don’t know about them. You want something more from this but I can’t say the same whilst I’m still in the dark about that part of your life. And it’s a big part of your life, Ben.”

There’s silence for a while and Ben looks down at the floor, his teeth chewing at his bottom lip as he thinks.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Callum,” he says eventually. “I can’t tell you about all the stuff that goes on because – I just can’t, alright? But the stuff you’ve read in the papers or wherever, they’re true. Maybe over-dramatic or sensationalised to sell a story, but there’s truth to them. There’s no point me telling you it’s all lies and my family are a bunch of saints because they’re not and you wouldn’t believe me anyway. So yeah,” he admits, “it’s all true, but the media blows things out of proportion a lot.”

“Your uncle’s in prison for attempted murder,” Callum says bluntly, feeling as if that is something that can’t possibly be blown out of proportion.

Ben sighs in frustration, getting defensive. “Yeah, well, it weren’t that long ago you told me your brother had been inside so he’s no angel either by the sound of it.”

Callum bites at his tongue to hold back a response. Stuart has done some despicable things in his time but he’d never try to kill someone. But arguing about it isn’t going to get them anywhere.

“The stuff I’ve read about, the stuff about the robberies and the drug smuggling and the money laundering, they’re all things I can’t imagine you being part of. But you must be, right? I mean, what are you doing when you’re not here? When you’re missing lectures or you’re out all night? What are you doing?”

“Why’d you wanna know all of a sudden?” Ben spits out angrily, standing and pacing across the room. “Why all these questions?”

“Because if you want anything to come from this, with us, then I have to know,” Callum explains again, his tone calm in a bid not to rile Ben even more. Jay is very likely asleep at the other side of the bedroom wall but it wouldn’t take much more of Ben’s anger to wake him.

“Maybe I’ve been out fucking some other bloke,” he snarls in response. “Maybe he gives it to me better than you do. Maybe I’m just having my fun with both of you because I know you can’t resist and I get a kick out of it. Ever thought about that? Could be a string of blokes for all you know.”

Callum shakes his head. “That’s not true. If it was, you’d have told me by now. You’d have told me that night I called you out on it,” he says, thinking back to the night in the launderette when Ben had reiterated that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone else. “If it was true, you wouldn’t have said that stuff earlier today about your feelings and stuff. If it was true – "

“Oh, you know what, Callum? You think you know shit and you don’t! Just do us both a favour and fuck off, yeah?”

Callum jumps at the slam of the door as Ben goes back into the en-suite. It’s a stupid decision on Ben's part because instead of making an escape out of the flat which would have been a wiser move, he's now got himself trapped. If Callum were to take the easier option, he would return to his own room and wait for Ben to cool down. Maybe he would even accept that Ben wasn't going to give him any answers and pretend he had never asked. But he's fed up of running away. It's all he's been doing for months and Whitney has made him realise that he can't do that anymore. And so, Callum makes a decision there and then, getting comfy on the bed as he prepares to wait for Ben to come back out.

He knows Ben well enough to know that he is lying and being defensive because he doesn’t like the questions being asked of him. But why? He may not be the kind of person to be open about his family and Callum can understand that there are probably things that he's unwilling to say so that he doesn't implicate Callum in anything. But neither of those things would cause Ben to be so defensive about this. So why is he?

Ben still hasn’t come out of the en-suite several minutes later. Callum realises that he could sit here all night and Ben still wouldn't come out. He's stubborn. And so he sighs, pushing himself off the bed and making a move towards the en-suite. If Ben won't come to him, then he'll go to Ben. He opens the door to see Ben on the other side, his back turned and his head bowed as he leans against the sink. Callum can't see his face but he does see the way Ben flinches when he enters and the way his back becomes tense.

“What are you so scared of?” Callum asks softly, the question similar to the ones Ben has asked him in the past. It’s not surprising when he doesn’t get a response. “I don’t know how we got here when all we were ever meant to be was just a few casual hook up’s, but somehow we’ve let each other in a bit, haven’t we? We didn’t plan to but we have. And yeah, it’s scary, I know. I'm scared too. This whole time I haven’t let myself think about what could happen because of who your family are, but I’m asking you to share that with me now.” He stops to think before adding, “I’ll walk away if you want. We can be done with all this. But I don’t think it is what you want.”

In all honesty, it’s not what Callum wants either. It would be a lot easier if he could walk away, if he could put a stop to whatever they have become and pretend it never happened. But it’s too late for that now – several months too late. Somehow he’s become attached to Ben in a way he thought he never would be and it certainly wasn’t something he ever wanted for himself. But it’s happened and whilst he still can't think of them as being something more than what they are right now, he knows that if only Ben would open up to him then maybe he’d be more ready to consider their options.

Ben looks up, their eyes meeting in the reflection of the mirror. There's a hardened expression on his face, darker than anything Callum has ever seen from him before.

“Do you maybe wanna _stop_ with the psychoanalysis, Callum?” Ben growls, the words sounding loud to his ears as they bounce off the walls of the tiny en-suite.

“That’s not what I’m – "

“Yeah, you are,” Ben nods. “And it doesn’t even matter because you’re gonna walk away anyway.” Callum frowns but says nothing. “You wanna know about me and my family, Callum? Ask your questions if you want but I can promise you, you won’t like any of the answers.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They end up back on the bed, their legs hanging over the edge with their backs against the wall. Ben has thrown his duvet over their laps and has put on a hoodie to ward off the cold temperature in the room. He’s calmer now, less defensive, but his expression is still hard, his jaw set, and it’s making Callum feel nervous.

“You sure you still wanna know?” Ben asks, eyes firmly fixed ahead of him on the opposite wall.

 _No_. “Yeah,” he responds anyway.

“Go on then. Ask.”

Callum wasn’t expecting that and now that Ben is giving him permission he realises that all the questions he had just five minutes ago are lodged in his throat and he doesn’t know where to start.

“Have you…..Have you ever hurt anyone before?” he asks because it’s one thing to be breaking the law and engaging in criminal activity which is a given for the Mitchell’s, but the thought of someone getting hurt because of it isn’t something he can imagine Ben being capable of and he’s keen to rule it out.

“In what way?”

“In any way. Physically I suppose.”

Ben’s silence sends a wave of nausea through him and he prepares himself for the worst.

“You know once you know this stuff you can’t unknow it, right?” Callum clenches his fists but he nods and waits for Ben to continue. “I’ve been inside,” Ben says finally. “Prison. Well, it was Young Offenders but it’s practically the same thing.”

Callum continues to press his fingers into the palm of his hand, his nails blunt against his skin. “Why?”

“GBH. It was a few years ago now. Some lad got too big for his boots so I clobbered him over the head with a spanner.” The way he says it is so nonchalant and Callum starts to feel sick, his stomach churning. “I taught him a valid life lesson that day – move when you’re about to get attacked.”

“How can you joke about that?”

“It’s my life,” Ben shrugs. “It might not be everyone else’s normal but it’s my normal.”

Somehow that makes it worse. The thought of this being so normal to Ben that he can joke about it sends a flash of fear through Callum and he wonders what else Ben is capable of.

“Have you done anything else?”

Ben nods. “Been involved in the background of shifting some gear, robberies, that sort of thing.”

“You’re eighteen!” How has someone as young as the two of them had to be involved in this kind of stuff? Callum wasn’t naïve enough to believe he wouldn’t have had any involvement whatsoever but hearing how Ben talks about it, as if it’s nothing out of the ordinary, makes Callum question just how long he’s been taking part in these things.

Ben shrugs again. “That’s nothing.”

Callum’s palms feel clammy and he becomes aware of just how uncomfortable he is with the wall behind him and the edge of the bed digging into the back of his legs, but he can’t move, _daren’t_ move.  
  
He imagines Ben as a child getting roped into carrying out a task without knowledge of its true nature. He imagines a pleased Phil Mitchell watching his son getting his hands dirty without knowing what was happening and without understanding the implications. He remembers the conversation he had with Ben after they returned to university just a few weeks ago. Ben had said he hadn’t been trusted with the big jobs after messing up too many times and Callum imagines a boy who tried to make his father proud and who tried to fit in with a world that he deemed to be normal.

“What does that mean?” he whispers unable to get the words out any louder. Ben remains quiet for a long time and Callum sees his face become solemn. When he eventually looks up, their eyes meeting for the first time since the conversation began, Callum can see tears already making tracks down one of Ben’s cheeks and he’s suddenly terrified of the answer.

Ben draws his knees up under the duvet and wraps his arms around them. He looks so small and Callum wants to reach out to him but there’s something stopping him. Whatever Ben is about to tell him, it has to be worse than the GBH if he’s crying. Doesn’t it?

“I was involved in a robbery,” Ben starts, eyes downwards. “Some rich Irish family. The Macquire’s they were called. It was all over the news at the beginning of last year so you might’ve seen it.”

Callum tries to recall such an incident but it’s not as if he’s been keeping tabs on every story to hit the news. It surprises him to learn that this is something that happened just over a year ago and that whatever it is, it’s bad enough that it’s making Ben look as small as he does.

“There was this huge house we had to rob,” Ben continues. “My dad set it all up with some of his mates and when he asked me to go along with him I said yeah because it was a big deal, you know? I wanted to prove myself. Prove I could do it.”

“So, your dad wanted to get his hands on the Macquire’s money?” Callum guesses.

“No, it weren’t about that. It weren’t about money. It was about settling an old score or something. The money was just a bonus. Anyway, it was planned down to the last detail and when the Macquire’s went away on holiday, we swooped in. We thought the house would be empty.” There’s a pause and Callum stays quiet this time, hearing the way Ben sniffs from beside him. “The cleaner was there. I was upstairs in the bedroom and there was this drawer full of jewelry and stuff and then suddenly the cleaner walked in and she saw me.” Ben draws himself in further, maintaining his hold around his knees.

He’s shaking.  
  
“I panicked. Grabbed the nearest thing and hit her over the head with it. It was only supposed to knock her out but there was so much blood and…….” Callum turns to look at Ben properly, sees the tears making their way down his cheek as he whispers, “She was dead.”

Callum tastes bile in the back of his throat and his vision blurs as his own eyes sting with tears. There’s a lot that he should want to ask but he suddenly feels numb. What Ben is telling him is true but it doesn’t feel real. Ben Mitchell, who had confidently waltzed into the flat on their first day of university back in September had, just nine months previously, been the cause of someone’s death. Ben Mitchell, a man who he’s been sleeping with and developing feelings for despite trying so desperately not to, is someone who has blood on his hands. He’s _killed_ someone.

And yet, the man sitting beside him now with his whole body shaking and tears making tracks down his cheeks and who looks like a lost little boy, he’s someone that Callum can’t turn away from. He should be running. He should be off of the bed and out of the room right now but he can’t move. He can feel the warmth of Ben’s body against his own, a sign that they’ve moved closer to each other during this conversation without realising it.

All Callum can do is watch him as he tries to imagine this Ben being the result of a life lost.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” Ben says, his voice cracking. “I just panicked and the next thing I knew she was on the floor." He lets out a stuttered breath. "And that was it. I can’t remember what happened next. Dad got his mates to deal with the body and the robbery didn’t go ahead. Everything got put back as it was found ‘cause Dad didn’t wanna risk anything coming back on us. It would’ve been easy to make it look like a robbery gone wrong, which is basically what it was, but Macquire would’ve pointed the finger our way as soon as he found her dead. It was easier to get rid. The next time I saw her it was her picture on the news. It was everywhere I looked. Heather Trott she was called. She was there every time I turned on the TV, every time I walked into a shop and passed the newspapers, every time I closed my eyes. She had this whole life and I took it away.”

Heather.

Callum recognises the name, an image forming in his head of a woman with curly hair and a flowery t-shirt and a smiley face. He remembers the image that Ben is talking about. It had circled the media for a while. She’d been reported missing – the mother of a young child.

But she’s not missing. She never was. She’s dead.

Another wave of nausea hits him and he realises that his cheeks are damp now.

“After that I was too much of a liability,” Ben adds, swiping a hand across his own cheek. “It was my chance to prove myself and I failed. And I – I knew what I’d done. For months all I could see was her face in my head every night when I went to sleep. All I could think – " He sighs and shakes his head. “That’s why my dad was happy to see the back of me when I came here. He didn’t like the thought of me applying to uni before then but after that day, after Heather, he was glad to get me out of the way. And it meant I couldn’t be involved in the heavy stuff anymore either. So now I just get odd jobs. I think I’ve told you before, but I’m mostly just a messenger now” Ben scoffs. “But as I said, I can never properly break away from him even if I am a liability. I know too much. Dad can’t risk any of it coming out.”

Callum waits for Ben to continue but nothing ever comes. He wonders if there’s anything more that Ben has been involved with simply because of who he is but decides that nothing can be worse than this. Ben has opened up to him just as Callum had asked him to and he’s told him what Callum can only imagine is the worst thing he has ever done. He can’t ignore Ben’s honesty with him but at the same time, he has no idea what to do now that he has it.

“You not got anything to say?” Ben asks when the silence drags out between them.

And that’s the thing. Callum doesn’t. He feels speechless.

“That a no then?”

Callum turns his eyes back to Ben who’s staring at him now.

“I……” He what? There’s no words to fill in the blanks. “I think – " But no, that’s going nowhere either.

He feels stilted when he shifts, his body moving rigidly but of it’s own accord as the duvet gets pushed aside. He’s standing before he has chance to question it, his thought processes sluggish and jumbled. Ben’s eyes are still on him and they look at each other for a moment before Callum is turning away, his heart yelling at him to _stay, stay, stay_ , but his legs carrying him out of the room and back to his own.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s silly to try and sleep. Even with his duvet huddled tightly around him, he’s still cold, his body shivering a little. His thoughts are running wild too with everything Ben has told him but he always comes back to thoughts of the woman whose life was taken.

Given his upbringing, Callum had been sure nothing could ever shock him. He was sure that nothing Ben could say would ever shock him to the point where he felt so lost. The attack on the boy that had landed Ben in a Young Offenders Institution came as a surprise but Callum thinks he probably could have wrapped his head around that. The thought of Ben physically hurting someone makes him feel sick but he's sure he could have accepted it and moved on without giving it any further thought. But that attack pales in comparison to the house robbery last year that was carried out on the McGee’s. Or the McGregor’s. Or the Maguire’s. Whatever they were called.

Ben killed someone. Someone is dead because of Ben’s actions. He’s a murderer.

 _No_ , he tells himself. It wasn’t murder. It was an accident. Ben was lured into something he shouldn’t have been at the hands of his family, and it’s because he’s nothing like them that he had panicked. He’s got a good heart. He’s not cold. He’s not dangerous. Once upon a time he had felt differently but since starting to get to know him properly, Callum has seen how warm and gentle Ben is.

Even now that he knows what Ben has done, Callum isn’t afraid of the man in the bedroom at the opposite end of the hallway. He’s not on the phone to the police right now or waking up the rest of the flat to warn them that they’re living with a criminal. Because the man at the end of the hallway isn’t a man at all. He’s a boy. He’s just a boy. He’s a boy who has done some terrible things and it’s clear to Callum that Ben is still haunted by those things.

Callum feels like a boy himself and he’s not felt this young in a long time. He’s grown up looking after himself, never sheltered, always aware of the bad in this world. But what Ben has told him is beyond comprehension and he’s having a hard time making sense of it and the thought of Ben actually living it is something else entirely.

He thinks back to the beginning of their conversation and Ben’s nonchalance in the way he talked. It was unsympathetic, heartless almost, and it had made Callum wonder whether Ben had perhaps become desensitised simply by being brought up in a family where such things are the norm.

But then when he’d talked about that woman, Heather, it had been clear that he obviously still felt _something_. And being usympathetic and heartless isn’t who Ben is. Ben is someone who feels a lot but doesn’t know how to show it so he keeps it contained until he can’t any longer. And then it comes out in the way it has tonight. Initially defensive, turning into something emotionless, and then eventually an outpouring of sadness and devastation and hurt.

That’s what happened tonight when he talked about Heather and Callum wonders whether Ben has had the chance to talk about that day since it happened or whether he’s been forced to keep it inside, locked up and hidden away. He very much doubts Phil Mitchell would have encouraged him to talk about it, especially if what Ben says is true about how Phil only saw him as a liability afterwards.

Callum sighs and rolls over onto his back. The room is still cold. Ben could be asleep right now but it’s more likely that he’s still awake. Does he regret being so open and honest? Or does he feel like a weight has been lifted?

Callum questions how he himself feels in the aftermath of their conversation. He’s still struggling to get his head around everything Ben has shared with him. It strikes him then that he now knows the details of a missing person’s case. The case may be closed now but Heather could have family or friends that long to hear news of her disappearance. At the very least, there is a young boy out there without a mother. He’ll never know what happened to her. But Callum knows. Callum knows and he could report it and if he doesn’t then that makes him just as bad as everyone else involved in this doesn’t it? But he doesn’t have any evidence and even if he did, he doesn’t think he could betray Ben like that.

He thinks about his conversation with Whitney earlier that day that has led him to where he is now. He knows now what Ben is capable of and there’s still a part of him that he can’t stay away from even despite all he has learned. He still wants Ben, he still feels something for him, and Ben has made it clear that he wants them to be more than what they are. But at the same time, he can’t pretend as if they never had the conversation. He can’t sweep it all under the carpet and forget that it’s there.

_“You’re gonna walk away anyway.”_

That’s what Ben had said and isn’t that what Callum did? He’d left the room as soon as Ben had told him everything because he hadn’t known what else to do. He’d walked away.

The cold seeps into his bones as he thinks about Ben at the end of the hallway. Callum doesn’t know where they go from here or what he’s supposed to do next. He thought finding out about Ben’s involvement with his family would bring him some clarity after Ben’s revelation that he was falling in love with him. But if anything, Callum just feels all the more confused. Because yes, he wants Ben, but in what world would that ever be possible? It seems even less attainable now than it did a few hours ago.

But he still wants.

Against his better judgment, he finds himself rolling out of the bed and leaving the room, his bare feet padding along the soft carpeting of the hallway until he reaches Ben’s bedroom again. After a moment, he pushes the door open, taking a moment to let his eyes adjust in the darkness.

In front of him, Ben sits up in bed. He’s awake then.

“What are you doing?” Ben whispers, sounding confused.

“I don’t know.”

He stands at the end of the bed for a moment. What else can he say? That he’s here? That he’s not going to walk away? He can’t tell Ben those things when he doesn’t know for sure how he’s going to feel in the morning, or next week, or next month for that matter. So instead, he says nothing and lets the silence fall between them again.

Ben pushes back the corner of the duvet and Callum climbs into the bed hoping that Ben will ask no questions.

“Can we just sleep?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Ben replies, pushing at Callum’s shoulder until Callum has turned his back on him. Callum frowns but then Ben’s arm is falling around him, pulling him in until his back is against Ben’s torso.

This is something else that’s new. Holding. Being held. There’s an intimacy about it.

Callum takes hold of Ben’s forearm, pressing closer and feels Ben squeeze him a little in return.

As he closes his eyes with the hope that it will at least bring him a little bit of sleep, he hears Ben whisper something behind him. It’s so quiet that he doesn’t know whether it’s meant for his own ears or not and he hates the way the words bring tears to his eyes once again.

He falls asleep with the words still in his head.

“I would never hurt you."


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for comments and kudos left on the last chapter! I was a bit nervous about posting that one so I really appreciate all the feedback.
> 
> Here they are on the other side of Ben's confession and it's the morning after the night before.
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Eighteen  
  
  
  
  
**

Ben is asleep beside him when Callum wakes. It takes a few seconds before he remembers the previous day and immediately wishes he could fall into a slumber again just for a couple more hours of forgetfulness. But the memory of yesterday makes it impossible for sleep to overcome him again and he slides out of bed, careful not to wake Ben, and heads back to his own room where he changes into a pair of jog pants and a hoodie. It was only yesterday that he went for a run but that feels like a long time ago now and he sees no harm in going for another one.

The cold air hits his face immediately and he makes the decision to set off on a different route than usual, choosing to run with the wind instead of against it. Even after sleep, he’s still no closer to deciding what he is to do about Ben. Ben is falling for him and he wants them to be something more – he wants Callum to take a chance. But Callum doesn’t know how it will ever be possible. As Ben has said, he’ll always be tied to his family and he can’t break away from them even if he wants to.

And then there’s everything he has learned from their conversation last night to consider. Callum isn’t scared of Ben and although he’d initially been perturbed and shaken at hearing that Ben has been responsible for another person’s death, he doesn't think it's something that would ever happen again. He'd seen how distressed Ben had become last night when talking about it and it's clear that the memory of it has tormented Ben since the day it happened. Callum doesn't think Ben would ever put himself into a dangerous situation like that again, not if it were to risk someone's life. Surely lessons have been learned. He believes in the Ben he saw beside him last night, the one filled with guilt and regret. Ben isn’t a bad person, he’s just grown up surrounded by bad things.

But that doesn't excuse what he did, does it? It doesn't change what happened or make it any easier to process. If anything, it's making it harder for Callum to get his head around it because he knows how soft and warm Ben can be, how gentle and kind he is, how _good_. But can he be in a relationship with Ben knowing what he knows now? It changes everything.

Maybe that’s another conversation he needs to have with Ben.

When he arrives back on campus almost an hour later and walks into the flat, he’s met with the sight of Ben in the hallway. There’s a scowl on his face but it fades when he sees Callum. Taking a deep breath, Callum nods his head sideways in the direction of Ben’s bedroom door and walks into the room. Ben follows, letting the door close behind them.

“You been for a run?” Ben asks, leaning against the wall uncertainly.

“Yeah.”

“Thought you must have left in the night.”

Callum shakes his head. “No. Just woke early.” He traces his fingers absentmindedly along the top of the desk, casting his eyes down as he considers what to say next. He’s brought Ben in here for a reason. Now he just needs to voice it. From his stance across the room, it’s clear that Ben is expecting the words too. “I wish I knew what to say. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around yesterday.”

“Which part?” Ben questions, but he must know.

“All of it, I guess. One minute you were telling me you were falling in love with me and the next I was finding out that you’ve been inside for GBH and that you’ve killed someone.” He doesn’t mean to be so blunt about it and feels guilty when he sees Ben hang his head. “I’m not – I’m not having a go. I’m just struggling with it.”

Ben nods. “So this is the bit where you walk away, right?”

“No,” Callum says, causing Ben to look up at him again in surprise. “I’m not walking away. I just – You asked me to take a chance and I don’t know how to do that.”

Pushing away from the wall, Ben approaches him, stopping when they meet. “We can figure it out together. It doesn’t have to be some big thing. We’ll take it a day at a time if that’s what you want.”

Callum steps back a little, his eyes meeting the ceiling as he creates a gap between them once more. 

“I didn’t want to get all these feelings for you, Callum," Ben tells him. He waits until Callum is looking back towards him before he continues. "This isn’t me. I go from one bloke to the next and I thought it’d be the same with you but -”

“I can’t stay away from you,” he interjects, voicing the words that have been playing on his mind for months.

“Then don’t.”

Callum wishes it were that simple.

“I think we need to just have a break for a bit,” he suggests. “Just a bit of space, you know? Things have got heavy really quickly and the last few weeks have been mental.”

“So you are walking away.”

“No, I…..” Callum pauses and tries to think about how this is different from the other week when he went to the Carter’s. “I just think cooling things will do us both some good.”

Ben nods but doesn’t say anything. Reaching out, Callum takes hold of his hand, letting their fingers slide together. If only things were as easy as holding hands. He looks at the way their hands join and notices Ben doing the same. He hopes Ben understands that this is just the way it has to be for now.

Ben leans forward, pressing his lips against Callum’s cheek and Callum’s eyes flutter closed in response. When they open again, he sees Ben looking back at him and finds understanding there.

Stepping away, Callum let’s go of Ben’s hand and leaves the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


After a shower, Callum heads to the kitchen to make breakfast. He’s surprised to find Jay and Lola already in there, huddled closely on the sofa together and murmuring quietly to one another. They stop when they see him, the door swinging closed behind him alerting them to his presence.

“You two are up early,” he says as he goes to put the kettle on. It’s the weekend and while it’s not too much of a surprise to see Lola awake, Jay is usually asleep until well past noon. “Coffee anyone?”

Jay glances at Lola and Callum doesn’t miss the shared look between them.

“Reckon I might go and - ” Jay motions towards the door as he stands. “Uh, yeah.”

Callum frowns and notices the way Lola rolls her eyes as Jay leaves. “What’s going on? Are you two okay?” He hates to think that he’s just walked into the middle of a fall out between the two of them.  
  
“Yeah, we’re fine,” Lola smiles but it’s strained.

“So, what have I missed?”

The kettle boils behind him, the sound of it filling the room. He still hears the sigh that comes from Lola though.

“We didn’t know what to do for the best,” Lola starts. “But if you’re pretending and we’re pretending then it’s just gonna get weird, isn't it?”

He rubs a hand through his damp hair, pushing the strands away from his eyes and reaching for a clean mug at the side of the sink. “What are you on about?”

“We know about you and Ben."

He falters, almost dropping the mug, and turns to face Lola.

"We overheard you two last night and after that note and the comic yesterday, how strange you were about it all, everything just made sense.”

Callum shakes his head, ready to deny it, but as with Whitney he can see that it’s futile. He carefully places the mug down. Without anything to hold, he realises how much he's trembling.

“What exactly did you hear?” he asks, afraid that they know about Heather’s death and all the other things Ben had shared with him.

“Enough. Ben doesn’t exactly know how to keep his voice down, does he? Stuff about how he’s been sleeping with some other guy besides you but you don’t believe that he has. Stuff about you wanting to know the truth about something?" Lola frowns. "I don’t know. It was hard to make out much before it all went quiet, but we heard enough to know that you’ve been sleeping together.”

He should feel panicked at the thought of Jay and Lola having found out something he’s tried to keep a secret for so long. Aside for Ruby, the whole flat knows about he and Ben now. A few weeks ago he was terrified of the truth coming out. Hell, even this time yesterday he'd been terrified of them all finding out about the two of them after Ben had left that comic there for everyone to see. Only, instead of panic, what he feels is relief. Relief that out of all the things Jay and Lola could have heard yesterday, that’s all it was. It could have been so much worse. And although he wishes they didn't know, it somehow pales in comparison to everything else right now.

“It’s true, isn’t it? You and Ben? And that’s who the note was from yesterday, wasn’t it?”

Callum nods, dropping down onto a chair at the table. There’s another sigh from Lola and then, “What were you thinking getting involved with him, Callum?” He looks up to see worry on her on face. “You know this is Ben Mitchell, don’t you?”

Of course he knows. He’s reminded himself of that fact often enough, but Lola’s reaction is still surprising.

“I thought you liked him? You get on. Him and Jay are best mates,” he points out, remembering how Lola and Jay had been the first to accept Ben as a flatmate.

“I do like him,” Lola agrees, “but I wouldn’t get into bed with him. Have you not thought about how dangerous that is? I don’t even know much about his family but from the way you’ve always talked about them, you’ve made it sound like they’re the kind of people who’ll kill first and ask questions later.”

“I’ve thought about it, Lo,” Callum responds, ignoring the last part of her statement. “It’s the one thing I haven’t stopped thinking about all these months.”

“ _Months_?” Lola screeches. “How long have you been together?”

Rubbing his hands through his hair in frustration, he says, “We’re not together. In fact, as of right now we’re not anything.” Lola looks confused and he adds, “It’s complicated.”

So he tells her. He tells her the same story that he told Whitney yesterday only now with the added detail about how they’re taking some time out even though he’s aware as he says it that it’s not entirely a mutual decision. He deliberately leaves out the part about Ben being a convicted criminal and how he’s done far worse besides. If Lola knew about the things Ben had told him last night, she’d be straight to the local police station regardless of her amicable feelings towards the man.

“I don’t understand why you’re both taking a break if you like each other,” Lola says when he finishes telling her everything he’s willing to. “I mean, I think you’re crazy for choosing Ben of all people but you’ve obviously got something together so why end it now? We all know here so it’s not like there’s any reason to hide it from us anymore.”

“Because of yesterday,” he explains. “Ben wants us to be, I don’t know, in a proper relationship or something.”

“And that’s not what you want?”

He sighs. “You said it was dangerous getting into bed with him. Surely you can imagine just how much more dangerous it would be for us to be together properly.”

“It sounds to me like you practically already are. Just because you haven’t said it or put a label on it or anything doesn’t mean you haven’t been together this whole time. You just haven’t known it.”

He thinks about this. Is that what they’ve been doing? Acting like they’ve been in a relationship and hiding behind something more casual? No, being in a relationship is about more than that. But maybe Lola has a point. Maybe they have been acting like they’re something more than just a casual fling this entire time.

“What would you all think if we were to get together properly?” he finds himself asking. It’s a hypothetical question. It’s not like it’s ever likely to happen.

“I think we’d all be a bit worried about you,” Lola begins, choosing her words carefully. “But from what you've said, things sound serious between you two. I mean, if you were just sleeping with him then I'd tell you to get out now but I don't think that's an option for you anymore, is it? No one has an issue with me and Jay being together and it would be the same with you and Ben. A bit weird maybe, but it wouldn’t be a problem for any of us.”

Callum nods, glad that Lola doesn’t seem to be in horror of the idea.

“Whitney might be a bit……Well, you know how she feels about Ben,” Lola continues. “If anyone’s gonna have a problem with it then it’d be her. But if you’ve already talked to her about it then you’ll know better than I do how she feels.”

Whitney had been more relaxed about it than Callum had thought. The advice she had given him to find out about the hidden aspects of Ben’s life had been good. But he can never tell her what has come from that conversation.

Lola stands from her place on the sofa and approaches him, giving him a squeeze at the shoulder.

“Just be careful, yeah?”

He nods even though he knows it’s already too late for that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It isn’t until later that afternoon that he sees Ben again. He’s sitting in his room and attempting to distract himself from the last twenty-four hours by focusing on one of his assignments when the bedroom door opens and Ben walks in.

“I need to tell you something,” he says quickly, not giving Callum a chance to respond to his sudden entrance. “But you have to know that I didn’t say anything to anyone.”

“Everyone knows about us,” Callum sighs, realising where this is going. “Yeah, Lola told me.”

Ben looks surprised. “Oh! You know already? How d’you feel about it?”

“I don’t know. There’s been so much going round my head that everyone finding out doesn’t seem to be so big in comparison.” 

Ben nods at that. “Okay, that’s makes sense. I did tell you they wouldn’t be bothered if they found out. Now it’s just Whitney but who cares what she thinks?”

“I care. And she already knows too. She asked me yesterday after you left that comic on the table. She figured it all out and I didn’t have the energy to lie to her.”

Ben almost smiles but he seems to think better of it. He comes to perch on the edge of the desk.

“If everyone knows then we don’t have to worry about hiding it any longer, do we?”

Callum looks away from him, eyes lingering on the keys of the laptop in front of him as he shrugs. “There’s nothing to hide anymore anyway.” And even if there was, they would still have to try to stop Ben’s family from finding out. Callum doesn’t want them to know anything about him, happy to remain off their radar.

“So that’s it?” Ben asks anxiously. “You really want us to cool things?”

“Nothing’s changed from this morning, Ben,” he replies, looking back up to see disappointment on Ben’s face. “I’m sorry but everything’s just a mess. Just ‘cause everyone knows doesn’t suddenly make everything else disappear.”

“I know that but – ”

“I meant what I said,” he interrupts. “I’m not walking away. I just need time to figure this out. It’ll be good for both of us.”

Ben shakes his head in disagreement but he doesn’t try to argue the point further. He reaches out, grazing his fingers over the back of Callum’s own and looks at him sadly before heading towards the door.

“What happened with Heather,” Ben starts, pausing at the door to turn his way again, “it really was an accident, Callum. I’d never – I wouldn’t intentionally – " He sighs, unable to get his words out but Callum knows what he’s trying to say.

“I know that, Ben. I know.”

“If I could go back, change things…..If I could somehow put it right…..”

Callum nods. “I know you would.”

Ben looks to his feet before glancing up at Callum once more and turning to leave the room.

Callum closes his eyes when he’s gone. Staying away from Ben has never been easy, but he didn’t think it would ever be something that would hurt. He wonders if he’s doing the right thing but at the moment he can’t see a way forward for either of them.

The possibility that nothing more will happen between them is a thought that hangs silently in the air above him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It takes a while before life starts to settle again. The first few days are awkward and uncomfortable. Jay, Lola and Whitney know about the arrangement Ben and Callum have had up until now and Ben and Callum know that they know. And yet, despite this, it continues to be something that remains unspoken about. It’s not that he wants everyone talking to him about Ben but he can feel the three of them watching him whenever he and Ben happen to be in the same room and he doesn’t like the way he’s attracting so much attention. He wonders if Ben can feel it too or whether he’s oblivious to their keen interest.

It doesn’t help matters that the dynamic between he and Ben has changed. He thought they could have carried on as normal – Ben talking to him and including him in group chat, but it’s like Ben doesn’t know what to say to him anymore and Callum hasn’t known how to initiate conversation with him either. He still hasn’t figured out where the two of them are going yet or whether there’s anywhere for them to even go.

Ben hasn’t lost interest in him though, that’s something Callum knows for certain. Every now and again their eyes will meet and Ben will send a small smile his way, or the air between them will become intense and thick with desire until one of them has to look away. Sometimes their hands will accidently graze as they’re moving around each other and it will send shockwaves through him that he’s sure Ben can feel too.

Callum knows that the way Ben feels hasn’t changed and he knows that the way he feels about Ben isn’t going away either, but he still has no clear answers over what he should do.

“Why can’t you just carry on as you have been?” Jay asks him one evening. It’s the first time anyone has approached him about Ben in days.

“Because it’s not that simple,” he explains.

“You wanna know what I think?” And Callum isn’t sure if he does but Jay leaves him no room to say so. “I think that you’re overthinking. You’re worried about his family finding out and I get that because yeah, if I found out Lola was part of the mafia then I’d be worried about one day having my head served up on a platter or something too, but you might be worrying about nothing.”

Callum nods because he knows that but it’s not just the thought of the Mitchell’s finding out about his existence that worries him.

“And what about Ben?” he asks. “He goes out and gets up to all sorts with that family of his. I don’t like it and the more I feel for Ben the more I can’t ignore that part of him.”

It’s strange to be talking to Jay about his feelings for Ben. Up until a few days ago he hadn’t been willing to acknowledge them himself, let alone talk about them to someone who is close to the man. He’d much rather have Lola’s input, or Whitney’s, but a small part of him hopes that in talking to Jay about it, he might be able to determine what Ben is feeling or at the very least, he can hope that Jay will do him a favour and listen to his words and relay them all to Ben because he doesn’t know how to convey his worries to the man himself.

Jay has nothing to say to that though, no answer for what Callum should do. Ben has already said that he can’t break away from his family and even if he is mostly just a messenger for the Mitchell’s these days, he’s still involved in what they get up to. If he and Ben get together properly then he’ll have to accept that is who his boyfriend is. That there will never be an end to it.

Boyfriend.  
  
He turns the word over a few times in his mind and can hear the sound of Ben’s voice throwing out the suggestion a few days ago. It still sounds just as crazy and reckless but the flutters in his stomach are becoming harder to suppress despite all he now knows. He can't forget what Ben told him but those things have happened and there's nothing either of them can do to change it. Not that Heather's death meant nothing, of course. She was a woman who had her whole life to live and she had that taken away from her. It matters. But he acknowledges that he can't make a decision about his own life based on that alone.  
  
Ben is the same person now as he was a few days ago before Callum asked him about his involvement with his family. He's the same Ben who has gently caressed his skin and held him late into the night. He's the same Ben who had listened to him when he'd talked about his own family and the Carter's. He's the same Ben who has supported him and encouraged him with assignments. And yes, he'll always be the person who went along to a house robbery and killed someone in a moment of sheer panic, that will never go away, but it can't be the thing to define him. Because he's other things too, so many good things, and they can't be overlooked because of an accident that happened, as grievous as that accident was.  
  
Callum still can't see a way forwards for them, not right now, but he can't rule out the possibilities of what might happen given the passing of time. Maybe one day. He lets himself think about what life would be like if Ben wasn’t a Mitchell and it fills him with warmth.

“He looks like that as well,” Jay says from beside him. “If you can make each other smile like that then shouldn’t you be talking instead of skirting around each other?”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jay’s words stay with Callum and when he and Ben find themselves alone together in the hallway as they wait for Lola to get ready for their lecture, he decides to try and fill the silence.

“Do you, uh – Do you maybe wanna watch a film or something tonight?”

Ben looks a little startled and he puts his hands in his pockets and ducks his head as if trying to hide his surprise.

“I thought maybe the others could join us,” he says, not wanting to give Ben the wrong impression but still wanting to bridge the gap that has formed between them.

“I don’t know,” Ben shrugs as he scuffs the toe of his shoe into the carpet. “Might be busy.”

He can’t hide his disappointment and adds, “Well, if you’re not I’d like you to be there.”

Ben raises his head and looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ben smiles and Callum feels his own lips quirk upwards just as a door opens and Lola steps out of her bedroom.

“Right then, we ready?” she asks. “We’re gonna be late!”

Ben rolls his eyes and mutters something under his breath about how they’ve been waiting on her. She must hear what he says because she quickly swats at his arm before ushering them both out of the flat.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Why do you always do that?” Lola whines as Ben laughs heartily, tossing the remote down on the coffee table.

“Yeah, Ben, it is really annoying when you do that.”

Ben turns his head sideways to look at Callum and grins. “You shouldn’t have let me loose on the remote then, should you? Anyway, who in their right minds would sit through the credits?”

Jay groans loudly. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! Do we have to have this argument _every time_ we watch something?”

“Yes!” Callum and Lola pitch in at the same time, both agreeing that credits are part of the whole movie experience.

There’s more laughter and Callum can feel the way Ben’s body shakes with it at the side of him. He had been the last to sit down before they had started the film. Lola and Jay had been on one sofa whilst Ben had been by himself on the other. There had been plenty of room beside Lola but Callum had chosen to sit next to Ben anyway. He told himself that it made sense to leave Lola and Jay room to stretch out together if they wanted to. It was easier to lie to himself about it.

He and Ben had at first been sitting at opposite ends of the sofa. Somehow during the course of the film they’ve ended up moving closer much as they had the last time they’d sat together on the night Ben had told him everything. No matter what, they always end up subconsciously gravitating towards one another.

There is still a slither of space between them now, enough that it’s only every now and then that he feels Ben’s body brush against his own. And when it does it sends waves of electricity through him and leaves him wanting more. Like now. Ben is laughing, the length of his arm touching Callum’s fleetingly, just the light trace of it to tease him. He knows that if he were to shift a little then the two of them would be pressed together, skin to skin, and he aches for the familiarity of it. He refrains though, picking up the remote from the coffee table just to give his hands a distraction. When he looks back up it’s to the sight of Lola nudging at Jay who yawns and stretches.

“Right, well I’m going to bed I reckon,” he says tiredly.

“What? Already?” Callum asks. Jay is usually one of the last to be awake on a night-time.

“Yeah, got a lecture at nine tomorrow.”

“Reckon I might go to bed too,” Lola says, standing from the sofa and pulling on Jay’s arm to help him up too.

Callum frowns and is about to question her but Ben gets there first. “And what’s your excuse?”

“Uh, I’m tired and I want to go to bed?” she offers, pulling Jay out of the room with her, the two of them shouting a quick goodnight as they leave.

Beside him, Ben moves a little on the sofa and rubs at his eyes. “You know they did that on purpose, right?”

“What?”

“Going to bed. Usually I’d say that they’re off to make out but I think they might’ve just wanted to give us some space this time.”

Callum shakes his head, not understanding. “Why would they do that?”

“’Cause they’re our friends? ‘Cause they’ve been trying to play matchmaker all week?”

Looking away from Ben, Callum presses the eject button on the remote and moves towards the television to take the DVD disk out of the machine. Jay might have spoken to him the other day but that’s the only conversation he’s had with anyone about all of this since the truth came out almost a week ago. He wants to ask if they’ve been talking to Ben about it, wants to ask why he thinks they’re playing matchmaker as Ben had called it. He stops himself though, not ready for such a conversation just yet.

Ben must sense his unease because he changes the subject.

“So, are you gonna ditch me now as well? Or are you staying up for a bit?”

The last couple of hours have been nice and even though he doesn’t want a serious discussion right now, he thinks it will be nice if he and Ben spend time together without the expectation of anything more. Maybe that’s what they need.

“Not that tired really,” he shrugs, turning back to Ben. “Fancy watching another film?”

Ben lights up at the idea and nods. “Might even let you sit through the credits of this one if you're lucky.”

Callum laughs at that causing Ben to smile widely.

“Might have to grab my hoodie though. It’s freezing in here tonight.”

“I’d usually make a joke about there being other ways to warm up,” Ben starts, “but you’re right; it feels colder in here than usual. I was freezing my knackers off all the way through that film.”

Hopping up from the sofa, Ben moves across the room to feel at the radiators. He keeps moving, pausing when he reaches the window and then he’s pulling at the cord for the blinds, revealing an open kitchen window.

“Fucking hell! The window’s wide open!” Ben complains, pulling it closed with a slam. “Who the hell would leave the window open in the middle of fucking winter?”

And that’s when Callum remembers.

“Oh,” he says, eyes firmly on the window as he thinks back.

“Oh?”

“I, uh, might have…..” he pauses and Ben squints at him. “I was cooking earlier and the windows were steaming up so I opened that one and must’ve forgotten to close it.”

Ben steps forward, chewing at his lip, a playful look in his eyes. “So you’re saying my balls are blue because of you, are you? Touch-starved and going blue and all because of you, eh?”

Callum doesn’t have chance to think about what Ben means by part of his statement because suddenly there’s a cushion hitting the side of his face.

“Ben!” he scolds, looking at the man to see the cushion in his grasp and being lifted to swipe at him again. “It wasn’t my fault! Whoever closed the blinds should’ve closed the window at the same time!”

“I could’ve died from hyperthermia!”

“Bit over-dramatic, Ben.”

The cushion crashes against the side of his face again and he yelps against the attack, holding his hands out in front of him to try and stop Ben from doing the same again.

Ben relents but keeps the cushion firmly in his hand. It’s not over yet.

“Just put the cushion down, will you?” Callum tells him despite the thrill he feels pumping through his body.

“Don’t want to,” Ben smirks, and okay, if that’s the way he wants to play it then fine.

Making a grab for another cushion, Callum hurls it in Ben’s direction not waiting to see whether it hits its target as he picks up the rest of the cushions from the sofas.

“Hey!” Ben shouts, as he lobs one of the cushions back across the room which Callum narrowly avoids.

Cushions start being thrown in all directions and laughter fills the kitchen and he gets carried away with the utter joy of it. The battle is ongoing and when it looks like there will be no winners, Callum changes strategy, leaping forward to grab as many cushions that have fallen to the floor as he can before charging at Ben with them.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Ben shouts, holding out his hands to both shield himself and to stop Callum from crashing into him. “Truce! I call a truce!”

Stopping in his tracks, Callum keeps hold of the cushions and leans back against the side of the kitchen unit as they both breathe heavily.

“You can’t call a truce now!”

“We’re gonna wake everyone up,” Ben protests, a giggle bubbling out of his mouth. It’s a beautiful sound.

“That’s your excuse is it? Sure it’s not got anything to do with the fact that you’ve just realised that you’ll never beat me in a pillow fight?”

Ben scoffs. “I could take you on easy.”

Callum laughs, slowly looking down Ben’s body and back up again in a silent dig against his height. He chooses to say nothing about that though knowing it will only result in Ben whacking him over the head with a cushion again.

Instead, he shakes his head to rid himself of his sudden giddiness and says, “So, we watching another film or what?”

Ben smirks, leaning towards him and looking up at him with playful eyes. “I get to pick the movie,” he whispers, before stepping backwards again and making his way towards the sofas.

“Deal.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The last days of January trickle into February and as the days turn into weeks, Callum thinks his attempts at trying to keep his and Ben’s relationship platonic isn’t going as badly as he first thought. He still spends every waking moment wanting to reach out and just touch, let his fingers trace over smooth skin and soft hair, still spends all his time wanting to be at Ben’s side, but he refrains from doing either, holding himself back.

Callum isn’t sure what he’s waiting for exactly. He’s still no further forward than he was on the day he suggested he and Ben take a little break from each other. He’d told Ben he wasn’t walking away and he hasn’t – he just hasn’t come any nearer either.

Ben waits too. He’s been waiting. Callum doesn’t know why when he could go out at any time of the day and hook up with anyone he chooses, but for some reason Ben has stuck by his word and not slept with anyone else. At least, Callum is almost certain he hasn’t.

It’s not all easy though. Every now and again Ben prompts him for more and Callum knows he can’t wait forever. He thinks Ben probably would though if he could. He still feels the magnetism between them. All it takes is one look at Ben to know what they’re both thinking. It’s almost palpable. But still Ben waits. He waits because the ball is in Callum’s court, only Callum doesn’t know what to do with it. He knows what he wants to do but the days that have stretched out between them where they have denied themselves of each other has almost become easier than making any decision at all. Callum can’t stay in limbo though, he knows that too.

Jay and Lola wait too. They keep leaving the two of them alone together as if it will make any difference. But he and Ben have settled into this strange routine now so even when they are alone, nothing comes from it. Lola has talked to him. Jay has talked to him too. Callum just feels lost when trying to give them answers. Even Whitney has mentioned it to him but Callum is sure she’s hoping that whatever was going on between he and Ben is now over.

There’s pressure to move but Callum doesn’t know which way to turn. Left or right. Easy or hard. Emptiness or happiness.

It’s two weeks later when things break and it’s all because of a missing television remote. Callum walks into the kitchen to find Ben and Jay on their knees, lifting one of the sofas and peering underneath it. He looks questioningly at Lola and Whitney who are sitting at the table and Lola explains that they’ve been looking for the missing remote for the last ten minutes now.

“I don’t know why it wouldn’t be where it always is,” Jay moans, lowering the sofa again. “How can you not remember where you put it?”

“I told you,” Ben shouts, “I don’t remember being the last one to have it! Is this some trick of yours?” he asks, turning his head to Lola.

“Oh yeah, ‘cause I really went out of my way to hide the remote. Haven’t got anything better to do with my time, have I?” she responds sarcastically. “Have you heard yourselves? You’re arguing over something ridiculous!”

“We just want to play Call of Duty, that’s all,” Jay defends. “That’s not silly.”

Callum cautiously makes his way further into the room, unsure whether all the bickering is merely friendly banter or bordering on something more serious. He suspects the former, but Ben and Jay are clearly stressed and Lola looks like she’s just about had enough of the pair of them.

“And you girls argue over all kinds of stupid stuff, don’t you?” Ben points out, putting his hands in between the cushions of the sofa as he continues his search. “I mean, girls argue over all sorts of shit. Blokes, outfits, make up – all that petty stuff.”

Jay pauses in his search and sits on the coffee table. “Yeah, that is true actually. I remember girls arguing over boys all the time in school. There was this one girl who – "

“We don’t want to know,” Whitney interrupts. “And anyway, surely guys argue over girls as well? Or are they just all players so any girl they score is a win for them?”

“Okay, firstly, we’re not all players,” Jay responds. “And if I was a player than I doubt Lo would even wanna be with me.” He glances across at Lola and they share a smile.

“Hmm, well I reckon you’re the only exception to that,” she says.

Callum shifts his eyes towards Ben who has also stopped searching and is looking right back at him.

“Just takes some of us time to know what we want and find the right person,” Ben comments, eyes never leaving Callum’s own. The familiar butterfly feeling returns and even though he knows how Ben feels, whenever he says things like that it still has the power to make his heart burst. It’s another moment of questioning what he’s doing, why he’s staying away when he doesn’t have to, that question of left or right resurfacing.

Callum had once considered Ben to be a player. He wasn’t the kind to string guys along and play them off against each other before breaking their hearts, but he did go from one to the next in quick succession and it’s hard to believe now that that only ceased to be a few months ago. Callum once believed that Ben was toying with him, playing with his emotions for his own amusement. He knows he was wrong about that now, but it’s still strange to think that Ben considers him being the “right person”. The question is whether Ben is the right person for him.

There’s movement to the side of him, Whitney saying something about coffee, but Callum can’t stop himself from looking at Ben. What could they be if only Callum allowed himself to put thoughts of the distant future to the side? Where could they go if he allowed them to be free to do what they wanted? He wonders what Ben imagines for the two of them, what thoughts of being in an official relationship look like from his point of view? He wishes he could share that view but the fear of the unknown will always be there he thinks.

Suddenly there’s a gasp from behind him and he breaks away from Ben’s stare to look at Whitney who is holding up the missing remote control.

“Look what I’ve found!”

“What the fuck’s it doing in there?” Ben scowls, looking at the open cutlery drawer at the side of Whitney.

“You should take better care of your stuff.”

“For the last time, I didn’t move it!” Ben responds, making a move towards Whitney just as Lola stands and reaches for the remote, taking it from her.

“She has got a point though,” Lola says. “For someone who was so desperate to have a TV at uni that they brought their own, I would’ve thought you’d always look after it. Maybe you can’t be trusted with it.”

Ben looks at her, eyebrows knitting together. “What you on about? Give it to me, will you?”

“Not until you take back what you said about us girls being petty,” she grins.

“Oh, come on. Now, you’re just being childish.”

She shrugs and Ben reaches out to get the remote from her but she’s too fast, passing it back to Whitney again.

“Whit,” Jay says from where he’s still sitting on the coffee table. “Just give it to him.”

Whitney looks at Ben, then at Lola, and then before Callum knows it, she’s handing the remote over and he finds it placed into the palm of his hand.

“Woah! Okay! Don’t get me involved in this!” he exclaims, eyes wide as he stares down at the remote.

Lola giggles. “I’m quite liking this game actually. How far will Ben Mitchell go to get the remote so that he can play his precious Call of Duty? It’s like those taunting games you play with cats – you know, where you get a torchlight and make them try to catch it?”

“Callum, give me the remote,” Ben says, ignoring her.

“Don’t give him it, Callum,” she argues in response.

He raises his hands not wanting any part. “I – I don’t wanna be involved in this.” Ben rolls his eyes and sighs, reaching out for the remote causing Callum to lift it higher on instinct.

“Come on, Callum. Give me the remote and we’ll say no more about it.” He pauses, eyes suddenly sparkling when he says, “Or do you want me to fight you for it?”

He huffs out a laugh and remembers the night of their cushion fight. “You wouldn’t win. You’re too small.”

“You _really_ don’t wanna go there.”

And no, he doesn’t so he should probably just hand the remote over but there’s something stopping him. Lola shakes her head at him minutely and he picks his side, keen to join in with their taunting of Ben even if it is just to have a couple of minutes of laughter with the man. He moves quickly in an attempt to pass the remote back to Lola but Ben is quicker and he’s lunging forward, grabbing hold of Callum as they both lose their balance, Callum falling backwards over the arm of the sofa and Ben landing on top of him.

He inhales sharply, partly at the sudden shock of falling and partly due to the close proximity he now has with Ben. Ben looks equally startled by their new position and there’s an intense expression on his face. The room is suddenly quiet and he is vaguely aware of Jay beside them and the remote still in his hand but all he can focus on is Ben being right here in front of him, the feel of his breath on his neck.

The remote gets removed from his hand and he sees Jay stand in his peripheral vision. Moments later, the kitchen door is opening and closing again and Callum senses they’re alone. The slam of the door swinging shut grounds him and he feels embarrassed suddenly.

“Oh, I’m – I’m sorry.”

“No, it was my fault,” Ben says, voice a little quieter than usual. “I threw myself at you. Guess I was just looking for any excuse to get my hands on you.”

He laughs but Callum can tell it’s forced. Pushing at his shoulder, Ben gets the hint and moves off him, allowing Callum to sit up.

“Uh, you should – you should go find Jay. Get your remote back.”

“You really think I’m that bothered about the remote?” Ben asks. He stretches out an arm and brushes his fingers lightly against Callum’s wrist. Callum shivers involuntarily.

“We can’t,” he breathes.

“Why not? It’s been weeks, Callum, and fuck, I miss you so much. You feel this, I know you do.”

Callum shakes his head not yet ready for this. He still hasn’t figured out left or right yet. So he does what he does best and leaves, making huge strides out of the room and down the hallway until he’s in his own room, intent on getting his trainers on and getting out of the flat.

Ben is behind him though, stopping him from closing the bedroom door until they’re both inside.

“Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from this.”

“I told you, I’m not,” Callum argues, picking up a trainer from the floor. Ben grabs at it and throws it back down.

“You are. You’re saying you’re not but you are! I know, okay? I know you’re scared and I’m scared too but this isn’t going away. We’ve tried, _you’ve_ tried, it’s still there. I know you want this, so please, can’t we just – can’t we just have it?”

He looks at Ben and he wants to say yes. He wants to say yes a million times over.

Left or right.

Left or right.

Ben steps closer and lifts a hand and Callum presses his cheek against his palm, not able to stop himself. He closes his eyes and tries to centre himself, tries to find some resistance, but then Ben’s thumb brushes over his lips and Callum parts them, tasting Ben on his tongue.

When he opens his eyes it’s to find dark eyes looking back at him.

“Take a chance, Callum,” Ben whispers. “You and me, let’s just – let’s just try.”

And then he’s moving closer, his thumb being removed from Callum's mouth before being replaced by his lips and any resistance Callum had up until now fades away. This time, he’s unable to stay away any longer.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos or a comment on the last chapter. The encouragement from this fandom is always so lovely - thank you :)
> 
> I know there are some people who prefer to skip over the smut in fics and usually there's a lead up to indicate that it's coming. This chapter though follows on from the last and so this is just a warning that there's smut right from the start for those who wish to avoid it. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Nineteen  
  
  
  
  
**

The bedroom has grown dark, the dim light casting shadows across the wall. There’s the sound of rain pattering against the window outside adding to the symphony of sounds Ben makes which fill the room. Ben has never been shy when it comes to this. He’s always allowed a string of moans, gasps, curses to come tumbling out of him. He gets so lost in an act as basic and raw as this one and Callum goes with him each and every time letting everything else fall away until all he can think and feel and see is Ben, Ben, Ben.

There’s something different about this time though. There’s _feelings_ involved now. Ben has said that he is falling in love and the thought of it has Callum’s heart growing until the world around him is aglow. He had wanted to ignore it at first, hadn’t been able to understand how Ben could feel that way about anybody let alone himself, but it’s impossible to ignore anymore because he can see it so clearly every time he looks into Ben’s eyes. He knows Ben’s words to be true.

He has feelings too. He’s tried not to think about them, he’s tried to hide them, run away from them, but they’re always there, everywhere he goes. Callum doesn’t know exactly what it is he feels for Ben, only that those feelings exist – that he wants, needs, craves, yearns.

Ben.

Callum is surrounded by him now. It’s not the most comfortable of positions but there’s an intimacy about it that makes Callum want to stay surrounded by Ben for as long as he is allowed to. He’s sitting upright on the bed with Ben in his lap and their chests flushed, heaving with exertion. Ben legs are wrapped around his waist, his fingers pressed into his back, and his head pushes further into the crook of Callum’s neck as he methodically rises and falls with Callum’s support. Callum can smell the sweat on Ben’s skin, the scent of shampoo which lingers in his hair, and he reaches up to scratch at the nape of Ben’s neck causing a moan of appreciation from the man.

He’s never felt like this. Never wanted so much all at once. But with Ben pressed against him after so long, he realises he wants it all. He just doesn’t know how it’s going to be possible. But god, he _wants_.

He pulls at Ben’s hair a little until Ben is shifting to look at him. His eyes are glazed, strands of hair falling down into his face, damp from sweat, and he smiles softly and presses their foreheads together.

Callum closes his eyes, feels Ben’s breath tickle at his chin, and leans forwards a little to press his lips against Ben’s. Ben presses further into his skin, holding them both together and it’s like he’s taking what he can get. Callum wonders if he is, wonders if Ben thinks that this is a goodbye of sorts, wonders if Ben thinks this could be a last for them.

He fights to open his eyes again and waits until Ben is looking his way before whispering, “I’m staying.”

It’s certainly no declaration of his own, he doesn’t even know if it’s something Ben needs to hear, but he says it anyway, more for his own benefit than for Ben’s. This is him stating aloud that even though he doesn’t know where they’ll go or what they’ll be, he’s willing to throw himself into the depths of the waters once more for the sake of this with Ben.

Ben holds his gaze for several moments, lifting himself a little on Callum’s length and coming back down again as their momentum falters, and then he’s pressing his mouth against Callum’s again, a mess of tongue and teeth and Callum takes and takes until it’s all too much.

He uses his renewed energy to flip them both over, Ben crashing down onto the mattress beneath as Callum crowds over him, thrusting deeper into him.

“Fuck. Fuck, Callum.”

Callum moves closer, licking and biting and nipping at whatever part of Ben’s skin is nearest as he increases their pace. He wants Ben to know how much he’s here for this, how much he’s tried to deny it but can’t any longer, wants Ben to know that it’s _him_ that does this – it’s him who has Callum coming undone like this.

He reaches for Ben’s cock between them causing another string of expletives to fill the room and then Ben is erupting in his hand, strips of white painting his chest and the sight sends Callum over the edge too because god, he’s missed this.

Collapsing down onto Ben, he winces a little as the feeling of stickiness touches his own chest. He should move, needs to move, but his muscles ache and Ben is soft and warm and this it too much like bliss to disturb.

Ben must have other ideas though because Callum feels himself being rolled to the side until Ben can move out from beneath him. Callum’s eyelids are heavy and he closes them and it isn’t until he feels something wet and warm on his skin that he opens them again.

“Hey,” Ben whispers from beside him, settling back down into the bed and throwing what looks to be a washcloth onto the floor.

“Hi.”

“You’re tired.” It’s not a question but Callum nods anyway. “Sleep then.”

He huffs a little. “Don’t want to sleep. Want to be with you.” It sounds strange to his own ears as he says it. He’s never worn his heart on his sleeve so much when it comes to Ben, never been so needy. But he’s tired and his mind is foggy and he has his head in the clouds right now and he puts it down to those things alone.

“You are,” Ben whispers. “I’m here. Just sleep, yeah?”

They should talk, they need to talk, but the trace of Ben’s fingers along his arm lulls him to sleep before he can say anything more.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s the early hours of the morning when he wakes. The room is still dark and he feels the soft trace of Ben’s fingers running along his side. He blinks his eyes open to see Ben staring back at him.

“Sorry,” Ben whispers. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. What time is it?”

Ben stretches back to look at his phone and a moment later he settles again. “Just gone five. You want me to go?”

Callum shakes his head. He doesn’t. Perhaps this with Ben isn’t a good idea but then again, it never has been, has it? He knows he wants it though and that trying to delay the inevitable any longer isn’t working for either of them.

“You were amazing,” Ben smiles. “Almost forgot what it was like to have you inside me.”

He huffs out a laugh as he thinks back to last night and remembers the intensity of their closeness. It had been different to any other time before and he had felt a deeper connection with Ben that he longs to feel again.

“Reckon I might wanna give it a try some day. If you’d want to?”

“What?”

“You inside me.”

He hears Ben’s breath hitch and wonders if that’s something he should have kept to himself. The thought of having Ben inside him isn’t something he’s allowed himself to think about too often but he does wonder what it would be like for the roles to be reversed and for him to experience such a thing.

“Fuck, Callum! You can’t just say things like that! Give a guy some warning, yeah?”

Callum chuckles and sees the way Ben bites at his lip eagerly which gives him confidence to continue. “I’ve never actually……you know.” He feels he should be honest about it.

“What? Never? So you’ve always topped?” Ben asks in surprise.

“Well, not intentionally. It’s just how it was with my ex-boyfriend and the only person I’ve been with besides him is you.”

When he thinks about it like that, he feels really naïve in comparison to Ben and when Ben falls quiet beside him, he wonders if he's thinking about that too. He doesn’t have anywhere near as much experience as Ben does.

“What was he like?” Ben asks after a couple of minutes silence.

“Who?”

“Your ex.”

Callum thinks about Chris. “He was nice. Kind, caring, funny – "

Ben snorts out a laugh.

“What?” Callum asks, confused.

“Well, that’s all great and all but where’s the excitement, eh? He sounds boring as hell.”

He’s not about to badmouth Chris who had been nothing short of lovely to him and he’s not going to allow Ben to talk badly of him either. Shaking his head, he says, “It’s not all about excitement.”

“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what this has always been with us? Excitement?”

Callum is quiet even though he knows that yes, excitement is a huge part of what he has with Ben. It’s the reason they’ve made it this far, isn’t it? There’s a passion that continues to sizzle and burn between them no matter how hard he tries to put out the flames. There’s undeniable sparks that keep him coming back for more, too addicted by it that he can never stay away for long.

“What is this?” Ben asks when Callum doesn’t give him an answer.

“I don’t know,” he replies honestly. “I still haven’t got my head around the stuff you told me that night. I don’t know if I ever will.”

“I swear to you, nothing like that will ever happen again.”

Callum nods and he believes it. He knows those demons will follow Ben around forever even if he doesn’t outwardly show it, and he believes that he would never allow himself to be put in a situation like that again.  
  
“Part of me wants to see where this could go and the other part of me wants to stay as far away from your family as possible.”

Sitting up a little, Ben says, “You wouldn’t have to see them, Callum. I don’t expect you to come round for family parties or sit around the dinner table with us.”

“I know that. But if we were together then your family would find out about us eventually, wouldn’t they?”

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t do relationships so I’m as much in the dark about this as you are. I just know I wanna try with you. The last few weeks have been really hard, you know that? Being around you and not being able to just…..” He sighs. “I don’t know. I’m not good at stuff like this. But I meant what I said about calling you my boyfriend. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

Callum doesn’t know what to say to that. He still isn’t sure how he’d feel to actually be Ben’s boyfriend and if Ben is looking for an answer now then he simply doesn’t have one. He knows he wants to be with Ben, he knows he wants this, but the two of them being in an official relationship is something he's still unsure will work no matter how much he wants it.

“You’re thinking too much,” he says even though it’s himself that has the tendency to do that. “Let’s just talk about this later, yeah?”

He reaches out for Ben in the hopes that the topic will be dropped and Ben looks at him for a moment as though having an internal debate with himself. Callum leans up, wrapping an arm around Ben and pulling him down on top of him before kissing him. Ben moans into the kiss and he feels himself grow hard in response.

“Again?” Ben asks, tearing his mouth away and grinning.

“Making up for lost time I guess.”

He pushes his hips up against Ben and hears him groan loudly and is glad to have found a distraction for both of them. They need to talk about what they are, whether this is a relationship or not and where they go from here and they’ll get to that eventually. But for as long as Callum can put the conversation off, then that’s what he’ll do.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For some reason, Ben doesn’t bring up the nature of their relationship again. The two of them have come to spend almost every night in one another’s rooms and it’s clear that they’re once again in a different place to the one that they were in before. Callum is more aware of his emotions whenever he and Ben sleep together and he’s more aware of Ben’s too. Sex between them no longer feels like a means to end. There’s more to it now.

As Valentine’s Day arrives, Ben makes no secret of the fact that he finds the day to be far too commercialised and tacky. He and Jay argue about it every time.

“You’ve turned into a right soppy git since you got with Lola,” Ben says as Jay stands in the kitchen all spruced up and ready for his evening with Lola. They’re going to a fancy restaurant in town thanks to Jay saving up all of his wages from his shifts in the Student Union Bar just so that they could do something special for their first Valentine’s together.

“Just ‘cause I’ve got a relationship, mate,” Jay retaliates. “Seriously, you two really need to sort yourselves out.”

Callum’s ears prick up and he turns to see Jay staring at him pointedly. He must know that the only reason he and Ben still haven’t got their acts together in that department is because Callum has been stalling.

“Jay, shut it, will you?” Ben warns casting his eyes across at Callum who immediately looks away.

He feels guilty that they’re still no closer to moving forwards despite every effort for them to do so. He knows he wants to be with Ben and Ben must know it too but they’ve still yet to have that conversation. Callum thinks that maybe Ben doesn’t want to push in case it causes Callum to suggest they cool things again. And maybe that’s true because Callum really doesn’t know how he’d react if Ben wanted to talk relationships with him.

Jay leaves the room after that, Whitney stepping in to tell him that Lola is ready. The silence between he and Ben feels loud and he can’t ignore it.

Ben mustn’t be able to either because he says, “Load of rubbish all this Valentine’s shit.”

“Do you really think that?” Callum asks. He can’t imagine Ben is lying because he doesn’t seem the type who would like a day that focuses so much on love, but he wants to make sure that he isn’t just pretending not to like it solely for Callum’s benefit.

“Yeah,” Ben nods, sounding sure. “Why do people need one day of the year to profess their love to each other when there’s three hundred and sixty-odd other days when they can do it just as well?”

He shrugs. “I think it’s nice. Jay really wants to spend tonight with Lola and did you see how excited she was earlier?”

“Yeah. Over a restaurant. A restaurant that every other couple will be going to tonight. There’s more unique ways to show someone you love them. Make it special, you know? Don’t just pluck the first idea out of your head and settle for it. That’s not romance – it’s laziness.”

Callum nods a little and wonders what Ben’s idea of romance is. He doubts Ben has any idea considering his previous claims to not know what he’s doing when it comes to relationships. He can’t help but think about the comic that Ben had gone out of his way to get for him though. Perhaps that would be more along the lines of romance that Ben would go for given the chance.

Callum doesn’t know much about romance either but he does see Ben’s point about taking a loved one to a restaurant. It’s a lovely thought and he’s sure Jay and Lola will have a good evening together, but he thinks he’d rather spend Valentine’s Day doing something more personal.

Not that it matters anyway. Valentine’s Day will be over in a few hours and he and Ben aren’t technically together. He wouldn’t have wanted them to do anything for it. He just hopes Ben feels the same.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Swallowing down the cool liquid, Callum allows alcohol to settle inside of him until his body feels looser and he moves to the beat of the music that fills the club. He’s somehow been roped into a night out with Lola, Jay and Ben and even though he had tried to drag Whitney along with him, she had declined with a comment about how she didn’t want to be the fifth wheel.

Everyone in the flat have come to view he and Ben as a couple now even though they’ve still yet to put a label on what they are themselves. Ben still hasn’t brought the conversation up since their reunion almost two weeks ago and Callum has done his utmost not to think about it all too much. He enjoys the time he spends with Ben, ignoring whatever may or may not happen in the future. He’s happy to have his head buried deep beneath the sand and tell himself that he and Ben still have a casual arrangement that just so happens to come with added feelings now.

Because he does have feelings for Ben. He knows that and has come to accept it. Feelings that seem to grow more and more in their intensity whenever the two of them are together. He just hasn’t told Ben about them. Yet. He’ll get to that eventually.

Right now though he wants to enjoy tonight without thinking about what might come for the two of them and it’s easy to do when he watches Ben dancing alongside Lola, the two of them swirling their hips together to the rhythm of the music.

“You better not be stealing my girl,” Jay jokes as he too watches Ben and Lola dance.

“As if! Already got my eye on someone, haven’t I?” Ben grins, glancing across at Callum and sending a wink in his direction.

Callum feels himself blush and hopes the heat from inside the club helps to mask the colouring of his cheeks. He looks down at the floor, unsure how to react to the attention. Ben is being very obviously flirtatious with him tonight and Callum puts it down to both a result of the alcohol and feeling like they no longer have to hide in front of Jay and Lola anymore. And it must be clear to any onlookers exactly who Ben is planning on taking home with him tonight. He doesn’t mind Ben being so obvious in his intentions but it’s different to all the other times they've been out in the past and he doesn’t know quite how to respond to it.

“He’s showing you right up with these moves of his, babe,” Lola tells Jay and Callum finds himself nodding a little in agreement because Lola is right – Ben can _dance_ and he stands out from everyone else on the dancefloor. Callum finds himself captivated by the sight of him and hopes he himself isn’t being too transparent in his feelings for him.

Ben takes a sip from the glass in his hand and then says, “I keep trying to get Callum to dance with me but he’s having none of it so it looks like I’ll have to keep dancing with you instead.”

“Oh, charming!” Lola responds, rolling her eyes. “And here I was thinking I was first choice.”

Callum ignores her in favour of focusing on Ben’s words and says, “I am dancing with you.”

“Not properly you’re not,” Ben argues. “Every time I’ve tried to get close to you tonight you’ve moved away from me.”

He shakes his head and is about to protest before realising that it’s true. Each time Ben has tried to reach out for him, Callum has brushed him away, subconsciously rejecting him without meaning to. Each time Ben has tried to pull him away from the others, Callum has held back. He hadn’t really been aware that he was doing it and now that Ben has pointed it out, he feels a wave of guilt come crashing over him. He hasn’t meant to push away Ben’s advances – it’s just become a habit whenever they’re not alone after spending so many months in secrecy.

“It’s alright, Callum. I know you’re ashamed of me,” Ben says with a teasing lilt in his tone. Only Callum doesn’t think he’s joking and one glace at Lola and Jay tells him that they don’t think so either.

“Who wants another drink?” Lola asks suddenly, grabbing at Jay’s hand and pulling him away in the direction of the bar without waiting for an answer.

Ben laughs and shouts out, “What? Can no one take a joke round here?”

“Do you really think I’m ashamed of you?” Callum asks, his movements paused now because he needs to know what Ben is thinking.

Shrugging, Ben huffs out a laugh as he replies, “Does it matter? It was meant as a joke.”

And yes, it does matter because whether it was meant as a joke or not, it must have been something Ben has thought about for him to have said it in the first place.

“Alright, but do you? Is that what you think?”

Ben’s expression turns serious and he rubs at his face in frustration. “Let’s just forget I said anything, yeah? I’m drunk that’s all.” He holds up the glass in his hand as if to prove his point.

But Callum can’t forget it. He should want to and it would be a lot easier if he did but he can’t. Ben has said what he’s said and now it’s hanging heavily between them and he can’t just ignore it. Just because he’s been subconsciously pushing Ben away tonight and turning a blind eye to his attempts at flirtation doesn’t mean he’s ashamed of him. He just doesn’t think they need to be so blatant when they’re out in the middle of a club surrounded by so many people.

“I’m not ashamed of you,” he tells Ben, readying himself to explain but Ben cuts him off before he gets chance.

“Yeah, alright, whatever.”

And then he's turning away and moving across the floor and away from Callum and just like that the mood has changed and Callum doesn’t like it one bit. Just minutes ago they had all been dancing and laughing together and now Ben is walking away from him and they’re surrounded by this tension that he just wants to get rid of before it has chance to become something more serious.

“Ben!” he calls out, following him through the crowded dancefloor. “You’re wrong, alright? I just – We don’t act like this when we’re out, do we?”

Ben turns unexpectedly and Callum almost collides with him. “What difference does it make, Callum? All these people here – they’re just a bunch of strangers. Who cares if they see us dancing together? Because we’re some big secret that no one can find out about?”

“No – Well, yeah, actually – " Callum starts, fumbling over his words. “Your family – "

“Fucking hell, Callum! Before you came along I was hooking up with blokes practically every night. Have any of them ended up dead? Has any random stranger in a club decided to sell the story on Ben Mitchell’s latest shag? When are you going to get it? No one round here cares who I am or what I do!”

He shakes his head. This isn’t the place to be getting into this discussion.

“I’m not ashamed of you,” he insists, hoping to make Ben see so that they can let the subject drop for now until they get back to the flat.

“Alright, so prove it.”

“Prove it?”

“Yeah. Prove you’re not ashamed of me.”

He frowns, not knowing what he’s supposed to do. “How?”

“Kiss me,” Ben tells him. “Kiss me right here. Show everyone that I’m not just your mate like Jay or Lola are. Show them all, Callum. If you’re not ashamed of me then kiss me.”

Callum stares at him and tries to comprehend what Ben is asking of him. Surely if Callum were ashamed of Ben then he wouldn’t even allow himself to be seen in public with him, would he? And yet they’ve been on many a night out and he hasn’t cared who has seen them together. Just because he isn’t willing to dance with Ben specifically, or hold his hand, or move in close to him doesn’t mean he’s ashamed.

But kissing him is something he can’t do.

There’s a voice in his head that reminds him of what Ben has said and he’s right – they’re in the middle of a club that is largely popular amongst university students and no one cares. The chances of anyone in Ben’s family finding out about them are almost non-existent. But still, it would be too much of a risk, wouldn’t it? It’s got nothing to do with being ashamed.

Ben nods when Callum doesn’t reply and says, “Thought so.”

And then he’s turning again and heading through the crowd. Callum should stop him but he finds that his feet are firmly planted to the floor and he doesn’t know what he’d say to Ben anyway. So he lets him walk away and hopes that Ben will calm down enough to let him explain properly later.

Sighing to himself, he starts making his way towards the bar, hopeful that he’ll find Lola and Jay there. Maybe Jay could talk to Ben and make him see sense.

He’s stopped in his tracks by the feel of a hand at his shoulder. Turning, he expects to see Ben back again but is surprised at the familiar face smiling back at him.

“Johnny!” he grins, opening his arms to pull the man into a hug.

Johnny pats at his back before pulling away. “Thought it was you! Callum Highway on a night out, eh? Never thought I’d see the day!”

“What are you – What are you doing here?” he asks, perplexed by the sight of his friend standing here in front of him. The last time they saw each other was at Christmas and Johnny had returned to university several days before Callum had. “Why aren’t you in Manchester?”

“Reading week. Thought I’d spend it at home. This semester is already full on and I’m glad of the break.”

Callum nods in understanding. The work seems to be piling in ever since returning from the Christmas break so he can only imagine how much Johnny is getting considering he is studying for a degree in law.

“Just catching up with some mates from school now," Johnny explains. "What about you? Who you out with?”

“Oh, just my flatmates. They’re around here somewhere.” He glances in the direction of the bar but can’t see Lola or Jay anywhere.

Johnny nods. “Well, I’m gonna be in London all week so if you wanna catch up that’d be great! Maybe you’ll even let me take you to some gay bars now that a night out seems to be your thing.”

Callum laughs at that. He never enjoyed going out to clubs and bars before starting university, always feeling out of his comfort zone, but he seems to have just followed the crowd since September and somehow grown used to it. When it comes to gay bars, the only experience he has so far has been from Pride last year but he thinks maybe he’d be willing to give it a try again so long as he’s not spotted by someone who knows him and will report back to his dad.

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t see why not,” he agrees.

Johnny grins, eyes lighting up and Callum can’t help but laugh at his excitement, stopping suddenly when he spots Ben standing at the farthest end of the bar, his glass still in hand. Ben is staring their way, eyes fixed on them, and Callum feels the atmosphere around him darken again.

“What?” Johnny asks, noticing Callum’s shift in mood and turning his head to follow Callum’s gaze. “Isn’t that one of the Mitchell’s?”

“Ben, yeah,” Callum says, keeping his own eyes on the man in question.

“Why is he watching us? He’s giving me the creeps.”

Callum forces himself to look back Johnny’s way. “He’s my flatmate.”

“Shit!” he spits out, eyes widening. “You’re having to live with him? Fuck, that’s messed up. As if any uni would even let him in.”

It’s a thought Callum has had himself before, right back at the beginning before he knew anything about who Ben really is. He feels guilty for it and he lowers his eyes to the floor before looking back at Ben to find him still watching them.

“Bloody hell, are you and him…..?”

Looking back at Johnny, he starts to shake his head before realising what he’s doing. This is what Ben had been talking about, hadn't it? Callum denying them. Callum being ashamed. And he’s not. He’s not ashamed.

“There’s something about him – " Callum starts before getting cut off.

“Shit, shit, shitting shit!”

“Yeah, alright, I get it!”

“Do you?” Johnny questions, placing his hand at Callum’s elbow and looking at him seriously. “Do you know what you’re doing with this bloke?”

He can see Johnny’s worry etched across his face and he looks back Ben’s way as he thinks about the question. The answer is of course that no, he doesn’t. He never really has known what he’s doing when it comes to Ben. But there’s a passion between them that’s addictive, a fire that never seems to burn out, and he’s stopped denying it to himself weeks ago so maybe he should stop denying it to everyone else too.

Ben looks annoyed, eyebrows knitted together and Callum thinks he must still be mad about their squabble just a few minutes ago but then he sees Ben’s eyes flicker sideways and _oh! He’s jealous!_ He’d seen exactly the same look on Ben’s face on the night he had bumped into Simon. He hadn’t known it was jealousy back then but he knows it now.

It almost seems preposterous to think that Ben is jealous of he and Johnny but he realises that even though he’s mentioned Johnny to Ben before, Ben hasn’t ever seen a photograph of him. Keeping his eyes on Ben, he closes the gap between himself and Johnny a little, just enough to gauge on the reaction it receives. Ben’s frown deepens and his shoulders straighten as he puffs out his chest and it’s the proof Callum needs to know that he’s right – Ben really is jealous.

Johnny is saying something beside him but Callum’s attention is firmly on Ben and Ben alone. There’s a pulsating energy between them, like an elastic band connecting them together, stretched taut. Callum feels his heart beating wildly, getting more and more erratic with every second that they continue to stare at one another and he wonders if Ben can feel it too. He must be able to.

“Callum!” Johnny calls out, trying to gain his attention again but all Callum can do is watch as Ben lifts his glass to his mouth and swiftly knocks back the contents.

And then the glass is getting slammed down on top of the bar and Ben starts to make his way over and whatever Johnny is saying isn't important because Ben is coming and suddenly that’s all that matters.

Ben pushes his way between Callum and Johnny when he reaches them, eyes never leaving Callum’s own as Johnny gets jostled to the side. Vaguely aware that Johnny is still there, Callum looks his way but can’t find any words to say.

“Right, well, I’ll be on my way,” Johnny says, doing the talking for them. “Message me, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Callum nods, throat dry at the effect Ben being jealous is having on him.

Ignoring the scowl on Ben’s face, Johnny leans in close, mouth against Callum’s ear. “Please be careful,” he whispers in warning before stepping back and disappearing into the crowd.

“That was rude,” he tells Ben, finding his voice again.

Ben shrugs, his hardened expression not leaving his face.

“I see you’re not ashamed to be seen talking to some random,” Ben comments, reminding him once again of the reason for Ben walking away in the first place. “Maybe you should go find him and take him home.”

There’s something challenging in Ben’s gaze, almost like he’s testing Callum to see what he’ll do. He has no intention of hooking up with Johnny. It would be far too weird given the brotherly relationship that they have but even without that, even if Johnny were a complete stranger to him, he still wouldn't want anyone other than Ben.

“Is that what you want?”

“Couldn’t care less,” Ben says, even though if he really didn’t care he would have left the two of them talking instead of coming over here like he was staking his claim. Callum can see right through him and surely Ben knows it. The energy thrums between them and his fingers itch to reach out and pull Ben towards him.

“I don’t want him. I want you.”

And before Ben has chance to argue, he’s grabbing hold of his shirt, pulling Ben closer and pressing their lips together. He hears the surprised squeak that comes from Ben’s throat and then Ben is kissing him back hard and it occurs to him that they’re here in the middle of a crowded club and this is a first for them and he hopes it’s enough to prove to Ben that none of this is about being ashamed.

Ben grips onto him, digging his fingers into his shirt and Callum feels himself getting hard in response. Ben must feel it too because he draws back, looking at him with darkened eyes.

“Let’s get out of here.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They end up in the back of a taxi, Callum’s back pressing against the window as Ben leans into him as they kiss and kiss. They haven’t been able to stop since leaving the club and Callum doesn’t know what has got into the two of them. He doesn’t know what’s got into _himself_. If he’d have been told a few hours ago that he would be kissing Ben with wild abandon out here for anyone to see, he’d have shuddered at the idea and probably not gone out at all. But there’s alcohol inside him and Ben’s touch at his skin that is setting every nerve ending alight inside of him and now he just can’t get enough.

It’s liberating to be kissing Ben and not caring about who sees. He will care, he’s sure of that, but right now he’s not allowing himself to think about the regret. Right now all he wants is Ben and he wants Ben to know it too.  
  
He manages to tear himself away to tell Ben that they need to let Jay and Lola know they’re gone. He doesn’t want them to worry.

“They’ll figure it out,” is Ben’s response as he tries to resume kissing him again but Callum pushes him away, finding the last bit of self-control he has left.

“They’ll be looking for us,” he points out.

Ben groans and then sits back in the seat and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He types out a message quickly and then turns the screen to show Callum.

“Happy now?”

Callum nods and Ben puts his phone back into his pocket. He takes their momentary break in kissing to say, “I’m not ashamed of you, Ben. You have to believe that.”

Ben leans back towards him, eyes glistening. “No talking. Later, yeah? Right now, I want you to take me to bed and fuck me within an inch of my life.”

He let’s out a groan at that, cock growing harder in his jeans. The taxi driver clears his throat loudly from the front seat and Callum looks into the rear-view mirror to see him staring back at them.

Ben must notice too as he glares towards the driver. “What?”

He doesn’t wait for a reply, instead pushing back into Callum’s space and then they’re kissing again and Ben is pressing a hand lightly against the front of his jeans causing Callum to moan.

Ben smiles into the kiss at the response and Callum prays that he’ll be able to make it back to the flat before he has any embarrassing accidents.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five minutes later their crashing through the door of Ben’s bedroom, Callum pushing him backwards as they make their way to the bed. His body feels alive. Ben is addictive and always leaves him wanting more even after all these months.

“Shush! We’ll wake Whit,” he whispers in between kisses.

Ben is already pulling at his shirt, fingers masterfully undoing the buttons in quick succession. “Don’t care. Fuck, you don’t know what you’re doing to me, Callum.”

But he does because Ben is doing the same to him. He wants Ben to know that. He wants Ben to know that he feels it too. He wants Ben to know everything.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Afterwards, they lay alongside each other, both breathing heavily. Callum watches Ben who has his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

Chuckling, Ben says, “That was…….”

“Yeah,” he agrees. There aren’t any words.

Sleeping with Ben has been different since Callum started to acknowledge that it was more than just casual sex between them.

Tonight, the difference has become even more apparent. He’s been teetering on the edge of the unknown for so long now, happily avoiding conversations that would throw into question exactly what their relationship is. But tonight has changed a lot and now there’s so many things that Callum wishes that Ben could just know.

He starts with the issue that brought them here.

“I’m not ashamed of you, Ben,” he tells him, hoping they can talk about it now.

Ben groans and shakes his head. “I don’t even know why I said that. I was being a dick.” He turns onto his side and their eyes meet. “I know you wanna keep things on the down low with us. I understand that, Callum. I think I just got carried away tonight because we’ve kept this a secret for so long and now that Lo, Jay and Whit have found out, I thought that would be the end of us having to hide it.”

“I know my reasons for wanting to keep it quiet are stupid, but they’ve got nothing to do with being ashamed of you,” he tries to reassure.

“I get that, Callum, I do. As soon as I walked away from you I realised I was being a massive idiot. Only then I saw you with that bloke and, I don’t know, I got jealous and lashed out because in my head you’re mine.”

“You don’t have to be jealous of him. He’s just – "

“You don’t feel the same way though, do you?” Ben says, sounding resigned to it. Callum can’t have him thinking that.

“No, Ben, I – "

“It’s okay, Callum. I know.”

But Ben doesn’t know. He really doesn’t. And it comes as a surprise to Callum because all this time Ben has always been one step ahead. He’s always been the one to acknowledge Callum’s thoughts before Callum has acknowledged them himself. But somehow over the last couple of weeks something seems to have got lost in translation and Callum doesn’t know how. They haven’t talked about what they are since the night Callum had shut the topic of a relationship down and Ben hasn’t brought it up since. Callum had told him he was staying and assumed Ben would have known what that had meant but maybe he hasn’t. Maybe every night they’ve spent together since then has been Ben making the most of their time whilst they have it. Maybe Callum should have been clearer instead of avoiding the conversation when Ben tried to have it in the first place.

“There’s something between us, Ben. You’ve always known that,” he says, trying to make him see. “And I know I avoid it a lot and don’t talk about it, but the way I feel about you Ben, it’s scary.”

“You think it isn’t for me too?”

Callum nods because he accepts that. But Callum isn’t the Mitchell here and Ben isn’t the one who is running the risk of being in danger. Yes, it must be scary for Ben but if Callum allows himself to jump headfirst into a relationship with the man, then he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to come back from it.

He looks down at the bed between them and finds Ben’s hand in the dark, reaching out to link their fingers together.

“I wanna be with you, Ben,” he says, voice shaking and a lingering sense of doubt filling his mind. “You asked me to take a chance with you and I want to. I just don’t know how.”

“So we’ll figure it out together. All you have to do is say yes.”

Ben is looking at him imploringly and Callum wants to. He really, really does.

“What you said, about being yours,” Callum starts, being careful of his wording, “well, I am. I am yours. I reckon I probably always have been.”

It’s the closest he’s ever come to declaring anything to Ben about the way he feels about the two of them and Ben looks almost shy as he hears the words.

“That makes me yours too, right?” he asks quietly, lowering his eyes.

Callum nods even though Ben is no longer looking at him. “Yeah, you’re mine too.”

Ben looks back up and seems to be fighting back a smile when he asks, “So is that a yes? Together?”

And maybe he’s going to regret this moment and maybe this isn’t the road he should take, but he’s spent too long stuck in the same place and he always knew he wouldn’t be able to stay trapped in limbo forever.

So he nods, saying what his heart has been telling him to say all along and ignoring the voices in his head.

“Yes. Yeah, okay.”

The smile he gets from Ben silences the doubt in his mind and then Ben is kissing him, throwing a leg over him and Callum pulls him down on top of him so that he can deepen their kiss.

He doesn’t know what’s to come for them or where this decision will lead them but this is it – he’s taking a chance. Him and Ben together.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos on the last chapter. I'm so glad that everyone is enjoying the journey so far and I hope you'll continue to do so. 
> 
> Now, who wants a little bit of Ben and Callum being loved up with a little bit of drama thrown in for good measure? 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty  
  
  
  
  
**

Single beds were never made for two and the beds of the university accommodation were certainly never put there with thoughts of what could occur on them in mind. Callum thinks about this almost every time he and Ben have sex. It’s become the norm for them after all these months to navigate such a small space but Callum still questions how neither of them have hit their head on the wall lining the length of the bed or how they haven’t fallen off the edge and onto the floor.

When he voices this out loud, Ben laughs and comments on how they’ll need to make sure they have a double bed wherever they end up living next year.

Callum hasn’t thought about their second year of university but he knows it won’t be long until everyone in the flat have to make a decision on what their plans are. Only first year students live on campus and he hopes that everyone will be in agreement about finding a student house together. The last thing he wants is to return home and live under his dad’s roof again.

Hearing Ben talk about them sharing a double bed makes it sound like he considers the two of them as a sure thing. Callum still isn’t sure what they are exactly, they've not yet put a label on it, but he knows that out of all the times things have changed between them, this is the most comfortable he's ever felt. Since their night out almost two weeks ago, the night he had said yes to taking a chance with Ben, a certain kind of happiness has settled over them and even though they haven’t spoken about it all that much since then, Callum feels sure that they’re in a relationship now. An actual relationship and not just some agreed upon arrangement. The thought of being in a relationship with a Mitchell is terrifying but he’s keen to ignore that detail, instead focusing on the fact that not having Ben in his life in this way is worse.

Over the past couple of weeks, he and Ben have been closer than ever. The way they act around each other is no different than usual, but now there is an added affection between them – a softness that wasn’t there before. The gentle side to Ben is one that Callum had never expected to exist but it’s one that he keeps hidden from everyone else in the flat, shown only to Callum alone. And Callum is learning how to show his own affection for Ben after months of supressing it because of denial and fear over what was happening between them. They’ve created a strange little bubble for themselves over the last couple of weeks and it’s one that is warm and tender and now that he’s allowing himself to properly accept it and isn’t fighting against himself anymore, Callum thinks he would be very happy to stay in such a bubble for a long time to come.

The rest of the flat don’t see it though. It’s something he and Ben are still keeping very much in the privacy of their own bedrooms. No one will judge him for his relationship with Ben and he already knows what Whitney, Jay and Lola think about it, but it’s become a habit to keep themselves away from prying eyes for so long that neither of them know how to break it now. It’s nice to no longer be keeping it a secret from everyone though. He can sit next to Ben during a movie now and not worry about what the others will think if they happen to move too closely together. He can look at Ben and have Ben look at him and he no longer has to worry that the others will notice and speculate about them.

It’s nice to not have to think about what he can and can’t do because everything that is happening is coming naturally now. They may not be overly affectionate to one another outside the safety of their bedroom walls, but they’re content to be taking things slowly for the moment. They’re testing the waters and figuring the whole _relationship_ thing out together.

Together. Just as they had said they would.

They’re together now, side by side in the very small single bed, pressing against each other in a way that is uncomfortable. Neither of them make an attempt to move though. This is something they have become used to now and he'd rather be uncomfortable than spend a night without Ben by his side. They’ve spent every night together over the last couple of weeks, whether it be here in Ben’s bedroom or at the other end of the hallway in his own. Even though Callum often wakes in the night to an elbow digging into his side or Ben’s foot kicking at his ankle as he shuffles around in his sleep, he wouldn’t change a thing. He wouldn’t change a thing even though he wakes up every morning with his muscles aching and a sore back from having slept in an awkward position. He no longer wants to sleep anywhere that Ben isn’t. He doesn’t think he’d even know how to anymore.

Beside him, Ben’s chest is still heaving as he continues to breathe heavily from exertion and he’s sticky with sweat and cum. Callum feels sated and sleepy and the only reason he hasn’t fallen asleep yet is because he’s now thinking about things like double beds and shared housing and what that would mean for himself and Ben.

His thoughts are interrupted when Ben stretches his arm out to the side before sitting up and rolling out of the bed. A moment later, he hears the flick of a switch and the low light from the desk lamp brightens up the room. He takes a moment to allow his eyes to trail down the length of Ben’s naked body as the man moves towards the door of the en-suite.

“Going for a shower,” Ben says, leaning up against the now open door and looking back at Callum. “You can join me if you want.”

It’s not a question nor does he wait around for a response, instead walking into the en-suite and leaving the door slightly ajar behind him as he goes. Sharing a shower with Ben isn’t something he’s ever done before – he definitely isn’t counting their game of Hide and Seek – and now that the opportunity has been presented to him, Callum decides it’s not something he’s going to pass up on.

Getting out of the bed, he moves towards the en-suite to find Ben already standing in the shower and turning on the spray. Callum watches him for a moment and then Ben is turning, reaching out and pulling him in with him. The water hits him, warm against his skin, and then Ben is there, wrapping an arm around his neck and pulling him down to kiss him slowly.

It’s nice. Relaxing even. There’s no rush, no heat, just the two of them kissing languidly and at leisure. Callum traces his fingers along Ben’s skin, starting out at his neck and travelling down his spine and then back up again. He makes lazy patterns across the soft flesh and hears the small moans of pleasure that it brings. Even after all this time he still doesn’t know every bump and every crevice to Ben’s body, always too caught up in the moment to learn. But he wants to learn now. So he continues on in his patterns, making a mental map and committing it to memory.

His lips never stop moving against Ben’s, soft and sweet and wonderful, and he wonders why they’ve never done this before – why they’ve never just kissed for the sake of kissing. Before now, kissing has always been a precursor, but now, kissing Ben like this, it feels like it could be the main event.

Only Ben is pulling away then, eyes still closed and smiling before he’s turning and reaching out for the shower gel. Callum watches on as he starts to wash himself and all he wants to do is pull Ben back towards him, feel the touch of his body underneath his hands once more.

“Can I wash your hair?”

Ben looks as startled by the question as Callum feels. He’d barely thought it before the words were coming out of his mouth but now that they’re out there he realises it’s something he really wants to do.

“Uh, no one’s ever…..” Ben starts and Callum almost regrets asking when he can see the hesitancy. Ben looks towards the bottle of shampoo that stands on the shelf and then back at Callum before nodding a little.

Callum beams but Ben still looks unsure. Putting his hands gently on Ben’s shoulders, he turns the man away from him and then brings his hands up to Ben’s hair, carding his fingers through it carefully.  
  
“Do you want me to stop?” he asks when Ben still hasn’t relaxed under his touch. Ben shakes his head though, and Callum adds, “Okay, just let me know if you do.”

He carries on moving his hands through Ben’s hair and then pauses. Leaning forward, he puts a hand to Ben’s chin and turns his head to kiss him a little in what he hopes is reassurance. Ben sighs then, dropping his shoulders and relaxing himself into it and Callum lets him adjust, recognising the vulnerability in front of him. He wants Ben to know he’s safe. When he’s satisfied that Ben feels more comfortable, he takes hold of the shampoo bottle, pouring a small amount into his hands before massaging it into the hair. Callum sees Ben’s eyes close, relinquishing all control, and he feels his heart burst with the knowledge that he has Ben’s trust, knowing how hard it is for him to give away.

Perhaps this is the most intimate they’ve ever been, Callum thinks. But there’s a domesticity about it too and he realises then that he wants to keep this. He wants a lifetime of moments like this between himself and Ben. He wants late nights and early mornings, wants quiet whispers and laughter in the dark, wants to hold Ben and look after him always.

Is this what it feels like to be falling in love?

“You’ve stopped.”

Callum looks down to see his hands have fallen still on Ben’s head. Ben turns and looks at him, eyebrows furrowing.

“What you thinking about?”

But how can Callum tell him? How can he say _‘I think I’m falling in love with you’_? Ben has said it to him and now Callum realises just how scary it is because falling in love is terrifying.

He thinks about the Mitchell’s and wonders how he could have this forever. Maybe no matter how much you want something, it’s just always going to be impossible to have. And the thought of sharing a lifetime of moments with Ben is exhilarating but the thought of Ben’s family being so closely tied to Ben causes him to shiver with the unease of it.

“Water’s going cold,” he says by way of explanation.

Ben doesn’t look like he believes him but nods anyway, washing the last of the shampoo out of his hair himself and then turning off the water.

Callum follows his lead out of the shower and Ben wraps a towel around himself, leaning up to kiss him as he does.

“Stay here. I’ll grab you a spare towel.”

Ben leaves the en-suite and Callum turns and catches sight of his own reflection in the steamed up mirror. He wipes his hand across the glass so that he can see himself clearly but he doesn’t look any different to the way he looked earlier. He feels different though. He feels like he might be falling in love.

He’s still staring at himself in the mirror when Ben returns. He has a towel in his hand and presses a kiss into Callum’s shoulder. Callum watches the two of them in the reflection and then Ben looks up and their eyes meet.

“You okay?” he asks, looking a little concerned.

“Yeah. You?”

Ben nods in response and then smiles bashfully and it causes Callum to smile back as he looks at them both standing there in the mirror, Ben’s head dipping again to press another kiss into the back of his shoulder.

Callum turns, taking the towel from Ben and wrapping it around himself before bringing him in to kiss him properly once more.

“Can’t seem to stop kissing you today,” he whispers as they part. It’s almost like a secret he’s choosing to share with Ben.

Ben smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I’ve noticed. I’m not exactly stopping you, am I?”

Callum feels himself being pulled back in and he goes with it, pushing thoughts of love to the back of his mind and surrendering himself to the kiss and to Ben.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum finds that he can’t seem to stay away from Ben for very long after that. Spending every night together is no longer enough and now he wants Ben around almost every minute of the day. He thinks back to how loving Lola and Jay were around each other at the beginning of their relationship. They were always cuddling and kissing and weren’t afraid to be affectionate when others were around. It isn’t like that for he and Ben – Callum knows they’re both able to show restraint around each other. He doesn’t feel his need to have Ben around has reached unhealthy levels just yet and he’s glad because he doesn’t want to be that person. But sometimes it’s nice just to have Ben around, to be sitting in the same room together even if they’re doing their own thing. He likes the comfort and security that Ben’s presence brings.

And so, when Ben isn’t around, Callum has started to feel the need to seek him out. Tonight is one of those nights. Everyone has gathered in the kitchen which tends to be the norm for their evenings. Lola and Jay are watching a film, curled up on the sofa together. Whitney is sitting on the opposite sofa, highlighter in hand as she reads through a bulky looking information pack. Her eyes are furrowed in concentration as she works and Callum doesn’t want to interrupt her. Ben is missing from their group and Callum has been waiting for him to appear for the past hour now. He's almost ashamed to admit to himself that he feels a little lost without him and after some deliberating, he decides to go and find him.

Excusing himself from the kitchen, he makes his way down the hallway, stopping at Ben’s door before knocking on it once and then poking his head through into the room.

Ben is sitting at his desk, laptop open, and his fingers click wildly across the keyboard.

“Alright?” he smiles, stopping in his typing to look at Callum.

Callum smiles and nods, approaching the desk and leaning back against it. “You’ve not been around tonight. Thought I’d come and find you.”

“Yeah, just trying to finish this essay,” Ben explains, turning the laptop screen so that Callum can see the open word document.

“How’s it going?”

Ben shrugs. “Not bad but making sure I’ve referenced properly is taking up so much time.” He huffs out a laugh and adds, “Don’t fancy adding plagiarism to my list of misdemeanours.”

Callum almost makes a comment about how that should be the least of his worries given some of the greater things Ben has done and been involved with but he doesn’t. They haven’t talked about the Mitchell’s or the crimes Ben had disclosed to him since properly getting together. Callum has somehow learned how to forget about them and perhaps that means he is putting his head in the sand but he wants to move forward with Ben, he wants to be happy with Ben, and he doesn’t know if that will be possible if he thinks about Ben’s past.

“I’ll leave you to it,” he says instead, smiling as he pushes himself away from the desk. Ben makes a grab for his wrist though, stopping him from walking away.

“Come here,” Ben tells him, turning in his chair and Callum finds himself being pulled down onto his lap. “Wouldn’t say no to you distracting me.”

He kisses Ben softly for a moment before looking at him. “You’ve got an essay to finish.”

“I reckon I’m due for a break,” Ben grins up at him, drawing him back in closer as their mouths meet once more.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s three days later when Jay tells him he’s signed them all up for a quiz event in the Student Union Bar.

“I got a staff discount on our entry fee,” he grins happily before adding, “There’s going to be a proper Sunday Roast too!”

“Let’s be honest, that’s the only reason you signed up,” Lola laughs from beside him.

“Course!” he admits. “Can’t beat a good Sunday Roast. Can’t remember the last time I had one.”

Callum doesn’t think his general knowledge is all that brilliant and he’s not sure he’ll be an asset to the team but the thought of Yorkshire puddings, roast potatoes and beef sounds too good to miss out on.

“Right, well it starts in half an hour,” Jay tells him. “I would’ve told you last night but you and Ben never made it out of the bedroom. At it like rabbits you two, aren’t you?”

Callum feels heat flood his cheeks and he ducks his head a little even though he has no reason to. Usually Jay would be right in his assumption but last night he and Ben hadn’t had sex at all. After dinner, Ben had disappeared and Callum had decided to wait in his room for him to return. He’d waited all night and fallen asleep, only to be woken up in the early hours of the morning when Ben came through the door.

“Where’ve you been?” Callum had asked sleepily, rubbing at his eyes so he could see Ben.

Ben had slid into the bed next to him and whispered, “Nowhere. Just go back to sleep.” When Callum had pushed him on it, Ben had replied, “Stuff with my dad that’s all. Nothing important,” and then he’d turned over, pulling Callum’s arm around him and that had marked the end of the conversation.

Callum hadn’t been able to get back to sleep for hours after that, worrying thoughts and scenarios running through his head.

Of course, he knows that Ben is still involved with his dad and with his family in general. It’s just that for the last few weeks he’s been able to ignore it and it’s helped that Ben hasn’t been to see them at any point. At least, Callum is almost certain that he hasn’t. So a small knot of worry forms in Callum’s stomach when he thinks about Ben meeting with his dad last night.

Still, he allows Jay to think otherwise even if getting teased on his sex life makes him squirm.

“I’ll go let Ben know,” he says as he starts to make his way out of the kitchen. “A quiz sounds fun!”

He leaves and heads down the hallway towards Ben’s bedroom just as the door opens and Ben steps out. He has his coat on.

“Where are you going?” Callum questions, gaining Ben’s attention and he doesn't miss the way Ben's eyes widen a little when he sees him.

“Oh, uh, just up to the library. Need a couple of books to get this essay done.”

“Right,” he nods. “Well Jay’s signed us up for some quiz thing over at the SU in half an hour. There’s gonna be a Sunday Lunch apparently.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, I really wanna get this essay finished.”

“We’ll only be a few hours and Jay says – "

“I said no, Callum!” Ben shouts and Callum flinches at his tone. He’s tense. Something isn’t right.

“Are you alright? You look stressed.”

Sighing, Ben brushes a hand through his hair and says, “Yeah, I’m sorry. Think all this work’s just getting on top of me.”

“I can have a look at it and give you a hand if you like?” Callum suggests, though he’s not convinced that the work they’ve been getting from their lectures is really the problem.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Ben insists. “You go to the quiz. I’m just gonna go to the library and pick up some books and then come back here. Honestly, a couple of hours and it’ll be over with.”

Callum nods. He wants to ask what’s really going on, wants to ask if any of this has anything to do with whatever happened last night, but he doesn’t know whether he should.

“I’ll see you later then?”

“Yeah. See you later,” Ben replies, turning and leaving the flat.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As predicted, Callum is useless during the quiz. He makes a guess at some of the answers and is fairly sure he’s helped their team with some of the food related questions but he has to leave most of the answering to Lola, Jay and Whitney. It doesn’t help that his mind is elsewhere and Whitney must pick up on it too.

“Are you and Ben alright?” she asks him once they’ve handed in their quiz for marking. Jay and Lola have gone to the bar to order some drinks whilst they wait for their meal. Callum would be excited about the prospect of some good food but the knot in his stomach has continued to grow ever since Ben left the flat earlier.

“Yeah, we’re fine. Why’d you ask?”

“Just with him not being here…..” She pauses before adding, “I know you said he’s doing his essay but you’ve been out of sorts all day. You’ve not fallen out have you?”

Part of him wants to tell Whitney what’s going on. She had been the one who had encouraged him to ask about the Mitchell’s in the first place. She had told him he had to protect himself. He knows that if he were to talk to her now then she’d tell him to ask Ben outright about his meeting with his dad last night.

Only Callum isn’t sure if he really wants to know.

“We’re fine,” he repeats and is glad to be interrupted by the quizmaster approaching their table with the tub they had been asked to place their phones into at the beginning of the quiz.

He smiles in thanks and takes his phone out of the tub, unlocking it to see that he hasn’t missed any notifications. He stares at the screen, willing it to deliver a message or call or _something_ from Ben but there’s nothing.

“Why don’t you just text him?”

Callum looks up to see Jay and Lola returning from the bar, drinks in hand which they place down on the table before sliding into their seats.

“I wasn’t – "

“Yeah, whatever,” Jay says, rolling his eyes jokily. “Can’t keep away from each other these days, can you?”

Callum sighs, knowing he’s been rumbled. He opens up his most recent chat with Ben and sends off a new message.

_13:07_  
_Just checking in. You ok?_

“Shame he couldn’t come, isn’t it?” Lola is saying when he tunes back in to the conversation.

“Yeah,” Jay agrees. “Who thought Ben would ever pass up the offer of good grub in favour of doing an essay?”

His phone pings and Callum looks down at it to see Ben’s reply.

_13:08_  
_Yeah._

Oh. So that’s that then. One word. Callum doesn’t know how to reply to that and maybe that’s the point. Maybe Ben is so caught up in doing his work that he doesn’t need the distraction. But something still doesn’t feel right and Callum can’t seem to shake the thought.

Before he has chance to think up a way to respond, another message comes through from Ben.

_13:09_  
_Admit it. Your bored without me there 😉_

He takes a moment to read over the words and chuckles a little, feeling the knot that has been sitting unpleasantly in his stomach unravel a little at the light-heartedness of Ben’s tone. Maybe he has been reading into everything today too much.

Not being able to resist the opportunity to tease Ben, he replies:

_13:10_  
_It’s you’re with an apostrophe, not your._

Ben’s reply is almost instant.

_13:10_  
_Easy mistake. Don’t change the subject. You miss me 😉_

He laughs a little at that but he’s not willing to admit that it’s a true statement – he does miss Ben. It’s strange to miss someone you’ve only been away from for a couple of hours and he knows that Ben is only a short distance away, but even so, he’s grown used to having Ben so close by at all times and _liking_ it.

He thinks back to the night Ben had stayed in the flat instead of going on a night out just so that he could keep Callum company whilst he was writing up an essay. Maybe he could support Ben in that same way now. Ben had seemed stressed and maybe Callum could kill two birds with one stone – help him out and stop himself from missing Ben at the same time. Maybe afterwards they could enjoy having an empty flat and Callum could talk him into opening up about his meeting with his family last night.

Making a decision, he stands and pushes his drink Jay’s way.

“You can have that, mate. I’m gonna go and help Ben with his essay.”

“But the food’s coming soon!” Jay protests. “Sunday Roast – the whole works!”

He shakes his head. “I know, I’m sorry. I just want to make sure he’s alright, that’s all. Let me know how we do in the quiz, yeah?”

Not waiting for a reply, he picks up his jacket and leaves the Student Union Bar, stepping out into the cold. Now he’s the one to be passing up on food and all to spend time with Ben. The word ‘Love’ swims around in his head again. Perhaps when it comes to love nothing else exists or matters. He still hasn’t quite got his head around it and wonders if he ever will.

Returning to the flat, he walks into Ben’s bedroom expecting to see him staring at his laptop in concentration or with his head in a textbook as he works. Instead, he finds an empty room with no Ben in sight.

Eyes settling on the desk, Callum sees the disarray before him, most of it covered in a mess of paper and scribbled notes. Approaching the desk to see what Ben has been doing, he realises that he doesn’t recognise any of these notes. None of them are from their psychology course. He rifles through them, pausing when he comes across what looks to be a drawing of a floorplan and Ben’s handwriting marking out different areas. Scanning his eyes across the desk, he sees a printout of a map, thick red pen circling around a small area of the page and an address written at the top in capitals. He doesn’t recognise the address but a quick internet search tells him it’s the place of a disused warehouse for a manufacturing company long since closed down.

Why would Ben be at an empty warehouse? Why had he told Callum that he was doing an essay if he wasn’t?

Callum thinks back to last night and the knot in his stomach grows again. Bringing up Ben’s number on his phone, he presses call. Ben picks up on the first ring.

“So I was right, was I?” Ben’s chuckles, voice cheerful down the line. “You do miss me!”

“Where are you?”

“Uh, in my room doing this essay remember,” is the reply, and Ben says it like it’s obvious, like _of course_ that’s where he is.

Only he isn’t. Callum hates how the lie comes so easily.

“Don’t lie to me, Ben. I’m in your room right now.”

Callum hears the sharp inhale through the receiver followed by Ben’s raised voice. “Why are you in my room?”

“Thought I’d come and help you with your essay. And we have an open door policy, remember? So you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“You ever heard of privacy?”

“You ever heard of locking your bedroom door?” Callum fires back. He’s not in the mood for Ben’s bullshit right now. “I won’t ask again, Ben. Where are you? What’s all this warehouse stuff?”

Ben sighs loudly and then there’s the sound of voices in the background.

“I can’t go into this right now,” Ben hisses but Callum is determined to find out what’s going on.

“I know you’re up to something, Ben. Who’s with you? Is it your family? Whatever you’re doing – "

“Not now, Callum!” Ben interrupts before the line goes dead.

Callum looks at his phone to see that their call has been ended. Has Ben put the phone down on him on purpose or is he in trouble? And who is he with right now? And why is he at that warehouse?

A wave of anger gushes through him at the thought of Ben lying to him. He’s always said that he doesn’t want to have any involvement with the Mitchell’s but Ben going out there and implicating himself in who knows what, potentially putting himself at risk in the process, is something that Callum doesn’t like the thought of being shut out of.

But more than anger, it’s a sudden urge to protect Ben that courses through him and, acting on that and adrenaline alone, he grabs at the map and floorplan before he can think about the consequences.  
  
It’s surely stupidity to be going after Ben but that’s what he’s doing. He’s going after Ben.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It takes longer to get to the warehouse than he had thought it would. After googling for directions and using the tube service, he’d had to get a taxi the rest of the way, something he hadn’t been keen about doing. He knows it isn't the most inconspicuous of arrivals but getting to Ben quickly has taken priority over keeping himself safe.

It has occurred to him on the journey that Ben may not even be there. It's possible that he's going on a wild goose chase for nothing. Just because the notes for the warehouse had been on Ben’s desk doesn't necessarily mean that that’s where he’ll be.

It also occurs to him that if Ben is there then the likelihood is that he won’t be on his own and Callum has no plan of action in mind for what he’ll do if that turns out to be the case.  
  
When he eventually arrives, getting the taxi to drop him at the end of the street and approaching the warehouse on foot, he realises just how big it is. There's a large expanse of land that he discovers laying behind it which consists of several outbuildings. As he gets closer, Callum realises that one of the outbuildings is a portacabin and notices the sign that is nailed to the door which reads ‘Staff Only’. It's wearing away, words fading and Callum wonders just how long it's been since people actually worked here.

He looks back towards the warehouse and then towards the portacabin again. Both are derelict from what he can see and there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of anyone else around. He looks towards the outbuildings further away and wonders if he should perhaps explore them. But the truth is that if Ben is here then he could be in any one of these buildings and Callum really doesn’t know where he should start. Wherever he chooses to begin, he realises now that he’s out of his depth, no plan in mind for any eventuality.

Taking a moment to try to put together a plan of action for himself, he moves to sit behind a low wall in the hopes that he won’t be spotted before he has chance to decide what he’s going to do. It’s beginning to rain but Callum ignores it in favour of looking out at the buildings ahead of him. He considers calling Ben and listening out for the sound of his ringtone to indicate his whereabouts. He considers telling Ben he’s here in the hopes that Ben will come to him rather than him having to go to Ben.

He’s interrupted by the sound of a door creaking open and turns in the direction to see a well-built looking man leaving the portacabin. There’s a small parcel in his hand which he stuffs into the pocket of his jacket before walking away, disappearing out of sight as he rounds the corner of the warehouse. Callum listens out for any further noise but the only ones he can hear are the sound of his own heartbeat thudding loudly in his ears and his breathing which has become heavy and erratic now. The sight of that man has reminded him that he really has no idea what he’s doing.

It’s different here. Real life is happening at the other side of these buildings – buses and taxi’s and people going about their day. But here is something darker – something criminal. Callum doesn’t belong here.

He needs to leave. It was a stupid idea to come. Whatever Ben is doing, it’s already underway by the look of it. Callum just prays that he’ll stay safe. As if to enforce his decision, Callum feels the pattering of rain getting heavier and he knows he has to go. This whole plan to come and get Ben, to save him as if that’s something that he could ever do, has been so silly.

Taking in a view of the buildings once more and feeling satisfied that no one else is around, he stands and quickly moves across to the warehouse again, heading in the direction of the main road. He’s almost there and is about to turn the corner when he’s being grabbed at and thrown backwards, his back hitting the wall of the warehouse as a hand grasps at his jacket.

He doesn’t have time to shout out or fight against it, the shock of the movement rendering him unresponsive.

Then he’s hit by a wave of relief.

“Ben!” he gasps, eyes steadying on the man in front of him now.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Callum?” Ben hisses, keeping a tight grasp on him and holding him firmly against the wall.

He looks angrier than Callum has ever seen him, his eyes dark and a furious expression on his face. But he’s here and he’s okay and if he’s angry then that’s fine because all that matters is that _he’s okay._

“Could ask you the same thing,” Callum remarks, still feeling breathless.

“You can’t be here!”

“You shouldn’t be here either, Ben. What are you doing?”

He feels the material of his jacket being grasped hold of tighter as Ben hisses, “I’m not explaining myself to you right now. You need to go back to the flat, do you hear me?”

Only that isn’t the right thing to say because Callum feels his fear and his relief that Ben is safe being overtaken by his own anger once again. He’s being shut out _again_. He’s being lied to _again_. And he’s not going to be ordered about by Ben.

“No,” he says firmly. “Not unless you come with me.”

“It’s not a suggestion, Callum!” Ben snaps. “If you don’t leave then I’m going to be forced to do something I really don’t want to do.”

He can’t deny that the threat perturbs him. He’s never seen this side to Ben before. But he’s certain that Ben won’t do anything to hurt him and even if he tries, Callum thinks he’d have a good chance at fighting back.

“Please!” Ben continues on desperately, stamping his foot in frustration. “I’m trying to keep you safe! Can you just do this one thing for me?”

He doesn’t want to. He wants to stay here and argue it out until Ben relents. He wants to drag Ben away to the safety of their university campus or anywhere else other than where they are right now and find out exactly what’s been going on. But he isn’t sure he wants to find out what Ben’s threat entails. Just because Ben won’t hurt him doesn’t mean that no one else will.

“Fine,” he replies, not happy about being the one to back down but feeling as though he doesn’t have any other choice. “But this isn’t over, Ben.”

“You’re right. It isn’t.”

It sounds like a warning.

Ben lets go of his jacket and steps away, turning in the direction of the portacabin in the distance. Callum watches him go and thinks that this may well mark a turning point for them. Ben will always choose the Mitchell’s. He’ll always choose this. And Callum will always be world’s apart.

He turns away from Ben and walks in the opposite direction, the distance between them getting greater as he heads back towards the main road and normal life.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos left on the last chapter! It's really nice to know that this story is being enjoyed :) 
> 
> Following on from the day at the warehouse and taking us through to the end of the semester, here's the next chapter. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-One  
  
  
  
  
**

It is almost two hours later when Ben returns to the flat. Callum has been sitting in his bedroom ever since he returned himself, looking over the papers on Ben’s desk and trying to make sense of what has been happening at the warehouse today. His anger still hasn’t faded, not even after Jay had told him that their team came in second place in the quiz and how the prize had been of the alcoholic variety. Jay, Lola and Whitney have been sitting in the kitchen watching a film ever since but Callum had declined the invitation in favour of waiting on Ben.

He isn’t sure what he’s more angry about – the fact that Ben has gone out there and got involved with some kind of Mitchell scheme or the fact that he’s been shutting Callum out and lying about it. He’s certain that whatever Ben was doing today was both dangerous and illegal and even though he’s said on many an occasion how much he wants no part of it, Callum can’t help but feel fearful of the unknown now.

When Ben returns and throws open the bedroom door, Callum isn’t surprised to see the outrage on his face.

“You had no right turning up like that!” he shouts, flinging his keys down onto the desk. “Did you have any idea what you were doing? You put us both at risk!”

Callum stands from where he’s been sitting, unwilling to stay quiet any longer. “Do you want to tell me what was going on today?”

“That’s none of your business!”

“When you leave your stuff lying around then I’d say it’s anyone’s business, wouldn’t you?”

Ben slams his hands down on the desk angrily, sending some of the paper from the top flying.

“And what was that threat about?” Callum asks when Ben doesn’t say anything more. “About being forced to do something you didn’t want to do unless I left?”

“I was trying to keep you safe!”

“Well, have you thought that maybe I was trying to do the same for you, Ben?”

Ben looks at him firmly and it sounds cold when he grits out, “I can look after myself.”

“Well, so can I!” Callum fires back. He’s so tired of Ben thinking that he can’t protect himself. So tired of Ben thinking he’s incapable.

“No, you can’t. Not around blokes like that you can’t.”

And sure, he’d been out of his depth today but he would have dealt with whatever had come his way if he’d had to. He would have stepped up. He would have done anything to protect both himself and Ben. And isn’t that what this is all about when it really comes down to it? Protecting each other? Isn’t that the cause of this argument?

“You know, one day you’re going to end up dead, Ben,” he says bluntly. He needs Ben to understand what a life of _this_ could lead to. Just because he’s a Mitchell doesn’t mean he’ll always stay safe.

Ben scoffs. “I didn’t know you cared so much.”

“Well you obviously don’t otherwise you wouldn’t be going out there and putting yourself in danger like this!”

“It’s not danger. It’s my life. And maybe you should try living life on the edge every once in a while instead of being so vanilla.”

The words are cutting, cold and cruel, and he knows that Ben doesn’t mean them, he doesn’t mean any of it, but even so, Callum decides he’s had enough of this conversation. They’re getting nowhere and if Ben is going to keep his feet so firmly planted on Mitchell ground then what more can he do?

“You know what, Ben? I’m tired of feeling on edge all the time!” he exclaims. “Ever since I met you that’s all I feel and I’ve had enough! And to think that I was actually starting to – "

He stops abruptly, swallowing back the rest of the words and stopping them from falling from his lips. This is not the time for declarations of love. Ben had told him that he was falling in love with him in the middle of an argument – he’s not about to do the same.

Ben is watching him carefully, the anger fading from his face as realisation dawns on him.

“Starting to what?” he prompts, but Callum can’t say it. He’s not going to say it. Ben knows though. He always has been able to read Callum like a book.

Striding passed him, Callum makes a bid for the door, eager to leave the room, but no sooner as he pushes down on the door handle, Ben’s hand grabs at his, pulling him away.

“You can’t tell me something like that and then walk out.”

He’s not doing this now. “Just move out of my way, Ben.”

Only Ben doesn’t move away. Instead, he closes the gap between them, placing a hand against Callum's chest, and his voice is low and gruff when he says, “Make me.”

Callum stares down at him and sees desire in his eyes. Ben’s eyes remain on his own, challenging him in a way that Callum has come to understand from the first couple of times they had slept together. He has a choice to make. Walk out, away from this conversation and away from Ben or stay and call a temporary truce in the hopes that it will bring them out of this battle together on the other side.

He makes a decision.

Grabbing at Ben’s shoulders, Callum pushes him backwards until he’s hitting the opposite wall, hearing the inhale of surprise as he does. And then they’re kissing, hard and rough, tongues battling against each other as Ben’s hands travel across his body, scrabbling for purchase. Callum is right there with him, pulling at Ben’s jacket and shirt desperately. Ben is dragging him closer whilst his free hand expertly undoes the buckle of Callum’s belt before ridding him of his jeans and boxers in one fell swoop.

“Want you,” Ben demands, breaking away from Callum momentarily to make a grab for the bottle of lube at the other side of the room.

Callum starts to follow him but Ben is returning to his side quickly, leaning against the side of the desk and handing the bottle to him.

“Not the bed. Want you here.”

Callum glances towards the desk, sees the piles of paper that are still there from whatever job Ben had been doing for the Mitchells, and he feels a thrill sweep through him with the knowledge that right now, in this moment, none of those things matter. None of those things matter when it's just the two of them. When he doesn't move, Ben pulls the remaining clothes from both of their bodies, leaving them both fully undressed and waiting.

“Need you to fuck me,” Ben urges, drawing him close once more and breathing the words into his skin. “Need you to teach me a lesson. Show me how mad you are at me.”

He feels his anger drain away at the request, thrown off-kilter by what Ben is asking of him. Ben presses open-mouthed kissed to his chest but Callum can’t concentrate, too fixated on what Ben wants from him. His imagination runs wild with all the things he wants to do but he’s never been very experimental when it comes to sex and he realises suddenly that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. This is new for him – uncharted territory.

Ben must realise he’s stalling because he pulls back and Callum feels a thumb and forefinger at his chin, tilting his head until he meets Ben’s hungry eyes.

“Or do I have to go out and find someone else to do the job?” Ben prompts as if he can see Callum’s uncertainty.

They’re just empty words but they have the desired effect, jealousy consuming him all at once at the thought of someone else with their hands on Ben.

Tossing the bottle of lube onto the desk and grabbing at Ben once more, he hooks his hands under his thighs and lifts him, pushing him back into the wall again. It’s clear that Ben isn’t expecting it, his eyes widening before instinctively wrapping his arms and legs around Callum to stop himself from falling before shaking with laughter. He’s suddenly full of bravado again and his eyes gleam mischievously at Callum.

“Touched a nerve, Highway? The thought of someone else giving it to me good and proper?”

“Shut up,” Callum spits out, annoyed at the way Ben is purposely winding him up.

“Someone’s getting confident! That why you turned up at the warehouse today? Thought you could tell me what to do, did you?”

The anger that has been lost on him is renewed again as he thinks back to the warehouse and Ben’s insistence at pushing him away.

“Shut up!” he warns, reaching out for the lube whilst pressing Ben back further into the wall to keep him there.

Ben leans into him, biting at his ear harshly before soothing the pain it brings with gentle licks of his tongue. “And what you gonna do if I don’t?” he whispers.

Callum manages to dribble lube over his fingers before pressing a finger to Ben’s entrance. Ben gasps at the coolness of the liquid and Callum pauses to let him adjust.

“Do it,” Ben tells him, meeting his gaze. “Don’t be gentle. Wanna feel it.”

And Callum has never been anything other than attentive during sex but he feels himself get swept up in whatever this is turning into and he finds that he can’t deny Ben of anything. So he presses a finger into Ben without warning causing Ben to cry out at the intrusion before silencing it with a kiss. And Ben responds eagerly, lifting himself as best as he can to encourage Callum on.

Callum sinks further into him – one finger, then two, and then three until finally Ben is pushing at him, breathing heavily as he puffs out, “Now. I’m ready now.”

Nodding, Callum let’s go of his hold on Ben who untangles his legs from around his waist and plants his feet on the ground again. Callum is in the process of figuring out exactly how he wants to do this when Ben staggers over to the desk, throwing aside the rest of the papers that are still lying on top of it and letting them scatter to the floor. He bends over, pressing his chest to the desk before looking back over his shoulder.

“You just gonna stand there?”

Callum can’t help it. The sight of Ben bent over the desk, open and ready for him is almost enough to push him over the edge but he holds back, determined to see this through.

Moving forward towards Ben, he reaches out to cover Ben’s hand with his own which is gripping onto the edge of the desk as he waits. He lines himself up, eyes tracing across the expanse of Ben’s back as he drinks in the sight in front of him.

“What you waiting for?” Ben asks impatiently. “Fuck me! Don’t be gentle about it. Just fuck me!”

Not needing to be told twice, Callum pushes into him. Usually he would wait for Ben to adjust and get comfortable but this time is different and he does as Ben asks, thrusting into him at an alarming speed. He watches the way Ben moves on the desk, taking whatever he is given. He hears the way Ben grunts and moans and keens and feels himself coming undone to the sounds of it. It’s almost embarrassing to know that his orgasm is approaching so soon and he reaches for Ben’s cock, determined to bring them both to the edge together.

This feels different to any other time they’ve had sex before. There’s something so raw about it – so basic. It’s just him and Ben, the sound of their bodies slapping together and filling the air around them. He feels closer to Ben than he ever has before but in a way that’s different. All he can feel is Ben’s heat wrapped tightly around him, drawing him in ever closer.

“That’s it,” Ben breathes heavily. “So good. Feel so full.”

Ben’s babble is mostly nonsense words to Callum who is so focused on chasing his own high that he barely pays any attention. But there must be part of his brain that is still switched on because he’s suddenly hit with the realisation that he isn’t wearing a condom and _that’s_ why this is so different.

Fuck.

_Fuck!_

He pulls out of Ben quickly, just as they’re both coming. His hand continues to move rapidly along Ben’s cock, helping him through it, as his own cum splatters across Ben’s back. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. None of it was. They were arguing; that’s how they got here.

Ben continues to lean across the desk, breathing heavily as he tries to get his breath back. Callum feels shaky, legs quivering as the muscles in them start to feel the exhaustion of the work out they’ve just endured. He makes it across to the en-suite though, reaching for a wash cloth and returning to Ben, wiping at his back to clean him before leaving the cloth on the desk so that Ben can finish the rest of the job himself.

Dropping down onto the bed, he stares up at the ceiling above him as he wonders what the hell just happened.

“Why’d you pull out?”

Callum turns to see Ben pushing himself away from the desk now and leaning back against the wall as he dabs the cloth across his chest and stomach.

“Because we didn’t…..” He pauses, unsure how to say what should be obvious to both of them. “I didn’t…..” He trails off again and sighs, feeling frustrated with himself. How had he let himself get to a point where he had forgotten to wear a condom? He has always been so careful, always been so _safe_ , and now on the day where he’s been trying to do everything to protect Ben he goes and does this instead.

“I wouldn’t have cared,” Ben shrugs, clearly unfazed at the idea of unprotected sex. Maybe that’s how used to it Ben is. Maybe he doesn’t care about staying safe. The very thought of it infuriates him.

“Well you should!” he snaps, sitting up on the bed properly now. “Why the fuck don’t you care about yourself?”

Ben looks puzzled when he responds, “I do.”

“No, you don’t!” Callum shakes his head. “If you gave a stuff about yourself then you wouldn’t be going out and doing these jobs for your dad. You wouldn’t be putting yourself at risk of ending up back in prison just to get a bit of praise from him.”

“Oh, right,” Ben nods, irritation in his tone. “This isn’t about the condom at all, is it? It’s about the warehouse.”

“It’s about both!”

“You’ve always known who I am, Callum. You’ve always known that I get involved in stuff. Why is it suddenly an issue?”

Callum rubs at his face in frustration. Things are different now and he doesn’t know how to explain why. He doesn’t know how to tell Ben that he feels like he’s being shut out. He doesn’t know how to tell him that he’s scared that one day Ben will get embroiled in something that he won’t be able to get out of.

The last few weeks have been something bordering on bliss. It’s been like living a life where that side of Ben doesn’t exist and Callum wants to keep them in that wonderful world that has been built around them and not allow anything bad to threaten it. The thought of losing it, of losing Ben – it’s too much to bear.

The bed dips beside him and Callum looks up to see Ben sitting next to him with concern in his gaze.

“Talk to me.”

Any lingering anger seems to have faded now but Callum doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. He feels more exposed than he’s ever felt before and not just because they’re both sitting here naked, the signs of their love-making still visible on each other’s skin.

“I just don’t want you involved in all of that stuff, Ben. Anything could happen.”

Ben shrugs and says, “It’s who I am though.”

“No, it’s not. That’s not who you are. It’s who you think you should be.” He so desperately wants Ben to see that he’s better than who his father has made him believe himself to be. The Ben he has come to know and develop feelings for is kind and funny and caring and soft. He could have this life that they have been building for themselves over the last few weeks if only he allowed himself to break away from his other one.

Ben stares at him as if he’s mulling it over and Callum hopes for the words to sink in. But then he’s shaking his head. “I know what I’m doing, okay? This is my life. You don’t have to be part of any of that. You and me, we’re good, aren’t we? You don’t have to worry about what’s going on with my family.”

But Callum does worry. Ben has already ended up in so much trouble in the past because of the Mitchell’s and if he continues on down this path then it won’t be any different. Callum wishes he could see that.

Ben reaches out to him and curls their fingers together. “What you did today was stupid. Coming to that warehouse – anything could have happened to you. I get it, I get why you did it, but you can’t do it again.” Callum looks down at their fingers and watches the way Ben’s thumb rubs against his. “Promise me.”

It feels like the battle has been lost. Nothing he says is going to convince Ben that he doesn’t have to do these jobs that his father gives him. Nothing he says is going to stop him from shutting Callum out whenever he gets given a job to do. He’s going to be kept in the dark. His heart sinks at the thought of this being their future. It’s not what he wants for them, or for Ben himself. But he can’t walk away. It’s already too late for that.

So he nods and whispers out, “Promise.”

Ben accepts it, leaning forward to kiss him softly before pulling them both down onto the bed. Callum watches as he settles himself and moves an arm around him to hold him close. They lay like that for a while, the time passing them by slowly as each of them get lost in their own thoughts. It’s Ben who speaks first.

“I’m negative, by the way. Just in case you’re worried.” He lifts his head from Callum’s chest and looks at him. “Got tested at Christmas and it’s only been you since. I assume you are too?”

Ben is right in his assumption but Callum still feels a pang of guilt for putting Ben at risk like that. “That’s not the point,” he mutters quietly. “I don’t even know what happened. I’ve never…..I got so caught up in the moment. I mean, what even was that? It’s almost like you wanted me to hurt you.”

Ben huffs out a laugh. “You couldn’t hurt me even if you tried, Callum. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met.” He pauses and then says, “Maybe we should have talked properly. Maybe I shouldn’t have riled you up like that. But I was mad, alright? We both were. And then you said that stuff about how you were starting to fall for me and….. _God,_ I _wanted_ you and to hell with everything else. Nothing else mattered.”

“I never said I was falling for you.”

“Only ‘cause you stopped yourself. But it’s what you were gonna say, wasn’t it?” Ben questions, looking at him expectantly.

Callum can’t admit to it though. Not out loud. There’s something stopping him, almost like if he admits it then he’ll come to the point of no return even though he passed that a long time ago now.

“You don’t have to say it,” Ben says when the silence gets drawn out for too long between them. “I can wait.”

And Callum believes him but he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready to say those words to Ben. He doesn’t know how the two of them being in a relationship can ever work if Ben can’t break away from the hold his family have over him. Today has made him realise that even if he wanted to ignore it, he can’t. There will always be reminders that Ben is a Mitchell. There will always be something to drag them both back down to solid ground again. And Callum knows that eventually something will have to break.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


There’s no mention of the Mitchell’s after that. Some days, Ben is in and out of the flat like a yo-yo, coming and going whenever he likes. Some days he won’t turn up for lectures or he’ll disappear until the early hours of the morning, all without a word to anyone about where it is he’s going. His disappearances aren’t occurring any more than they usually do but Callum has started to notice them more now; he senses when Ben isn’t around.

Ben doesn’t tell him what he’s doing, doesn’t tell him anything at all, and Callum continues to feel like he’s being kept in the dark. He wants to ask what Ben is involved in, what his family are asking of him. If Ben is just a messenger as he had once proclaimed to be, Callum wants to know why it is taking up so much of his time. He remains silent though, unquestioning, accepting of the fact that an argument will make no difference at all. Not that Ben notices. Callum thinks that maybe he’s starting to get good at hiding how he feels from Ben after all.

Sometimes, Ben spends entire weeks not venturing anywhere at all. Those are the times when Callum can fool himself into believing that he can have it all with Ben – a happy relationship, warmth and laughter, the possibility of something long-lasting. Those times feel very freeing and Callum allows himself to forget for a while that Ben is tied down by his family and that he probably always will be. He gets swept up in the beautiful dream he has created for the two of them – gets swept up in the process of falling in love.

But it’s never too long before Ben is vanishing out of the door again and the illusion he’s been under shatters around him once more.

“What do you think of this one?” Jay asks on an evening that Ben happens to be in the flat. They’re all sitting around the kitchen table, huddled closely together to get a look at the laptop screen that Jay turns their way.

“It’s better than that last place,” Whitney comments, looking at the pictures of the house on the screen as Jay clicks through them. “And it’s a good size as well.”

She’s right. This house does look better than the last one. And the one before that. They have spent the last hour searching for student housing in preparation for their second year at university. It still feels like a long time away, they haven’t even finished their first year yet, but they had been told it was better to find a place to live sooner rather than later if they wanted somewhere decent and affordable.

Callum wishes he could stay living on campus. He likes the set up they have here and even though he’s glad that it’s been silently agreed that the five of them will stay living together, he thinks he’ll miss the security of the university halls of residence.

“Do we really need five bedrooms?” Ben asks for the second time since they started looking. “There’s only Whit who’s gonna need her own.”

Jay sighs. “Yes, Ben, we’ve talked about this. There’s no guarantee that me and Lo or you and Callum will always want to share. Can you imagine what would happen if there was a break up?”

“Are you trying to hint at something here?” Lola asks, feigning offence.

“No, course I’m not babe. It could be these two for all we know.”

Callum sees Ben frown, clearly irritated by what Jay is insinuating.

“Uh, excuse me, me and Callum are solid,” Ben defends, glancing across Callum’s way. “Isn’t that right?”

He nods in agreement. “Yeah. Yeah, course we are.”

He feels a pang in his chest as he says it though. He wants it to be true but he’s just not sure if it is. They might be stable right now, but how long is that going to last if Ben keeps hiding things from him? It isn’t the kind of relationship he wants to have with Ben and whilst Ben continues to do work for his family, Callum isn’t sure how long they’re likely to last.

“Jay’s right though,” he adds carefully. “We better find a place with five bedrooms just to be on the safe side.”

Ben’s face clouds over at that and Callum tries to ignore how hurt he looks in favour of turning back to the laptop on the table. He doesn’t want to hurt Ben but Jay _is_ right. None of them know what the future will bring. He and Ben may break up or Jay and Lola may break up. It’s better to be cautious rather than risk finding themselves in a difficult situation later down the line.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“What was that about earlier when we were talking about houses?” Ben asks that night when they’re curled up in bed together. They have just settled down for the night, Ben’s head resting on Callum’s chest as it always seems to do these days when they’re falling asleep, a thumb stroking lightly against his side.

“Nothing really. It just made sense that’s all.”

“’Cause I know sharing a single bed isn’t exactly comfy but we make it work, don’t we? And I’m sure we can find houses that have doubles if we keep looking” Ben continues, thumb still sliding along the side of Callum’s ribcage. “We haven’t slept in different beds for ages now. Just seems silly to be paying extra for bedrooms that we don’t need.”

And it’s true. They haven’t been sleeping separately since the night they had all gone out to the club, the night Ben had felt Callum was ashamed of him and Callum had agreed to give a relationship a try. That was almost two months ago now so Callum can understand Ben’s reasoning. But he can’t explain his fears for the future. He can’t tell him that he doesn’t know whether they’ll even be together in another two months from now let alone in a whole year’s time.

“I just think it’s better to play it safe that’s all,” he says, hopeful that Ben will drop the subject.

Ben persists though, turning a little to look up at him in the darkness. “Why? Do you not want to be with me anymore? Is that it?”

Callum can hear the trepidation in his voice even as he tries to mask it behind an impassive expression. He rolls them both onto their sides so that he can look at Ben properly.

“Of course I wanna be with you, Ben,” he tells him firmly, intent on making Ben believe it. He should just tell Ben about his worries but he knows it would only lead to another argument about how tied to the Mitchell’s Ben is and he doubts that will get them anywhere. Ben isn’t even willing to consider walking away from them. “I’m just thinking practically that’s all.”

Ben looks at him closely for a moment and then says, “Okay, if you’re sure that’s all it is.”

“I’m sure,” he insists, kissing Ben softly and hoping that his fear of where they’re heading will lead to nothing.

Allowing Ben to nestle back down into his chest, Callum curls an arm around him and holds him tight, closing his eyes as he waits for sleep to come.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a few days later when the first talk of summer occurs. Callum had been talked into going for a drink with Lola and Whitney a couple of hours ago and Ben had joined them not long after that, returning from wherever it was that he’d been to that day. Callum knows he likely won’t find out the answer to that. Jay is working a shift behind the bar, moving around with a confident ease that he’s developed in the time that he’s worked here. Lola watches as he throws a cocktail shaker up in the air, showing off some of the tricks he has learned and laughing with the other bar staff.

“He’s going to miss working here, isn’t he?” Whitney says, her eyes following Lola’s gaze.

“Yeah, he loves it,” she nods in reply. “Mind you, I reckon he’ll renew his contract when we come back in September. Especially if it means he can carry on showing off like that.”

Whitney laughs. “It’s weird how fast this year’s gone, don’t you think? It won’t be long until we’re moving out of the flat and having to go back home for the summer.”

The mention of summer fills Callum with dread. They’re only in the middle of April but he knows that the rest of the semester is mostly going to be filled with assignments and deadlines and searching for student accommodation and that will surely fly by. There’s so many uncertainties and Callum feels much like he did on that first day of arriving on campus – out of his comfort zone and like he’s walking on unsteady ground.

“Well, congratulations, Whit!” Ben grins from where he’s sitting beside Callum. “You’ve survived your first year living with me. Bit surprised you’ve agreed to a second if I’m honest but I’m touched that you want to spend more time with me.”

Callum digs his elbow into Ben’s side in a bid to get him to stop teasing but it only makes Ben’s grin grow wider.

“You’re hilarious,” Whitney comments sarcastically.

“So it’s been said. How about I get you another drink to show you I’m not the big, bad monster you seem to think I am.”

She rolls her eyes but smiles anyway, pushing her glass forward towards him as he stands, sliding out of the booth they’re in. “Anyone else?”

“Vodka coke if you’re offering,” Lola requests.

“Callum?”

“Uh, yeah, go on then. I’ll come and help you.”

Ben nods and heads towards the bar and Callum picks up his bottle, drinking the last of the contents before moving to follow after him.

“Remind me again what you see in him?” Whitney says, her words stopping him in his tracks. He huffs out a laugh and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes once more. She still doesn’t particularly like Ben and still doesn’t engage in conversation with him unless she absolutely has to, but Callum thinks that her willingness to continue living with him is a huge step in the right direction. At the very least they could learn to have an excellent love-hate relationship if they put their minds to it.

Throwing a smile in Whitney’s direction, he walks away from the booth and over to the bar. Jay is already serving Ben when he gets there and Callum is about to compliment him on his cocktail making skills when he realises they’re mid-conversation.

“Course she’ll miss you!” Ben is saying, leaning against the bar and offering Jay a smile. “Smitten you two, aren’t you? And you’ll probably see each other all the time.”

“You think so?” Jay asks.

“Course I do!” Ben looks at Callum and says, “Tell him, will you?”

Callum looks between them. “What have I missed?”

“I was just filling Jay in about what we’ve been talking about and now he’s worried that he and Lola won’t survive the summer break.”

“I never said that!” Jay interjects, looking appalled at the idea. “It’s just a long time to be away from someone, isn’t it?”

Why is everyone talking about summer? He doesn’t want to think about it and now it’s all he _can_ think about. It’s been like an elephant sitting in the back of his mind that he’s been happy to ignore, determined not to deal with it for at least another few weeks yet. But now everyone is talking about it and the anxiety of the unknown grows inside him.

“Then you have to make the effort, don’t you? Both of you. You’ll make it work,” Ben tells Jay insistently.

Callum nods in agreement but his mind has already trailed off to thoughts of his own relationship with Ben. It’s one thing to know that he’ll have to go back home during the summer break and spend time around his dad again, but he hadn’t considered not being able to see much of Ben. He doesn’t know how they will make it work. Ben can hardly come over to his house and there’s no way in hell he’ll be making a visit to Ben’s house and risk seeing one of the Mitchell’s. So how will they see each other?

And that’s another thing. Ben is going to be back at home too and Callum worries that the time spent in the Mitchell fold will bring him closer to his family than ever. Callum won’t even have an inkling as to whether he’s doing jobs for them or not. He won’t know anything at all because he won’t be around to see Ben come and go. He’ll be well and truly in the dark.

“What about us?” he hears himself blurt out once Jay has walked away to serve someone else.

Ben throws him a look of confusion as he picks up his and Lola’s drinks. “Huh?”

“This summer. I mean, we might not see each other. It’ll be harder to meet up and stuff won’t it?”

He doesn’t know why he’s asked this. It would have been better to ponder over it silently like he’s done with everything else over the last few weeks than to bring the topic up with Ben now.

“We’ll see each other,” Ben replies casually like it’s just a fact. Only it’s not a fact. It’s not as easy as that and now that Callum is thinking about it, he realises just how much could stand in their way.

“I just don’t know how that’s gonna be possible, Ben,” he starts, not liking how worried he sounds. Ever since the very beginning it has always been Ben who has wanted to talk about stuff like this. Ben has always been the one to concern himself with the smaller things whilst Callum has tried to avoid them at every opportunity. Now though, the tables have turned and it’s Callum who finds himself seeking reassurance. He doesn’t like how the thought of not being able to see Ben makes him feel. “My dad doesn’t know about you. Neither does Stuart. You won’t be able to come round whenever you like. We probably won’t be able to even spend a night together.”

Ben opens his mouth to respond but before he gets chance, there’s someone pushing between them forcing he and Callum apart.

“I thought it was you,” the guy smiles. He’s talking directly at Ben, apparently not even aware of Callum’s presence nor the fact that he’s just interrupted something. His eyes trail over Ben’s body for a moment. “Haven’t seen you around in a while.”

Callum notices the recognition on Ben’s face who glances towards him quickly before looking back at the guy standing between them.

“Alright, Liam? Guess I’ve just been busy,” Ben responds. There’s reservation in his tone but he’s not being unfriendly towards the guy.

Liam is clearly very attractive, tall and lean with a physique which shows that he’s obviously been making use of the student gym on campus. And with the way he’s leaning in towards Ben and has a hand at his elbow, Callum can only assume that they know each other quite intimately.

He isn’t jealous.

Turning his gaze away from the two men as if to prove that he really isn’t interested in what they have to say, Callum slides his and Whitney’s drinks along the bar towards himself, lifting his own to his lips as he considers whether to return to their table.

“We should catch up some time,” he hears Liam say, “Go for a drink or something.”

“Sure. I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

Callum feels something burn in his chest at Ben’s words and tells himself that it’s just the effect of the alcohol.

“Alright, I’ll see you around then,” Liam replies gleefully and Callum feels him move away and turns to watch him walk over to a table in the far corner of the bar where he friends slap him on the back and laugh as if praising him for asking someone like Ben Mitchell out.

“We’ll see each other,” Ben says, gaining his attention once more and Callum realises he’s talking about summer, picking up on their conversation as if it had never been interrupted.

“Yeah, if you’re not busy,” he mutters, mentally kicking himself for the way it comes out.

Ben smiles softly, shaking his head. “You don’t have to be jealous about him, you know. I was just telling him what he wanted to hear. Besides, I don’t sleep with the same bloke more than once, remember?” His eyes twinkle as he adds, “Well, apart from my one exception.”

“I’m not jealous,” he argues, ignoring the part about being Ben’s exception.

“Whatever you say. But just in case you are, remember that it’s you I want.” Ben steps closer, knuckles brushing against the back of Callum's fingers, the drinks in his hand stopping him from being able to reach out properly. “No one else comes close, yeah?”

Callum looks down at him and sees the sincerity in his eyes. Ben never fails to render him speechless when he says things like this and it’s something he doubts he’ll ever get used to.

“Yeah,” he breathes, pushing back against Ben’s fingers for a moment longer before Ben is nodding minutely and moving away, leading the way back towards Lola and Whitney.

_No one else comes close._

Callum knows Ben means that and he knows the same can be said for himself too. Ben has his heart – it was inevitable, wasn’t it? And Callum wants him to keep it safe, wants him to hold it close and not break it or let it go, but he can’t help but allow the anxiety that has been building to completely take over him. He’s desperate to keep what they have but with summer approaching, so much threatens to stand in their way.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The weeks fly by just as quickly as Callum had expected them to. Hunting for a house for their second year continues until they finally settle on somewhere they’re all happy with and where they can be together. It has five bedrooms which Callum is happy about even though he hopes he won’t have any need for one of his own. It would feel too much like tempting fate to get a house with any less.

He gets lost in a mountain of work, the assignments piling in quickly. He spends time helping Ben and Lola with theirs, offering support where he can, and they do the same for him. Ben still goes out to see his family and still continues to keep such business to himself. Callum knows their days together in the flat are numbered and his fear of what will happen when they go home for summer continues to grow. Ben acknowledges his worries, sensing that they’re there without Callum having to tell him, but he doesn’t understand what it is Callum is worried about and Callum can’t tell him. How can he tell Ben that he’s worried the time apart will break them? How can he tell him that even if it doesn’t, Ben’s continued involvement with his family will? There’s nothing he can say and very little that Ben can do.  
  
Time passes them by quicker than he wants it to and he just needs it all to stop.

But it doesn’t stop and before Callum knows it they’re reaching the end of the semester and all that’s left to do is to return home. Most of their assignments can be submitted online now. There’s no reason for them to be here any longer. But Callum can think of a very good reason to stay – although he doesn’t think that the staff in the accommodation office will bend the rules just because he’s gone and fallen in love.

On the last day, Callum avoids leaving the flat for as long as he can. It doesn’t matter that everything has been packed away leaving each room as bare as it was when he’d first moved in, still he remains sitting on the mattress that was once his bed as he tries to delay the inevitable.

Whitney leaves first, then Jay and Lola who are keen to say goodbye privately before they have to part ways, until it’s just himself and Ben left.

Knowing that the time has come, he sighs, standing from the bed and reaching for his bags. Taking one last look at the room that holds so many memories, he leaves, letting the door swing closed behind him.

Callum discovers that Ben has stopped in his own packing when he reaches his bedroom. There’s a jumble of clothes on the floor, bags sitting open and only half filled. Ben is lying on the bed, propped up against his pillow with an arm crooked behind his head. He looks up when Callum walks in. His face remains expressionless but Callum can see beyond the mask now. He knows Ben is feeling all of the things he is.

Silently moving across the room, he climbs onto the bed and Ben puts his arm out, encouraging him to rest his head on his chest. Callum settles with Ben beneath him. The soft rise and fall of Ben’s chest and the sound of his steady heartbeat brings him comfort he didn’t know he needed. He feels Ben’s fingers gently tracing patterns along his back and he closes he eyes, wishing that he had the power to stop time.

“I don’t want to go home,” he whispers, not daring to say it any louder in fear of disturbing the comforting peace around them.

Ben inhales deeply before replying, “I don’t either.” He pauses, then adds, “I wonder what would happen if we both just stayed here and didn’t hand over our keys? Could be just you and me for the whole of summer.”

Callum smiles at that. It’s a nice thought. How long would it be before anyone realised they had never left? How long would it be just the two of them before the world stormed in, taking over everything they have come to know?

“It’s going to be hard going back,” he says, thinking of home now. “I feel like I’ve found a life here that’s better and I don’t want to leave it behind, you know?”

He doesn’t know if what he’s saying makes any sense but what he does know is that he’s not only leaving Ben behind today but Lola and Whitney and Jay as well who have all become his family and who he can’t imagine no longer seeing every day. Going back home to his dad and Stuart is going to be difficult after finding so much happiness here in the flat.

“It won’t be forever,” Ben tells him. “We’ll be back in September. I know what you mean though. Being at uni has been like living a double life sometimes – it’s been nice to get away from stuff.”

“I know you said you can’t break away from them, your family I mean, but have you ever thought about trying?”

He knows he shouldn’t ask, but he’s spent the last couple of months keeping quiet and now that they’re leaving he feels like this could be his last chance before Ben inevitably grows closer to the Mitchell’s once more.

“You know why I can’t, Callum. I know too much. Walking away from them would never be an option for me.”

Callum nods. It’s the answer he had expected but it was worth a try, especially now when he feels as though he has everything to lose. Ben has confirmed that his family will always comes first, they’ll always be a part of who he is, and Callum doesn’t know how much longer he can watch Ben go to them in the hopes that he’ll return again safely. There’s a quiet voice inside his head questioning if this will be the last time he and Ben lay together like this. He hopes with everything he has that it won’t be.

“You reckon you’ll miss me?” Ben asks and Callum can hear the teasing lilt in his tone.

He lifts his head from Ben’s chest to look him in the eye as he jokes, “You wanting me to boost your ego, are you?”

Swatting at Callum’s back playfully, Ben grins, “I’m gonna miss you!”

“You’re going to miss the sex.”

Ben laughs and then his smile fades and he turns serious. “True, but I’m going to miss _you_ more.”

There’s an ache in his chest when he leans forward to press his lips against Ben’s. He really doesn’t want to cry.

“I’m going to miss you too,” he murmurs when they part, settling his head back down on Ben’s chest again. And as he thinks about the months to come, the two of them heading out into the unknown, he whispers, “I already am.”


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented or left kudos on the last chapter! 
> 
> Onwards now to the summer break. This was one of my favourite chapters to write and I hope you all like it. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Two  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum spends the first few weeks of the summer holidays finalising assignments and submitting them online and catching up with the Carter’s and other local faces who all want to know how he’s been getting on at university. It’s strange to be back at home with his dad and Stuart but he tries to spend as much time as he can outside the house, whether it be helping out the Carter’s at the pub or picking up shifts at the restaurant – he finds ways to keep himself busy.

Johnny is keen to ask him about Ben whenever they see each other. Callum knows he cares, but he doesn’t exactly hide the fact that he isn't impressed with the idea of Callum and Ben being together. It’s become a habit for Johnny to try and talk him into going around the gay bars under the guise of educating him, but Callum knows he’s secretly trying to matchmake him with anyone other than Ben.

“It’s not gonna work,” he tells Johnny when they’re sitting in a bar one evening.

Johnny looks towards him in feigned confusion and asks, “What isn’t?”

“Trying to hook me up with other blokes.”

“That’s not what I’m doing!” Johnny defends.

“Yeah, you are! We got here an hour ago and you’ve pointed out three different blokes to me already. I don’t care if they ‘look nice’ or ‘intelligent’ or if they’re ‘fit’,” he says, repeating the words Johnny had used to describe three of the guys in the bar, “I’m not interested.”

Johnny sighs from beside him. “I’m just showing you that you’ve got options, that’s all.”

But none of those guys are options. They never will be when he has Ben because Ben is the only option that he needs. He’ll choose him every time for as long as Ben allows himself to be chosen. Even now, three weeks into the summer and not seeing Ben once in that time, nothing has changed for Callum. He still feels the same – still feels like he’s falling in love and still hoping that love will be enough.

Because his fears for their future hasn’t changed either. He still worries about what Ben is getting involved with and feels more in the dark about it than ever before. Not seeing Ben has been hard and knowing that he’s living back under Phil Mitchell's roof scares Callum. Ben had said that being in the flat at university had been like living a double life and Callum can understand why. At university, Ben had been allowed to be himself and in many ways he had been away from the clutches of his family. Now, he’s very firmly back in their grip. Callum worries that Ben won’t even recognise the effect that being back at home again will have on him and the feeling of not being able to protect him is stronger than ever before.

He and Ben talk on the phone all the time of course. The sound of Ben’s voice simultaneously fills him with joy and brings an ache to his chest like no other. They have tried to find ways to see each other but Ben is so busy with whatever it is that he spends his time doing that on the days when he is free it’s at a time when Callum has a shift at the restaurant. Both of them agree that they want some privacy though when they meet up. After spending weeks apart Callum thinks they’ll be in desperate need of some time alone. But finding somewhere they can be alone is proving difficult.

“What about him?” Johnny asks now, bringing him away from thoughts of Ben.

Callum doesn’t even need to look at the guy that Johnny has pointed out. His answer will always be the same.

“I told you, I’m not interested.”

“But – "

“No!”

Johnny stops trying after that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’ve sorted us somewhere,” Ben tells him at the beginning of their fourth week of the summer break. “How soon can we meet?”

Callum presses his phone a little more against his ear as if it will in some way make him feel closer to Ben. The sound of his voice fills him with longing and makes him miss Ben even more.

“Uh, today? I can meet today,” he answers eagerly. “But where?”

“Don’t worry about that. Just bring your overnight bag, okay? I’ll pick you up outside Canning Town tube station at two.”

Callum furrows his eyebrows. “Pick me up?”

“Don’t be late.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Standing outside the tube station that afternoon, Callum watches as passersby come and go. He’s so excited about seeing Ben that he can barely stand still, hopping from one foot to another as adrenaline runs through his veins. He keeps an eye out for Ben, thinking he’ll come walking out of the station at any minute or strolling along the street, so he isn’t expecting it when a black car pulls up to the pavement and Ben appears, windows rolling down to reveal his grinning face.

“Someone looks like they’re in need of a ride,” he calls out, one hand on the gear stick and the other lightly tapping at the steering wheel. “Hop in.”

He stares at Ben with wide eyes and after a moment Ben chuckles and leans over to push open the passenger door for him. “I don’t care where we are or who might see, if you make me wait any longer then I’m gonna get out of this car and come and snog you right there on the street.”

Shaking his head to break himself out of his reverie, Callum gets into the car and immediately finds himself being pulled forward, Ben’s mouth suddenly on his and kissing him hard. He returns the kiss with his own enthusiasm, feeling breathless when they part, and is met with the smirk on Ben’s face.

“Fucking four weeks, Callum,” Ben breathes, one hand grasping onto Callum’s t-shirt whilst the other grips at his hair, effectively keeping them close. “Four fucking weeks! How the fuck have we managed that?”

Callum laughs, smiling brightly as his eyes roam across Ben’s body. He looks _so good!_ “I’ve missed you,” he says, feeling the way his heart pounds in his chest.

Ben closes his eyes. “I’ve missed you,” he whispers. “Can’t wait to show you how much.”

He presses another kiss to Callum’s lips before he pulls away. Callum misses his touch instantly and wants to drag him back over, but Ben is pulling out into the road and heading off down the street.  
  
Callum takes a moment to collect himself, his entire body thrumming with the euphoria of having Ben by his side again and filled with anticipation over the amount of time they have to spend together.

He glances across at Ben whose eyes are focused on the road ahead.

“I never knew you could drive,” he points out, running his fingers across the soft leather of the seat beneath him, his body still twitching from the effect of Ben’s kiss.

“There’s not a lot us Mitchell’s can’t do, Callum,” Ben smirks and Callum can’t help but grin back at him.

“And this car? Is it yours? Your dad’s?”

Ben reaches forward to turn on the radio, music filtering out of the speakers and filling the car around them.

“We own a Car Lot. I picked out this little beauty especially for today. Thought I’d take it for a spin.”

Callum nods quietly in response. He’s always assumed that any jobs the Mitchell’s were involved with were illegal as well as any money that came with it. It’s surprising to learn that they own what is presumably a fully legitimate business.

“You know the good thing about cars?” Ben asks, smiling across at him. “It’s that no matter what is going on out there in the world, you can just get straight into them and they’ll take you anywhere you wanna go.”

“And where is it that we’re going?” Callum questions, feeling intrigued now.

“You’ll see.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They’re not in London anymore. Callum can’t make a guess at where they are exactly, having no idea of the direction Ben has been taking him, but he knows that the journey has been longer than he had expected it to be and that they’ve been driving down country roads for several miles now, no sign of life anywhere.

He’s about to ask where it is that they’re going to when Ben makes a turn off, driving down a narrow slip road in what looks to be a patch of woodland. Callum feels flutters in his stomach as the road disappears, instead becoming nothing more than a dirt track beneath them.

“Where are we?”

Ben nods his head towards the left and replies, “It’s just up here.”

“What is?”

With anyone else alarm bells would have been ringing but he knows he’s safe with Ben. Even so, he can’t help feeling anxious of the unknown. Why has Ben brought him to the middle of the woods?  
  
“Are we going camping?” he wonders out loud, wishing he’d packed something warmer for the drop in temperature at night.

Ben chuckles and shakes his head. “We’re here.”

Callum follows the direction of his eyeline and it’s then that he sees it. In the far distance he can make out the sight of a river and a building which sits on the edge of the land overlooking the rapidly flowing water. As they come closer, he realises it’s a cabin. There’s wooden steps leading up to the front door and the curtains in the windows are closed, not allowing him to see beyond. It doesn’t look like it’s been kept in the best of conditions so Callum can’t imagine it to be a holiday retreat that Ben has found online.

Curiosity getting the better of him he asks, “What is this place?”

The car pulls to a stop outside the cabin and Ben turns the engine off before getting out and closing the door behind him. Callum watches him walk to the bottom of the steps, looking up at the building in front of him. He’s being quiet. He’s being too quiet.

Getting out of the car himself, Callum walks over to stand beside Ben. He waits on Ben’s response to his question but silence lingers between them and it fills him with nerves.

“Where are we, Ben?” he tries again.

Ben looks at him carefully. “I’m taking a big risk bringing you here.”

“Why?”

Ben digs his hand into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys. “Come on. Let’s get inside and I’ll tell you.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


With the curtains drawn back and light spilling into the room, Callum sits at the small wooden table and observes the rest of the room. There’s a sofa and an armchair across from him, a coffee table placed on a rug made of thick wool which is the only form of carpeting on the wooden floorboards. To the far left are two doors and Callum can only assume that one leads to a bedroom and the other a bathroom. In the centre of the room is a large wooden beam, spanning from floor to ceiling and Callum half wonders if that’s the only thing stopping this whole cabin from falling apart. It’s so minimalistic here and again, he wonders how Ben knows about this place. He turns to look at Ben now who is standing in the small kitchen area behind him and stirring a mug of tea.

When Ben brings over the tea and places it down in front of him, Callum asks, “You gonna tell me where we are now?”

Ben pulls out a chair and sits down beside him, chewing at his lip in deliberation. “My family use it,” he starts slowly. “It’s for when they need somewhere to lie low.”

And it’s not as if that thought hasn’t crossed his mind since they arrived, but Callum really wishes Ben would have told him anything other than that. He presses his hands around the mug, not minding the sting of the burn it brings to his fingers.

“That’s why it’s a risk bringing you here,” Ben explains. “No one’s supposed to know this place exists. Showing you…….This is a big deal, Callum. I can trust you with it, can’t I?”

Maybe Ben had intended it to be a gesture of trust in bringing Callum here. Maybe he is supposed to feel privileged that Ben is putting such trust in him by showing him somewhere that only his family know about. But instead he feels claustrophobic, the walls seemingly caving in at the knowledge that this is the Mitchell’s hideout.

“We need to go,” he says, scraping back the chair and standing up from the table. “I need to go.”

“What? Callum, what’s the matter?”

And Callum can’t believe he even has to ask. “I just feel really uncomfortable, Ben. Being here reminds me of how dangerous this whole thing is. If your family find out about us or about me being here-–"  
  
“Hey, hey, hey,” Ben hushes, moving towards him and raising a hand to his cheek. It grounds him and he focuses on Ben’s touch and tells himself to breathe. “It’s okay. You don’t have to worry about my family. We’ve always agreed that you don’t need to be involved with it. Me and my family and me and you are two completely separate things.”

“Look around you,” he says, motioning around the cabin. “You’ve just involved me.”

Ben closes his eyes and sighs. “You’re safe here, I promise.” Ben looks at him and nods his head as if to reinforce his words. “They’re not gonna know I’ve brought you here. They don’t even know you exist. Maybe it wasn’t the best of places for us to come to but I just wanted to see you and I wanted somewhere that we could be alone.”

Callum understands that. For as much as he doesn’t like it, he knows Ben had the right intentions. It’s just that he’s spent the last couple of months worrying about their future and how entangled Ben is going to get in his family’s web now that he isn’t at university that he had just wanted to see Ben and not have to think about those things. Only now he has no choice but to think about them because he’s standing in the very cabin that they use to evade the police.

“I’ve missed you,” Ben tells him and Callum feels some of his anxiety dissipate.

Taking hold of Ben’s hand and squeezing his fingers tightly he replies, “I’ve missed you too. And I know you didn’t mean any harm in bringing me here.”

“So you’ll stay?”

Doing what he’s started to become good at now, he pushes all thoughts of the Mitchell’s to the back of his mind and nods. “I’ll stay.”

And he will stay. He’ll stay with Ben for as long as he can before the inevitable comes along and pushes them apart. Ben’s family are always going to be there and no amount of wishing for anything otherwise is going to change that.

Ben leans in to kiss him, pecking lightly at his lips. “I was hoping you’d say that. Now, how about I give you a tour starting with the bedroom. We’ve got a lot of time to make up for.”

Pulling on his hand, Ben leads him towards one of the doors, leaving behind the cup of tea and the rest of the cabin. And when he lands on the bed, Ben’s weight on top of him and lips pressing into his skin, he lets Ben take him to another place where he can forget about everything else. A place where nothing else matters but them.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It's a week later when they see each other again, neither of them wanting to have to wait as long as the last time. Ben’s booked them into an overnight stay in a fancy hotel and Callum has never been anywhere so extravagant before.

“You’ve put clothes on,” Ben whines when Callum steps out of the en-suite after having a shower. He’s only put on his t-shirt and boxers but still, Ben doesn’t look impressed.

Callum chuckles and says, “Can’t spend all day naked, you know.”

“Why not? I’d have no complaints.”

He laughs happily at that and pulls out two bottles of beer from the mini-bar. Ben is still lying on the bed, the deep flush of his skin gone now. Callum takes the bottles over, handing one to Ben who sits up and takes a sip before leaning to put it down on the floor. When he sits back up he has his own boxers in his hand and starts to slip them back on.

Callum lets out a huff and Ben laughs.

“Well, if you’re not gonna let me see the goods then why should I let you, eh?” he teases, shuffling until his boxers are firmly back on his body and then settling back down against the pillows.

Rolling his eyes, Callum leans forward and plants a kiss on his lips, feeling the way Ben smiles into it as he does.

“So you think this was a better idea than the cabin, do you?” Ben asks when they part.

Callum nods in agreement. Sleeping in the cabin hadn’t been as bad as he thought it would have been but even so, he was glad to be away from it the next morning and Ben had told him that he would come up with something different for the next time they met. In all honesty, Callum doesn’t care where they are as long as it has no ties to either of their families.

“You know I do,” he says. “Although I do have to wonder how you can afford a night in a hotel like this.”

“Uh, it was nothing dodgy I’ll have you know!”

“Hmm,” Callum responds sceptically. “Well, if I get to see you then that’s all that matters.”

Ben smiles, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he does. “Since when did you get so soppy?”

He laughs and shrugs in response. This is the lightest he’s felt in a long time and it seems that is resulting in him having no filter at all when it comes to showing how he feels. He’s always restrained himself more than Ben has but having such limited amounts of time that they’re able to spend together makes him miss Ben terribly and treasure the moments he has with him even more.

“How’s this gonna work do you reckon?” he asks, thinking about how far away September is. “I mean, this is nice but we can’t keep coming to hotels, can we?”

“Hmm,” Ben sighs. “It’d be so much easier if we could just go round to each other’s houses like normal people but I don’t really fancy getting beaten up by your dad thanks.”

“And I don’t fancy spending a night over at Mitchell Headquarters either.”

Ben shakes his head and says, “I’d never take you there. Dad wasn’t the most welcoming the last time I did that.”

“Did what?” Callum asks, feeling confused now.

“Take someone there.” Ben leans down to pick his bottle up from the floor again, taking a drink from it. “There was this boy called Paul who I went to school with. We weren’t going out properly or anything but I liked him. I liked him a lot.”

This is the first time Callum has ever heard Ben talk about someone like this and he listens, curious to hear the story.

“We were fifteen, both still figuring ourselves out. I hadn’t come out to my family at that point but I reckon they knew. I was always hanging around with Paul, always talking to him on the phone at night, always bringing him round to the house. It was all so new to both of us though. Like, I was still wrapping my head around being gay, you know? And I knew I liked him but I was still figuring out what it all meant. Does that make sense?”

Callum nods in understanding. If it hadn’t been for Johnny coming out to the Carter’s and them being so accepting of it, he doubts he ever would have come out himself at all. Without knowing it, Johnny had given him the push that he needed to embrace and accept himself.

“So did you and him ever get together or….?” Callum trails off, not wanting to push for any more than Ben is willing to give. Ben opening up like this is rare.

“No. I mean, we kissed and stuff but that’s as far as it went. I meant it when I told you I’ve never been in a proper relationship before.”

He remembers that day. Ben had just told him he was falling in love with him and Callum had been in so much shock, blind to Ben’s feelings and his own. He’d been in so much denial until then but that day had forced him to accept that what he and Ben had was more than just sex.

“Anyway, the point is that I wouldn’t put anyone in that position of being in my house again. It’s an uncomfortable experience all round.”

Ben takes another drink from his bottle and Callum realises that’s as much as Ben is going to tell him for now. Perhaps that’s all there is to it. Either way, it’s clear that the conversation is over.

“So no going to yours or mine. That’s something we’re agreed on,” he comments, getting back to their original point.

“Yeah, but we’ll make it work.” Ben pauses and then chuckles when he says, “We’re a bit like a modern day Romeo and Juliet really, aren’t we?”

“Well I'd hope not, Ben! Look what happened to them. They both died!”

“I knew I should’ve taken more notice in my English lessons at school,” Ben mutters, taking another drink and then putting the bottle back down on the floor again.

Callum supposes there are some similarities though. His dad and Stuart would go ballistic if they found out that he had any connection to Ben, never mind the fact that they’re in a relationship now.

“I wish it wasn’t like this,” he says, thinking about how different things would be if it weren’t for Ben’s family. “I wish your family weren’t who they are and that things could be like how they are right now all the time.”

Ben shuffles closer to him and nudges into his side. “They can be. I’ve told you, you don’t have to worry about my family, okay?”

But Ben doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know that the Mitchell’s are all Callum ever worries about. And now that the thought is back in his mind, he can’t ignore it. Every time he thinks he can forget there’s something to remind him. The closer he allows himself to get to Ben, the bigger an issue his family becomes.

“Let’s just forget about it, yeah?” he sighs, pushing himself off the bed and away from Ben.

“Callum, what – What’s wrong?”

He moves around the bed, putting his bottle down on top of the desk and moving across to the window. As he looks out at the streets below, he can feel Ben’s eyes boring into his back, waiting on an answer.

“Nothing, it’s fine,” he tells him, his gaze lingering on a bus that moves down the street before turning a corner and disappearing out of sight. He doesn’t want to talk about this, doesn’t want them to argue when their time together is limited, and he’s done so well to keep this to himself for the last few months, ever since the day Ben had gone to that warehouse really. Their argument that day had been futile and it will only be the same now.

“It’s obviously not fine,” Ben perseveres, not understanding that Callum just wants to let the subject lie. “What’s the matter? We were laughing a minute ago.”

“Just leave it, Ben!” Callum snaps, spinning around to face him. Why does he always have to be so persistent?

Ben sits up properly on the bed and frowns. “Why are you getting mad at me?”

“I’m not – !” He sighs, lowering his tone when he says, “I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad at the situation we’re in. I’m mad at your family for being the people they are. I’m mad that you go off and do whatever you do for them when you shouldn’t have to. I’m mad that things are so good when it’s just the two of us together but that it never lasts because your family always get in the way. I’m just…..I’m mad at a lot of things.”

Ben is looking at him wide-eyed and Callum wishes he’d never said anything at all.

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

He shrugs, leaning back against the window pane. “A while,” he mumbles, annoyed with himself for bringing up the one thing he’s managed to stay silent about for so long.

“And you’re only just choosing to tell me now?”

“I didn’t want us to fight about it, Ben!” he exclaims in defence. “We argued so much after you went to that warehouse and you made it clear that nothing was going to change so what use would it have done to talk to you about it?”

Ben rubs a hand through his hair and looks up at the ceiling. “There’s nothing I can do to change who my family are, just like you can’t do anything to change yours. The Mitchell’s have been this way for generations and there’s a legacy to maintain.”

Callum rolls his eyes, pushing away from the window to pick up his bottle of beer. “Are those your words or your dad’s?” He takes a drink as he waits on a response and when he doesn’t get one he turns around to see Ben staring at him. “Well? ‘Cause you say all this stuff about family and what it means but we both know you’re not happy.”

He still doesn’t get a response and Callum doesn’t know whether to take that as a good sign. Ben has always told him that he can’t break away from the Mitchell’s but he shouldn’t have to go along with everything they demand of him like he’s some kind of puppet on a string.

Moving over to sit on the edge of the bed, Callum decides to make a plea to him knowing that the very future of their relationship could ride on it but feeling like he has to at least try now that he’s come this far.

“You wanna know why I came to uni?” he asks, Ben’s eyes still on his own. “Because I realised it would get me out of my dad’s house and away from that life. I didn’t know what I wanted for myself and I didn’t really think I could do something like uni, but I did it anyway just to get away from home and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.”

He pauses as he thinks about how happy he is now compared to who he was this time last year. Going to university has changed him. Meeting Whitney and Lola and Jay has changed him. Ben has changed him. He can’t imagine what his life would be now if he hadn’t been encouraged to take that leap.

“I know you can’t choose your family, Ben, but you can choose what you do with your life. There’s not this life that’s already been mapped out for you no matter what your family say or make you believe. I know you told me your dad wanted a son who’d follow in his footsteps but you don’t have to be that person. And you know what? If your dad cared for you _at all_ then he wouldn’t expect you to be.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Ben asks, his voice quiet.

Callum takes a deep breath and says the one thing that he’s been trying to ignore for so long. “Because I can’t lose you and that’s the way this is going, isn’t it?”

Understanding dawns on Ben’s face and he shuffles across the bed, closing the space between them.

“Why would you think that? You won’t lose me.”

“You don’t know that,” he responds, open in his fears now. “You could end up in prison or hospital or – or dead for all you know.” His feels tears in his eyes and he forces them back, intent on making his point. “Am I supposed to wait around for that to happen? Because I don’t know if I can do that forever, Ben.”

A tear trickles down his cheek and he’s annoyed with himself for getting upset but he’s so desperate for Ben to see how different life could be if only he wasn’t tied to his family.

Ben reaches out to gently dry his tears away and Callum closes his eyes at the touch.

“Come here,” Ben whispers. And then he’s being pulled into Ben’s arms and holds on to him tightly in return. “You won’t lose me.”

Callum wills himself to believe it but the thought of spending a lifetime with Ben whilst his family still have control over him seems to be impossible.

“I know you think you can protect yourself but it doesn’t stop me from worrying,” he says, pressing the words into Ben’s skin. “You’re my boyfriend and I want to keep you safe.”

Ben stills and then draws back and Callum realises what he’s said. It’s the first time he’s ever called him that.

“Am I?” Ben asks, looking at him closely.

Feeling suddenly unsure of himself he nods a little and says, “I know we’ve never put a label on it, but we are, aren’t we?”

Ben smiles. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.” He kisses him softly and then adds, “I love that you care. And I love _you_.”

He hasn’t said those words ever since the first time he’d told Callum he was falling in love with him. Hearing them now, Callum feels his heart swell and opens his mouth automatically to say the words back but stops himself.

“Why can’t you say it?” Ben asks softly. “I already know.”

“Because – because saying it makes it real,” he whispers.

“And that’s a bad thing?”

He sighs, wiping at his eyes as he feels tears spill from them again. Everything he’s been holding back, everything he’s spent so long trying to deny is suddenly right here in front of him and he can no longer run from it.

“I’ve spent so long pretending to myself. Even when I knew it was all a lie, I carried on pretending because I thought that if I stopped then there’d be no going back.” He wipes at his eyes again and takes hold of Ben’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “But I can’t keep pretending anymore. I’m in too deep. I’m in too deep with you, Ben.”

And he realises then that it’s been that way for the longest time. Since the night they first kissed and maybe even before that. He hadn’t been able to understand at the time why he couldn’t stay away from Ben; why no matter how hard he tried he kept coming back to him. But he understands it now. It’s because he’d already fallen into the deep end and hadn’t yet learned how to swim. He knows that he hasn’t always been in love with Ben, those feeling have developed over time, but now he recognises that it was inevitable that they would end up here – it always was.

And he tilts his head to capture Ben’s mouth into a searing kiss, intending on pouring everything he feels into it in place of the words he simply doesn’t know how to say. Ben rubs a thumb gently over his cheek, wiping away any tears that are lingering as he kisses back and Callum thinks he understands.

Pulling them both down onto the mattress beneath them, Ben settles over him and Callum holds him there, kissing him like they have all the time in the world. And right now they do. Right now, the time is theirs to do as they please.

He stretches out an arm in search of the lube that had been tossed aside when they’d used it just a couple of hours ago. Ben draws away at the feel of the bottle being tapped against him, his lips red and slick, and Callum holds it out to him, willing him to take it.

Ben looks at him curiously and Callum tells him what he needs; tells him what he’s ready for.

“I want you,” he whispers, biting at his lip as he looks up at Ben in the hope that Ben will agree.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

He nods in response. He’s a lot more nervous than he thought he would be but it’s overshadowed by the aching need to have Ben inside him.

“I trust you,” he confirms, and it might not be a declaration of love but the way Ben looks at him tells Callum everything he needs to know about how much those words mean to him.

Nodding, Ben takes the bottle from him and places it down beside them. Their eyes meet once more and suddenly there’s an intensity that Callum has never felt before and so when Ben helps him to remove his t-shirt and he feels the warmth of Ben lips on his skin, it’s all he can do but to lend himself over to it, getting lost in the feeling it brings.

Ben leaves wet kisses along his neck and collarbone, mouths at his chest, swirls his tongue around a nipple. He takes his time kissing along his stomach, dipping into his navel, before pulling at the elastic of his boxers and drawing them down in one swift movement.

Callum waits with anticipation, the feeling of Ben’s breath against his cock heightened with his eyes closed.

“Want to make this good for you,” Ben says and Callum can only nod in reply, knowing that he couldn’t possibly make it anything less.

He moans when Ben gets his mouth on him, a long and slow lick of his tongue against the underside of his cock that has Callum curling his fingers into the bedsheets. This is something that Ben is skilled at and he masterfully dips his tongue into Callum’s slit in a way that has Callum moaning out for more.

But Ben has other ideas, licking a stripe down to his balls and further into the crease of his arse before pressing a tongue over his entrance.

Callum keens at the sensation, lifting from the bed to meet him, but Ben is pulling away and Callum opens his eyes to see him looking back at him hesitantly.

“Don’t stop,” he cries out. “God, don’t stop now.”

A puff of laughter comes from Ben but still he seems uncertain. “Wanna make this good,” he says again.

Callum ruffles at his hair in encouragement and says, “You will. You already are.”

“Okay,” Ben responds. “Just tell me to stop if you want me to.”

And then he’s dipping his head back down and Callum lifts himself a little to provide better access and the moment Ben’s tongue licks at his hole, he relaxes back into bed and lets the pleasure of it wash over him.

He’s never known Ben to be so caring in this way. He feels so completely safe, so completely loved, and it fills his heart with warmth.

“Going to add a finger, okay?” Ben says, shuffling up his body and leaving feather-light kisses at the side of his ribs.

Callum nods, angling his body to help Ben who presses into him slowly, his eyes studying him carefully as if to determine any sign of discomfort.

“Can I tell you something?” Callum murmurs. “You don’t have to be so careful with me. I’ve done this before.”

“I thought you and Chris never – "

“I’ve done it to _myself_ before,” he breathes out, keen on not thinking about anyone other than Ben in this moment. “I’ve done it thinking about you. Because I want this. I want this with you.”

Ben’s eyes grow darker and he adds another finger slowly. Callum wiggles a little as he adjusts.

“Your fingers are better than mine,” Callum tells him, bringing a hand to his cheek and running his thumb along Ben’s lower lip. Ben plants a kiss there momentarily before leaning down to kiss him properly and then he’s adding another finger and it isn’t long before Callum is burning for more, his entire body ablaze with a need for Ben.

“I’m ready,” he whispers when the time comes, and he watches as Ben reaches for a condom before lining himself up.

They haven’t spoken about protection ever since that day Callum had forgotten about it. It seems to have silently been agreed between them that they will continue to use condoms when they’re together. Callum thinks they’ll have that conversation one day but now doesn’t feel like the right time. He wants to be sure of his relationship first and for as long as Ben has his family in his life, Callum doesn’t know if he can be. He hopes his words have impacted Ben in some way but there’s simply no way of knowing.

Feeling Ben enter him slowly, Callum’s breath stutters at the intrusion. He reaches out a hand for Ben in what is reassurance for both of them and their fingers tangle together, holding tightly as Ben begins to draw back out before pushing in again.

“You okay?” Ben murmurs, and Callum feels him squeeze at his hand.

“Yeah,” he breathes, squeezing back.

They fall into a steady rhythm, Ben’s tongue once again lapping at his skin. Callum kisses him with every opportunity he gets, holding him close and breathing him in. The room around them is quiet, only filled with the sounds of soft moans, low grunts, sharp mewls and it’s so different to how it’s ever been between them before.

He’s so wrapped up in the way Ben moves inside him, the way he easily sets alight every nerve ending with each thrust of his hips, the way sparks shoot through him each time they collide but it’s more than that. It’s more than just a physical feeling. It’s dizzying pleasure, it’s radiant beauty, it’s _love_.

His heart swells with it and even though he’s known before today that he was falling in love with Ben, he’s never felt it as much as he does right now.

Ben’s eyes catch his own and he presses their foreheads together, maintaining their gaze. Callum feels a hand wrap around his cock and it’s like Ben _knows_. And then he’s increasing his pace, Callum meeting each of his thrusts as their eyes remain locked and then they’re tumbling together, Callum falling of the ledge first with Ben following closely behind.

They lay there for a while catching their breaths, Ben’s arm and leg thrown across him. And then Ben is pecking at his shoulder and pushing himself up, climbing out of the bed and going into the en-suite, returning moments later with a warm cloth in his hand. Callum is used to this by now. It’s part of their routine for one of them to clean the other before discarding of the cloth and snuggling up together. And that’s exactly what happens now.

The hotel room has grown darker, the summer sun setting and being replaced by the dusk. Ben pulls the bedsheet up over their waists and shuffles into his side. Usually Callum would take him into his arms at this point but instead he turns onto his side to face him, already missing the taste of Ben’s lips against his own and pulling him back in for a kiss.

“You alright?” Ben asks when they part, his eyes roaming over Callum’s face as if trying to determine if he’s anything less.

Callum smiles because he is. He’s more than alright. “Yeah, I’m good. You?”

“I’m not the one who’s just had someone’s dick up my arse for the first time.”

“You could make it sound a bit more romantic you know,” he tuts, soft laughter puffing out of him as he rolls his eyes.

Ben grins, pecking at him lightly again. “Me? Romantic? I don’t have a romantic bone in my body.”

“I bet that’s not true.”

There’s no response to that though and they fall into silence, the moments drawing out between them.

“So, was it okay?” Ben asks, breaking the soft lull and Callum can hear the insecurity in his voice even if he’s refusing to show it.

“It was better than okay,” he beams. “It was amazing. Might even let you do it again sometime if you’re lucky.”

Ben laughs at that, satisfied with the answer and they grow quiet again, trading lazy kisses. Ben’s fingers brush along his arm, the swirling patterns almost lulling Callum to sleep. But he fights the fatigue, not wanting to miss a moment. He can see that Ben is tired too and he brings his hand up to ruffle at his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. Ben sighs happily as he feels Callum’s fingers card through the strands and he smiles warmly in response.

Callum doesn’t know how long they lay there for, eyelids becoming heavy and sleep threatening to overcome them, but not once does he allow himself to close his eyes, content on keeping Ben in his view. And Ben’s eyes remain on him too, locked until all the two of them can see is each other. And Callum wants to stay here, wants this to be his life. He never wants it to end so long as Ben is by his side. So long as they’re safe and happy and together.

“I love you,” he murmurs, the words slipping out of his mouth involuntarily.

Ben’s fingers stop tracing patterns and he’s still for a moment, like he’s trying to work out if he’s really heard it. “What?”

“I love you,” Callum repeats with more conviction this time.

And then Ben is pressing close to him, his kiss slow and soft but his embrace firm and all-encompassing.

“I love you too,” he whispers, and Callum already knows, of course he does, but being able to say it and having those words spoken back to him in return has his pulse racing and his heart thumping and the happiness he feels overflows into something greater – into something so much bigger than the two of them.

And they kiss and they kiss, getting lost in the darkness and each other and Callum pretends that nothing outside of these four walls exist, because nothing outside of these four walls _does_ exist. It’s just the two of them, right here, now, what feels like could be forever and always. And he hopes it always will be.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So how are things with you and Jay?” Callum asks Lola who is sitting across from him.

It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since the end of the semester and Lola had suggested they go to the West End for a catch up over a coffee and cake. Callum is sure her suggestion of meeting here is merely an excuse to go window shopping down Oxford Street afterwards.

“Things are good!” she beams. “He’s always calling me but we try to meet up as often as we can. I can’t wait for uni to start again though.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he agrees. He hasn’t seen Ben since their night in the hotel last week and the ache of missing him continues to grow. He longs for September and the day of moving into their student house where he’ll be able to be with Ben all the time.

“Hmm, how are things with you and Ben?”

He smiles, knowing he’s blushing when he says, “We’re good. We’re really good.”

“Oh! That sounds promising!” Scooping some of her chocolate cake onto her fork, she giggles teasingly at him. “Look at you! You’ve gone all shy!”

Laughing, he shakes his head but knows that she’s right. This is the effect Ben is having on him now. He’s in love and there’s no longer anything he can do about it.

Before Lola can tease him more, they’re interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing, Ben’s name popping up on the screen.

“Talk of the devil!” Lola comments as he declines the call. “You not answering?”

“Nah, I’m with you! I’m sure Ben can wait.”

As much as he wants to talk to Ben, it would be rude to answer the call when he’s with a friend. Ben is insistent though, his name appearing when the phone rings again.

“It’s fine – you get it.”

“I’ll tell him to call me back later,” he says, picking up the phone from the table and accepting the call. “Hey, can we talk later?” he says to Ben down the line. “I’m just with Lola.”

Ben sounds rushed and a little out of breath when he asks, “Where are you?”

“Uh, up West. I did mention this yesterday when we talked.”

“Yeah, I know. Whereabouts exactly?”

Callum frowns and reels off the name of the café they’re in along with the street name. Something isn’t right.

“Okay, stay there. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

The call ends before he has chance to respond and he looks at the phone as he tries to figure out what’s going on.

“What was that about?” Lola questions. He gives a small shake of his head. He doesn’t have a clue.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben’s barrelling through the door of the café no more than fifteen minutes later, rushing to their table and grabbing for Callum’s arm.

“Where’s the fire?” Lola asks, seemingly just as confused as Callum is.

Ben ignores her, looking Callum’s way determinedly. “We have to go.”

“Oh, well, hello to you too,” Lola scoffs.

“What’s going on, Ben?” Callum asks, seeing just how stressed he looks.

Ben tugs on his arm. “I’m parked on double yellow’s. I’ll explain in the car.” He glances at Lola briefly as he pushes Callum in the direction of the door. “I’m sorry, Lo. It’s good to see you.”

And then they’re out on the street and Ben is still pulling at his arm and no matter how many times Callum questions him, Ben continues to drag him passed the shops and the occasional onlooker, refusing to give an answer.

When they reach the car, Callum sees that it’s a different one to one he’s been in before. This one is a cheap looking little thing, some of the paintwork chipping off, but the most noticeable thing about it is the bags that are sitting on the backseat.

Ben ushers him inside and then he’s climbing into the driver’s seat and speeding off down the road before Callum has even got his seatbelt on. Still he questions Ben about what is going on and still he receives no response.

It isn't until Ben turns down a side street, pulling the car in to park and turning off the engine that he finally looks Callum’s way.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on now?” Callum asks, feeling unsettled by the look on Ben’s face.

“I had a huge fight with my dad,” he breathes, looking panic-stricken. “I’ve walked away, Callum. I’ve walked away from my family.”


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who left a comment or kudos on the last chapter! It was one of my favourite chapters to write and I'm so happy that it was enjoyed :)
> 
> This chapter picks up where we left off. It's the middle of the summer holidays and Ben has come to Callum with news that he has walked away from his family.
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Three  
  
  
  
  
**

  
“I’ve walked away, Callum. I’ve walked away from my family.”

Callum stares at Ben as he tries to process what he’s just said. It doesn’t feel real. It _can’t_ be real. Only the look of pure terror on Ben’s face tells him that it is.

“I don’t – I don’t understand.”

“I did it because of you,” Ben says. “Because you made me realise that nothing is more important than us. And because you taught me that I can do better with my life than run around following their orders.”

He feels too stunned to make sense of anything Ben is telling him. _He’s walked away?_

“I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to. But I did.” Ben pauses, turning away to look out of the window. “I told Dad that I wasn’t gonna do any more work for him. Told him I was done. He didn’t like it. We got into a blazing row. He started chucking the furniture around which is usually normal in our house but this was different. He was so angry.”

Callum listens as he talks, sees the way Ben's leg jitters up and down and the way he chews nervously at his lip. He listens but the thought that they’re here, that this is happening, still doesn’t feel real.

“He thought that someone must have been influencing me, getting into my ear because no one ever, ever denies Phil Mitchell of anything. I told him he was wrong, that it was my decision, but I don’t know if he believed me.”

“So you walked away?” Callum asks, finding his voice.

Ben bites at his thumb before saying, “He said I could either take back what I’d said and do this job for him to show how sorry I was or leave – get out of his house and never come back.”

Callum looks over his shoulder to where the bags are sitting on the backseat. “So you left.” It’s not a question but Ben nods in response anyway, his eyes still fixed on the street outside.

It isn’t as though Callum hadn’t hoped for this. These last few months it’s all he’s been thinking about, not knowing whether their relationship could last if Ben continued to involve himself with whatever jobs his dad was asking of him. But he never really believed that Ben would ever do it, not even when he had appealed for him to.

“What happens now?” he asks, his gaze back on Ben.

Ben shrugs and says nothing, nibbling at his thumb again. Callum reaches out and takes hold of his hand, squeezing it in what he hopes is reassurance. Ben turns back towards him, looking down at their joined hands and squeezes back.

“I’m here,” Callum tells him. “We’ll figure something out.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They end up in a Bed & Breakfast that night. It’s a downsize from the hotel they stayed in last week but they both agree that it will bide Ben some time whilst he considers his next move. Callum learns that the car Ben is using has been borrowed from a mate of his, Ben not wanting to risk taking one from the Car Lot in case his dad traces it.

“Do you think he would?” Callum asks as he stirs sugar into Ben’s tea before throwing the teabag into the tiny bin in the corner of the room. “Surely he’ll just wash his hands of you now you’re gone.”

“No, he’ll want some kind of payback for this. He’s not just gonna leave it. I’ve made an enemy out of them. He won’t forget that."

Approaching the bed, he places his cup of coffee down on top of the little table beside it and then passes Ben his tea. “He’s your dad though. Surely that’s got to count for something.”

“It’s means nothing to him, Callum,” Ben says, taking a sip of the tea and wincing when he realises it’s too hot. “The Mitchell name is more important to him and there’s no bigger insult than walking away.”

Callum sits down on the bed beside him, crowding in close to him in what is as much a comfort for himself as he hopes it to be for Ben. He never really considered the consequences of Ben standing up to his dad, always assuming that when it came down to it, Phil would put everything else aside. He’s been so naïve.

“I’m going to need to lie low,” Ben says almost to himself, a pensive expression on his face. “At least until uni begins again and I can move into the house anyway.”

Callum thinks about the house that they had eventually all agreed on before the summer. It’s sits on a narrow street, nestled in amongst other student housing, and has easy access to the university campus. He wishes he could collect the keys and take Ben there right now but it’s too soon. There’s weeks to go before the new semester begins.

“So what will you do? Stay here?” he asks, feeling the need to give Ben support but not knowing how.

Ben shakes his head. “Can’t afford to do that.”

“But you have the money.”

“My family has money,” Ben corrects, “I don’t. When I’ve spent money in the past it’s come from them. And yeah, I’ve got money of my own that I’ve saved over time in case of a rainy day but there’s not a lot of it.”

Callum feels his heart drop as he asks, “How much?”

“Enough to get by for the foreseeable. But it won’t last forever.” Ben suddenly looks uncomfortable, inhaling deeply, the panic from earlier back in place. “He pays my uni fees.”

“What?”

Ben looks at him, face paling now. “I don’t get student loans like you do, Callum. I didn’t qualify ‘cause of how much money our family have. After what happened with the Macquire job, Dad was so desperate to get me out of his sight that he agreed to pay my fees. Tuition, accommodation, all of it. It all comes out of his pocket.”

Callum feels his own panic set in as he understands what Ben is telling him. “You think he’s going to stop paying, don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” he says, but it’s clear that he believes it.

Taking the mug of tea out of Ben’s hands and placing it down beside his coffee, he pulls Ben into a hug, holding him tightly as he realises just how bad things are now.

Ben did a brave thing by walking away from the Mitchell’s today. He’s risked his whole life being turned upside down. And he’d done it for _him_. For _them_. Callum is just now understanding the enormity of it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum doesn’t see Ben for weeks. He spends every minute of every day worrying about him, desperate to reach him and make sure he’s safe. After that night in the Bed and Breakfast, Ben had decided to go to the cabin in the hopes of being able to stay there for as long as possible without his family tracking him down. Callum would think he was being too cautious but he had seen the fear in Ben’s eyes that day. For someone like Ben, someone who is always so full of bravado as a way to mask his insecurities, to appear so fearful that night tells Callum all he needs to know. Ben is in real danger.

Ben had told him on the morning they had parted ways that he likely wouldn’t be getting in touch any time soon. With no phone reception at the cabin and Ben wanting to remain hiding out for the duration of the summer, he had told Callum that he would call him at the first opportunity he got.

That had been two weeks ago and Callum has been worrying for Ben’s safety ever since. Anything could have happened to him and he wouldn’t know. It’s futile, but he tries to call Ben anyway, leaving messages for him every day, hopeful that today will be the day when Ben will answer them. It never is. Every night he goes to bed, curtains open so that he can look out at the night sky and he wonders if Ben is looking out at it too. It settles the anxiety in his chest.

When Ben finally calls, it takes Callum a moment to react, his brain not computing at seeing the name on his screen. And then something slots into place and he grabs for the phone, answering the call and pressing it to his ear hurriedly.

“Ben?”

“Hey.” Ben’s voice is warm and soft and everything Callum remembers.

“Hi,” he smiles back, not able to help himself despite the worry that lays heavily down on him. “Are you okay?”

There’s a huff of laughter down the line and Callum can hear cars in the background. “Yeah. I’m okay. Miss you though. You okay?”

Callum nods even though Ben can’t see him. “Yeah. Where are you?”

“Just walked out to the road about ten minutes away from the cabin. Wanted to hear your voice.” He pauses, before adding, “I – I miss you.”

It’s the second time he’s said it but it’s more heartfelt this time and Callum aches for him.

“I miss you too. Have you heard from your dad or anyone?”

“No,” Ben answers. “I thought I would’ve done by now. Reckon he wants to keep my sweating. Strike when I least expect it, you know?”

Callum sighs. He hates this. “Can I see you?” It’s what he wants more than anything.

“I don’t really wanna leave the cabin. I just don’t think it’s safe for us to meet right now,” Ben says reluctantly.

“So I’ll come to you.” He reaches for a nearby scrap of paper and a pen. “Give me the location and instructions on how to get there and I’ll come.”

He’s already formulating a plan in his mind. When he went to the cabin with Ben a few weeks ago it had taken a couple of hours for them to get there. He remembers seeing the occasional bus stop along the country lane that they were driving down, how odd he had thought them to be at the time given how far away from towns they seemed to be, but he thinks that if he sets off now, he could figure out the way to get there, even if it means having to make several transfers in order to do it. It’s still morning, there’s plenty of time, but Callum knows even if it were the middle of the night, he wouldn’t let that stop him from going to Ben.

“You hated this place when I brought you here,” Ben says. “I told you I’d never bring you back.”

“You’re not. I’m bringing myself,” he insists, not willing to argue with Ben over this. “Whatever I said in the past doesn’t matter now. So tell me how to get to you and let me come.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That’s how he finds himself in the cabin several hours later, hands laden with carrier bags full of shopping which Ben takes from him and places on the wooden floor.

“You didn’t have to,” Ben says, looking shy as he stares at the bags. “But thank you.”

Callum shrugs, smiling at him. “I didn’t reckon any food you had here would last you that long. And it’s been weeks. Thought you could do with some more supplies.”

Ben nods, hands planted in the pockets of his hoodie as he rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet. He looks like a shadow of the man Callum last saw and he can only imagine what the two and a half weeks of solitude has done to him.

Stepping forward, he tugs at Ben’s sleeve, an indication to Ben that he’s going to hug him now. And when he gets no rejection or hesitation from Ben, he pulls him in, bringing his arms around him and holding him closer. Ben takes a moment but eventually brings his arms around his waist, hugging him back. He presses his head into Callum’s neck, breathing him in, and Callum holds him tighter.

_You’re safe now_ , he wants to say, but he stops himself, not knowing if it’s the truth.

Callum doesn’t know how long they stand there for, holding on, unwilling to let go, but when they eventually part, Ben stepping aside to turn the kettle on and make them both a drink, Callum settles himself down at the table and looks around at the cabin. It’s exactly as it had been the last time he was here and it still makes him shudder with the thought of what this place is for the Mitchell’s. He doesn’t like Ben being out here all on his own, miles away from anyone or anything. He almost suggests that Ben comes to stay with him for the remainder of the summer but he doesn’t. That would cause a whole heap of trouble from his dad and Stuart that Callum would rather they both avoid.

But he knows he doesn’t like this. Doesn’t like the waiting for something bad to happen to Ben, doesn’t like the panic he feels at not knowing if he’s safe or not. All he wants is to be able to protect him but Callum doesn’t know how he can. He feels so utterly helpless.

He thinks back to the day of the warehouse and how protective he had felt over him then. He feels that same sense of protection now, maybe even more so, only this time there’s no adrenaline caused by anger to push him forwards into recklessly fighting back. This time there’s only fear and panic and what can he do with those? He’s powerless.

“You know, I was thinking on the way here….” He stops, gathering his thoughts as he readies himself for making this suggestion.

Ben is quiet beside him, waiting, and that’s how Callum knows he isn’t himself because the Ben of just a few weeks ago would have interjected, making a joke or a light-hearted comment. Instead, dull eyes look down at the mug of coffee in front of him, and Callum longs to see the shine in them again.

“I was thinking that maybe you could go back to your dad’s. Tell him you were wrong. Take it all back.”

It’s the last thing he wants, the words tight in his throat as he says them, but if it means Ben will be safe and won’t have to keep living like this, then Callum thinks it’s a sacrifice worth taking. With the Mitchell’s in his life, Ben is nothing but a puppet on a string, a marionette made to dance to the Mitchell’s tune. With the Mitchell’s in his life he runs the risk of time spent in prison, a black mark to muddy his name, but Callum knows, or hopes, they would protect him and stop it from coming to that. After all, they did it before with Heather, didn’t they? With the Mitchell’s in his life, Callum doesn’t know what it would mean for a future between he and Ben, but he knows that at least Ben would be safe. With the Mitchell’s, Ben _is_ safe. Or as safe as he can be. Without the Mitchell’s…..well, Ben had said it himself hadn’t he? He’s an enemy to them now. Perhaps being back in Phil Mitchell’s clutches is the lesser of two evils.

Ben looks up at him, a small frown appearing, and Callum can see the way his forehead creases and the lines that emerge in the corners of his eyes. He seems to have aged so much in just a few short weeks.

“I’m not going back there,” Ben says. “You gave me the confidence to walk away. You helped me do that.”

He glances down at his own mug, focusses on the steam rising and hitting his face, making him feel warmer than he already is with the summer heat. “I kinda wish I hadn’t now,” he mumbles, more to himself than to Ben.

Ben reaches out, a hand clasping his own and Callum looks at him again. There’s something else in his gaze now, something other than the emptiness that was there before.

“I don’t regret it, Callum” he says earnestly, and Callum feels him squeeze his hand. “Not for a moment.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In the weeks that follow, Callum makes several visits to the cabin, bringing Ben food and other essentials and taking him in his arms and holding him close, intent on bringing them both some much needed comfort. Ben never wants him to stay for too long though, doesn’t want to risk the Mitchell’s turning up whilst he’s there. Callum can understand that, but he thinks that the more time goes by, the less likely the chances of them arriving at the cabin to find Ben are. That doesn’t mean he thinks Ben is safe, but it does mean that he’s willing to risk staying the night if it means more time spent with Ben.

Ben isn’t so willing though, insisting that he leaves after just a few hours of being there. Callum never wants to leave and Ben never wants him to go but he does it anyway, if only because Ben is worrying enough about himself right now without having to worry about him too and he knows that if he were to stay, Ben would spend the whole night awake, watching over him on the off chance that the Mitchell’s were to arrive.

By the time September rolls around, Callum’s eagerness to return to university is no longer about wanting to leave the confines of his home, nor is it about his excitement to see Lola and Whitney and Jay. Instead, it stems from the knowledge that Ben will be able to leave the cabin – that he won’t have to spend his days alone anymore. Callum thinks that when that happens, he won’t be able to let Ben out of his sight. The weeks have been too long. He hopes that with the start of the academic year, things might be able to return to normal.

They have spoken very little about university, Ben always changing the subject whenever Callum has broached it, but he wonders what will happen if Phil decides not to pay for his tuition this year. The threat of that still lingers in the air whether they talk about it or not. He tells himself that maybe Ben is wrong about Phil. After all, he hasn’t done anything to harm Ben yet and no revenge has been sought after, so perhaps there is some familial care there; a love that a father has for his son. Then again, he thinks about his own dad and the fact that there’s no love lost between them. Ben had been right in what he’d said. Just because Phil is his dad, it doesn’t mean anything.

When the day of the move arrives, it’s Ben and Callum who arrive at the house first. Ben had offered to pick him up in the car but Callum had declined, not wanting Stuart to see him being picked up by a Mitchell.

“It’s your last chance to get driven around by me,” Ben had said. “I can’t afford to keep filling this thing with petrol.” It was meant as a light-hearted joke but Callum had heard the tiredness and the trepidation in his voice.

They had agreed to meet at the house early in the morning, Ben desperate to move in as soon as he could.

Now that they’re here, Callum helps him to take his bags upstairs and into one of the bedrooms and then brings his own, heading for the room next to Ben’s.

“Where you going?” Ben asks, stopping him from going any further. “We’re sleeping in the same room, yeah?”

Callum nods and says, “Just thought I’d put my stuff in a different room that’s all even if I’m not gonna use it.”

Ben shakes his head though, taking Callum by the hand and pulling him into the bedroom that he has claimed for himself. He looks shy when he says, “We haven’t got that much between us. I want your stuff with my stuff.”

Callum feels a flutter in his chest and smiles at the thought of his and Ben’s belongings intermingled. Maybe that’s what this new year will be for them – domestic. Maybe this year instead of being friends with benefits who fuck, they’ll be boyfriends who love. Callum likes it; likes the thought of creating a home here with Ben. And perhaps he’s too young to feel like this and to want such things, but he knows with every fibre of his being that it’s real and true.

So he steps towards him and kisses him, rubbing his thumbs gently over the darkened grey’s under Ben’s eyes, pushing all thoughts of this summer and the Mitchell’s the back of his mind for the time being.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It isn’t long before Jay arrives and he’s followed on shortly afterwards by Whitney and Lola, both of them dragging huge suitcases behind them and Callum laughs, glad to see that at least some things haven’t changed.

Whilst they’re upstairs unpacking, Callum takes a moment to wander the house, taking in his new surroundings. The kitchen is smaller than the one they had in the flat on campus but there’s something about it that makes it more homely. It’s bright and fresh and _clean_ and Callum chuckles to himself as he wonders how long that will last for.

He makes his way down the hallway, stepping into the living room and heading over to the window to look outside at their narrow street. It’s quiet, peaceful, and so different to the hustle and bustle of living on campus. But still, he thinks he’s going to like it here and he’s with the people who have fast become his family. Just the sound of their chatter upstairs above him makes him smile and he closes his eyes, feeling like he’s come home.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So, I want us to raise a toast,” Whitney says after gathering everyone in the kitchen. They’re all standing around the table, paper cups in hand filled with the champagne that Whitney has brought with her to celebrate moving in. She’s smiling brightly, excitement in her eyes as she holds her cup aloft. “It’s so good to be back with you all and this year’s going to be amazing, I can feel it.” She giggles, leaning forward with her cup. “So, to new beginnings.”

“To new beginnings!” everyone chimes in, reaching across the table to one another to knock their paper cups together.

Callum looks across to Ben who winks at him, a smile on his face that doesn’t quite meet his eyes.

“So what’ve we all been up to this summer?” Jay asks, taking a sip from his cup before screwing up his face in disgust and putting it down on the table. “That’s yuck, that is. How does anyone drink that?”

“I know. Disgusting, isn’t it?” Whitney laughs, taking a drink from her cup regardless.

“Well then why did you buy it?”

She shrugs. “’Cause it’s what people do when they’re celebrating something. Drink champagne.”

“I can think of better ways to celebrate,” Ben comments, smirk pulling at his lips.

“And he’s back folks!” Jay jokes, looking at the watch on his wrist. “A whole two hours and forty-odd minutes you lasted without making some kind of sexual innuendo.”

Ben scoffs, his eyebrows raised, though the smirk remains firmly on his face. “Get your mind out of the gutter, mate! I was meaning more like a cake or something.”

“Sure you were.”

Callum watches as Ben laughs, shaking his head as he takes a drink of the champagne. On the outside, he seems lighter and more carefree than he has in weeks. But Callum knows it’s all an act. A mask he’s wearing to hide what’s really going on whilst he’s around everyone here, not willing to let them see the exhaustion underneath.

“Speaking of cake, what happened that day you stormed into the café and stole Callum away from me?” Lola asks.

Callum feels the hairs on his arms raise at the question, but Ben seems unfazed by it, relaxed in his response when he replies, “Just wanted him all to myself, didn’t I?”

“You practically fell off the radar after that,” Lola says, a confused puff of laughter escaping her.

“Yeah, mate, where did you go?” Jay joins in.

Whitney is standing quietly beside him and Callum wishes Jay and Lola could be like her. It’s clear that Ben has no intention of telling them the truth about what really happened and Callum wishes they wouldn’t push even though they’re not doing it on purpose – they don’t understand the seriousness of the matter.

“For your information I went on holiday, alright?” Ben answers with a grin. “Sun, sea, sand, the lot.”

“I can think of an ‘S’ you’re missing,” Jay quips.

Chuckling, Ben replies, “Yeah, well, Callum wasn’t there unfortunately so I had to get my rocks off myself.”

“You go with your family then, did you?” Lola questions, and for the first time since he started to fabricate this story, Ben looks uncertain.

“Uh, yeah,” he fumbles. “Yeah, I went with my family.”

Lola narrows her eyes as though trying to determine whether to believe him or not. She opens her mouth ready to say something else but Callum catches her eye and he shakes his head minutely. She seems to get the message, closing her mouth again and Callum is grateful when the conversation turns to something different.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As night falls, Callum takes a shower, careful not to use all the hot water in case any of the others want to use it after him. A communal bathroom is something he hasn’t had to worry about since he started university, and although he’s no longer worried about his privacy after living with these people for a year already, he knows he’s going to have to make sure he’s considerate of everyone else and fit in with their routines rather than just shower as and when he wants. It’s an easy enough adjustment to make but one he’ll have to remind himself of until he properly gets used to this new house of theirs.

Stepping into Ben’s bedroom – although he supposes it’s his bedroom too – he sees Ben putting clothes into a drawer and takes a moment to watch him. After a moment, Ben turns and smiles at him, closing the drawer and making his way over to him.

“Can’t wait to have you back in bed tonight,” Ben says, his arms coming to wrap around Callum’s torso and looking up at him. “It’s been too long.”

Callum leans down to kiss him just because he can and then draws back to say what he’s been wanting to say all evening. “You don’t have to pretend, you know. Not with me.”

Ben tenses and then after a moment his shoulders sag and he sighs, closing his eyes and leaning his weight into Callum’s hold of him.

“Am I being that obvious?”

“No,” he responds, “but the last couple of months have been tough and I know that things aren’t suddenly better just because you’re here now.”

Ben opens is eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, things have been hard. And I know being here doesn’t automatically make things better but this is the first day in weeks when I haven’t been constantly looking over my shoulder or listening out for noises.” He reaches for Callum’s hand and pulls him towards the bed. Callum goes with him without question, dropping down beside him when Ben sits down.

“I don’t know if this is gonna last. Me being here,” he continues. “But I’ll worry about that if the time comes. For now I’m just happy to be somewhere that I can call my own again and that I get to be with you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Callum smiles, understanding the words Ben isn’t saying. Ben smiles back tiredly and rubs at his eyes. “You wanna go to bed?”

Ben stifles a yawn and nods. “I never thought I’d say this, especially considering how long it’s been, but do you mind if we just slept tonight?”

And Ben is right in that they haven’t had sex in weeks, the opportunity never presenting itself when Ben had been hiding out at the cabin, but it’s the last thing he cares about right now. What he cares about is that Ben is here and he’s okay and he hopes that with this roof over their heads and the return of university, things will maybe have a chance of going back to normal again.

“As if you even have to ask,” he smiles softly, squeezing Ben’s hand before letting go and moving across the bed to get under the duvet.

Once Ben joins him, taking out his hearing aid and putting it on the dresser, Callum waits until he’s settled and then asks, “You reckon you’ll be safe here?”

“Yeah. Dad doesn’t know anything about this place. He never was interested in what I was doing at uni.”

Callum looks at him to see if he’s just saying what they both want to hear, but he sees the peace that crosses Ben’s face as he says it and he knows that Ben believes it. And if Ben believes he’s safe here then Callum believes it too. Closing the small gap between them, he throws an arm across Ben’s stomach who takes hold of it and turns away, pulling Callum along with him so that he can be held. Callum brings him in closer, sighing happily when he feels the tension in Ben’s body leave him.

“I love you,” he whispers, making sure the words carry to Ben’s ear.

Ben huffs out a laugh and says, “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing that.” He moves his hand to lace his fingers with Callum’s, thumb brushing over Callum’s larger one. “I love you too.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He’s woken the next morning by the sense of something tickling across his chest, feather light touches that are leaving goosebumps on his skin. He shuffles, turning a little towards the warmth next to him, and when he peeps his eyes open he’s received with the sight of Ben smiling down at him, head propped up by a hand whilst the other brushes gently across him.

“Morning,” Ben smiles, eyes sparkling.

“Morning,” he says sleepily in response. “Have you been watching me sleep?”

Ben’s fingers move up to his neck and further until they reach Callum’s hair. “A while,” he says, curling his fingers into the strands. “It was a nice thing to wake up to, seeing you there beside me.”

Callum agrees. He’s missed seeing Ben in the morning, missed going to sleep beside him at night, missed everything about what they had before summer came along and got in the way. He’s hoping he can get back to those days now. Hopes there’s many more mornings that he’ll be able to wake up like this.

“You know what else would be nice?” Ben asks, trailing his hands back down the length of Callum’s body, moving dangerously close to his cock, sparking its interest almost immediately.

Callum raises his eyebrows, catching on to Ben’s meaning. “Really? Someone’s feeling more themselves this morning!”

“Good sleep was all I needed,” Ben grins, tip-toeing his fingers along the inside of Callum’s thigh. His grin fades and he turns serious, looking at him intensely. “I want things to be better from now on. And they will be with you.”

Pressing forwards, Callum kisses him, soft and sweet with a hint of something more.

“You’ll always have me,” he tells Ben, whispering the words before their lips connect once more. Ben moans, deepening the kiss and moving over him when it starts to become heated.

And Callum lets himself forget about everything that has been and gone in the last few months, focusing on the here and now, and he chooses to savour it for as long as he can.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The first couple of weeks of university pass by quickly. Callum feels the difference between their first year and this one, the amount of work they’re being given seeming to double the amount they had before. Their lecturers haven’t been subtle in telling them that this year matters more and that the first year was mainly a taster for what’s to come. It’s a little overwhelming but Lola assures him that things will settle down as the semester goes on – it’s just going to take some adjustment.

Today he doesn’t have a lecture until later on in the morning so decides he’s got time to fit a run in before that. He leaves Ben sleeping, smiling at the sight of how peaceful he looks, and starts to throw on some clothes.

Where university life seems to have ramped up a gear, Ben’s life has calmed down in comparison. He hasn’t heard from his family and he’s attending their Psychology course without issue. One visit to the finance office had given him the answer he was hoping for – that his course fees have indeed been paid. The relief he’d felt had been shared by Callum as well. The thought of not having Ben here with him would have been devastating. Now, unless Ben’s dad chooses to withdraw his payment, it means Ben will be there for at least another year. And they can deal with their third and final year when it gets nearer the time. For now though, Callum is just happy to see Ben so relaxed. Looking at him, no one would ever guess the hardships he’d had to endure during the summer.

Putting on his trainers and zipping up his hoodie, he quickly scribbles out a note to Ben and sticks it on the top of the dresser where Ben will see it when he wakes up.

_‘Morning sleepyhead – Gone for a run. Love you x '_

It’s started to become the norm for him to leave a message for Ben whenever he goes out before Ben wakes, knowing how much Ben grumbles when he wakes up alone. Often he’ll return to Ben still sleeping and he’ll scrunch up the note before climbing back into bed, just so he can cuddle up beside him. He’s turned into a sap and he knows it. He doesn’t care though, not when being in love makes him feel like this.

Ruffling his hand through Ben’s hair for a moment, he turns and leaves the bedroom, heading downstairs and out into the warm September air. It’s only early, but the sun is shining and Callum is thankful for the breeze. Stepping out into the street, he takes off, starting at a slow jog until his muscles warm up. He’s still a little unfamiliar with the area they’re living in and he’s getting used to different routes, exploring the streets around their house. Today though, he’s going to the nearby park, he decides. It’s quiet at this time in the morning and away from the noise of the traffic.

He’s no more than a couple of minutes into his run when he senses the sound of a car driving up behind him. He doesn’t pay any attention until he realises that the car hasn’t yet passed him and he glances over his shoulder to see a dark BMW crawling up the street. Still he doesn’t worry, assuming the driver is lost or looking for a particular address.

He’s just about to turn the corner onto the main road, when there’s footsteps behind him and he doesn’t have time to respond before there’s a hand at his mouth and an arm wrapping around him, pulling him backwards. He tries to fight it, tries to push and kick but then he’s being thrown to the ground, and something hits his head with a force.

And then everything goes black.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos on the last chapter :) 
> 
> I was in two minds about which direction to take this chapter when I wrote it and even now I'm not sure if I made the right decision with how it plays out. There's a canon related topic in here that was controversial at the time and I didn't like the storyline so why I've included it in this chapter I don't know. Everything else just didn't feel like it was enough to cause the dilemma that I was aiming for. Anyway, I'll stop speaking in riddles now and let you just read. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Four  
  
  
  
  
**

When Callum opens his eyes, the first thing to come to mind is that he’s on the floor and there’s something digging into his back. The second thing he notices is the intense pain coming from the side of his head, pulsating in a way that is making his vision blurry and he tries to make sense of what’s going on but it’s all too difficult. He gives up trying, closes his eyes again and slips away.

The next time he opens his eyes, he’s aware that he’s still on the floor and the thumping in his head hasn’t subsided. This time though, he can see clearer and he fights to focus his brain. There’s something familiar about the floor he decides, something that he can’t place. He moves his eyes further along, up to familiar walls and furniture and that’s when it clicks.

He’s at the cabin.

“Well, look who’s awake, eh? It’s about time. I was beginning to think you were enjoying your rest.”

Callum turns in the direction of the voice and is met with the sight of Phil Mitchell sitting at the table, newspaper in his hands, eyes firmly looking his way. Fear strikes him and he feels his heartrate quicken as he tries to move but he realises he can’t. There’s rope around his legs and more around his wrists, binding them together tightly. There’s rope around his body too, fastening him to the wooden beam that stands in the middle of the room, effectively keeping him there. Callum presses forward and realises that the rope isn’t as tight as he thought. He thinks he’d be able to stand if he really forced himself, though it would take some effort and the rope is secure enough that he still wouldn’t be able to escape.

“Just a precaution,” Phil says. Callum looks back up at him from his place on the floor, noticing the way Phil’s eyes glisten and it makes him feel sick. What does Phil want with him? “You sit tight and don’t make a fuss and they won’t have to get involved, alright?”

Phil nods his head in the direction behind Callum who strains to see three men lining the wall behind him. They’re big and burly, arms crossed in front of them, and they’re wearing dark jackets which are probably too warm for them for this time of year. Each of them have vacant stares, not responding to Phil pointing them out, but Callum can guess that they’re the reason for him being here. They’re the reason he’s tied up on the floor of the Mitchell’s cabin with a throbbing pain in his head, far away from anyone who can help. No one knows this place exists apart from them.  
  
The men remind him of nightclub bouncers and he can understand why someone like Phil Mitchell would need henchmen for himself. Callum has only seen his image on a television screen and in newspapers before, but seeing the man in person now, he realises how small and feeble he looks in comparison. Callum isn’t fooled though. He knows that Phil is the ringleader here. These men will do anything he commands of them and perhaps that makes Phil the most powerful of them all.

Callum turns his head back to Phil who puts his newspaper down and stands from his chair.

“Where’s my manners, eh? I haven’t offered you a drink.” Phil moves slowly around the small area of the kitchen. “We’ve got tea, coffee, juice,” he pauses, before turning back to face Callum, “but you already know that don’t you?”

Phil fixes him with a hard stare, challenging almost, and the penny drops as Callum realises what he means. He's determined not to let Phil know he’s fazed, doesn’t want to show him any weakness even though he’s terrified. Phil laughs loudly but there’s no humour in it. It’s cold and cruel and just makes Callum fear him more.

“Come on,” Phil chuckles, laughter dying down now, “don’t think I don’t know that my son has been bringing you here for months. I’ve got eyes everywhere, haven’t I?”

The thought of being watched unnerves him but what’s worse is the knowledge that the Mitchell’s must have known Ben was staying here during summer, must have known that he was on his own for most of that time, and that they chose not to act on it. Instead they’ve waited until now, they’ve waited for Callum specifically, and Callum has to wonder why. What’s the plan here?

“I know the first day he brought you here,” Phil continues and this time Callum struggles to hide his surprise. That first day had been before Ben walked away from the Mitchell’s, before any of this trouble with them began, and yet Phil knows he was here. Surely Ben would have known if the cabin was under constant surveillance, wouldn’t he? Or was it just a coincidence that the one day Ben had brought him here, they happened to be spotted.

Phil doesn’t answer his silent questions though, instead adding, “I weren’t happy about it but I figured it was just some random bloke of his. Well, it’s what he does, isn’t it?” There’s a disdainful look on his face and Callum questions if it derives from a deep-rooted homophobia or merely a disliking for Ben’s choices in sleeping around.

“But then he told me he was done with the jobs and I knew someone must be behind it. Ben wouldn’t make that choice for no reason, not if he knew what was good for him, so I knew someone must have pushed him to it. He denied it, lied right to my face he did, but I knew.” Phil huffs out a laugh and moves back round the table, sitting down on the chair again. “And I was right, wasn’t I? Because you turned up here again and again after that.” He puts his hands in his jacket pockets and shrugs. “I know, Callum. I know everything.”

Callum inhales sharply at the mention of his name. Phil really does know everything and he thinks back to that first day at the cabin and wonders whether that was the first time he’d been brought to Phil’s attention or whether Phil had been vaguely aware of him long before that. There’s no way of knowing though and he decides not to plague himself with that. At the very least, he’s been watched when he’s been to the cabin and he’s obviously been watched at the house for Phil to know where he’s living. He sends a shudder through him just thinking about it.

Glancing towards the clock on the wall, he sees that it’s just gone midday. Ben must know something has happened. Their lecture started over an hour ago and if Callum didn’t turn up then surely that would have set alarm bells ringing.

“You don’t say much, do you?” Phil observes. “Don’t worry, he’s on his way. You didn’t think I’d bring you here for no good reason, did you?”

In truth, Callum hasn’t known why he’s here. But if it’s not to teach him a lesson for being the driving factor for Ben walking away from his family, then he can only assume that he’s here as bait. Phil wants something from Ben and whatever it is, the only way to get it is through Callum.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to finish reading my paper. There's a good article here on motors.”

Phil picks up his newspaper and opens it out in front of him again. Callum turns to look at the three men who still haven’t moved from their place in the corner. They pay him no attention, eyes forward and staring blankly ahead.

Ben’s on his way and it both reassures and scares him at the same time. It’s the fear of the unknown and he dreads the things to come, hoping that whatever happens, they’ll both come out of this safe and without harm.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The minutes drag by as they wait for Ben. It seems that Phil is content with his newspaper and Callum prefers it that way, happier when he’s not talking. It’s still unnerving having the man just a few metres in front of him though. This is someone he’s spent the past year hoping he would never have to come face to face with, though perhaps it was always inevitable. He had known getting involved with Ben would potentially lead to danger for himself, it’s not like he’s been blindsided by it, but even so, he could never have imagined that something like this would happen.

Now he’s here in the Mitchell’s cabin, a hideout they use for when they’re on the run from the police, and Callum knows from having been here before how well hidden the place is. Even the slip road into the woodlands can’t be easily spotted from the main road. The chances of anyone knowing he’s here are non-existent. The only chance he’s got of coming out of the other side lies with Ben.

When the rumble of a car engine is heard pulling up outside the cabin, Phil closes his newspaper and stands, looking at the three men and motioning towards the door. One of them steps forward, breaking out of the stance he’s been in ever since Callum woke up here, and moves towards the window. He looks out and then nods his head at Phil. Sitting up as much as the rope surrounding him will allow, Callum waits for the opening of the door and when it does open, it’s Ben that steps through, a furious expression on his face which quickly turns to worry when their eyes meet.

Ben rushes forward before coming to an abrupt halt, turning instead towards Phil as anger seeps out of him.

“You’ve gone too far this time, Dad,” he seethes, and Callum can’t work out if he’s one move away from coming and untying him or whether he’s about to attack Phil. It’s possible that Ben doesn’t know himself, instead hovering between the two of them, his hands balled up into fists as he breathes heavily. “You wanna tell me what the hell this is about?”

“Thought you needed a reminder of what happens when people turn their backs on this family,” Phil says, unperturbed by Ben’s anger. Ben takes a moment to meet Callum’s gaze and when he does, Callum can see his own fear reflected back at him.

Phil walks over to the window, his footsteps heavy in the silence of the cabin. “I see you’ve borrowed a car from the Lot,” he remarks and Ben looks back at him again. "You're making a habit of that - taking cars from the business and going off on a jolly. You were stupid enough to take your mate here out for a joyride and show off this place. Anything else you been getting up to behind my back?"

“There were other ways to get my attention," Ben responds, ignoring his question. "You didn’t have to do this.” When Phil doesn’t reply, Ben glances back towards Callum again and asks, “Are you okay?”

Callum nods even though it makes the pounding in his head hurt even more. He’s still in pain and from the way Ben looks at him, he knows that the attack on him before being brought here must be evident to see even though he doesn’t know how bad it is himself.

“What do you want me to do?” Ben asks, turning to face Phil properly now.

Phil pulls a slip of paper out of his jacket pocket and hands it over. Ben opens it up, looking at whatever is on it and Callum can just make out the way his eyebrows furrow.

“No way. There’s no way I’m doing this,” he argues and there’s a tremble in his voice when he says it.

“You got a problem? It’s not like I haven’t run you through it before,” Phil points out.

Ben huffs, screwing the paper up into a ball. “And I told you before that I'm not doing it!”

“I’m not letting you worm your way out of it this time,” Phil retorts, unfazed by Ben’s outburst. “I mean, I couldn’t understand it before. It’s not like you’d be getting your hands dirty. But I thought you just weren’t up to the challenge so I let you off. Decided to give you a free pass, didn’t I? I’m not taking no for an answer now though. You want out, you do this for me.”

Ben rubs at his face in distress. “It’s Marco Bartolini. Why the fuck did you agreed to this?”

“You know why! To get him off our back! You do this, Bartolini backs off and you get your boyfriend back in one piece. It’s win-win for both of us.”

Ben looks genuinely scared and it’s a sight Callum hasn’t seen before. He tries to recall if he’s heard the name before but comes up with nothing. Whoever this man is though, it’s enough to frighten Ben and whatever the job is, it’s something Ben has refused to do before which must mean it’s dangerous.

“There’s no winning,” Ben retorts. “You’d be throwing me to the wolves. One wrong move and he’ll kill me. Or worse, I’ll end up being thrown onto a truck.”

“Then don’t get it wrong. Do the job and he’ll be a very happy man. It’s simple, straightforward, an hour’s work and then you can come back here to your boyfriend.” Phil glances his way and Callum doesn’t want to know what will happen if Ben refuses to do this job. But even so, he’s filled with his own trepidation for Ben, not wanting him to do anything that will put him in harm’s way.

“And then what?” Ben asks.

Phil turns back to Ben and replies, “Then you can consider us even.”

Ben opens the scrunched up piece of paper again and his eyes scan over it. He looks to be in two minds and as much as Callum wants to come out of this alive and safe and well, he finds that the protection he feels for Ben overshadows that.

“You don’t have to do it, Ben,” he finds himself saying, his voice hoarse from hours of not being used.

Ben and Phil both look at him, Ben appearing shocked by his words whilst Phil looks almost gleeful.

“I was beginning to think you didn’t talk!” Phil chuckles before looking back to Ben. His eyes grow dark and he says, “Let me put this another way.”

He moves over to the kitchen area, opening a drawer and reaching inside. Callum watches him but can’t work out from his place on the floor what Phil is doing. When Phil turns, closing the drawer again, there’s an unmistakable object in his hand and he sets it down onto the table in front of him.

Callum’s eyes widen and when he looks at Ben he sees the same expression on his face, confirming that he’s seen correctly. It’s a gun.

He tenses at the sight of it, shuffling on the floor against the rope as anxiety courses through him. This isn’t how he saw this playing out. At worst he expected to be left beaten and battered, a heap of broken bone on the wooden floor. But not this.

“You wouldn’t,” Ben challenges and Callum wishes he wouldn’t because he really doesn’t want to find out. He sounds so certain but Callum wonders just how far Phil would go.

Phil spins the gun on the table. “Well, that’s just one option. It’d be easier to just drop him into that river out there, wouldn’t it, eh? Test out his swimming skills.”

Callum pictures the river that runs alongside the cabin. He imagines how cold it must be, imagines being tossed in and he knows that no matter how good his swimming is, he wouldn’t be able to fight against the gushing of the water.

“It’s very easy to do, you know – falling into a river,” Phil adds. “Happens all the time. It’d be a shame but accidents happen, don’t they?”

“You wouldn’t,” Ben repeats, shaking his head in renewed anger. “We don’t do things like that.”

“People will do anything if they’re pushed hard enough. Isn’t that why we’re here?” He pauses before saying, “Don’t test me, alright?”

It’s a warning and they all know it. Ben looks down once again at the piece of paper in his hand and when he looks up, his eyes falling on Callum’s own, Callum knows he’s made his decision. But still, the desire to protect Ben is greater and despite all the dread he feels for himself, he plucks at the small amount of courage he has, straightens his body as best he can and schools his face in what he hopes is a look of fearlessness.

“I’m not threatened by you, you know,” he says, voice steady and firm, eyes fixed on Phil now. “He’s not going to do what you say because of me.”

Phil seems momentarily taken aback by the comment but then he’s laughing, the sound of it reverberating around the room.

“Callum, shut up,” Ben scolds, swallowing thickly.

“Someone’s getting confident as last!” Phil laughs. “Wouldn’t say a word to me earlier.”

Callum ignores him, instead looking towards Ben desperately. “Don’t, Ben. Don’t do it.”

Ben looks at him and then turns back to Phil. “You so much as touch another hair on his head and Bartolini will be the least of your problems. We got a deal?”

“That’s my boy!” Phil smiles, filled with satisfaction at once again pulling on Ben’s strings.

Callum wants to argue, wants to shout and scream until he can make Ben see sense, but as with the day of the warehouse, Ben’s protection of him matches the same need he has to protect Ben and he knows that no matter what he says, Ben is doing this job.

Phil pulls out a scrap of paper from the same pocket the first piece came out of and hands it to Ben.

“This is the address. Jake can go with you to make sure you don’t do anything stupid like take a wrong turn into a police station. Got it?”

“This is all the way back in London!” Ben exclaims, looking down at the address. “How am I meant to get there in time to meet him?”

Phil sighs heavily, giving a nod of his head to one of the men in the corner of the room who moves towards the door. “You’ve got time,” he tells Ben before reaching for a set of keys on the table and throwing them towards the man who catches them. “And you’re taking the other car. In fact, Jake, you can drive.”

The look of defiance on Ben’s face has faded and now there’s just defeat in its place. He takes one last look towards Callum and Callum tries to convey everything he wants to say through his own eyes.

_I love you._

_Stay safe._

_Dear god, please be okay._

And then Ben is turning, following the man named Jake out of the door. When it closes behind them, Callum looks up at Phil who is already staring back at him.

“You better hope he doesn’t mess this up.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The time continues to drag, the ticking of the clock on the wall the only sound to fill the room in the cabin. When Phil leaves to make a phone call, Callum feels the immediate relief even though he’s still being watched by Phil’s henchmen. He can ignore them easily enough though and they seemingly pay very little attention to him so it gives him chance to think.

There’s a possibility that Ben might not come back. He doesn’t want to think like that but he knows he has no choice if he wants to make it out alive himself. So if Ben doesn’t come back, then what will become of himself? He can’t see Phil letting him go if he’s gained nothing in return. No, Phil is much more likely to leave him here to die of dehydration, or worse, he’ll be thrown into the river outside as Phil had threatened to do.

He wonders if he can sever the rope around his body by rubbing it along the edging of the wooden beam although he pushes the thought aside before he can give it any serious thought. The rope has been looped around his body several times and with the two remaining men keeping guard, he doubts how far he would get. Then there’s the rope around his wrists and his legs that he’d have to contend with. The thought of an escape is over before it’s even begun.

Looking around at the cabin, he wonders if anyone else has ever been held hostage here or whether it’s something that has been reserved for him because he knows about the place anyway. It would be worse to be held in a warehouse though he reasons. At least here there’s some familiarity even if it doesn’t bring him comfort. He knows that being here means his chances of being found are non-existent. The Mitchell’s have used the cabin for who knows how long as their hideout – it’s clear that no one ever ventures down here. He could shout and shout and it would do him no good. The only hope he has is in Ben.

When Phil returns, Callum feels his presence immediately. He tosses his phone down on the table and looks Callum’s way.

“Shouldn’t be too long now. Not if he’s done the job properly.”

It’s been hours since Ben left and Callum prays he’s safe - that whatever has happened, he’s okay.

“You know, I weren’t that keen on him going to university at first. Thought it was stupid. I mean, none of us in the family ever went and it didn’t do us any harm, did it?”

Callum watches as Phil paces the floor. If he’s looking for a response, Callum isn’t going to give him one.

“I came round to the idea in the end though. I figured, you know, if he wanted to chuck years of his life away on some poxy degree in psychology then who was I to stop him? ‘Cause I might not always have agreed with what that boy did, but I would’ve supported him.”

Callum doubts that to be true. The only support Phil is willing to give is the kind that benefits himself. It’s the only reason he accepted Ben going to university in the end – he wanted Ben out of the way following the failed robbery that led to Heather’s death. Phil talks like he genuinely believes he’s a good father but how can he believe that when all he’s done throughout Ben’s life is use him as a pawn in his game? Even now, sending Ben out on this job, he’s showing no real care for his son.

Phil sits down at the table, taking hold of the gun that has been left there from when he’d pulled it out of the drawer earlier. Callum feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. His ribs are starting to hurt and he doesn’t know if it’s from the rope or from the panic he’s been feeling ever since he woke up here. Despite his agreement, maybe Phil was never intending for there to be a trade off. Maybe Ben doing this job was never meant to grant Callum his own freedom. Maybe there really is only one way this will end.

“But he had to go and throw it all back in my face, didn’t he?” Phil continues, looking down at the gun. “Everything I’ve ever given him, everything I’ve ever done, thrown right back at me. That’s not what you do in this family and he knows that. He would never have done this before he met you.”

Phil looks up and Callum tries to determine what he’s thinking but his face is blank, giving nothing away.

“You’ve been getting in his ear, telling him all these things about how much potential he has, making him believe he amounts to something. The only potential that boy has is following in my footsteps and doing what I tell him to do and he can’t even get that right most of the time.”

“It’s not true, you know,” Callum finds himself saying despite everything in him telling him to stay quiet. “You don’t know who he is.”

“Don’t I? And who are you then? ‘Cause you’ve only known him five minutes.”

“I know he’s better than you make him out to be,” he replies, feeling the need to defend Ben. “I know he’s better than what you’ve made him believe himself to be.”

Phil puts the gun down and crosses his arms, leaning back in the chair. “Is that right?”

“If you cared about him at all you wouldn’t be bothered about him following in your footsteps. You’d just want him to be whoever he wanted to be.”

“And who would that be then? An upstanding citizen? ‘Cause that don’t pay the bills, Callum, and it certainly doesn’t earn you any respect. You know what people will see when they find out he’s walked away? They’ll see it as a weak link. A family that’s falling apart. And I can’t afford to be seen like that.”

Callum doesn’t know what to say to that and he knows he’s probably said enough as it is. He reminds himself that he’s not in any position to argue right now. The more he says, the more it will likely aggravate Phil, and the more he’s aggravated, the more likely he is to do something drastic. It’s better for Callum to stop talking.

He wants to ask what Phil is planning to do about the way people see him. It’s not like Ben is going to return to the family fold now that he’s walked away. Callum had tried to persuade him into doing that during the summer even though it’s not what he had wanted, but Ben had refused. He can’t think of anything that would make Ben change his mind now. Would Phil threaten Ben into staying? He looks towards the gun and his stomach churns. Surely Phil wouldn’t have Ben killed just to avoid anyone finding out about his betrayal to the family, would he?

The sound of a car door outside gains his attention and he waits with bated breath until the door to the cabin is opening and Ben is walking in, Jake following on behind him.

Callum looks at him, searching for any sign of injury, but Ben seems to be okay. He catches Ben’s gaze and then Ben is looking away towards Phil who stands to meet him.

“It’s done,” Ben growls.

Phil’s eyes flick to Jake who gives a nod of his head, confirming Ben’s words to be true.

“Right then,” Phil says back to Ben, “that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Ben huffs, edging closer to Phil and straightening his shoulders as he grits out, “Now let him go.”

“Here’s what’s going to happen. And you listen carefully if you don’t want a repeat of this,” Phil says. “I’m going to go home and I’m going to cook a nice meal for Sharon and enjoy my evening. You and your boyfriend can stay here, go back to that uni house of yours, do whatever you like for all I care. If I find out that Bartolini isn’t happy, I’ll come for you. If I find out you go to the Old Bill, I’ll come for you. You got that?”

“Just go,” Ben snarls.

Phil’s eyes narrow as he leans in towards Ben. “Just remember you chose this,” he spits out. “You don’t get to come crawling back when you realise you’ve got nothing. I don’t ever want to see your face again, you hear me?”

Callum sees the way Ben flinches and knows that despite this being the right thing, despite how firm Ben is in his decision to walk away, hearing those words from Phil must sting. Phil motions with a nod of his head for the men to leave. He picks up the gun from the table along with his phone and pockets them both. And then he’s following the men out of the door and slamming it closed behind him.  
  
As soon as they’re alone, Ben is rushing over to him, throwing himself down onto the floor beside him.

“Are you okay?” he asks desperately, lifting his hands before pausing. “Fuck, I wanna kill him for this. I _should’ve_ killed him!” There’s panic in his voice and he grapples at the rope hastily.

“I’m okay,” Callum responds even though he’s far from it. “You need to get me out of here so we can call the police though.”

Ben falls still at that. “We can’t call the police. Did you not hear what my dad said? If we go to the police about this he’ll come for me.”

Callum blinks, trying to comprehend what Ben is telling him. They _have_ to go to the police. It’s the only thing that makes sense. He doesn’t know why Ben can’t see that. Phil has had him kidnapped and held against his will today. He _has_ to report it.

“We can make sure you’re protected,” he says. “We can tell the police everything and they’ll do what they can to keep you safe.”

“This isn’t some American drama on the television, Callum,” Ben replies, resuming in his efforts to untie Callum from the rope. “It doesn’t work like that. We go to the police and they’ll throw the book at my dad; they’ll squeeze everything they can out of him. You think my dad won’t take me down with him? He knows about everything I’ve done, every job he’s had me do. He knows about Heather.”

Callum’s wrists release from the rope that has bound them and Ben moves down to his legs to do the same with the rope there. Callum rubs at his sore wrists and watches Ben silently, the way his eyebrows furrow, but he doesn’t know if it’s in concentration or worry. It’s true that Phil knows so much about Ben but would he really allow his own son to go to prison? It’s a silly question though and Callum already knows the answer. It must go both ways though.

“You must have loads of stuff on him. You could escape jail time by giving them info on your dad.” It makes sense to him but Ben is sighing and shaking his head again.

“I killed someone, Callum. They’re not just gonna let me off. Either we both go down or neither of us do.”

He sits quietly after that, letting Ben untie his legs and unwrapping the rope from around his body. The last thing he wants is for Ben to go to prison but the thought of Phil getting away without any consequence doesn’t sit well with him. There has to be a way but each one he’s thought of so far, Ben has argued against.

When he’s finally untied, Ben helps him up, an arm around him as he offers his support. Callum feels as though his whole body has locked, not allowing his muscles to move in any way that doesn’t cause him pain. Ben takes most of his weight though, helping him over to the table and sitting him down onto a chair.

“You’re gonna need cleaning up,” he says, lifting a hand to rub his thumb gently along Callum’s cheek.

Callum had forgotten about his head, too focussed on everything else, but now that Ben has mentioned it, he feels the pain spike again.

Ben walks over to a cupboard and pulls out a First Aid kit before returning to him.

“What’s the damage?” Callum finds himself asking.

“Not sure yet. There’s a lot of dried blood.” He huffs out a laugh. “You’ve even sexy like this.”

Usually he’d blush at a comment like that, but he feels so unnerved by the events of the day that Ben’s words go straight over his head.

Ben must misinterpret his serious expression because he adds, “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing. I’m a dab hand at fixing up cuts and bruises.”

Callum chooses not to give any thought to that. He’d rather not know how Ben has come to learn how to patch someone up. He watches as Ben sets everything up on the table and then Ben’s hand is at his chin, tilting his head as he starts to clean him up.

“What’s going to happen now then?” he asks, voice quiet as he tries to consider the alternatives to calling the police.

“I think we should stay here tonight,” Ben responds, dabbing the wet cotton wool ball in his hand against the side of Callum’s head. “It’ll be getting dark soon.”

“Is that gonna be safe do you think?”

Ben nods and Callum manages to catch the sight of his solemn face in the corner of his eye when Ben replies, “Yeah, he’s gone now.”

Callum doubts he will ever understand the relationship Ben and his father have but he knows that despite choosing to walk away from the Mitchell’s, Phil’s words to him earlier must have hurt. Ben has always longed to make him proud and Callum thinks that perhaps he would always have held out for that – the hope that one day he would meet Phil’s approval. Now it’s gone and he will never get that.

Having grown up with his own father, someone who has never shown an ounce of love towards him, Callum knows that it’s hard not to hope for it anyway. He has spent years wondering what life would have been like if only his dad had been different, if his mum had still been around, if his family had been like the Carter’s. He’s long since realised that his wishes will never come to fruition, but it doesn’t stop him wondering ‘what if’. He imagines it’s the same for Ben.

“How do you feel about that?” he asks, giving Ben the opportunity to talk about the prospect of not having his dad in his life anymore.

Ben shrugs and says, “Fine,” like it’s nothing, only Callum knows it isn’t fine. He decides not to press him on it though. He’ll be there to listen whenever Ben is ready.

Ben is quiet for a long time after that and Callum allows him to concentrate on what he’s doing, wincing at the sting of his injury causing Ben to murmur a soft, “Sorry, sorry,” before they fall back into silence again, their thoughts drifting away to other things. And when he’s finished, Ben sends him off for a shower, insisting it will help Callum to feel better and that he’ll whip them up something to eat in the meantime. Callum doesn’t argue with that, nodding his head and leaving in the direction of the bathroom, closing his eyes with a sigh when he shuts the door behind him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben is right about the shower helping and Callum lets the warm water pour over him, soothing the ache in his muscles until he’s feeling more relaxed. He still feels rattled at the thought of being in the Mitchell’s cabin and he’ll be glad when he and Ben can leave it behind tomorrow morning but mostly he just feels in a state of shock. He’d gladly leave tonight if he could, eager for his own bed and a change of clothes, but he doesn’t know what he’d say to anyone who were to ask him about where he’s been or about what’s happened to him. Because, as he discovers when he looks in the mirror at himself after his shower, the evidence of _something_ happening is all over his face. There’s grazes on his left cheek from where he’d been thrown to the ground when he’d first been grabbed at, and a cut along his hairline from whatever had rendered him unconscious. Ben has done a good job of cleaning him up but his injuries are still clear to see. He doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to explain them to anyone who asks.

Logic tells him he should go to the police like any other normal person would but Ben had been right, hadn’t he? If Phil goes to prison, he won’t think twice about taking Ben with him. He’ll tell the police about every little thing Ben has ever been involved in, every job he’s carried out, and it won’t matter that Ben has been pressured into most of those jobs, the police won’t look on him with sympathy, especially if they learn about Heather. He can’t risk it – can’t risk losing Ben to years in prison.

So where does that leave them? Is he supposed to forget that this ever happened? Pretend it didn’t? Because he’s not sure if he can do that.

When he leaves the bathroom, he finds Ben with his head over the stove as he stirs the contents of a pan. Ben looks over his shoulder when he hears him and smiles.

“Just soup I’m afraid. Tins are about the only thing we can store here otherwise everything just goes off.”

Callum nods, moving over to the kitchen to look into the pan. “Smells good.”

“Well, even I can’t botch a tin of soup, can I?” he chuckles, before letting go of the wooden spoon he’s been holding to place a hand at Callum’s elbow. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, Callum. You should never have been part of this mess.”

And it’s true. This was something he had always feared would happen and a risk he took the moment he allowed Ben into his life. It’s the reason he tried to deny it for so long. He can’t say that it’s okay when it isn't but he also knows that it’s not Ben’s fault either.

“What do we tell people?” he asks, choosing to brush over Ben’s comment in favour of asking the one question that’s been on his mind for the last half hour.

Ben turns back to the stove and gives the soup a final stir before turning off the hob. “I was thinking you could just say you were mugged. It would explain you not being in the lecture earlier and the reason why I left so suddenly.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, course I did,” Ben responds as he pours soup from the pan into two bowls. “I mean, I knew something wasn’t right before that but I went to the lecture anyway hoping you’d be there. Told myself you’d just decided to go there after your run. But then you never showed up and Lola was asking all these questions and I was trying to get in touch with you and then my dad…..” He trails off, eyes distant and Callum has to put a hand out to stop the soup from spilling everywhere.

“What?”

Ben regains focus, scraping the last of the soup out of the pan. “He sent me this picture of you all tied up and out cold and I swear my heart stopped, Callum. And then I was out of there. I just left. Fuck, I never wanted this for you, Callum,” he says in distress, eyes growing moist now as he puts the pan down with a clatter.

“I know,” Callum nods. “I know.”

He doesn’t want Ben to blame himself for what has happened but he finds himself at a loss for words. Heading over to the sofa, he sits down, putting his head in his hands in the hope that when he opens his eyes again he’ll find himself safely back in his new home. It’s a few moments later when he senses Ben approaching and he looks up as Ben passes him one of the bowls.

“Thanks,” he says, taking it from Ben gratefully as Ben comes to sit down beside him.

They sit quietly as they eat and Callum discovers that he had been hungrier than he’d thought, finishing the contents of the bowl quickly.

“What was the job you had to do today?” he asks, putting his bowl aside and looking towards Ben. The sharp intake of breath from Ben doesn’t go unnoticed but Callum has to know. It was clear from Ben’s response to Phil earlier that he hadn’t felt comfortable going ahead with it and Callum had seen the fear on his face. Whatever happened out there today, he has to know about it.

“You’re best off not knowing,” Ben tells him, finishing his own bowl of soup and getting up from the sofa.

Callum puts a hand out to stop him though and their eyes meet. “Tell me.”

Ben sighs and sits down again, putting the bowl down onto the floor. “Okay,” he starts. “So Marco Bartolini is someone Dad got on the wrong side of last year. I don’t know what happened with him but I know that he had Dad running scared. I tried to ask Dad about it but he wouldn’t tell me and when I offered to help he refused. Like I said before, he’s never really trusted me after the Maguire job. Anyway, Marco was still on his case months later and I guess Dad had run out of options because he came and asked for my help,” Ben continues, laughing a little. “ _Dad_ asking _me_ for help – course I said yes, didn't I? I thought it would be my chance to get him to trust me again, prove myself to him. Only then he told me what Marco wanted him to do and I – I just refused. I said I wasn’t doing it.”

“Doing what?” Callum prompts.

“Dad weren’t happy about it but I didn’t care,” Ben says, ignoring the question. “Things were good at uni and good with us and I didn’t wanna risk throwing it all away. So I said no. I said I’d do anything else for him but not that.”

“Not what?”

Still Ben doesn’t answer and it’s almost like he hasn’t heard the question at all when he adds, “He asked me again that day I walked away. Told me I needed to do the job to get Marco of his back. And, I don’t know, something just _snapped_. He was putting all this pressure on me and I just thought ‘Why the fuck am I doing this? What’s the point anymore?’ After that night we had at the hotel, you telling me you loved me for the first time, telling me that I could choose how I lived my life, making me feel like I was better than he ever let me believe, I just – it was like seeing the light for the first time, you know? So when he asked me to do the job for Marco again, I snapped and told him I’d had enough and walked away.”

Callum thinks back to the night of their hotel stay. In many ways, it had felt like he was seeing the light for the first time himself but in a very different way, his feelings for Ben becoming so incredibly clear to him. It’s strange to hear that they were both experiencing a moment of clarity that night and that they’d found it in each other.

“I didn’t want to do it today either, but I had no choice, Callum. I had to protect you.”

“What was the job, Ben?” he asks again, determined to get the truth out of him.

Ben is quiet for a moment and then says, “Marco Bartolini is in charge of organising human trafficking. He sends people off in trucks to who knows where and to do god knows what and reaps the rewards. I don’t know how my dad even got involved with him but I promise when I first offered to help him last year I had no idea it was as serious as this.”

Callum feels nausea sweep over him. The thought of people being transported either without their will or without fully understanding the consequences is sickening. And looking at Ben now who has tears in his eyes confirms his fears.

“You did the job, didn’t you?”

“I had to, Callum,” Ben breathes. “Shit, I didn’t want to but I had no choice. You would’ve – fuck, I couldn’t lose you! I tried to figure out a way to stop it, mess it up, whatever, but I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do. And those faces, Callum – fuck, I’ll never forget them.”

There’s tears travelling down his cheeks now and Callum wants to drown out what he’s saying because he knows that this isn’t Ben’s fault, he knows that Ben has refused this job twice before already and that he would have done today if he hadn’t been trying his best to protect him. But god, he wishes it was anything other than this.

“We have to tell the police, Ben,” he says, voice shaking and hands trembling.

Ben shakes his head. “No police.”

“You can tell them about this Marco bloke, tell them what he’s doing, save all them people.”

“You think my family are bad, Callum?” Ben responds, wiping at his eyes. “Marco is ten times worse. You don’t mess with him. What happened today shouldn’t have happened, not with you and not with me, but it did and we have to deal with that. _I_ have to deal with it. But no police.”

“So that’s it then? We do nothing?”

He knows even as he asks that it’s the only option available to them though. What has happened today has been terrifying and the thought of Phil getting away with what he’s done and Marco Bartolini getting away with what he’s doing is repulsing, but going to the police will lead to Ben’s safety being at risk. Even the thought of what Ben has done today makes him feel uneasy but he tries to remind himself that Ben didn’t have a choice and that they’re both now alive and well because of it.

Ben nods. “I hate myself for what happened,” he sniffs, “I hate that you’ve been caught up in it all, but we have to forget that today ever happened. Or at least we have to try.”

But Callum doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget. Today has changed him, it’s changed them, and he’s not sure how life will ever be able to return back to normal again.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for comments and kudos left on the last chapter :) Obviously the inclusion of such a controversial storyline was not added in and written lightly and I hope as the story continues, you'll all be able to forgive Ben as the aftermath of that day unfolds. I very much appreciate you sticking with the fic and hope you enjoy what is to come. 
> 
> This chapter isn't the happiest but ultimately very much needed with all that the boys have endured. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Five  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum doesn’t sleep. He spends the night awake, eyes on the ceiling above as he thinks about the day gone by. Beside him, Ben is restless, tossing and turning until the early hours of the morning when he eventually settles. Callum is almost envious that he’s managing to get some sleep when his own mind won’t switch off. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t get Phil Mitchell’s face out of his head, nor the threats he had issued and even though Ben had said they would be safe to stay here for the night, Callum can’t help but think that someone could still be watching the cabin anyway – that this ordeal isn’t yet over.

In the hours that have followed their conversation last night, Callum has accepted that he cannot go to the police. Ben is all that matters to him and if that means Phil and Marco Bartolini continue to get away with their crimes then that’s something he’s going to have to learn to have on his conscience.   
  
Somehow.   
  
He hasn't figured that bit out yet.   
  
He can’t quite get his head around the thought of Ben taking part in that job yesterday but he knows it was done for him, for his own protection and safety, and that ultimately Ben would have done anything to ensure that. It still doesn’t make the knowledge of it any easier to swallow though and his stomach continues to turn when he thinks about it. The thought of Ben doing anything to protect him is scary and Callum hopes that it has been for the first and last time although he doesn’t know how they're ever going to get past _this_ time. 

When a strip of light makes its way through the bottom of the curtains marking a new day, Callum rolls out of bed, moving carefully across the floor so as not to wake Ben and heading out of the bedroom. He’d slept in his clothes last night in preparation for a quick escape if one was needed in the night. Now, he feels uncomfortable from having worn the same hoodie and jogging bottoms for the last twenty-four hours and he's eager for a warm shower and clean clothes and a hot cup of tea.

He’s about to start searching the cupboards in the small kitchen area for the bag of sugar he had left with Ben when he had brought him some shopping during the summer, but pauses when he sees the large beam in the middle of the room. The ropes that had been restraining him there yesterday still lay on the floor in a pile, Ben having pushed them to the side after releasing him. Just the sight of them brings back the memory of how tight and rough they had been around his wrists, the way they had kept him firmly planted to the floor with no means to escape.

He senses eyes on his back and turns but finds that no one is there. He looks in the direction of the corner where Phil Mitchell’s henchmen were stood yesterday and sees only empty space now. He glances at the table to see the chair Phil had been sitting in is now unoccupied. And when he listens carefully, he can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall and the gushing of the river outside and the sound of his own breathing which is becoming heavier now.

He has to get out of here.

He’s not safe here.

Heading back towards the bedroom, he strides around the bed to pick up his trainers from the floor and pushes them onto his feet. In many ways, this is similar to yesterday morning only this time he isn’t leaving the safety of his home to go for a run around the park, nor is he leaving Ben with a note beside his bed and a soft ruffle to his hair. This time he’s leaving without any warning. This time he’s leaving and running for his life.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Although it takes a long time to get back to the house, it’s still early morning when he arrives and the curtains are drawn, a sign that everyone is asleep. He creeps up the stairs and along the hallway to his and Ben’s bedroom and immediately grabs a fresh set of clothes before heading to the bathroom for a shower.  
  
After his shower, he feels much better and returns to the bedroom to find he’s missed three calls from Ben and several text messages.  
  
 _08:06_  
 _Where have you gone?_  
  
 _08:28_  
 _Are you ok?_  
  
 _08:42_  
 _Where are you? Please tell me you’re ok!_  
  
There’s a voicemail that has been left for him too, sent just after the last text message. He brings his phone up to his ear to hear a frantic Ben down the line.  
  
“Callum, where are you? Fuck, I woke up and you weren’t here and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to go to ours and hope you’re there or whether to stay here in case you come back.” There’s a pause and then the sound of rustling. “I’m – I’m gonna go back to ours, okay? That’s where I’ll be. But just – just let me know you’re safe, please! And I’ll come to you. I’ll come to wherever you are, I promise.” There’s stuttered breathing down the line and then, “I’ll always come for you, Callum.”  
  
The message reaches its end then and Callum realises his face is wet, a tear making its slow track down his cheek. Ben had sounded so scared in his message, so afraid and panicked, but that’s not why Callum is crying. He’s crying because everything feels lost now, like he’s been in Ben’s safe arms since the moment he had agreed for them to be something more permanent than what they were to begin with, only for Ben to have lost his grip on him, sending him falling into nothingness. And nothing Ben does, nothing he says, will stop him from falling. Nothing can take that fear away from him now.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He stays in the bedroom for a while, curled up on the bed as the memory of yesterday plays over and over in his mind. He’s sent off a message to Ben to let him know he’s safe and that he’s here. Ben hasn’t yet replied although Callum supposes he doesn’t need to. When a knock comes at the door, he jumps, startled by the sound and stands on shaky legs to answer it.  
  
“You’re back!” Lola beams but her smile quickly disappears upon properly observing him. “What’s happened to your face?”  
  
“Uh, nothing, I’m fine,” he responds, realising that he’s already deviated from the script that Ben had suggested for him.  
  
Lola frowns and shakes her head. “You’re obviously not.”  
  
“I was, uh, I was mugged,” he tells her and she gasps, her eyes widening as she reaches out to put a hand on his elbow. “I’m alright. Just a bit shaken up.” And that is something that he can at least be honest with her about.  
  
“Oh my god! Did you get a good look at them? What are the police doing about it?”  
  
His heart sinks. More lies.  
  
“I didn’t see anything,” he says, focussing on the floor intently so that he doesn’t have to lie directly to her face. “It happened fast and they came up from behind me. There’s not a lot the police can do.”  
  
“Oh, Callum, that’s awful! What did they take?” Lola asks.  
  
Oh. That’s something he and Ben haven’t planned for. The truth is that he still has his phone and that’s really all he ever goes out with when he’s running. What else can he say?  
  
“They, uh, they were seen by some guy and made a run for it,” he responds. “They didn’t get anything. Listen, do you mind if we don’t talk about it? I just, uh – "  
  
“Yeah, sure,” Lola nods. “I’m sorry. Thank god for that guy though, eh? Look, I’ll leave you to it but if you need anything just come and find me, okay?”  
  
He nods and forces a smile although he’s not sure how convincing he looks and then she’s turning away. He watches her as she heads for the stairs and listens to her walk down them until there’s the sound of Jay and Whitney’s voices in the kitchen, the sound of Lola’s joining in, and he closes the bedroom door so that he doesn’t have to hear any more. He doesn’t want to hear what Lola is saying, doesn’t want to know if she’s telling them the same lies that he’s just told her or whether they’re talking about something entirely different. All he wants is for the world around him to drop away and for himself to disappear with it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum hears Ben return before he sees him. There’s a commotion downstairs and the sound of Ben pushing past Jay who shouts after him, asking what’s got into him. And then the bedroom door is opening and Ben is there, the panic written all over his face.  
  
“I thought he’d got you again!” Ben gasps out in a rush, flinging himself forwards for Callum to catch and gripping hold of him tightly. “I thought – Shit, I thought – "  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he replies, surprising himself by bringing his own arms up to take hold of Ben and move him away slightly. “I should have told you I was going but I wasn’t thinking properly. I had to get out of there.”  
  
Ben doesn’t appear to notice the distance Callum has created between them and Callum is glad because it’s not like him not to hold Ben at any given opportunity and he doesn’t know why he’s rejected him in this way now.  
  
“Yeah, I get it,” Ben nods. “I just wish you’d woken me. I’d have driven us back here straight away, you know that.”  
  
“Did you get my text?” Callum asks, keen to distract himself from thinking about the panic he had felt in the cabin earlier and the reason for leaving so abruptly. He doesn’t feel guilty for going even though he perhaps should considering the worry it’s caused Ben. That’s something else that surprises him.  
  
Ben pulls out his phone from his pocket and tosses it towards the bed. “Yeah, I got it. Still had it in my head that it was just my dad messaging off your phone though and that you wouldn’t be here.”  
  
Callum wonders if perhaps he should have called Ben instead but he supposes it doesn’t matter now. There’s nothing he can do to change it. There’s nothing he can do to change anything that’s happened.  
  
“I’m okay,” he says, and physically he is. Emotionally though, he’s not so sure.  
  
He steps over to the drawers at the side of the bed and opens them to bring out a pair of jeans and socks. If he can act normal, do normal things, then perhaps he’ll feel more in control again instead of this free-falling feeling he’s had since last night.  
  
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he starts to remove the jogging bottoms he’d changed into after his shower earlier.  
  
“What are you doing?” Ben asks, still standing where Callum had left him in the middle of the room.  
  
Avoiding his gaze, he responds, “We’ve got a lecture in an hour.”  
  
“You don’t have to go,” Ben exclaims.  
  
“I’m not missing it. I already missed two yesterday. I’m not missing another one.”  
  
Ben is quiet as Callum puts on his jeans, pulling them up and fastening his belt. The silence between them is deafening and it’s never been quite like this before. But he can’t think about that now, too focussed on putting on his socks and getting ready to set off to the university campus.  
  
“So you’re just going to pretend everything’s fine? Like nothing’s happened?” Ben asks when Callum drags his rucksack out from under the bed and starts to fill it with the textbooks and worksheets he’ll need for today’s lectures.  
  
Callum shrugs. “We don’t have a choice. If we can’t go to the police then what else am I supposed to do?” He looks up to see Ben eyeing him warily but Callum doesn’t know what he’s expecting. It’s not like they can sit around feeling sorry for themselves. “This was your idea, Ben. You said we had to forget that yesterday ever happened.”  
  
“I know that but – "  
  
“Well then.”  
  
He doesn’t know why he’s being so stand-offish. He feels so in fear of everything around him, feels tense and jumpy, and it’s all being directed at Ben when he doesn’t want it to be. He doesn’t know how to stop it though. All he really wants to do is reach out and pull Ben towards him, drag them back into their world where everything is good and happy and beautiful and never step out of it ever again. But he can’t do that because that world is tainted now. It’s tainted by all the things that happened yesterday – no longer safe, no longer pure. Perhaps that’s why he feels so lost.  
  
Zipping up the rucksack, he feels a hand at his arm.  
  
“What, Ben?” he snaps, swirling around to see Ben flinch at the reaction. Ben is silent, his eyes wide, and Callum sighs. “Why did you do it? Why did you say yes?”  
  
“Callum – "  
  
“Human trafficking, really? Do you have any idea how serious that is? They’re people, Ben!”  
  
“Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I wanted to do it?” Ben questions, eyebrows furrowing in frustration now. “Do you think I wanted to be involved with something like that? Why else would I have refused to do it so many times before that?” He shakes his head, looking desperate when he says, “I didn’t want this, Callum. I felt sick doing it. I _was_ sick doing it. What would you have done in my position, eh?”  
  
Callum scoffs, moving away from him. “Not that.”  
  
He returns to the drawers in search of a light jacket to wear for his lecture. He can't look at the anguish on Ben’s face right now because he knows that Ben didn’t want to do it, knows Ben had very little choice, but even so, he can’t quite match the Ben he has come to love with the Ben who went out and committed such a crime yesterday.  
  
“You don’t know what you’d do to protect someone you love unless you’re forced into that situation,” Ben says from behind him.  
  
Pulling out the first thing he can find, Callum replies, “I would’ve stopped it. I would’ve gone to the police.”  
  
“Oh, what, whilst there’s a gun pressed into your back? You would’ve gone to the police, would you?”  
  
Callum falters at that, almost losing grip of the jacket in his hands. He turns. “What?”  
  
“He had a gun, Callum,” Ben tells him. “Jake had a gun. He’d have used it. It’s easy work for him. One pull on the trigger and it’s over. Dad wouldn’t have cared. And then what? You’d have been next.”  
  
Callum let’s that sink in. He thinks about how scared he had been by the sight of Phil’s gun on the table yesterday and how scared Ben must have been to have one pointed at him as well. Is that how it had happened? It doesn’t excuse Ben’s actions but he feels his anger towards Ben slip away. How has this become their lives?  
  
“You said they didn’t do stuff like that. You were so sure.”  
  
“Yeah, well, that’s not a gamble I was prepared to take,” Ben responds. “Not with you.”  
  
They’re quiet for a moment and Callum realises he needs time to process all of this. He’s feeling so many emotions that he can’t even begin to figure out and he just needs time. Normality.  
  
“I’m going to the lecture,” he mumbles. “Come if you want. Or not if you don’t. I’m going.”  
  
Ben watches him for a moment and then nods, seeming to accept that for now the conversation is over. And then he goes to get his own clothes out of the drawer and starts to change too.  
  
And just like that, they start to pretend.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Lola doesn’t think he should be going to the lecture either. She keeps telling him that he shouldn’t push himself after the trauma of the previous day and even though Callum knows it’s coming from a place of care, it takes all of his strength not to snap at her. There’s so much tension built up inside of him just waiting to spill out and he’s trying not to let it. It’s not Lola’s fault that this has happened.  
  
“Stop going on at him, Lo,” Ben says as they’re heading out of the house. “If he wants to go then it’s up to him.”  
  
Callum pushes past them both, stepping out onto the street outside. He’s grateful that Ben is speaking up for him despite making it clear himself that he thinks Callum should miss their lecture for today. He’s not arguing with either of them though. They wouldn’t understand.  
  
It becomes apparent over the course of the next couple of hours just how tense things have become. Usually he, Ben and Lola laugh and joke together or there’s small comments whispered to one another throughout their lecturer’s teaching. Usually Ben sits beside him, pressing close against his side or placing a hand on his thigh. Today though, there’s none of that. It’s like someone has flicked a switch and everything has changed. The mood between them is sombre and uncomfortable.  
  
Callum tries to pay attention, tries to listen and make notes but his mind keeps drifting back to thoughts of the cabin and Phil Mitchell and the job Ben did and he gives up in the end, too tired to focus on anything else.  
  
It’s mid-afternoon when they get back to the house. The sun is beating down, hot and sticky, and Callum thinks it’s likely to be for the last time before the Autumn chill starts to creep in. Usually he would want to make the most of it but not today.  
  
Ben insists on making them both something to eat knowing that he hasn’t eaten all day. He’s hungry from only having had a bowl of soup since yesterday morning but the thought of anything more substantial turns his stomach. He agrees to it though – Ben wouldn’t take no for an answer anyway – and goes upstairs to their bedroom, dropping down onto the bed and sinking into the mattress. He closes his eyes for a moment, resting his head on the pillow beneath him, and tries to block out all thoughts that have been plaguing his mind and it’s only when he starts to drift off to sleep that they finally fade away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s dark when he wakes. The curtains are closed and the only source of light comes from the lamp at the side of the bed, casting shadows across the wall. He turns to find Ben beside him, sitting up with his back against the headboard, eyes already on him.  
  
“Hey,” Ben whispers. He looks tired, eyes dark and heavy. Callum wonders how late it is.  
  
“How long have I been asleep for?”  
  
Ben looks at his watch. “Hmm, about five hours or so. I covered over your food and left it in the kitchen for you. I can reheat it if you want?”  
  
His stomach rumbles at the mention of food and even though he doesn’t want to eat he knows he should. So he nods, pressing his cheek further into the pillow and feeling the fatigue that continues to surround him.  
  
“Yeah, okay. That’d be good.”  
  
Ben shifts a little, making to leave before stopping. “You were tossing and turning in your sleep. Are you okay?”  
  
He sounds worried even though he has no reason to be. Callum can’t remember anything about his sleep and if he was restless than it isn’t something that he had been aware of. It does explain why he has woken up feeling more tired than he had been to start with though.  
  
“Yeah, I’m okay,” he says even though he’s very far from it. He’d seen the way Ben had slept last night and knows the events of the previous day have had an effect on him too. There’s no reason for him to worry about anything more right now.  
  
Ben nods and then shuffles forward, throwing his legs out of the bed.  
  
“Are we safe here?” Callum asks, stopping Ben before he gets chance to leave. He doesn’t want to show Ben his own vulnerability but he has to know because it’s the last thing he feels.  
  
Realistically they’re not safe, are they? Phil knows where they live, knows how to have them followed without them knowing it, knows so much more than Callum had ever thought. So they aren’t safe and perhaps they never will be and the thought of something like yesterday happening again petrifies him. But he wants to hear that they are even if it’s a lie. Even if it’s just another thing to add to the pretence.  
  
Ben looks over his shoulder and their eyes meet. “We’re safe,” he nods. “Dad’s made his point. I won’t let him near you ever again, I swear. I’ll kill him if he even tries.”  
  
Callum doesn’t know if they’re just words or whether Ben means it. He hopes he’ll never have to find out.  
  
“I’ll go reheat that food for you, yeah?”  
  
And then he’s off the bed, crossing the room and leaving through the door, Callum watching as he goes. The pillow beside him is warm from where Ben has been sitting and he pulls it towards him, holding it tightly in his arms in an attempt to bring himself some comfort. He doesn’t know how to tell Ben how scared he feels, doesn’t want to tell him that he’s feeling shaken by all that has happened. He’s always had a certain level of control in his life and because that has been the norm for him he’s never really noticed it, nor has he felt like he needed it. But he craves it now, feeling the loss of that control immensely. Because now he’s spinning, losing grip on everything, and he doesn’t know how life will ever be normal again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum sleeps better that night and the next morning he wakes up feeling more rested. There’s still an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach that has been there ever since he had been tied up in the cabin, but it isn’t as strong as it was before and Callum thinks that perhaps he just needs to give himself time – that with time, the fear of something else happening will dissipate. Maybe then life will go back to normal. All in time. Until then, he’ll have to try and get on with things as best he can. Starting with breakfast.  
  
He rolls over carefully to avoid waking Ben only to find the bed empty beside him. Frowning, he reaches for his phone at the bedside wondering if he’s slept in late, but no, it’s still early. Ben is rarely awake before him and on the occasion that he is, he always stays in the bed, cuddling up to Callum’s side until Callum is waking himself. Ben not being here now must mean something isn’t right.  
  
Getting out of bed, he runs a hand through his hair to make sure he looks somewhat presentable before stepping out into the hallway and going down the stairs in search of Ben. Callum finds him alone at the kitchen table, his eyes staring vacantly ahead of him, and it takes him a moment before realising that he’s no longer alone.  
  
“Morning,” he says when he sees Callum there. “Kettle’s just boiled if you want one.” He motions to the mug in front of him at the table and that’s Callum’s second clue that there’s something wrong because Ben doesn’t often drink coffee, usually opting for fruit juices or water instead or tea if it’s being made by Callum.  
  
Approaching the cupboards and getting out a mug for himself, Callum asks, “Bad night?”  
  
“Uh, something like that. Couldn’t sleep.”  
  
Callum nods even though Ben isn’t looking his way and then starts to spoon out coffee into the mug. It seems that he and Ben are taking it in turns to have restless sleeps and he considers asking about it but they both know the reason why. What good would it do to talk about it?  
  
He pours water from the kettle and then goes to get milk from the fridge and it’s as he’s pottering that he notices how heavy the silence is. He tries to think of something to say and hates it when he comes up with nothing. It hasn’t been this way between them for almost a year, back before they first properly started to sleep together, back when Callum wanted nothing to do with Ben and hoped to just stay out of his way. He considers leaving the coffee and going for a run instead, anything to escape this discomfort, but he doesn’t feel confident in going out of the house again on his own just yet even though he knows it’s unlikely for Phil’s henchmen to come for him a second time.  
  
There’s the sound of footsteps on the stairs and then the kitchen door is opening behind him. He turns to see Jay there and offers him a smile as Jay nods his head in tired acknowledgement.  
  
“Alright you two?” he asks, stepping further into the kitchen.  
  
Callum turns away, focusing back on his coffee and giving it a stir as Ben says, “You’re up early.”  
  
“Lecture at nine, mate,” Jay responds. “And I had the late shift in the SU last night so I’m dead on my feet this morning.”  
  
There’s shuffling across the floor from behind him and then a hand is being slapped down onto his shoulder and Callum jumps in fright, dropping the spoon which falls to the floor with a clatter.  
  
“Shit! Sorry, sorry!” Jay says in a rush, eyes wide as he holds out his hands and takes a step backwards. “Didn’t mean to make you jump, mate. I was just trying to get into the cupboard. I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry.”  
  
Callum feels his heart hammering in his chest as he stares at Jay and tries to make sense of what just happened. Why had he reacted like that? It’s only Jay.  
  
“No, I’m – I’m sorry,” he stutters. “I don’t know why I – I don’t…..”  
  
He glances across at Ben who is staring back at him. There’s concern on his face and he looks about two seconds from jumping out of his chair and crossing the room to him and Callum wants him to, wants Ben to pull him into his arms and calm his breathing, but that look on Ben’s face is making him feel like he’s broken in some way and it scares him because he’s fine, isn’t he? It’s just going to take time. He _can’t_ fall apart.  
  
So he leaves, rushing out of the kitchen and away from pitying eyes and worried looks. When he reaches the bedroom, he closes the door behind him and leans back against it in a bid to catch his breath. He doesn’t want to live like this – doesn’t want to be scared of every tiny thing. Waking up after a good night’s sleep had left him feeling hopeful only for him to have reacted to Jay so badly just a few minutes later. Even when he’s not actively thinking about the other day, it’s like it’s still with him and there’s nothing he can do to shake it off.  
  
Pushing away from the door, he goes to open the curtains, letting in the daylight from outside. The street outside the house is quiet and he presses his forehead against the glass and closes his eyes until his breathing is steady once again.  
  
Growing up in the house he did, Callum spent his whole childhood and youth being scared. Even when Stuart was around to bear the brunt of their dad’s attacks, Callum was still scared. No matter where he was, whether he was hidden away in the cupboard or under the bed or hiding outside the Carter’s home which was the one place he felt safe, Callum longed for the day he no longer had to live in fear anymore.  
  
Going to university was supposed to be different. It was his escape, his safe haven. And up until now it has been. Their first year had been more than he could ever have hoped for and he had thought their second year would continue on in the same way. But they’re only two weeks into the new semester and everything is already falling apart.  
  
There’s a tapping at the door and Callum turns to see Ben poking his head in.  
  
“Alright if I come in?”  
  
“It’s your room,” he responds, unsure as to why Ben has felt the need to knock.  
  
Ben walks in, closing the door quietly behind him. “It’s ours. And if you need some space….”  
  
He trails off and looks just as lost as Callum feels. The truth is, Callum doesn’t know what he needs. Right now, he feels like his mind is in a constant battle of wills and he doesn’t know what he wants from one minute to the next.  
  
Crossing the room and sitting down on the bed, he remains silent in the hope that Ben will decide for him.  
  
After a moment, Ben takes a step forward towards the bed and asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
Callum doesn’t know if he’s referring to what happened downstairs with Jay or what happened in the cabin but either way his answer is the same.  
  
“No,” he replies, shaking his head and looking down at the carpet beneath his feet. He doesn’t want to talk about either of those things. It’s about the only thing he is sure of.  
  
He sees Ben take another step forward in his peripheral vision but keeps his eyes firmly on the floor. Ben’s arm stretches out towards him and Callum waits for his touch. It doesn’t come though. Instead, Ben seems to pause and then he’s drawing back, stepping away again.  
  
Callum wants to say, _“Come here”_ , wants to say, _“Will you cuddle me?”_ , wants to say, _“Please don’t go”_ , but he doesn’t know how to ask for any of those things and so it doesn’t come as a surprise when Ben turns and leaves the room when the silence between them grows again.  
  
And Callum is left alone.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The rest of the day follows on in the same way. Callum doesn’t know what to say and neither does Ben, both of them lost to the silence. Lola makes a comment on it during one of their lectures, asking if they’ve had a falling out, but when they both deny it, she just nods her head and quietly goes back to her work. Callum doesn’t know what’s happening or how to change it. All he knows is that ever since the day of the cabin, he feels like he’s been wandering around like a lost sheep, life passing him by in slow motion and an inability to really feel it.  
  
And Ben, well, maybe he’s treading carefully because he doesn’t know what else to do or maybe he’s in his own state of shock following that day, but either way, it’s like he’s lost too and Callum doesn’t know how to change that either.  
  
That night when they go to bed there’s an uncomfortable silence between them that is starting to become familiar now. They lay there for a while and then Callum turns towards the wall, pulling the duvet up around his shoulders and closes his eyes. He expects Ben to curl up behind him, waits for an arm to wrap around his waist and a leg to slot in between both of his, but it never comes and Callum finds that he doesn’t mind.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The worrying thing about this strange dynamic that he and Ben have fallen into is that Callum starts to feel like he’s getting used to it. He feels numb to all that is going on and instead of doing the things his heart wants him to do like grab hold of Ben and never let him go, he can’t seem to find the will within himself to actually do it. It’s like he’s given up, it’s like they’ve both given up, and it’s sad but he doesn’t think he has the energy to fix it. Every day with Ben feels sluggish and lifeless now, like they’re wading through treacle and becoming even more stuck the more they try to push onwards.  
  
And so, three days later, it comes as no real surprise when Ben sits down next to him on their bed with a glum expression on his face and asks, “What are we doing?”  
  
The distance between them has become noticeable to everyone now and Callum knows they can no longer deny what’s happening to themselves. They’re barely talking, barely touching, barely doing anything at all. Ben has become quieter and quieter over the last couple of days, disappearing for hours on end and coming home late at night. Callum has been pretending to be asleep each night, listening to the way Ben carefully shuffles across the bedroom, pulls back the duvet and slides into bed beside him. Before now, Callum would have assumed Ben was seeing his family but he doesn’t think that now. He doesn’t know what Ben does with the hours he spends away, but he believes it’s nothing to do with the Mitchell's.  
  
Tonight though, Ben is here, sitting beside Callum on their bed, eyes empty as he stares out across the room. They’re both ready for bed but something has stopped Callum from getting under the covers and he thinks maybe his subconscious knew that this conversation was coming.  
  
“I don’t know,” he murmurs in answer to Ben’s question. He wishes more than anything that he did. Maybe then there could be a way to undo all of this.  
  
Ben is quiet for a long time and then says, “It’s like we don’t know how to be around each other anymore.”  
  
Callum can only nod at that because it’s true. He loves Ben and he knows Ben loves him but it’s like suddenly nothing works between them.  
  
Even so, he doesn’t expect Ben’s next words.  
  
“I think – I think this might be it. I think we should – I think we need to, you know, end things.” He sounds a little choked up and Callum turns to see tears in his eyes now, glistening in the low light of the bedside lamp.  
  
“Are you breaking up with me?” he asks, voice steady despite the rapid beating of his heart.  
  
“That day at the cabin, the day they took you, I hate what they did. I hate what my dad put you through,” Ben tells him. “And I hate the way it’s been effecting you since. You’re not yourself and I don’t know what to do to help you. I’ve done this to you, Callum.”  
  
“It’s not your fault, Ben,” he says, shaking his head, but he realises then that there’s no fight in himself. He should be reaching out to Ben, telling him he’s wrong, that they don’t have to do this, that they’ll find a way through it together. He should be fighting back, telling Ben that breaking up is the absolute last thing they should be doing, that they _love_ each other. But he’s not doing any of those things. His heart wants him to, screams out for him to, but he’s _tired_ , so tired, and he can’t help but wonder if love is enough.  
  
“It’s not just you. It’s the things that happened with me too. The things I did. It’s always going to be there and there’s nothing I can do to change it. But the one thing I can do is try to keep you safe. I can’t let anything happen to you again, Callum,” Ben continues. “And I’ve been thinking about it ever since that day and even though I think we’re safe now, the only way I can ever really protect you is to do this. If we’re not together then I can be sure you’ll be okay. And I need you to be okay, Callum.”  
  
A tear travels down Ben’s cheek and Callum stares, his own eyes dry despite the lump in his throat. Maybe that’s the reason for what he says in response.  
  
“You’re right,” he admits. “We can’t do this anymore, can we?”  
  
And they’re words he thought he would never say, not after everything they’ve been through, but that was before everything changed and even though he can’t imagine no longer having Ben in his life in this way, he can’t imagine how they’re ever going to be able to get past this either.  
  
“I wish I wasn’t,” Ben sighs. “I just can’t have you get hurt because of me. Remember when you said that being with me would be like having a death wish?”  
  
Callum thinks back and he remembers. It had been at the beginning of it all, the day Ben had invited him into his bedroom at the flat for the first time under false pretences and Callum had tried so hard to deny the effect Ben was having on him.  
  
 _“You know what they say - Everyone loves a mysterious bad boy,”_ Ben had said.  
  
 _“Yeah, a bad boy,”_ Callum had told him. _“Not a death wish.”_  
  
And he hadn’t known back then, had he? Neither of them had. Neither of them could have guessed that they would end up here now. Callum wonders if he'd had the benefit of hindsight whether he would have tried harder to stay away or whether he would have done exactly what he did and throw caution to the wind and be with Ben anyway.  
  
He thinks he probably wouldn’t have changed a thing even though it’s come to this.  
  
“Staying with me is too dangerous,” Ben says now. “I have to protect you. You have to know that I don’t want this though, Callum. If there was any other way....”  
  
Callum nods because he understands. “I know,” he whispers. “I know.”  
  
The threat of the Mitchell’s has always been present – it’s something Callum had feared for such a long time. And now it’s happened and he’s been hurt and he knows beyond a doubt that he can’t go through something like that again. He just can’t. So yes, Ben is right and they sit quietly alongside each other as they slowly accept that fact.  
  
Eventually, Callum stands and moves around the bed. He feels Ben’s eyes on him as he approaches the drawers and opens the one at the bottom, pulling out t-shirts that belong to him before placing them down next to him on the floor and opening the drawer above.  
  
“What are you doing?” Ben asks.  
  
“It makes sense to move into the other room, doesn’t it?” he replies, his fingers trembling as he starts to take a pair of jeans out of the drawer.  
  
“Right.” Ben pauses and then adds, “So we’re doing this then.” He sounds distant and Callum recognises the finality of his own actions. Clearing out his drawers perhaps isn’t something he needs to do at this very minute but what would be the point in putting it off? It won’t change anything. He might as well get it over with, hadn’t he?  
  
“Think it’ll do me good to sleep in a different room,” he says, wincing as he realises what he has said. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s nothing against you or what we are. I just think I need a bit of a reset.”  
  
 _And I don’t want to wake up in a bedroom that was once ours when we’re no longer together_ , he thinks, the words going unsaid.  
  
Ben nods. “Okay. You don’t have to go tonight though. It’s late. One more night won’t make a difference.”  
  
“And what? Delay the inevitable?”  
  
Ben doesn’t say anything in response to that and Callum doesn’t know what else to do. Ben is breaking up with him and even though it is in many ways a mutual break up, he is the one who has initiated the conversation tonight, he is the one who first put forth the idea that they no longer be together.  
  
Callum looks at him and knows it isn’t what Ben wants, knows that Ben is trying to keep him here for just a little bit longer and in truth it isn’t what he wants either. But there’s no going back. What they’re doing, it’s the right thing to do and Callum expects it will hurt but in time those wounds will heal. Maybe they’ll even be able to look back at what they had with fond memories and smile. Maybe in time it won’t feel like heartbreak.  
  
Ben doesn’t say anything again, instead watching as Callum moves around the room and gathers up his belongings, depositing them into his suitcase as he prepares to make the move into the bedroom on the other side of the wall. It feels like he’s moving out but despite the shaking of his hands, the lump in his throat and the hammering of his heart in his chest, he still doesn’t cry. Perhaps that’s a sign that it really is over between them.  
  
He crosses over to the bedroom door and looks back at Ben. Ben is watching him and Callum thinks that this is their last chance. The moment he leaves this room, that’s it. If he were to plead with Ben then maybe they would have a chance. If Ben were to change his mind, say that he should never have suggested they break up then maybe they would have a chance. If they were to move towards one another, lace their fingers together, hold each other in the way that only they know how – well, maybe then they would have a chance.  
  
But that’s not who they are anymore. It’s not who they’ve been in days. And so, taking one last look at him, Callum turns and walks out of the room, out of their relationship, out of a life he’s come to love.  
  
And when he walks into the next bedroom, it’s only then that he let’s go of his suitcase and closes the gap between them once more. There’s a wall separating them now, Ben in one room and himself in another, but even so, Callum places a hand against the wall and presses his head to the hard surface, closing his eyes as he listens to the sound of Ben’s cries.


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos left on the last chapter. I apologise for all the heartbreak it ended it causing - Ben and Callum have a good way of playing with people's emotions! 
> 
> Anyway, here is the next chapter.
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Six  
**

  
  
Callum doesn’t sleep a wink that night, eyes staring ahead at the wall opposite the bed with the knowledge of Ben being on the other side. It doesn’t feel real, the two of them no longer being together and it’s just another thing to add to everything else that has been making him feel the way he has been.

The next morning, Callum stands in the kitchen and zips up his rucksack ready for his first lecture of the day. His eyes are stinging from lack of sleep and he doubts that he’ll be able to concentrate on what his lecturers teach but he’s going anyway, intent on trying to get back to some kind of normality. The events of the cabin still linger with him but he presses on in the hope that it will get easier in time. And now that he has the added weight of his breakup with Ben on his mind, it allows his focus to shift away from thoughts of the Mitchell’s and to Ben himself and the relationship they have lost. He’s not sure which of the two he would rather fill his mind but he supposes that the latter is less traumatising even if it does hurt more to think about.

“Where’s Ben?” Lola asks when she walks into the kitchen. She has her own bag over her shoulder and a folder in her hand and glances at the clock on the wall above them. “We’re gonna be late if he doesn’t get a move on.”

“Oh, I uh – Not sure,” he fumbles, shaking his head at her. Usually he and Ben are already at the front door by now and waiting on Lola but today Callum is on his own, no Ben in sight.

“He’s not still in bed, is he?” Lola asks with a frown.

It’s another question that Callum can’t answer. He hasn’t seen Ben since walking out of their bedroom last night. “I don’t – I don’t know.”

Lola squints at him, her frown deepening. “What d’you mean you don’t know? Look, what’s going on with you two? It’s obvious you’ve had some kind of falling out – we can all see it. Whatever it is, you always sort things out, don’t you?”

And it’s true that they do but this time isn’t like the others and he can’t tell her why, nor can he find comfort in her words. There’s a hollow feeling in his chest that only Ben can fill.

She looks at the clock again and adds, “Although I reckon I’m gonna fall out with him in a minute if he doesn’t get a move on.”

“Are my ears burning?”

Callum jumps at the sound of Ben’s voice and both he and Lola turn to see him standing in the hallway, a pair of jog pants on and a hoodie that Callum recognises as being one of his own. He chooses not to pay too close attention to that though or read into it. It’s just a hoodie after all.

“Why aren’t you dressed?” Lola questions. “We’ve got to go.”

“I’m not going,” Ben responds, walking down the hallway towards them and entering the kitchen, passing Lola in the doorway.

“Why?”

Ben shrugs. “Don’t feel well.”

Callum sees the lie written over Ben’s face and can sense that this isn’t the right time to be questioned. But Lola is oblivious, pushing onwards in her interrogation.

“Why, what’s wrong with you?”

Ben sighs and Callum sees the way his jaw tightens with irritation when he says, “Probably something I ate, that’s all.”

“Let’s just leave it, yeah?” Callum suggests, eager for Lola to drop the subject so that they can leave for their lecture and let Ben be alone.

Ben picks up a clean glass from the side of the sink, appearing to ignore Callum’s words and turning on the tap.

“Callum, you went to a lecture after just being mugged so I’m pretty sure Ben can go to one with a bit of a dodgy stomach.”

That gets Ben spinning, the glass being thrown to the floor in anger and smashing against the tiles, water spilling out around him.

“For fuck’s sake, Lo!” he bellows. “Just get off my back will you?”

Callum stares at him wide-eyed and Ben huffs, his chest heaving in frustration. He looks at Lola then and sees how uneasy she looks but she hides it well, stepping backwards out of the kitchen and looking at Callum.

“I’ll leave you to sort your boyfriend out,” she says quietly.

Callum smiles at her in an attempt at reassurance. “You go. I’ll catch you up.”

She nods a little and then looks at the fragments of glass on the floor before turning and leaving the house. When she’s gone, Callum looks at Ben who appears to be in shock by his own actions. It had come as a shock to Callum too and he doesn’t know how to respond. He feels like he’s approaching a wild animal, careful in his movements, uncertain as to whether one wrong step will cause it to run away in fear or strike out in defence.

“You okay?” he asks as he steps closer, and the moment it leaves his mouth he's annoyed with himself for asking.

“I didn’t mean to scare her,” Ben mumbles, his eyes to the floor.

“I know.” He has always known Ben to have a temper, has seen it with his own eyes, but Lola hasn’t and Callum hopes she’s okay. He wants to go after her and make sure but his main priority is with Ben right now. He has to make sure Ben is okay.

Ben blinks in disbelief at the sight of the kitchen floor and then moves across the kitchen to pick up the dustpan and brush in the corner before returning to the broken glass again.

“I don’t know why I did that,” he says as he gets to his knees. “I don’t know why I lost it like that.”

Callum does though. Or at the very least he can guess. Ben has been under pressure now ever since he walked away from the Mitchell’s and with everything that has happened in the past week, from the kidnapping to the job he did for Marco to their breakup last night, Callum can understand why it’s all reached boiling point for Ben. He wishes there was a way he could help but he’s still trying to figure out how to get passed those things himself. How can he help Ben if he doesn’t even know how to help himself?

He watches as Ben sweeps up the shards of glass. When he’s finished, emptying the contents of the dustpan into the bin and leaning against the side of the kitchen unit with a sigh, Callum asks, “How do you want to do this? You and me?”

Ben looks at him and appears lost when he shrugs.

“We live together. We’re going to have to make it work somehow,” Callum continues and it reminds him of the time they had been living in the flat at the beginning of their first year and having to put aside their differences in order to get along.

“You wanna tell the others?” Ben asks.

“Not really. I wouldn’t know what to say to be honest. But we can’t keep pretending, can we?”

Ben shakes his head. “I wouldn’t either.” There’s a pause and then he asks, “Are you going to be okay?”

Callum doesn’t know exactly what he’s referring to, it could be a number of things, but he nods his head anyway and tries to believe it even though it feels like he’s very far from being okay at the moment.

“I’m not sure I will be,” Ben tells him and Callum wants to beg him to change his mind but he doesn’t. It might not be what either of them wants but breaking up has been the right thing to do.

He just has to keep telling himself that.

“It’s just going to take time, right?”

Ben fixes him with a stare. “You better go. You’ll be late for the lecture. Will you tell Lola that I’m sorry?”

Callum nods, picks up his rucksack and leaves.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It doesn’t take long for the others to discover that the two of them have broken up. Despite Callum talking to Lola and managing to calm her down and reassure her on the way to their lecture, the news of Ben’s outburst quickly gets back to Jay who goes ballistic.

“He did _what_?” he shouts, standing from the sofa and striding across the living room angrily. “What the hell did he do that for?”

“Jay, just calm down, yeah?” Callum says, putting a hand out to stop Jay in his tracks. “He was just stressed.”

“Stressed? I get stressed all the time, Callum, but I don’t go around smashing glasses! There’s no excuse!”

Lola moves in close beside him and tugs on his elbow to get his attention. “I’m alright. It just shocked me, that’s all.”

“Yeah, luckily. But what about next time, eh?”

“There won’t be a next time,” Callum assures him. “You know him, Jay. You know he isn’t someone who loses it for no good reason.”

Jay shakes his head but steps backwards, throwing out his arms in disbelief. “And what’s his good reason, eh?”

Callum closes his eyes not knowing what he’s supposed to say. The only way Jay is likely to understand is if he knows about the last few months but Callum can’t tell him.

“Well?”

So he sighs, telling him the only portion of the truth that he can. “Ben and I broke up. We’re not together anymore.”

Of course they question him about why and Callum comes up with a fabricated story about how things just weren’t working between them anymore and even though it leaves Jay and Lola with more questions than answers, it’s enough for Lola to persuade Jay to let things lie. And although he still isn’t happy with Ben, Jay nods in acceptance, agreeing not to approach Ben about it this time.

“But if he ever loses his temper like that again – "

“He won’t,” Callum assures him. “I promise he won’t.”

It’s probably a promise he can’t make, but he’d seen the way Ben had reacted in response to throwing that glass today and Callum feels sure that it won’t happen again.

When he goes to bed that night, Callum realises that today has been the first day in almost a week where he’s felt a sense of normality again. In trying to reassure both Lola and Jay following Ben’s outburst, he’s almost forgotten about the Mitchell’s, instead focussing on something other than recent events. And in doing that, he no longer feels as detached from the world around him as he has done.

Thinking about the Mitchell’s now, even though he still has fears for what may happen in the future, he decides not to let it rule his life in the way it has been doing. This past week has been exhausting for both himself and Ben and it has resulted in Ben being brought to the edge of breaking point today. Callum doesn’t want to fall apart like that. It was hard enough seeing Ben in that state without the same happening to himself.

And what of Ben? How is he supposed to help Ben when they’re no longer together anymore? He’s the only one who could possibly understand what is going on in Ben’s mind and unless Ben decides to tell anyone else about the last few months then no one else ever will. Who is going to help him, support him, look after him? Callum wants to be the one to do it even despite all that has happened, but he doesn’t know if he can do that without blurring the lines between them. It won’t do either of them any good in the long term to remain so emotionally attached to one another. They have broken up now, haven’t they? It’s not something they can undo.

He rolls over to face the wall and wonders whether Ben is on the other side. He hasn’t seen him since this morning in the kitchen and his heart aches to be with him, to hold him, to tell him that it will all be okay even if he’s not sure if it will be. He closes his eyes with Ben’s face in his head and tries to remember the touch of his skin and the smell of shampoo that often lingers in his hair. And he falls asleep hoping that time really will make things better again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben is miserable in the days that follow. Everyone can see it even though he tries to hide it behind a laugh and the occasional joke. There haven’t been any more outbursts like the one he had the other day. Instead he’s quiet and withdrawn, preferring to spend his time in solitude as often as he can. He goes to their lectures but remains silent during group discussion and as Callum watches him, it’s almost like looking at a man who is lost in his own world, so far out of reach to be brought back again.

Jay tries to talk him into playing games on the PlayStation with him in the hopes that it will give Ben the opportunity to talk but Ben refuses, claiming that he’s not up to it every time Jay asks. Lola suggests films for them all to watch, even suggests ones that she knows are Ben’s favourites, but still Ben shows very little interest or acknowledgement.

Callum’s heart breaks for him and it breaks for himself too because he wishes it wasn’t like this. When Jay and Lola approach him about it, he can’t explain to them why he and Ben can’t be together anymore and although they do their best to try and reunite them, it’s impossible when they don’t understand what has really happened. Even Whitney tries to get to the bottom of it.

“Well, you know I was never really keen on you two being together,” she says one evening as they’re sitting down for dinner. “It’s obvious he loves you though and you clearly love him.”

“Sometimes it’s not enough, Whit,” he replies, taking a slice of pizza from his plate and biting into it.

“So it’s about his family then?”

He swallows hard on the piece of pizza in his mouth and has to reach for his glass of water to avoid choking on it. She’s the only one who has mentioned Ben’s family, Lola and Jay presuming that the two of them have merely had some kind of tiff that will be resolved if they both put the effort in. But Whitney is looking at him now and it’s like she knows and he wants to tell her but it’s not for him to tell.

“Can we not talk about it?” he asks and he knows that it gives her the confirmation she was looking for.

She nods. “Okay. But I’m here if you want to talk, alright?”

He gives her a small smile and she reaches out to squeeze her hand around his. He’s grateful for her friendship. She’s never pretended to like Ben but she’s always been supportive of Callum’s choices and tried to offer advice where she could. And just knowing that she’s there makes the world of difference. He just hopes that Ben knows that Jay and Lola are there for him and that he’ll feel able to open up to them in time.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s the following day when Callum finds out just how bad things have been getting for Ben. He’s in the kitchen with Jay talking him through a recipe that Jay wants to learn how to cook for Lola when Ben walks in, a swagger in his step and his leather jacket in his arms. Callum hasn’t seen him looking so confident in weeks, months even, and it reminds him of the Ben from their first day – the one exuding charm and charisma that Callum had found himself enraptured with against his better judgment.

“Alright?” he smiles, passing them by on his way to the fridge.

Jay frowns in confusion and Callum thinks he must have a similar expression on his own face in response to Ben’s sudden change in mood.

“You off out?” Jay asks, glancing down at the jacket thrown over Ben’s arm.

“Yeah,” Ben nods, pulling a carton of juice out of the fridge and drinking straight from the cap.

It’s a move Callum hasn’t seen Ben make in a long time, Callum having scolded him whenever he did until Ben had eventually stopped. Ben glances his way now as if he’s expecting to be told off for the action but Callum remains quiet, knowing that he can’t get away with telling Ben off about anything anymore now that they’re no longer together.

Perhaps that’s why Ben does it, Callum thinks. Maybe he’s trying to get a reaction. But why would he do that? It’s not like Callum is ignoring him – they just haven’t spoken much since breaking up.

“So, uh, I’m having a few problems with my bank account at the moment,” Ben says, turning to look at Jay now. “Money’s not come through and everyone I’ve spoken to are being dickhead’s – you know how it is.”

Callum struggles to follow what Ben is saying. The words make sense but something doesn’t feel right.

“Thing is, I don’t know if I’m gonna have the money in time to pay the rent this month,” Ben continues, putting the carton of juice back in the fridge and letting the door swing closed. “You don’t reckon you could pay my share just for this month until the bank get it sorted, do you?”

Jay is quiet and Ben glances towards Callum again and suddenly the pieces fall into place. This confident exterior that Ben is wearing is just a façade to cover up the truth – there is no problem with the bank, there is no delay in money. This has Phil Mitchell written all over it. Callum doesn’t know why he hadn’t seen it straight away. He’s usually so good at seeing beyond Ben’s mask but today Ben is wearing it well and Callum can only assume it’s a way to stop Jay from asking too many questions.

“Uh, yeah, yeah,” Jay is nodding now. “I guess I can cover you so long as it’s just this month. And I mean, you’ll get it sorted, won’t you?”

“Oh, yeah! Course I will, mate! Just a few issues that’s all.”

“Alright, well just pay me back when you can, yeah? And you better not make a habit of it either,” he chuckles.

Ben huffs out a laugh. “Don’t worry, I won’t. I owe you one.” He pats Jay on the shoulder and then walks out of the kitchen without a backward glance and a moment later the front door is heard opening as he leaves the house.

“Bloody banks, eh?” Jay says, turning back towards Callum. “Aren’t you glad we’ve already got our student loans through? I wouldn’t like to be relying on family like Ben does.”

Callum pastes on a smile and nods, his thoughts running wild with all the possibilities. He had thought it was all going to be alright after finding out that Ben’s university fees had been paid a few weeks ago. Now there’s been some kind of setback and Callum let’s his mind travel to thoughts of the cabin and Phil and he wonders if maybe that wasn’t the end of it after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben doesn’t return to the house until later on that day. Callum hears the jingle of keys in the front door from where he’s sitting in the living room and with Whitney and Lola out looking for part-time jobs and Jay having left the house twenty minutes ago for a lecture, Callum can only assume it’s Ben. There’s the sound of shuffling in the hallway as Ben heads towards the kitchen and Callum closes the laptop on his knee and readies himself to go and speak to him. Ben appears in the living room before Callum has chance to leave the sofa and he seems surprised to see Callum there.

“Where is everyone?” he asks, hovering in the doorway as if trying to determine how much conversation to make before he can get away with leaving the room again. Callum wishes it wasn’t so hard to talk to Ben these days but being friends is something they’ve always been terrible at in the past.

“Jay’s at a lecture. Lola’s out helping Whit look for a job,” Callum explains.

Ben responds with a nod of his head and then he’s turning as he starts to leave the room and Callum stretches out a hand on instinct even though Ben is too far away to reach.

“Ben, just wait a minute, yeah?” he says, waving his hand as if it will in some way stop Ben from walking away. It gets Ben’s attention though and he stops, turning back to face him. When he remains silent, Callum asks, “What’s going on with the money thing?”

Ben’s eyebrows raise at that and he shakes his head, feigning ignorance. “Nothing’s going on. It’s like I said – the bank’s being a fucking nightmare that’s all.”

Callum puts aside his laptop and leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. “Don’t do that, Ben. Don’t lie to me. Say what you want to Jay, that’s fine, but I know you. This is your dad, isn’t it?”

Ben considers him for a moment and Callum thinks he’s about to make up another lie but then he’s moving forwards, dropping down onto the arm of the sofa.

“It is what it is, Callum. We always knew this could happen.”

“But I don’t understand,” he responds, frowning as he thinks back on the past month. “We went to the finance office; they said payment had gone through.”

Ben nods. “Yeah, and it has for my tuition fees. Dad set it up as a direct debit to the university so it had already been paid by the time he decided not to financially support me anymore. Money for accommodation and food and everything else has always come directly to me. Only this time it hasn’t.”

“But you’ll get it, right?” Callum asks even though he can already guess the answer. He wants so badly to be wrong though.

Shuffling a little on the edge of the sofa, Ben shakes his head and looks to the floor. “I went to see him. My dad. I know I shouldn’t have but I knew the rent on this place was due and I just needed to know. Needed to hear him say it. And he did.” There’s a pause and then, “He said I’m on my own. That he was too late to stop payment on my tuition but that I’m not gonna get another penny out of him. Not for this place, not for anything.”

“Well, what are you going to do? I mean, Jay’s covering you for this month but what about the next?”

He doesn’t want to put pressure on Ben into figuring out how the rest of their year is going to pan out but if Ben can’t pay the rent then that’s going to become a problem sooner rather than later, not just for him but for all of them. He silently admits to himself that there’s a small part of him panicking on Ben’s behalf but he’s determined not to show it.

“Guess I’ll have to find a job, won’t I?” Ben shrugs, looking up at Callum now.

But Callum isn’t daft. He knows that wages from a part time job won’t be enough for Ben to pay both for the rent on their student house and for basic necessities like food and travel. Everyone will pitch in to help Ben if only they knew but Callum doubts Ben will tell them the truth.

“Can you not apply for a loan?” he asks, trying to think of other options. “I know we’ve already started our second year but maybe there’s ways around it. We could go to the finance office and explain to them; say that your situation’s changed.”

“Maybe,” Ben says, but he doesn’t seem too sure. “You don’t have to worry. It’s not your problem.”

“But I want to help.”

A sad smile appears on Ben’s face. “I know. But it’s not your job to save me anymore, is it?”

The words render Callum speechless and he thinks about all the times he has tried to protect Ben and all the times Ben has tried to protect him. Ben is still protecting him simply by keeping his distance and it reminds Callum that that’s what they are now – distant in so many ways.

Ben stands from the sofa and leaves the room, the conversation seemingly over with, but it stays with Callum for the rest of the afternoon and on into the evening as he thinks about Ben’s future at university. He has to help even if Ben says he can’t. He has to do something, fight his corner, be there for him until Ben can see a way out of this. Callum isn’t going to let him face it alone. He just doesn’t know where to start in helping.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Johnny comes back home that weekend. He’s only six weeks into his second year of university and says that the pressure of studying for a law degree is already mounting. Callum can’t imagine what it must be like to be doing such a difficult course but he has to question just how bad it can be considering Johnny is already having a reading week so early on in the semester.

“I’m drowning in the books,” Johnny comments when Callum makes this point to him. “It’s not easy, you know.”

They have been talking on the phone for the last ten minutes now and Callum has already picked up on how stressed he sounds.

“Anything I can do to help? Not that I have a clue about law or any of that stuff.”

“Night out?” Johnny asks. “Me and you?” Callum tries to think of an excuse and the pause is enough for Johnny to question him. “Should I be offended that you’re having to think about this?”

“No,” Callum sighs. “I’m just not up for it right now.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

Callum doesn’t know why he tells Johnny about his breakup with Ben. It’s not like Johnny has ever really approved of the two of them being together so Callum doubts he’s going to get any sympathy. But still, Johnny will find out eventually so it makes sense to tell him now.

“You definitely need a night out then,” Johnny decides. “All the more reason if you ask me. You need cheering up and I need some stress relief. We’re going out. Saturday at eight, okay? Don’t argue.”

And Callum should tell him no, should tell him that he’d rather just sit at home and watch a film or something but he finds himself agreeing instead. A night out probably won’t make him feel better but it might help to take his mind off of Ben for a little while and he needs that right now because the emptiness in his chest at having lost him is growing more and more every day they’re apart and there’s nothing he can do about it. He remembers the reasons for them agreeing to break up, remembers not having any fight left in him to ask for Ben to stay, and he knows that everything that happened on the day of the cabin will always be there, lingering between them no matter where they are or what they do. He knows all these things and yet is still doesn’t stop him from missing Ben and wishing that things could be different.

When Saturday rolls around, Callum finds himself standing on the balcony of a darkened club, watching as people dance and laugh together in the strobe lights below. Johnny is by his side, passing him a drink and nudging into him a little.

“Seen anyone you like the look of yet?”

“Don’t start that,” Callum warns. “It’s too early to be thinking about being with anyone else.”

Johnny holds his hands up in defence and says, “Alright, alright, I’m just teasing. How about me and you just have a good night, okay?”

He nods in response and takes a gulp of his drink, feeling the way it slides down his throat and creates a buzz in his body.

They stay there for a while, watching everyone below and exchanging stories about university. Johnny tells him about the going’s on at the Carter’s and Callum laughs along as Johnny tells him about the day a pipe burst in the kitchen and how he and Mick had tried to stop it but both ended up drenched. Callum wishes he could have seen that. He can just imagine Linda’s face when she found out.

He says this to Johnny who responds, “It was a picture. Don’t think she’ll ask Dad to do the plumbing any time soon though.”

They talk some more and Callum begins to enjoy the night, glad that he had agreed to coming after all.

When a song starts playing that Johnny likes, his face brightens and he tugs at Callum’s sleeve and shouts, “Come and dance with me!”

“I’ve got two left feet!” Callum giggles but allows himself to be pulled along anyway. Once upon a time he would never have felt confident enough to do this but after spending the past year going on nights out with his housemates, he’s learned not to care what anyone around him thinks. He enjoys dancing even if he is often out of rhythm.

With his hand wrapped around Callum’s wrist, Johnny leads the way down the stairs, the vibration of the music growing stronger the closer they get to the dancefloor.

“I love this song!” Johnny shouts back at him as they reach the bottom of the stairs.

Callum laughs and is about to reply when he’s stopped in his tracks by the man approaching the staircase.

Realising he’s stopped, Johnny turns to look at him but Callum’s eyes are fixed on the man ahead whose expression mirrors his own as he too stands rooted to the spot.

“Ben,” Callum breathes, surprised to see him here. He wonders if Lola and Jay and Whitney are here too but they had all been at home making plans for a movie night when he had left.

Ben blinks rapidly, looking between both Callum and Johnny, and then he’s turning, making a beeline for the exit. Callum wants to shout out to him, call him back, but he’s so stunned to see him here that he can’t. It’s not the seeing Ben that has surprised him. After all, they see each other every day thanks to living under the same roof and studying for the same degree. What has surprised him is the fact that it’s so unexpected. Callum has come out to try and take his mind off Ben only he’s been right here, perhaps all along.

There’s a voice in his head that whispers that maybe it’s a sign, something akin to fate, but he ignores it knowing it won’t do any good to think that way.

“You alright?” Johnny asks from beside him.

Callum drags his gaze away from the steps leading to the exit that Ben has just taken and nods. “Yeah.”

“You coming then?”

He supposes he should allow Johnny to pull him onto the dancefloor, go and dance and carry on with the rest of his night as if bumping into Ben hasn’t happened, but it doesn’t feel right to ignore the fact that Ben is here. He doesn’t like the thought of them being in the same place but spending their nights separately as if they’re just two strangers who are living two separate lives.

It’s possible that Ben is already far away from the club now but there’s something within Callum that is drawing him towards the exit. There’s something in him that still senses Ben’s presence.

“Would you be mad if I went to catch him up?” Callum asks, feeling guilty for leaving Johnny here. “I’ll come back. I just – I need to go and…..” He trails off, not knowing what it is he needs, just that there’s something telling him to go after Ben and make sure he’s okay.

“I don’t suppose I could stop you even if I tried,” Johnny responds. “But no, I won’t be mad. Look, I’ll get us another drink. Come and find me when you’re done, okay?”

Callum nods and pats Johnny’s arm lightly in thanks before making his way towards the door.

As soon as he exits the club, he notices the chill in the air and wishes he had brought a jacket with him tonight. He stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jeans and looks along the street but can’t see Ben anywhere. There are so many people huddled in groups, some standing in doorways of the bars and restaurants that line the street and others wandering in amongst the slow-moving cars in an already drunken haze.

He does a quick check of the street, walking a little way up it before turning back again. It feels useless. Ben could be anywhere by now.

As he returns to the club, the sound of laughter gains his attention and he turns to spot two girls standing in the alleyway beside the club. He’s about to pass them and return indoors when he sees Ben further along the alleyway, his back to the wall, smoke rising into the air.

Callum heads towards him, stepping past the girls who are talking animatedly to one another now and comes to stand at Ben’s side.

Ben must know he’s there but doesn’t respond, instead keeping his eyes on the wall opposite and taking a drag of the cigarette in his hand.

“Since when did you smoke?” Callum asks, breathing in the smell of it and immediately feeling it settle on his chest.

“I don’t really. Just every once in a while when things get a bit much and I need to breathe.”

He nods at that even though it doesn’t really make sense to him. “Can you afford to be buying alcohol and cigarettes?” He mentally kicks himself for asking the question, not meaning for it to sound how it does. They haven’t spoken about Ben’s financial situation since last week but then again, they haven’t really spoken about anything at all since then, the two of them not knowing what to say around each other these days. Callum has been trying to find out about whether Ben could apply for a loan but it’s been difficult without having Ben’s input.

“Please don’t lecture me,” Ben mumbles, sliding down the wall to the ground until he’s sitting down. There’s no bite to his words, only sadness, and Callum lets the subject drop, looking down at Ben for a moment before dropping to the ground beside him.

The ground is hard and cold and Callum shivers involuntarily as he stretches out his legs in front of him. There’s silence between them and it’s a stark contrast to the sound of music coming from the street and the chatter from the two girls who are sharing the alleyway with them.

Ben takes another drag on his cigarette and then says, “I see you’ve moved on already.”

“What?”

“That bloke inside with you – it’s the same one from earlier on this year, isn’t it? Didn’t know you’d got his number.”

Callum shakes his head, surprised that Ben has jumped to this conclusion. “No, Ben. You’re so far off the mark. He’s not someone I’ve shacked up with. He’s Mick and Linda’s son.”

Ben falters and then his head turns, their eyes meeting. “So you’re not….?”

“No.”

“But earlier this year – you never said.”

Callum huffs out a laugh. “That’s because you wouldn’t let me get a word in edgeways if I remember correctly.”

He thinks about that night and he can understand why Ben thinks this way. After all, Callum had seen the jealousy in Ben that night and he had purposely alluded to Johnny as being a mere stranger just to gorge on the reaction that came from Ben as a result. Why had he done that? Why hadn’t he just been upfront with Ben about his own feelings instead of relishing in the thought of making him jealous? It’s not something he can go back and change now but it does make him feel a little guilty.

“So you’re not seeing anyone else?” There’s hope in his voice and it makes Callum’s heart ache.

“What do you take me for, Ben? I wouldn’t move on that quickly. I couldn’t even if I tried.”

Ben looks down at the ground and closes his eyes. “I miss you so much, Callum.”

Callum feels the sudden sting at his eyes and he blinks in an effort to hold back the tears that threaten to appear.

“I miss you too,” he admits. “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

Ben nods, stubbing out his cigarette. “Me too.”

And there’s a mutual understanding between them. For the first time in a long time it actually feels like they’re on the same page. It feels like they know what the other is saying without having to voice the words. Neither of them are happy, Callum knows that, just as he knows that this is the way it has to be. It’s the only way it can be.

“Life’s a fucking mess, Callum,” Ben says, throwing the cigarette butt at the wall opposite them. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.” His voice trembles and he presses the palms of his hands into his eyes. “Every time I close my eyes all I can see are those faces on that truck. It’s like Heather all over again.”

Callum might not have been the one to send those people away, but they’ve been on his conscience ever since that day and he can only imagine what it must be like for Ben. He tries not to think about the things Ben did because even though there’s no excuse for it, even though it still has the power to turn his stomach at the very thought of it, Callum knows that Ben did those things to keep him safe – to keep them both safe. It doesn’t make it any easier but it’s the one thing he tells himself whenever his mind travels to the victims on that truck.

“And now I’m here,” Ben continues, turning his head up to the sky above them. “Maybe I deserve this for everything I’ve done. I wish I could have been better. I almost was, wasn’t I? And now it’s all gone."  
  
“Do you regret it now? Walking away from your family? Would you go back if you could?”

Ben is quiet for a long time and Callum wonders what he’s thinking but is content to wait on a response knowing that Ben will eventually give him one.

“It’d sure as hell be easier,” Ben says eventually. “I mean, what do I have left now, eh?”

_You have me_ , Callum wants to say but stops himself because he knows it isn’t in the way either of them wants it to be.

“You’re the only one who understands, you know,” Ben tells him, turning to him again. “You’re the only one who’ll ever understand the things in my head.”

And Callum nods because he knows it’s true but it’s also true that Ben is the only one that will ever really understand him in return. They’ve built a world for themselves and they’re the only ones who will ever truly understand it. They’re the only ones who’ll ever really _know_.

They continue to sit quietly for a while, Callum not knowing what to say in response to Ben’s words although he doesn’t think Ben is expecting one from him.

As the minutes pass and Callum starts to think that maybe he should go back inside and find Johnny, Ben says, “I don’t, you know.”

“Don’t what?” he asks.

“Regret it. My family. And I wouldn’t go back to them if I could. The only thing I regret is that it lost me you.”

Callum wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t encouraged Ben to walk away from his family. They would likely still be together now although their future would always remain unsettled with Phil Mitchell calling upon Ben whenever it suited him. Whichever path Ben had taken, it seems impossible that he and Ben would have been a forever thing. Maybe they were just never meant to be.

But he had believed it. He had believed in _forever’s_ when it came to Ben. Perhaps it was naïve of him, perhaps nineteen is too young an age to be able to think and feel something of that magnitude. He knows that what he and Ben had was real though. Their relationship had perhaps been doomed from the very beginning but it could have been so much more.

“D’you reckon we can give being friends a try?” Callum asks now, knowing he misses him and wants him in his life in some way rather than not at all. "I know we've never really been any good at it but we can try, right?"

A smile tugs at the corner of Ben’s mouth. “Yeah, I guess we can try. It’d be nice to have you around properly again.”

Callum smiles back, very almost reaching out to take hold of Ben’s hand before stopping himself when he remembers that’s not something he can do anymore.

“I better get back inside.”

“Yeah. Think I’m just gonna go back home.”

Nodding, Callum forces himself to stand so that he doesn’t do something stupid like suggest he keeps him company on the journey back home. Johnny is waiting for him and even though his heart wants to stay with Ben, he knows he has to see out the rest of this night and try and enjoy it.

“It’ll always be you, you know,” Ben says softly before Callum has the chance to walk away. “I probably sound like an idiot saying that but I just want you to know. Wherever we end up, it’ll always be you.”  
  
Callum feels the tears in his eyes again and this time he doesn’t try to hold them back.

“It’ll always be you too,” he replies quietly.

And then he turns on his feet quickly so that he doesn’t have to see Ben’s face in response and walks out of the alleyway and back towards to the club.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for comments and kudos left on the last chapter! I love reading everyone's feedback - it means so much :)
> 
> I'm going to apologise now for this chapter which is probably quite messy and in need of a tidy up. Usually a chapter goes through quite a few changes before being posted here and I try to make it neater but I haven't been able to do that with this one so you're basically reading the first draft. I can only hope it's alright. Work has been very busy in the run up to the end of term and has left me so exhausted that even when I've had enough time to write, my brain has been foggy and in need of a rest. It's no excuse but I want to apologise anyway and I hope it reads okay!
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Seven  
  
  
  
  
**

As the weeks pass, Ben and Callum try to establish some form of friendship for themselves. It isn’t easy, especially when all Callum ever wants to do is suggest to him that they try again, and he has to keep reminding himself of the reasons for their break up in the first place. Not that he ever forgets everything that happened on the day that Phil Mitchell had held him at the cabin, but he’s tried hard to put it behind him as best as he can and has somehow managed to return back to normal life again.

The only difference now though is that he doesn’t have Ben by his side, not in the way he wants him to be anyway. Ben may still be around but it isn't the same anymore. Callum finds new ways to be around him though, new ways to talk to him, new ways to laugh with him, ways to keep himself at both a physical and emotional distance in an attempt to make it easier for both of them. And Ben makes the same effort even though it’s hard for him too. Callum knows that for the most part the smiles and the laughs from Ben are merely just a mask to cover up everything else he is going through. He knows simply by looking at Ben that he isn’t getting much sleep and often hears him pacing in the middle of the night at the other side of the bedroom wall.

And so, by the time their rent is due again at the end of October, Callum isn’t surprised to learn that Ben still isn’t able to pay his share.

“Again?” Jay asks, staring at him in shock. “It’s been a whole month, Ben. You can’t be telling me that the bank still haven’t sorted it?”

“Well, I don’t know what else to tell you,” Ben shrugs, but despite appearing indifferent, Callum can see that he’s embarrassed by the admission. His eyes lower to the kitchen table and his hands ball into fists.

“How about you tell us what’s really going on,” Lola suggests, looking across at him in concern. “’Cause, I mean, you haven’t paid Jay back for him covering the rent last month and he’s not going to bail you out again.”

Jay puts a hand on her shoulder and murmurs, “It’s alright, babe. Just leave it.”

“No, it isn’t alright. If there’s a problem then he needs to tell us.”

Ben groans loudly and then he is pushing back his chair angrily and storming out of the room.

“Ben!” Callum calls out to him, but Ben ignores him, stomping up the stairs loudly and a moment later the door to his bedroom slams closed.

All eyes are on Callum now who shrugs in an attempt to pretend as though he doesn’t know what’s going on. He feels torn. On the one hand Jay, Lola and Whitney deserve to know that Ben is unlikely to be able to pay the rent for the foreseeable future. But on the other hand he doesn’t want to betray Ben’s trust by telling them all something that Ben has so obviously decided to remain silent about.

“You can’t keep paying his share of the rent for him,” Lola says to Jay, voicing what both he and Whitney must also be thinking.

“I’ll go talk to him,” Callum tells her, pushing his own chair away from the table and making his way out the room.

Walking up the stairs and stopping outside of the bedroom that he used to share with Ben, he readies himself for whatever mood Ben is going to be in and raises his hand, knocking on the door quietly.

“What?” he hears Ben snap from inside before the door is being swung open to reveal the angry expression on his face. It fades though when he sees Callum there and his shoulders sag, the tension releasing from his body. “Oh, it’s you.”

Callum doesn’t even have to ask if he can come in because Ben is already stepping aside for him, closing the door again and looking at him tiredly.

“So, no luck in finding a job, eh?” Callum asks, trying to tread carefully.

Ben shrugs at that. “It’s not like I’ve got a lot going for me, is it? And I have tried, Callum, but some places take one look at the name on top of my CV and that’s it – they’re not even willing to give me a chance.”

“Maybe you could try the SU,” he suggests. “Jay could put in a word for you. The university has already accepted you despite your name so you know you’re not going to get turned away because of that. And I could see you behind a bar - you'd be good at it.”

“I don’t know,” Ben replies, sounding unsure.

Callum thinks it’s worth a try though even if Ben doesn’t. Right now, Ben can’t afford to be fussy in his choices. He needs money. Fast.

“Have you thought about maybe telling everyone what’s happened with you and your dad?” he prompts, hoping to be able to talk Ben into it, but Ben shakes his head, moving across the room to sit down on the edge of the bed.

“No, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Ben sighs. “Because they won’t get it. And because if I say I’ve walked away from my family then they’ll want to know what that even means and I’ll have to tell them about the jobs and refusing to do them and then they’ll want to know about the ones I’ve done in the past and I just – I can’t tell them, okay?”

Callum thinks that it would be easy enough to tell everyone that he’s had a bad falling out with his family and that his dad isn’t financially supporting him through university anymore as a result. They don’t have to know all the details, just the one that matters.

He’s about to tell him this when Ben mutters, “Maybe I should drop out.” He looks away and scratches roughly at his fingers in agitation.

Callum feels as though his heart stops at Ben’s words.

“Drop out?”

“Of uni,” Ben clarifies but he doesn’t need to because Callum already knows what he had meant. He’s just too in shock by the words.

“You _can’t_ ,” Callum remarks, moving to sit down beside Ben on the bed. “You _can’t_ drop out. You’re – you’re good at uni. You’re meant to be here.” He can hear the desperation in his voice and knows that it’s partly for selfish reasons that he needs Ben to stay. He can’t do university without him, can’t spend his days without having him around. He needs Ben here as much as Ben himself needs to be here. “Just let me help you. I can help you to look for a job. And if it comes to it, I can see if Mick and Linda would give you some shifts at the pub or maybe my boss at the restaurant could. I know that Walford and Canning Town would mean jumping on and off the tube but it’d be better than nothing, wouldn’t it?”

The soft smile emerging onto Ben’s face is what makes him stop throwing out suggestions, realising that he hasn’t paused for breath since he’d started. He’s so determined to help Ben in whatever way he can, so insistent that Ben has options even though neither of them can immediately see them at the moment. Dropping out of university is the absolute last thing that Ben should do and Callum is prepared to do whatever he can to stop it from coming to that.

“Why are you helping me?” Ben asks softly. “You don’t have some kind of duty to me, you know.”

“That’s not the reason,” he responds.

Ben looks at him. “Then why?”

And the reason is obvious, isn’t it? Or at least, it should be.

“You know why.”

_Because I love you. Because I’d do anything for you._

Ben’s smile fades and he looks down at his hands again and nods. He knows.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s later on that day when Callum goes to speak to Jay. Ben hadn’t accepted his offer of help but he hadn’t declined it either so Callum decides that gives him the freewill to do whatever he chooses. Like speak to Jay.

He finds Jay in the living room, sprawled out on the sofa as he stares ahead at the television screen. There’s a game on the PlayStation that is playing out before him but Jay isn’t taking part. Instead, his character is motionless as it stands in the corner of the screen.

“Never seen you so bored over a game before,” Callum comments as he approaches the sofa, nudging at Jay’s legs to get him to move a little to create some space. Jay sits up properly, allowing Callum to sit down beside him.

“Not really the same without someone to play with,” Jay replies, putting the controller onto the floor. “Is he alright?”

Callum knows who Jay is referring to and shakes his head. “Not really, mate. Listen, you don’t think you could maybe see if there’s any jobs going in the SU could you? Put in a word for him?”

“I can try. What’s going on with him?”

Jay sounds concerned and Callum wants to tell him but bites his tongue, not allowing it all to spill out of him. “I can’t say. But he really needs a job and he’s not having much luck anywhere else.”

There’s silence for a moment as Jay contemplates this and then says, “You know that even if he gets a job there then it won’t be enough to cover the rent, right? It’s making drinks in a university bar not working for some high flying corporate business.”

“I know,” Callum nods. He’s thought of this too and knows that it will only go so far as to help Ben. But it’s something and maybe that’s all Ben needs to be convinced to stay at university. Maybe it’s all he needs to feel like he’s in some way on top of everything again. “I’ll try and get your money for you as well,” he adds, thinking about how at least that will be one thing to rid Ben’s mind of if he’s no longer in debt to Jay.

Jay shakes his head though, eyebrows furrowing. “It doesn’t matter about that. There’s no rush. What matters right now is Ben, yeah? How bad are things, Callum?”

Callum sighs heavily. “They’re bad.” It’s all he’s willing to say on the matter and Jay seems to understand.

“Alright. I’ll drop in a word for him when I start my shift tomorrow. See what I can do.”

Callum very almost hugs him but settles for a smile instead. “Thank you.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It happens fast.

The next evening Jay is arriving home from his shift in the student union bar and sliding a sheet of paper across the table towards Ben who has been absentmindedly picking his way through a bowl of pasta for the last ten minutes. Callum has refrained from telling him that it will be going cold, instead focusing on dishing up his own meal and thinking about the fact that he and Ben haven’t spent a meal alone together since before the break up. In a way, Jay’s entry is a relief.

“What’s this?” Ben asks, putting down his fork to look at the piece of paper.

“There’s a trial going at the SU if you want it,” Jay explains. “All you have to do is fill out some basic details and drop it off at the bar. You interested?”

Ben scans his eyes across the paper and then looks at Jay before his eyes travel to Callum’s own. “Is this you?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

“What? I don’t know anything about it,” Callum lies, turning away from Ben’s stare to put his now empty pan into the sink.

“So you’re saying it’s just a coincidence that in the same week I can’t pay the rent for the second time running there just happens to be a job going over at the SU?”

Callum looks back at him as he prepares a response but it’s Jay who provides an answer.

“Okay, yeah, Callum might’ve said something to me, and yeah, I might’ve asked around at work. But you know what, Ben? He’s trying to help you and so am I so you can take that look off your face and do us both a favour, and do yourself one, and fill out that form.”

Ben stares ahead at Jay with wide eyes and even Callum is surprised by how firm he has been. He sees the way Ben swallows hard and knows how difficult it must be for him to accept help like this.

“Okay,” he whispers in a rare moment of open vulnerability. “Okay.”

Jay nods. “Trial starts next week. You’ll do a couple of weeks, give you chance to learn the ropes, and if they like you then you’ll be rostered on around your lectures and stuff. So, you’re gonna do it, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ben agrees, head lowered as he looks at the form in front of him.

“Good.” Jay turns to leave and then stops. “Oh, and by the way, before you have a go at Callum, he hasn’t told me anything, just that you need this job. But let’s face it, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that the story you’re spinning us about the bank being slow is complete bullshit. So if you wanna talk, maybe tell me what’s really going on, then you know where I am.”

Jay leaves no room for a response from either of them, leaving the kitchen and closing the door behind him. When he’s gone, Ben looks up with tears glistening in his eyes and he chews at his lip anxiously.

“You didn’t tell him anything?”

Callum shakes his head. “No, Ben. But they _have_ to know. You can’t keep this up for much longer. There’s only so much I can do.”

Ben looks back towards the piece of paper and it’s clear that he doesn’t agree but he says nothing. There’s silence between them and Callum turns back to his dinner, picking up the bowl and carrying it over to the table. When he sits down, Ben glances up at him and the corners of his mouth twitch upwards.

"Thank you."

And Callum knows it isn’t just a thank you for not telling Jay about the Mitchell’s, nor is it just a thank you for helping him to find a job. It’s a thank you for a lot of things – for trying to help, for fighting his corner, for being there.

 _I’ll always be here for you_ , he thinks.

“Eat your pasta,” he tells Ben instead.

And so he does.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They go on a night out that weekend to celebrate Ben getting a trial at the university bar. It’s Callum’s idea – he knows Ben could do with being uplifted and a night out surrounded by his friends could be just what he needs. Ben declines at first, saying that his money is dwindling fast and that he can’t afford to keep going on nights out, but Callum tells him that it’s a night to celebrate him and that Ben needn’t worry about having to spend a penny.

“We’re gonna turn this all around,” he had told Ben. “You’ll smash your trial, get the job, and then we can focus on getting all this money stuff sorted out.”

“We?” Ben had asked and Callum had simply nodded and smiled.

Of course, he knows that it’s not going to be as easy as Ben getting a part time job. Callum is still keen to look into student loans and the other options available for Ben, but Ben needs something positive to think about; needs to see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

Their night out is just that – some much needed fun that brings a smile to Ben’s face. It’s a smile Callum hasn’t seen in a long time and he looks genuinely happy here. Lola is still clearly wary about what has been going on but she drops the topic of rent payments for tonight, content to enjoy a night of drinking and dancing and laughing with everyone.

When Callum goes to the bar to get in a round of drinks, Ben follows on behind him and it’s very much like old times again until Ben opens his mouth and reminds him of all that has changed.

“I’m so glad I have you, you know,” he says as they stand at the bar waiting for their drinks. “These past few months have been – Well, they’ve been _a lot_ and I couldn’t have got through it all without you.”

Callum smiles and shrugs it off. “Yeah, you could. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Ben.”

“And you never take credit given to you,” Ben responds with a roll of his eyes. “I mean it, Callum. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Having someone as supportive as you are, who has my back through everything, who hasn’t turned away from me – it means everything.”

Callum is torn between asking just how many drinks Ben has had already or accepting the compliment. He knows Ben wears his heart on his sleeve and hearing him talk like this isn’t new but it’s a side of Ben he never expected to see again after they had broken up. He wants to tell Ben that he doesn’t know where he’d be without him either, wants to say, _“I can’t imagine my life without you in it”_ , wants to say, “ _you mean everything to me too”_ , but before he has chance to say any of those things, Ben speaks first.

“You’re a good friend, Callum.”

And just like that he feels his heart drop into his stomach because even though he knows that’s what they are, even though he’s accepted that it’s all they can be, hearing the words out loud makes it real, more real than it has ever felt. It hurts to hear it and he knows from the pained look on Ben’s face that it must hurt just as much to say it too. He nods though, forces on a smile, and nudges into Ben’s side as he takes the drinks that have been placed down on top of the bar. Ben takes hold of the remaining glasses and he starts to walk away in the direction of Lola, Jay and Whitney who are sitting in a booth on the edge of the dancefloor.

Callum follows in his lead and wonders if it will always be like this – Ben following him, him following Ben, round and round in circles forevermore.

_“You’re a good friend, Callum.”_

The words play on a loop in his head. They don’t feel right. They _aren’t_ right. But somehow they have to be.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It isn’t long before Jay and Lola are hurrying away to dance together. It has become the norm ever since their return to university in September for the two of them to want to spend more and more time alone. The summer changed them, brought them closer together than Callum had thought was possible, but since then they can’t seem to get enough of each other. He’s happy for his friends and happy that they’re still going strong a year into their relationship but there’s a small part of him that can’t help feeling bitter though. The summer had changed his own relationship with Ben, it too bringing them closer together, but then the aftermath of it had torn them apart and Callum wishes it hadn’t, wishes they could have stayed as strong and as close as Jay and Lola are.

“Uh, hi!” someone says, breaking Callum out of his thoughts and he looks up from where he’s sitting to see the guy who has approached their booth. “I don’t do this very often, or at all really, so you can tell me to sod off if you want and I won’t take it personally, but, can I maybe buy you a drink?”

Callum glances at Whitney who is already looking his way. He looks up at the guy again and takes a moment to observe him. He’s well-dressed, perhaps too well-dressed for the inside of a club surrounded by what Callum assumes are mostly university students, this club being popular amongst them. There’s a nervous smile on his face and Callum believes that approaching people on a night out isn’t something he ever does. And then he looks at the way the guy is smiling softly down at Whitney with a hopeful look in his gaze and even though he doesn’t know anything about the guy, Callum thinks that he might be worth a chance.

So he looks back at Whitney and nods in encouragement, knowing that Whitney is seeking his approval before being able to make a decision.

“This is the part where you say yes,” Ben says, his eyes widening playfully in what Callum assumes is his own way at offering encouragement.

Whitney giggles and then she’s turning back to the guy who is patiently waiting on a response and nodding her head.

“Okay,” she smiles, almost a little shyly. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

The guy beams at her and then he’s stepping aside and motioning in the direction of the bar. Whitney glances back at Callum who nods his head again, urging her on, and there’s a silent understanding between them that he will keep watch, make sure she’s safe, be there if she suddenly starts to feel uncomfortable. Whitney smiles in thanks and slides out of the booth, following on behind the guy as they make their way to the bar.

A foot knocks against his own and he drags his eyes away from Whitney’s retreat and looks to Ben beside him.

“You don’t have to be so worried about her,” Ben teases. “She’s alright. She knows how to look after herself. I mean, she’s lived with me for the past year, hasn’t she?”

Callum huffs out a laugh but knows that what Ben is saying is true. Whitney can look after herself and he’s sure she will be fine. She’s one of his closest friends though and he cares about her; it’s only natural for him feel protective over her just as he knows she would about him.

Ben must still be able to see the worry on his face because he adds, “And if it turns out he’s no good, you can swoop in and save the day like one of those heroes in your comics whilst I smash the bloke’s face in. How’s that sound?”

Callum laughs properly now and Ben joins in with him, shaking his head as he takes a drink from his bottle. He doesn’t think Ben would do anything to physically harm the guy but it’s nice to know that he cares for Whitney too even if they have had a strained relationship in the time they’ve been at university together. There has certainly never been any love lost between them but Callum is glad that they can finally spend time together and talk amicably to one another. It’s a lot better than the days of their first year when there was mostly silence between them aside from the occasional hostile remark.

“It’s sweet that you care,” he says, smiling at Ben now.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Ben responds. “But you do and we can’t have you stressing, can we? Anyway, you never know, things could end up working out between them and that’ll mean he might start hanging around a bit and I wouldn’t say no to seeing a bit more of him.” Ben glances towards the bar and Callum follows his line of sight to where Whitney and the guy are. “You’ve got to admit he’s fit,” Ben comments.

“Oi!” Callum blurts out, elbowing at Ben’s side before he realises what he’s doing.

“What?” Ben laughs, turning back to him. “I can look, can’t I?”

And he can. He can look. He can look at whoever he wants now and do so much more besides. And it’s true that the guy Whitney is with is indeed very good-looking. Callum has no reason to speak out against Ben doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants but it doesn’t stop the pang of jealously that he feels.

“Yeah,” he nods and then adds, “I mean, he’s clearly interested in Whit so you probably don’t stand a chance but sure, no harm in looking.”

Ben smiles softly and looks down at the table, running his finger through a pool of condensation that has gathered there. “And you? You seen anyone you’re interested in?”

Callum chuckles because it’s usually a question that Johnny asks him. It feels weird to be asked such a thing by Ben and he says as much.

Ben nods in agreement. “Yeah, it is a bit weird. But we’re mates now, right? This is what mates chat about.”

The mood shifts between them and suddenly feels heavy again and god, Callum _hates_ that word. _Mates_. Mates – like they’re nothing more than two people who just hang out together. Like they’re nothing more than just two people having a laugh over a few drinks.

“So is there?” Ben pushes on. “Anyone here you like the look of?”

Callum shakes his head and looks down at his bottle. “There’s only one person here that I’m interested in and he’s off-limits.”

When he looks up again he meets Ben’s eyes and it’s like that night in the alleyway again when Ben had told him that it would always be him. The way they had looked at each other then is the same way they are looking at each other now, only this time Callum feels no need to walk away. This time he wants to stay.

There’s a small voice in the back of his head telling him that this is the way it is between them now; that breaking up was for the best and that they did the right thing. It’s a voice that has been in his head ever since their relationship came to an end. But now he can hear another voice alongside it, quiet and soft, barely noticeable as it whispers to him to _fuck that_ , fuck what’s right and for the best.

He’s about to speak up, to say things he hasn’t yet had chance to properly think through, but then Ben is breaking his stare and sliding out of the booth and Callum feels his brain struggle to keep up.  
  
“Come on,” Ben grins and Callum can see that it’s forced. “Mates dance together, don’t they? Let’s go dance.”

And then he’s disappearing onto the crowded dancefloor and Callum watches on after him before standing up and following in his footsteps.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben starts his trial a week later. Callum hears Jay talk about how eager he is to learn, how perseverant he is, how driven and enthusiastic he is behind the bar. There’s a change in Ben too who seems to grow in confidence almost overnight and he seems a lot happier as well, at least as far as Callum can see anyway. It’s like Ben is turning a corner and Callum has hope for him, that light at the end of the tunnel appearing clearer as the days go by.

“I could come and see you maybe?” Callum suggests one week into Ben’s trial. “See how you’re getting on.”

“No chance!” Ben spits out with a laugh. “If you’re there then I’ll be getting a telling off for paying too much attention to one of the customers and neglecting everyone else. Then I’ll fail the trial. How bad would you feel then, eh?”

Callum chuckles at that. “Alright, fine! But when they do give you the job, I’m coming whether you like it or not.”

“ _When_ I get the job? You have a lot of faith in me, don’t you?”

It’s a light-hearted question and Callum can only smile in response but the truth is that he does have a lot of faith in Ben. This is Ben Mitchell who has recently walked away from the clutches of his own family against all the odds. If he can do that, then Callum knows that he can do whatever he sets his mind to.

And that’s exactly what happens the following week when Ben returns home after working a shift in the bar to reveal that he has passed his trial and has officially been given the job.

“I can’t believe it!” he grins as Jay pulls him into a hug.

“I can,” Callum beams from across the room and Ben’s eyes catch his from over Jay’s shoulder and Callum thinks he’s blushing but maybe it’s just the light.

Ben draws back then and turns serious when he looks at Jay. “I couldn’t have done this without you, mate.”

“Yeah, well, it weren’t just me, was it?” Jay replies before glancing Callum’s way.

Ben’s eyes travel back to him again and he shakes his head. “No. No it’s wasn’t.”

There’s something in Ben’s gaze that Callum can’t decipher but before either of them have chance to say anything, Lola is tugging on Ben’s arm and congratulating him and the moment is lost.

They seem to be having a lot of these moments – moments where Callum thinks that something more is going on or moments when there’s silent words being passed between them. He doesn’t know what to make of it and doesn’t know if he should do anything about it. These moments come and go fleetingly and maybe he’s reading too much into them but he doesn’t think he is. They’re trying to be friends but it’s starting to feel like maybe it's all some kind of interlude, a game of pretence that neither of them have the rules for.

The voice in his head is a little louder now. It’s telling him to stop this dance, to let go of all rational thought and forget about all that has gone before. It’s telling him to listen to his heart.

He chooses to ignore it though when he looks at Ben and sees the way his eyes are brighter than they have been in a long time. Ben is happy and Callum doesn’t want to complicate things for him again by throwing out the idea of a possible reunification. Ben’s happiness is more important.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It turns out that Callum needn’t have worried about complicating things for Ben because despite getting the job in the Student Union bar and despite his happiness in the aftermath, as both Jay and Callum had predicted, Ben still isn’t able to make his payment when the rent on their student house is due for a third time.

It doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone but even so, Ben has been so upbeat recently that the realisation that all the hard work isn’t going to be enough is still deflating. He tells Jay first and Jay is the one who tells Callum who feels himself deflate at the knowledge too.

And then comes the part where they have to tell the rest of the house. They’re sitting around the table in the kitchen as has become the norm for conversations like this. It’s something they have started to do every month when the rent is due. Jay always brings along a notepad and pen as if he’s in some kind of business meeting but he claims he just likes to remain on top of the “smooth running of the house.” Callum had laughed when Jay had first said that but he supposes he can see the importance of coming together like this, particularly when there’s problems that need addressing. He had hoped that they could at least wait for Ben to join them and allow Ben to tell Whitney and Lola himself but Jay shows no interest in waiting, instead telling the girls as soon as they sit down.

“So that means he can’t pay it this month,” Jay finishes, having explained that the money Ben makes from his bar work won’t be anywhere near enough to pay his share of the rent.

“What?” Lola cries in disbelief, her eyes widening as she realises to gravity of the situation. “So what does that mean? How’s he supposed to keep this up if he’s never gonna have the money?”

“Can we all just wait for Ben?” Callum asks of them, holding his hands out to try and get them to pause for a moment. “He’ll be here in a minute and he can tell you everything himself.”

Ben still hasn’t told anyone about walking away from his family and even though Jay is aware of his difficult financial situation, he is still yet to know the cause of it. Callum just wants Ben to be honest with everyone because he’s sure they will all be a lot more understanding and supportive if they knew the truth but each time he has made this suggestion, Ben has shook his head and changed the subject, not even entertaining the idea of it.

“We could get thrown out of the house, Callum. This is serious,” Lola points out.

Whitney gasps at that. “Could we?” she asks, eyes on Jay who she apparently deems as being the person with the answers.

“I uh, I don’t really know to be honest. Obviously if Ben can’t pay the rent then that’s a problem but I don’t know if that’s something that would affect us. It’s more likely that it'll just be Ben who’ll get chucked out.”

Callum feels suddenly very sick. He doesn’t want to think about Ben not being here. He thinks back to the day when Ben had contemplated dropping out of university altogether. Callum had thought he’d managed to prevent that from happening by helping Ben to get the job but the thought of Ben being pulled out of university against his will is somehow so much worse.

“Look, we just need to give it time, yeah?” he says, trying to hide the wobble in his voice.

“And then what?” Lola asks. “Jay’s just said that this job isn’t going to make much of a difference so what’s going to change? We’re going to keep having this same conversation every month, aren’t we?” She pauses and then sighs, closing her eyes for a moment before looking back at him. “I’m not trying to be hard on him, Callum. Ben’s my mate and I care about him – I don’t wanna see him go. But the way I see it is that we can’t go on like this. Jay paid the first instalment, you helped out with the second, so who’s next? We can’t keep using our own student loans to help Ben out. It’s not like we’re rolling in it ourselves, is it?”

Callum nods in acceptance. He can understand what Lola is saying because he knows that they’re all in the same boat. The loan he receives is enough to pay for his accommodation and for the food shopping and for basic necessities like textbooks and equipment and although there’s always money left over by the end of the month, he knows that it’s not enough to pay Ben’s rent for him. It’s not enough for any of them to be able to do such a thing. But Ben has to stay at university, that’s something that Callum is determined to help with.

He’s about to ask if anyone has any ideas for ways that they can help Ben when the kitchen door creaks open and Ben appears. He looks defeated as he hovers in the doorway, but there’s something else too. There’s a vacancy in his eyes and despite being at a distance from him, Callum can see the way he’s shaking.

“I need to go, don’t I?” Ben says, rubbing his hands together anxiously. “I’m dragging you all down.”

“No, Ben, that’s not true,” he starts to argue but stops when Ben turns to him.

“Forget it, Callum. I heard enough to know that you’d all be better off without me. What’s the point in me waiting around for the day that you start to see it too?”

Callum opens his mouth to respond but Ben is turning and closing the door behind him and it renders them all silent. How can Ben think that any of them would be better off without him? How can he think that it’s inevitable that one day Callum will feel that way?

He stands to go after him but Whitney catches his arm. “I think you should just leave it for a bit. I don’t know what that was but I reckon he just needs time.”

Callum looks towards the door that Ben has just left through and then back at Whitney. He doesn’t know what Ben is thinking and feeling. He doesn’t know if Ben is sad or angry or hurt or embarrassed or all of those things. But what he does know is that he’s never heard Ben being so down on himself before and it worries him.

He pulls out of Whitney’s grasp and says, “I’m not just gonna give up on him, Whit.” And then he’s leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs.

Ben has already left the house and Callum knows there will be no finding him now. He’s good at disappearing when he doesn’t want to be found. So he does the only thing he can do and reaches for his phone, sending off a message. He hopes it’s enough to bring Ben back home.

_15:09_   
_I’ll never think I’m better off without you. I’m always going to be here for you. Please come home so that we can find a way through this.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_

It’s late when Ben returns. It has long since gone midnight and the house is silent. Callum is still awake, not able to sleep from worrying about him so it’s a relief when he hears the front door open and close, the shuffling in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs and then the stamping of feet as they make their way up.

He’s home.

Callum listens to Ben’s movements expecting to hear him head into the next bedroom but instead it’s his own bedroom door that is opening and Callum sits up to see Ben stumbling in. He leans across to the lamp at the side of the bed and turns it on, squinting against the sudden brightness that floods the room. Ben looks dazed by the light too, reaching out for the wall and clumsily kicking the door closed behind him.

“Are you drunk?” Callum asks even though it’s obvious just by looking at Ben that he is.

“Don’t be mad,” Ben mumbles, rubbing at his eyes and then dragging a hand through his hair.

Shuffling out of the bed, Callum moves towards him so that he can get a better look at Ben and be on hand should he suddenly happen to lose his balance. “I’m not mad, it’s okay. How much have you had to drink?”

Ben shrugs and then turns his eyes towards him. He reaches out, taking hold of the t-shirt that Callum is wearing and Callum feels his breathing hitch at the feeling of Ben being so close.

“Don’t want us to be broken up anymore, Cal. Nothing makes sense without you.” Ben steps closer to him, a little unsteady on his feet and leans forward to press his forehead to Callum’s chest. “Can’t do this without you,” he whispers. “Just want you back.”

Callum’s heart hammers in his chest and he wonders if Ben can feel it. He wants to curl his arms around him, hold him there and not let him go again. He wants to tell Ben that he doesn’t want them to be broken up anymore either and that he wants Ben back just as much. He wants all the moments that have been lost over the last few weeks – the laughter, the whispered conversations, the teasing, the kisses.

He tugs at Ben gently and their eyes meet and it would be so easy to kiss him right now. And he wants to. He wants to kiss him and kiss him and pull him towards the bed and drag him down under the sheets. He aches for the feeling of Ben’s hands on his skin and to feel Ben beneath his own fingers. He longs to take Ben apart bit by bit, have him writhing underneath him, hot and desperate until they’re both tumbling into the abyss together, and then he wants to hold him in the afterglow as they find their way back to one another once more, as they put themselves and each other back together again.

It would be so easy and he feels the way Ben’s finger slips underneath his t-shirt and grazes gently across his skin like maybe that’s exactly what he wants too.

But they can’t. Not like this.

If Ben were sober then it would be different. If Ben were sober than Callum would grab the chance presented to them, he would listen to the voice in his head and he’d throw himself back into the depths of those waters that have surrounded he and Ben since the moment they met. If Ben were sober…..

But Ben isn’t sober and he’s not about to take advantage of him nor is he going to allow himself to believe that Ben means what he’s saying. Because for all Callum knows, Ben might forget this in the morning, forget all that he’s said and Callum isn’t willing to risk wearing his own heart on his sleeve tonight only for Ben to not remember any of it when tomorrow comes.

So he finds what is left if his own self-will and he holds Ben’s shoulders firmly when he says, “We can’t do this now. Tomorrow you might feel differently, tomorrow you might not remember any of this. Or maybe you will and you’ll remind yourself of all the reasons for us breaking up in the first place, reasons that _you_ came up with, and maybe then you’ll look back on this as being a mistake. We can’t do this now,” he repeats in an effort to reiterate his point, “and tomorrow when you’re sober you’ll know I was right.”

Ben listens to him and then he’s nodding sadly. “I wish you weren’t. Wish we could go back to the start.”

And that’s what Callum wants too and he hopes that in the morning Ben will wake up and still want the same things. But he needs to know that it’s a decision they make together when they’re both thinking clearly and right now he can't be certain that Ben is.

“We can’t go back, Ben. But we can go forwards and maybe we can create a new start.”

It’s the only hope he can offer either of them tonight and if Ben does remember this in the morning, than Callum is hopeful he’ll want to make that new start with him too. Because they can’t go back, that much he is sure of, but there’s a whole life ahead of him and he’s hopeful that with all the time in the world on their side, maybe they’ll be able to find a new forever for themselves.


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos on the last chapter :) 
> 
> When I made the initial plan for this story back in the summer, I had no idea that this chapter which is set in the run up to the festive season would be posted in the days before Christmas. I love a coincidence! 
> 
> Despite the current times that we find ourselves in, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas!
> 
> Enjoy and Merry Christmas :)

**Chapter Twenty-Eight  
  
  
  
  
**

Callum watches as the night turns to grey and the sky grows lighter. He lies in bed thinking about Ben’s words from just a few hours ago and wonders if Ben will remember them today. Unable to sleep with the thoughts running through his head, he gets out of bed and goes downstairs to make himself some coffee and breakfast. It’s still early and the rest of the house is sleeping which is probably what he should be doing too but his heart is thumping in anticipation of what the day might bring.

He thinks back to the day of the cabin as he sits on the sofa munching his way through a slice of toast. The events of that day is something he never wants to be at risk of revisiting again nor does he want to feel the way he had in the aftermath – distant and fearful of everything around him.

He thinks about Ben’s own actions that day, about the job he did for Marco, and it sends a shiver down his spine. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget about it, and he doubts Ben will either, but he knows that Ben did it to protect him, to keep him safe, and he's certain that something like that won’t happen again. As far as Callum is aware, Ben has had no contact with his family since that day, apart from the occasion when he’d claimed to go and see Phil to find out about the money for his accommodation. Ben appears to have well and truly severed all ties with the Mitchell’s now and if that’s the case then Callum thinks that they can really have a chance at a future together. A future where Ben can be who he wants to be and not the person his family expect him to be. A future where Callum doesn’t have to worry about the Mitchell’s hanging over them and the unknown of what Ben is getting up to from one day to the next. A future where they can be happy. Maybe they can even rebuild the beautiful world they had created for themselves before the summer came along and got in the way. Only this time they’ll be stronger because of all that they have faced.

The morning drags by slowly. Whitney comes to join him on the sofa after a while and then Jay and Lola are waking up too and Callum feels his anticipation growing. When Ben eventually wakes it’s already mid-afternoon and he strolls into the kitchen and slumps down into a chair at the table.

“Heavy night?” Jay asks, eyebrows furrowing as he looks towards him.

“You could say that.” Callum waits for Ben to look his way and when he does he asks, “Is there any water in that kettle?”

Callum nods. “Yeah. You want coffee?”

Ben shakes his head and then groans at the movement. “You wouldn’t make me a tea, would you?”

Callum can't help but smile at that. Ben has always liked his tea when made by Callum – it’s the only time he ever really drinks it – and so he agrees, setting about making the drink in the way he knows Ben likes it.  
  
Jay is gone by the time the kettle has boiled and it leaves the two of them alone together. Callum waits for something, for a conversation, for a look, for some acknowledgement that last night happened. He doesn’t really care which, he just wants to know where they stand now. But he doesn’t get any of those things because as soon as he passes the mug of tea over, Ben stands and leaves the room with only the quiet murmur of thanks sent his way.

Maybe he’s too hungover, Callum reasons. Maybe he’s too tired for such a conversation right now and they’ll have it later when he’s feeling more awake.

Or maybe he really has forgotten.

Callum doesn’t want it to be true. He’s spent all night waiting for this, longing for it, and the thought that Ben really might not remember what he had said is almost too much to bear.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As the day wears on, Ben still doesn’t acknowledge the previous night. He flits in and out, never staying in the same room as Callum for very long and Callum wonders if he’s merely reading into things or whether Ben is purposely avoiding him. And so, that evening when Callum finds Ben in the kitchen on his own, he takes a deep breath and decides to ask Ben outright.

Closing the door behind him gains Ben’s attention who glances up from his dinner to meet Callum’s gaze.

“Alright?” he asks casually before looking back down at his food again.

“Yeah,” Callum responds before tentatively moving towards the table and taking a seat opposite Ben. “Listen, Ben, about last night…..”

He sees the way Ben falters, the way his body tenses and it’s enough to tell Callum that Ben _does_ remember his words after all. The way he is looking at him now though doesn’t provide Callum with much hope of this going in the direction he wants it to, but he presses on anyway, determined to see this through.

“Can we talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to say,” Ben is quick to reply. “You were right just as you said you were and I never should’ve come to you like that.”

“No, it’s alright,” Callum argues. “I’m glad you did. I know you were drunk but the things you said – "

“Shouldn’t have been said,” Ben interrupts. “Just forget about it, alright? It’s for the best.”

He watches as Ben gets up from the table and puts his half-eaten dinner on the side. He wants to say something, wants to tell Ben that he doesn’t want to forget about it, but the words get lodged in his throat and all he can do is watch as Ben walks out of the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He’d said that it was for the best.

_“It’s for the best,”_ he’d said.

Callum has thought about this though. He’s spent the last few weeks thinking about what they’ve been doing, thinking about what’s right, thinking about their reasons for breaking up and he’s come to realise that none of it is for the best at all.

He had thought the only option available to them was to be apart even if it meant that neither of them were happy. But where had been the sense in that? Then life had settled down and he had thought that getting back together would complicate things again. But things are complicated as it is anyway, aren’t they? Now, he’s got that lingering voice in his head again which is telling him to follow his heart, telling him to forget about everything that has gone before, telling him to grab hold of the relationship that they once had and all the potential that remains and not let it go again – to love with wild abandon and in spite of all the risks.

Only now Ben is telling him no. Now Ben is the one to stand in their way and he's saying that it’s for the best. Like being apart could ever be for the best! Callum had been a fool to ever believe it and Ben is a fool to believe it now.

But what can he say? Ben has told him to forget about his drunken declarations and it’s clear that he has every intention of forgetting about them himself so what more can Callum do?

In the days that follow, Ben continues to avoid him and it makes Callum miss him even more than he already had been. The semester comes to an end in preparation for Christmas which is only a few weeks away and that means that Callum is barely seeing him at all. To say they live in the same house, Ben very rarely seems to be around, sleeping throughout the day and going out at night. On the rare occasion when they do talk it’s merely the odd comment such as Ben asking him to pass him the milk or the remote or other trivial things. He staples the word ‘mate’ onto the end of everything he says too, almost like he’s trying to drive it home to both Callum and himself that that’s what they are. It’s irritating and Callum finds himself getting increasingly annoyed with it.

He knows that Ben loves him, that he’s sure of, and he knows that Ben too has never wanted it to be like this, but he also knows now that Ben isn’t willing to even consider the two of them getting back together. The voice in his head keeps telling him to fight and he wants to. He wants to fight for a future he can envision for the two of them, but how can he do that when Ben doesn’t want to be fought for?

Callum finds himself feeling dismayed over the corner that they have somehow backed themselves into and he’s annoyed at Ben for being the one to stand in the way of their happiness. But more than that, he’s worried. Ben seems to be drinking more, going out and returning home drunk every night of the week now. Callum always hears him stumble home late and hears the sound of him crashing down onto the bed at the other side of the wall.

“We have to do something about this,” Jay comments after Ben’s fourth night out in a row. “He’s got himself into some kind of downward spiral and if he keeps on like this he’s gonna be out of a job. My boss is already pissed off with him for not turning up for his shifts these last couple of days. Mind you, that’s no bad thing because the day before that when he did turn up, he was so hungover that he was no use to anyone.”

“How’s he got the money for this anyway?” Lola asks, annoyance spreading across her face. “If he can’t pay the rent then he can hardly afford to be frittering away money on booze. I just don’t get it!”

Callum sighs and rubs a hand across his face. The thought of Ben’s financial situation has stayed with him and now that Ben is avoiding him, Callum knows that it’s impossible to be there for him in the way that he wants to be.

“Can’t you speak to him, Callum?” Jay asks, turning to look at him.

“I would if I could pin him down for five minutes but he’s going out of his way to avoid me. He won’t speak to me.” It hurts to say it because out of everybody, Callum has always been the one that Ben has opened up to. It’s been something that Callum has never taken for granted, always glad to have Ben’s trust when it comes to seeing him at his most vulnerable. And now Ben won’t even speak to him at all. About anything.

“Well, he’s upstairs now,” Lola tells him. “There’s not going to be a better time than when he’s lying in his pit.”

Callum knows that Ben is most likely sleeping despite it being late afternoon but he thinks that Lola may have a point. If he tries to talk to Ben now then he probably won’t be happy about being woken up but he’s likely to bite anyone’s head off who tries to talk to him anyway so Callum doesn’t think he has anything to lose. This way, Ben will either have to listen to him or come downstairs and be faced with both Lola and Jay. Looking at the two of them, Callum knows which option he’d prefer if the situation were reversed.

“Okay,” he nods. “I’ll give it a go. Wish me luck!”

He’s probably going to need it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum knocks on Ben’s bedroom door when he reaches the upstairs landing and it’s no surprise when he receives silence in return. Pushing the door open, he peers through the gap to see a sleeping Ben sprawled on his front, leg sticking out of the duvet and an arm tucked under the pillow which he’s holding onto tightly. Callum tries to ignore that it’s what was once his own side of the bed that Ben is turned towards and steps carefully over to him.

“Ben,” he whispers, gaining no rise from the man. “Ben,” he tries again a little louder, this time putting a hand on Ben’s arm and gently shaking him.

Ben groans, shifting a little and Callum shakes him again to try and get his attention. When his eyes peep open, Ben smiles softly but it's quick to turn into a frown.

“What are you doing?” Ben asks, voice rough from sleep. It’s something Callum hasn’t realised he’s missed until now.

“I need to talk to you,” he responds, stepping back a little to allow Ben to get his bearings.

“Can’t it wait? I’m sleeping.”

Ben presses his face back into the pillow and closes his eyes again but Callum perseveres.

“No, it’s waited long enough and I can’t stand by and watch you hit self-destruct anymore.”

Ben’s head pops up at that, opening his eyes again to look Callum’s way. The lines on his forehead crease and his eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Self-destruct? What are you on about? You know our psychology lectures are over for Christmas, right?”

Callum brushes the question aside. “I want to help you, Ben.”

“So let me go back to sleep.”

“Drinking isn’t the answer, okay?” he says, getting straight to the point of why he came up here. Ben sits up, frustration appearing on his face but he’s listening so Callum continues. “It’s not going to solve your problems. If anything, you’re just making more for yourself by drinking all your money away.”

“Oh, what, the very little money I have left you mean?” Ben snaps suddenly. “I’m not your case study, Callum!”

Anything that Callum might have said dies on his lips and he stares at Ben who seems surprised by his tone himself. He sighs and climbs out of the bed and Callum does his best to keep his eyes on Ben’s face because this is important and he can’t allow himself to be distracted but it isn’t easy when Ben is standing in front of him in just his boxers. Callum supposes that he should at least be thankful that Ben is wearing those otherwise he’d lose all resolve and now isn’t the time for anything untoward.

Ben doesn’t seem to notice the effect he’s having though, or if he does than he doesn’t act on it. But then why would he? It’s not like they’re together anymore. He’s made it perfectly clear that they’re not going back there again.

“I just don’t see the point anymore,” he says, sounding resigned now, and somehow that’s so much worse. There’s a quiet acceptance in his words, the panic Callum has witnessed from him before gone now. “I’m dropping out of uni. I’ll be out of the way by Christmas; I just need to sort it out with the faculty and then I’ll be gone.”

Callum stares at him, watching as he moves around the room to pull some clothes out of the drawer. How can he be so calm about this?

“You – You can’t do that,” he stutters, in shock at Ben’s announcement. “You can’t just go.”

“What choice do I have, eh?”

“You can – I don’t know, we can go to the finance office. They can help you look into your options. I’ve been looking stuff up online and there’s things you can do. You can’t just drop out, Ben!”

Ben turns to face him. He looks tired and Callum knows it’s not just from being woken up in the middle of his sleep.

“I’m over it, Callum,” he shrugs. “I was stupid to believe I could ever do something like university. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m off for a shower.”

Moving passed him, Ben walks out of the bedroom and a moment later Callum hears the bathroom door closing, the lock being slid into place. He contemplates waiting for Ben to come out again but it feels pointless. Ben has made is decision and Callum doesn’t know how to make him see that it’s the wrong one.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s killing him to see Ben this way. Callum feels like he’s hit a brick wall. He sits in his bedroom and listens to the sound of the shower running at the end of the hallway and thinks about what this house will be like without Ben in it. It just wouldn’t be the same. Ben has always got excellent marks on their assignments – he’s one of those infuriating people where no matter how often he turns up to his lectures or how much attention he pays, he always ends up doing better than everyone else. It’s one of the reasons why Ben can’t drop out. He has too much potential to let it go to waste. And if he drops out then what will he do instead? Continue to drink until he has no money at all and end up sleeping on friends sofa’s? Or worse, go back to his family and have to do something dreadful in order to show his commitment to them once again?

No. Callum can’t let that happen.

Of course, the other reason why Ben can’t drop out is that Callum would miss him too much. Even when Ben is avoiding him and they are barely seeing or speaking to one another, at least he’s still around. If Ben were to drop out then Callum wouldn’t see him at all. Ben could disappear out of his life and he might not see him ever again.

He lets out a raspy breath and feels like he’s choking when he breathes back in, unable to get air to his lungs. Ben can’t leave. He _can’t_. Callum has to stop it.

Getting to his feet, he leaves the bedroom and makes his way along the hallway and down the stairs. He finds Jay, Lola and Whitney still in the kitchen and the conversation about Ben is seemingly still ongoing.

Jay stops when he sees him and then asks, “Any luck?”

Callum shakes his head. “I tried. He wouldn’t listen. He wants to drop out, Jay. He thinks there’s no point anymore and I don’t know how to change his mind. Will you talk to him?”

“If he’s not listening to you, what makes you think he’s going to listen to me?”

It’s unlikely that Ben will listen to anyone right now but they have to try. They _all_ have to try. Only then will Callum be sure that they’ve done everything they can.

“I don’t know, but he can’t keep going on like this. You have to help me keep him here. I don’t know what else to do.”

“At risk of offering an unpopular opinion here,” Whitney starts, tapping her fingers on the table and biting her lip in thought, “if he wants to drop out then you might have to let him. He’s been doing it tough for months now. Maybe dropping out is what he needs.”

Callum blinks at her, not able to believe what he’s hearing. It isn’t what Ben needs at all. It’s not what Ben wants. He’s doing this because he feels like he’s being a burden to everyone and because he feels like it’s the only choice he has. It’s just like how he’s spent his whole life trying to please his family and not breaking away from them because he felt like there was no other choice there either. Callum had helped him to see that there are always choices, there’s always a way, and he’s determined to help him to see it again now.

Thankfully, Lola seems to agree that dropping out of university isn’t the answer for Ben.

“I don’t think that’ll do him any good,” she says. “He shouldn’t have to drop out just because of whatever’s going on in his head. I know I get frustrated with him for not being able to pay the rent but that doesn’t mean I want to see him leave or get thrown out.”

Callum smiles at that. He had been thinking that everyone had started to give up on Ben.

“Of course, it would help to know exactly what’s been going on with him,” Lola points out. “Figure out why he’s in this mess.”

His smile fades then and he turns his eyes to Jay who is nodding in agreement. He looks towards Whitney then who is looking back at him expectantly.

Behind him comes the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs and he turns to see Ben putting his key in the front door at the end of the hallway.

“Where are you going?” Lola calls out to him.

“Out.”

And then he’s leaving the house, the door closing behind him. Callum looks back towards the group in front of him, all eyes now on him.

“You know he’s probably going out drinking, don’t you?” Jay says and Callum closes his eyes and sighs.

“Just tell us what you know, Callum,” Lola urges.

He opens his eyes to look at them. He has spent so long respecting Ben’s wishes not to say anything to them about his family but Callum is running out of ways to help Ben himself. They have to know and it’s become clear that Ben is unlikely to ever tell them himself and he’s not getting any closer to solving his own problems, instead creating new ones for himself now. Callum can’t watch Ben’s life collapse around him any longer.

So he tells them. He tells them all the things he can anyway. He tells them about how Ben had walked away from his family during the summer, about how angry Phil had been because of it, about how walking away is not something a Mitchell ever does. He tells them about how Ben had believed he would never be able to break away from them and have his own life, how brave he was to do it anyway, and how he’s now lost all financial support he had and that’s why he can’t pay the rent.

“His tuition fees went through before Ben’s dad had chance to do anything about it so that’s not a problem but his dad always used to pay money for food and our accommodation and everything else directly into Ben’s bank account. And he’s so angry about Ben walking away that he’s refusing to give him another penny. Before we got the keys for this place, Ben was having to live in some cabin in the middle of nowhere just so he had a roof over his head.”

He purposely avoids giving details of the cabin and doesn’t tell them about Ben’s need to hide away from the Mitchell’s because of the danger he was in. He doesn’t tell them about how much danger he himself has been in either. They don’t need to know everything.

“How can someone do that to their own son?” Whitney questions, looking shocked. “Surely he’d want Ben to be happy. Why would he leave Ben on his own like that?”

“I wondered the same thing too once,” Callum tells her. “But loyalty is everything in that family. There’s so much control there and if you’re not with them, doing the things they want you to do or acting the way they want you to act, then that means you’re against them. Ben decided he didn’t want that life anymore. He didn’t want to do the things that his dad expected of him.” He pauses before adding, “It doesn’t matter who Ben is, or who he was, because the moment he walked away he became nothing to them.”

There’s silence that follows and then Lola murmurs, “Why didn’t he say anything?” Her eyes are glistening with tears. Callum has never seen her upset before, not about anything, but she looks so sad now.  
  
“It’ll be his pride, won’t it?” Jay responds, nodding his head to himself as though he’s putting all of the pieces together.

“I kept telling him he had to talk to you all, or talk to _someone_ , but he wouldn’t. He doesn’t like to be the one needing help and he definitely doesn’t like to ask for it. I probably shouldn’t be telling you either but – "

“No, you did the right thing, Callum” Lola says, her voice becoming firmer now and she sits up straighter in her chair. “And now we’re going to get him out of this hole he’s in.”

“But how?”

She looks closely at them all, her eyes moving slowly from Jay, to Whitney, to Callum and then back again. “I think it’s time we stage an intervention. But it’s going to take all of us. You in?”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben returns home a couple of hours later. It’s dark outside but Callum spots him making his way down the street just in time to gather everyone into the living room before he walks through the door. Lola and Jay settle themselves onto the sofa and Whitney steps into the far corner of the room, having agreed to let them take the lead. Jay and Lola are a force to be reckoned with and Callum doesn’t think he’d like to come up against them. He perches on the arm of the sofa, close enough to the doorway so that he can block the way if Ben decides to make an escape attempt.

They’re ready for him.

A key turns in the lock and the front door opens, the sound of traffic from the main road filtering in before it’s silenced again by the closing of the door.

“So what’s the emergency? It’d better be good!” Callum hears Ben shout out in the hallway. A moment later, he’s walking into the living room, stopping abruptly when he sees everyone. His eyes land on Callum first and then he looks at Jay. “What’s going on?”

“We needed to get you back here, mate. We need to talk.”

“You told me there was an emergency!” Ben fumes, throwing his arms up in annoyance and turning to walk out again but Callum stands, stepping in front of him to stop him. He hadn’t expected Ben to try and leave _this_ soon.

Jay is there then, taking hold of Ben by the shoulders and manoeuvring him towards the armchair and sitting him down.

“This is an emergency,” he says, raising his eyebrows as if expecting Ben to challenge him. Ben huffs loudly, and it’s clear that he’s angry from being caught in a trap but he says nothing.

Callum perches back on the arm of the sofa when he’s sure Ben is staying and Jay returns to his place on the sofa.

“Well?” Ben snaps. “I’m waiting!”

“Right,” Jay starts. “Callum here tells us that you want to drop out of uni and that’s just not happening.”

“Says who?”

“Look, we want to help you, alright? And I get you won’t want us to help but we’re not offering – we're telling you that this is the way it’s going to be. And if you don’t like it then that’s tough.”

Ben shakes his head and sighs. “I can’t pay the rent, Jay. I couldn’t pay you back the other month, I couldn’t pay Callum back, so what’s the point in being here if I can’t afford to be. Not even getting a job has made a difference. What you said that day about how you might end up losing this place if I don’t cough up, well it’s true, isn’t it? It’s better if I just go.”

“No, it’s not,” Whitney says, speaking up from the corner of the room she has been standing in.

Ben looks surprised and Callum can understand why. He never thought he would see the day that Whitney told Ben not to go anywhere.

She motions in Callum’s direction and adds, “That boy over there loves the bones of you.” Ben’s eyes flick over to him. “It’ll kill him if you go.”

Callum locks his eyes on Ben’s, finding it impossible to look away. He does love Ben, loves him more than anything and even though Ben already knows that, having someone else say it carries a different impact.

“Please, Ben,” Callum appeals to him, needing Ben to listen to them; to listen to him.

Ben remains silent but Callum can see the emotion in his eyes as they continue to hold each other’s gaze.

“Look, it’s going to be hard but it’s not impossible,” Jay says, gaining Ben’s attention again. “Go to your shifts in the SU, get yourself to the finance office to see what your options are, and in the meantime we’re all going to club together to cover your rent until you can do it yourself. We’ll each put a bit in and keep things afloat. What d’you say?”

Ben shakes his head. “But – but what if I can’t pay you back?”

“You don’t have to. But it can't be a long term thing. We’ve agreed to do this as long as you agree to put in the same effort. We all want you to be here. And what would I do without my best mate, eh? Who would I thrash at _Fifa_?”

Ben laughs a little at Jay’s attempt at lifting the mood. There’s tears in his eyes and he looks both confused and touched by Jay’s words to him.

Lola is standing then, moving across the room towards where Ben is sitting on the armchair. Crouching down in front of him, she places a hand on his arm. “We’re here for you, Ben. Like it or not, you’re our friend and we care about you.”

He smiles a little at that and then looks up to Callum again and Callum thinks that he’s not above begging if that’s what it’s going to take but then Ben is nodding and, keeping his eyes on Callum still, he nods. “Okay,” he says. “Okay, I’ll stay.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They end up decorating the house for Christmas that evening. Lola says that it will bring some cheer and much needed light relief for them all. Ben apologises for being the cause of the dull mood but Lola merely waves him off, telling him to help her bring all the decorations down to the living room which she’s been storing away since last year when they had been in the flat.

Callum feels happier than he has in ages and even though he’s still worried about Ben, he’s just so relieved that Ben has agreed to stay. As long as Ben is here than everything else will sort itself out, he’s sure of it. Lola’s idea of an intervention hasn’t just helped Ben, but Callum thinks that it’s helped him too. They might not be in a relationship right now but the way Ben had looked at him earlier had given him hope. He’d felt closer to Ben again, felt like so many things were being said between them every time their eyes had met.

_I’m with you._

_It’s you and me._

_Please stay._

And Ben had agreed to stay, hadn’t he? Perhaps he had understood everything else that Callum’s eyes were telling him too.

Ben is in charge of putting up the Christmas tree this year. Callum watches him as he rummages through the bags of decorations, pulling out fairy lights and tinsel and boxes of baubles. Wham’s _‘Last Christmas’_ is playing out throughout the living room and Ben throws a strand of tinsel around his neck as he dances over to the tree.

The song takes Callum back to the day they had decorated the flat last year. Ben had been singing this same song then just as he is doing now only back then it had been quieter and Callum had been mesmerised by the sound of his voice. That had been the day he’d seen the first of Ben’s many layers peeling away and he’d found himself eager to peel away more.

And he had. Ben had allowed himself to be discovered and Callum had fallen in love with what he had seen. He’s certain that he’s still falling in love with Ben every day, over and over again, a little more with each new day that passes. He never wants to stop.

“ _Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away,_ ” Ben sings, spinning back towards the bags of decorations.

Callum listens to the words and thinks about the irony of the song. Last Christmas, without either of them knowing it at the time, Ben had given him his heart. Only Callum hasn’t given it away. He’s still got it, still holding onto it tightly even though it’s no longer his to have anymore. And Ben has his heart in return and Callum knows that no matter what happens between them, no matter where they end up, together or apart, Ben always will.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s later on in the evening when Callum overhears the conversation. He has just finished sticking up a string of lights around the window when he turns to find that it’s just he, Lola and Jay still in the living room. Whitney had left the room a little while ago to make hot chocolate for everyone and Ben had left shortly afterwards to go and connect his phone to his charger upstairs. Callum is surprised that he hasn’t returned yet and wonders where he is. He knows that Ben’s problems haven’t gone away but Ben has seemed happier and lighter since he’d been convinced to stay a few hours ago. Callum doesn’t want to think that it has all been a front and that Ben is planning on still going on a night out drinking as he has been doing every other night.

“I’m just going to go help Whit with the hot chocolates,” he says, making an excuse to leave so as not to worry them unnecessarily.

He steps out of the living room and is about to head upstairs in search of Ben when he hears his voice coming from inside the kitchen. He moves towards it but stops when he sees Whitney through the gap in the door which has been left ajar. He shouldn’t listen but in all the time they have been at university, the only time he’s ever witnessed Whitney and Ben talking to each other is when they’ve been taking part in group conversation or when Callum has been the buffer for them. Seeing them on their own now and easily chatting with each other is intriguing and Callum finds himself stepping back into the darkness of the hallway and listening in even though he knows he shouldn’t.

“I haven’t had hot chocolate in years,” Ben says. “Not since I was a kid I don’t think.”

“It’s a shame we don’t have any Baileys in the house. There’s nothing like a hot chocolate with a shot of Baileys in it to really get into the Christmas spirit. You want marshmallows?”

“Please.”

They fall quiet and Callum listens to the rustling of the bag of marshmallows and he thinks that’s the conversation over with. But then Ben is clearing his throat and speaking again.

“Listen, uh, thanks for what you said earlier. You know – about me staying.” Callum hears the uncertainty in his voice and doesn’t need to see him to know that Ben is probably shuffling awkwardly on his feet.

“Well, I meant it. He’d be lost without you.”

There’s silence again for a moment before Ben says, “I’m guessing he told you all then?”

“He told us you walked away from your family, yeah. And that that’s the reason you’re in this mess. I know there’s probably more to it but, whatever went on, that stays between you two. He loves you.” She pauses and then adds, “Besides, you should’ve told us sooner. We could’ve been there for you.”

Ben huffs out a laugh. “Careful, Whit! You almost sound like you care!” There’s a fondness in his tone that makes Callum smile.

“Yeah, well, I don’t hate you, Ben. Seeing the way you are with Callum, seeing how much you love him – you’re a good person. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye and I’ll admit to questioning your intentions when Callum first told me about the two of you, but I was wrong, alright? You’re one of the good guys, Ben. You shouldn’t be punished for walking away from your family.”

Callum feels his heart swell at hearing Whitney’s words. To know that the two people who he has so much love for can finally put their differences aside fills him with so much happiness. It’s something he had always hoped for but never expected to see.

“Think I’m being punished in a lot of ways to be honest,” Ben says. He suddenly comes into view as he takes the milk back to the fridge and Callum watches him through the gap in the door as he puts the carton inside.

“Do you think there’s still a chance for you two?” Whitney asks.

Ben closes the fridge and turns to look at her. There’s a sad expression on his face and Callum dreads the answer.

“I don’t know,” Ben shrugs. “I think I had my chance a couple of weeks ago and I stuffed it up. Pushed it away. I don’t know if I’ll get another one.”

Callum thinks about the night Ben had stumbled into his room and told him he wanted them to be together again. He thinks about how Ben had told him it was a mistake the following day and gone out of his way to avoid him ever since. But he hasn’t stuffed it up. There’s always a chance. There always will be as far as Callum is concerned and tonight has offered him renewed hope.

“Maybe one day,” Whitney tells him.

Ben looks to the floor, a small smile appearing on his face. “Yeah. Maybe one day.”

Callum has never doubted how Ben feels but hearing him say those words gives him confirmation that Ben too has hope for their future. And if there’s hope then they have everything, don’t they?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The evening is dying down now. Hot chocolates have been drank and the soft melody of _‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’_ is playing quietly in the background. The room is fully decorated apart from the lights on the Christmas tree which still have to be turned on and Ben adds the finishing touches by placing a star at the very top. Callum notices the way he has to stand on his tip-toes in order to reach and laughs quietly to himself. He loves this man.

Jay and Lola are curled up together on the sofa. Jay is holding his phone aloft, taking photos of the two of them, and Lola giggles when she views them, softly murmuring as she tells him which ones to delete and which ones she wants sending to her.

The sound of Whitney’s laughter travels down the hallway. She’s on the phone to Matt, the guy who had asked to buy her a drink on their night out last month. Callum hasn’t met him properly yet but Whitney says that things are going well. They’re still getting to know each other but the smile on her face whenever she receives a text message from him says that she’s very happy and Callum thinks it could be the start of something special for her.  
  


_‘From now on our troubles will be out of sight.’  
  
_

Callum focuses back on Ben who is straightening the star at the top of the tree, his own troubles seemingly miles away for the moment. Approaching the Christmas tree, Callum stops next to Ben who turns to look up at him and smiles. He smiles back, his heart beating wildly in his chest and he looks down to Ben’s hand and thinks about lacing their fingers together.

He’s just about to, his fingers twitching towards Ben’s when Ben says, “Do you want to do the honours?”

“What?” Callum asks, feeling confused.

“The lights,” Ben replies, motioning towards where the switch is and Callum realises that Ben has mistaken his line of sight. “Do you want to turn them on?”

He nods. “Uh, sure.” He glances back towards Ben’s hand for a brief second before crouching to the floor to turn the fairy lights on. When he stands, the tree is sparkling and it looks beautiful but it’s nothing compared to the way Ben looks standing beside it. He’s gazing at the tree in wonder, a childlike expression on his face and the lights softly illuminate his skin and make his eyes appear warm and bright.  
  


_‘Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow…..’  
  
_

And Callum hopes that they _will_ have years together – many of them. He pictures the two of them a few years from now putting up Christmas decorations in a house of their own. He pictures them in the years after that and imagines a family surrounding them, a family that they have created and built, one that’s theirs if that’s something Ben would ever want. And he imagines them many years after that, the two of them old and grey, Ben still singing along to the same Christmas songs. Maybe he would take Ben’s hand in his and they would dance together in the warm glow of the twingling Christmas lights having lived a long life of fulfilment and happiness.

He imagines so much. He imagines it all.

And it may be that he’s too young to be thinking about spending his life with someone, but he knows beyond a doubt that it’s what he wants, more than anything else he could ever wish for. Who cares how old he is? He could be nineteen, forty-nine, or eighty-nine and he would still know that it was Ben who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It wouldn't matter how old, Callum is sure he would find Ben no matter what; he’s just lucky that in this lifetime he’s been able to meet him so soon when they both have so much to look forward to.

“It’s beautiful,” Ben whispers, still looking at the tree.

“Yeah, it is,” Callum agrees but he’s not talking about the Christmas tree.

Ben’s gaze meets his and there’s a soft smile on his face that seems to grow when he realises that Callum has been looking at him this entire time. Neither of them needs to say anything though. Callum knows that Ben is on the same page as he is.

_I love you._

And he knows now that he’s going to get Ben back. It’s no longer a matter of _if_ but _when_. They’re going to be together again. They’re going to be happy.

One day.

One day very soon.  
  


_‘And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.’_


	29. Chapter Twenty-Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is later than usual but I really hope that it is worth the wait. This is the last chaper and when I started writing this back in the summer, I never could have imagined that it would end up being so long or that I could have had so many ideas for the boys in this universe. I'm sad to leave them but there's still lots of things I want to explore with them so whilst I won't promise a sequel, I certainly have plots in mind for the two of them and I've left a few strands in this fic loose in case a follow up ever comes along. For now though, I'm going to take a short break from writing, at least until I have a bit more time to focus on it as much as I would like to. So until my next story, whatever that may be, you can find me at always-just-jade.tumblr.com if you want to come and chat :)
> 
> To everyone who has ever commented on this fic, thank you. Without such comments, this wouldn't have become what it has and I love every single person who very kindly takes the time to leave feedback. The overall story is what it is because of you and you have helped me get better in my own story telling and that's honestly a gift to someone who enjoys writing like I do.
> 
> And to everyone who has read or left kudos on this or anything else I have written this year, thank you to you too. For many reasons, this year has been the toughest of my life and I started writing as a means to keep my mind focused and busy. Writing has been a lifeline for me but the support and love you have all shown towards me is something I'll never be able to put into words. Thank you doesn't do it justice and will never be enough. I really do appreciate every single one of you for what you have done for me - thank you so very much. 
> 
> I'm wishing you all a very happy new year! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Chapter Twenty-Nine  
  
  
  
  
**

Trying to get Ben on his own long enough to have a conversation about their relationship proves to be a lot harder than Callum thought it would be. Every time he tries, there’s always something that gets in the way. Whether it’s someone walking in, or a phone call or the pan boiling over causing Ben to go into panic mode (although, Callum will admit that at least that was funny to watch), there’s always something.

And so, as they grow nearer to Christmas, it almost feels like fate when everyone announces their plans for how they’re going to spend the few days. Jay, Lola and Whitney are all returning home for the festive period to spend it with their families. It’s not surprising really and Callum had expected it but it isn’t until they’re all talking about it that he realises that Ben hasn’t got his own family to go to. He’s been planning to return home himself for Christmas more out of habit than anything else and he’s been quietly dreading it for weeks. But he doesn’t want Stuart to be on his own in the house with only their dad for company so feels it's only right that he returns home, no matter how much he doesn't want to.

Only, when he realises that Ben hasn't got family of his own to spend Christmas with, the thought of Ben being on his own this year makes his heart ache. 

He spends several days mulling over this and he can't imagine leaving either of them on their own. 

Thankfully, or maybe miraculously, fate seems to step in again when Stuart calls him a week before Christmas.

“So how’s that whole uni thing going then? You finished for Christmas now have you?” Stuart asks brightly.

“Yeah, semester finished a couple of weeks ago. What about you? Are you….?” He trails off, unsure what to ask. He isn’t sure what Stuart is doing with his life right now.

Stuart doesn’t notice his hesitancy though. In fact, he sounds nervous when he responds.

“Uh, yeah. That’s why I’m calling actually.” There’s a long pause and Callum waits, wondering what the matter is. “The thing is, Zara’s asked me to go over there for Christmas this year and, well, her mum says it’s alright so……I don’t know. What d’you think?”

“Zara?”

“Yeah! I didn’t wanna say anything in case it didn’t work out but I took your advice and got in touch with her. She’s great. You should see her now, Callum.”

He can hear the smile in Stuart’s words and it makes him smile as well. Stuart has finally done it – he’s finally stepped up. Callum remembers telling him to reach out to Zara on the day he had moved out to start university. That was a year and four months ago now and Callum had believed that Stuart simply hadn’t listened to him. But apparently he had and now Zara has invited him for Christmas and there’s no question about it – he has to go.

“She really wants me there,” Stuart continues, “but I know it’s usually just the two of us and – I won’t go if you need me at home.”

Callum is shaking his head before Stuart even reaches the end of his sentence.

“You don’t have to ask my permission, Stu. You should go,” he insists.

“You sure? I’d invite you along but I don’t want it to be too much for Zara, you know? But I don’t want you be on your own here with Dad passed out in front of the tele either.”

Callum thinks back to all the Christmases when he had been on his own. The years when Stuart wasn’t around for one reason or another. He thinks about his dad and how drunk he often got, how cruel, how violent and he thinks about how it would be this year if he were to go back – just him and his dad in the house once again.

Only it isn’t going to be like that this year, not now he knows that Stuart isn’t going to be there. He has no reason to go home, does he? It isn’t his home anymore. His home is right here in this house. His home is with Ben.

“I won’t be on my own,” he says, already picturing he and Ben alone in this house with nothing but each other.

“The Carters, yeah,” Stuart comments. “Well, I’m glad you’ve got them.”

And Callum nods in agreement because Stuart isn’t entirely wrong in his assumption – he will spend some of Christmas with them. It’s just not where he’ll spend the majority of it.

He could tell Stuart about Ben now, he could tell him about being gay, but both would likely cause chaos and Callum doesn’t know which of the two would anger Stuart the most. 

It occurs to him then that he doesn’t care about Stuart’s opinion, or his dad’s, or anyone else’s for that matter. He doesn’t need their acceptance or understanding, and in realising that he feels a weight lifted from his shoulders, a weight that has been bearing down on him for so long, and he laughs, unable to contain it.

“What?” Stuart asks.

But Callum can’t stop laughing, suddenly so full of joy. He’s gay and he’s in love with Ben Mitchell and he no longer cares who knows it.

“What’s so funny?” Stuart asks again.

“Nothing, nothing,” Callum tells him, wiping at his eyes and trying to get his breath back. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

“Course I do! And I love you as well, you nutter! What’s going on? Why've you gone so soft on me?”

Callum shakes his head. “It can wait. But I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a really good new year. Have a good one, Stu!”

When he hangs up the phone, he’s smiling so widely that his cheeks hurt. He feels so _free_.

This Christmas their dad is going to be alone as he always should have been. This Christmas Stuart is going to spend time with his daughter and hopefully build a relationship with her again. This Christmas Callum is going to get Ben back and start to make a life for himself. He’s going to be happy.

And next year he’s going to tell Stuart all about Ben and he isn’t going to be afraid. He’s going to stand proudly with Ben by his side and if Stuart can’t accept him then it won’t matter because he no longer needs that acceptance. All he needs is Ben and as long as he has him, Callum thinks he can face anything.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So, uh, Stuart called,” Callum says the following day as he joins Ben on the sofa in preparation for their movie night. It had been Whitney’s suggestion who thought it would be nice for them all to get together for one last time before Christmas.

Ben picks out a piece of popcorn from the bag in his hand and unceremoniously throws it up in the air and tries to catch it in his mouth. He misses, the popcorn hitting him on the nose and falling into his lap.

“Oh, yeah?” he asks as he finds the popcorn and tries again. This time he catches it and looks immediately proud of himself for it.

“Yeah, he’s uh, he’s going to spend Christmas with his daughter,” Callum starts to explain but he doesn’t get very far before Jay is interrupting.

“Here, Ben! Throw me some of that!”

Ben looks across to where Jay is sitting on the armchair and reaches for a handful of popcorn.

“One at a time!” Jay exclaims, opening his mouth in preparation.

Ben laughs and throws a piece of popcorn over to Jay who catches it in his mouth first time.

“Oh! Did you see that?” he cheers. “And again, and again!”

“I think I’d rather have the bag then have popcorn chucked at me,” Lola comments, walking into the room and sitting down in Jay’s lap before producing her own bag of popcorn.

Ben turns away from them, the game seemingly over, and looks to Callum once more.

“I didn’t know your brother had a daughter. Does that make you _Uncle Callum_?” he teases.

“Hardly. She’s not that much younger than me and I haven’t seen her since she was really little.” He glances towards Lola and Jay to make sure there’s going to be no further interruption and when he sees that they’re preoccupied with the bag of popcorn, he continues. “Anyway, he’s going over there so I thought rather than going home I could just spend Christmas here instead.”

“Oh!” he responds in surprise before pausing in thought. He seems to realise what it means if Callum stays then and his eyebrows raise. “ _Oh!_ So it’s going to be the two of us for Christmas this year, is it?”

Callum nods, watching carefully for any sign that Ben doesn't like the idea. “If that’s okay?”

A slow smile works its way onto his face when he murmurs, “It’s okay.”

Callum grins, unable to contain it and it isn’t until Whitney walks into the room a few moments later, gleefully telling them all that she’s managed to find the DVD, that he and Ben finally look away from one another.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Whitney leaves to return home to her family three days before Christmas and the following day Jay and Lola are leaving too, agreeing to go as far of their journeys together as they can before they have to part. Callum and Ben stand in the hallway with them exchanging hugs and wishing each other a merry Christmas and then they’re turning and opening the front door.

“Stay safe, kids!” Jay teases as he picks up his bag from the floor.

Lola looks at Callum and says, “Don’t let Ben burn the house down, okay? And don’t let him turn the place into a rubbish tip. Oh, and don’t let him flood the bathroom again.”

“That was one time!” Ben cries out and Callum chuckles, remembering the incident that had occurred in their first week of living here with fondness. “Anyway, why’s this all directed at me? What about Callum?”

Lola laughs. “I trust Callum. He’s a perfect little angel,” she replies sweetly with the intention of teasing Ben some more.

Ben scoffs out that. “Yeah, right! That’s what he likes to have to believe but I can tell you that behind closed doors – "

“Alright, Ben! I think we’d best be going now,” Jay interjects, turning swiftly and ushering Lola through the door.

Callum stares at Ben wide-eyed. This is the first time since their break up that Ben has bordered on bringing up their sex life and joking about their relationship and it feels like they’ve broken through some kind of barrier. There was once a time when Callum would have grown embarrassed and red-faced about those kind of comments but he's almost happy to hear Ben say them now, feeling like they've taken several steps forward.

“What?” Ben shrugs, noticing the expression on his face.

A puff of laughter escapes him and Callum can’t explain why. All he knows is that he can’t wait to spend these next few days with Ben, to laugh with him, to joke, to have that conversation that he’s been waiting to have for weeks now and for them to finally get back together again.

“Have fun, you two!” Lola shouts out to them and Callum manages to catch the wink she gives them just before the door closes and she and Jay are gone.

“I guess it’s just you and me then,” Ben says, and Callum sees a small smile on his face which he returns.

“I guess it is.”

And it is. Anything can happen now. Callum fully intends it to.

But before any of that, there’s something he wants to do first.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’m really not sure about this, Callum.”

“I know but we all agreed, didn't we? And you’ll feel so much better for it afterwards.”

“Will I?” Ben asks, sounding dubious but continuing to trudge forwards anyway.

Callum nods, nudging him along a little. “Yes. Don’t you just wanna get it out of the way?”

Ben sighs and says nothing but Callum knows he agrees even if he’s unwilling to admit it. He’s just nervous.

They’re walking through the university campus, Callum having insisted on them coming here an hour ago. It’s late afternoon now and if they don’t hurry then they’ll miss their chance. The campus is eerily quiet, not another person in sight and it feels different to the times he had ventured out of the flat for an early morning walk or run. Now it’s like a ghost town, the only people on site being any first year students who have chosen to stay for the holidays and a few members of staff who are required to still be here. But it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and Callum knows that the finance office will be closed and if Ben wants to get this sorted out by Christmas then his only chance is now.

“What if there’s nothing they can do?” Ben wonders aloud as they approach the building. “What if they say I’m screwed?”

“They’re not going to say that,” Callum reassures.

“They won’t say it like that but what if – what if they can’t help?”

Callum stops them and turns to him. “Then we’ll deal with it. Whatever happens, you’re not on your own.” He holds out a hand before he has chance to realise what he’s doing. Ben looks down at it and seems to hesitate and then he takes hold of it gently and Callum feels a surge of warmth rush through him. The feel of Ben’s touch on his skin, the feel of Ben’s hand in his – it’s everything he remembers it to be. It’s like new life is being breathed back into him again.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Ben nods decisively and then they’re stepping forwards together, hand in hand as they make their way towards the finance office no matter what outcome it brings.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The trip to the finance office ends up being a success. The staff are very helpful as Callum had expected them to be and Ben is sent away with information to read regarding student loans and guidance on how to apply for one should he wish to. They tell him that it will take some time for his application to be processed, especially with it being Christmas but Ben doesn’t care about that, so full of relief at having found a way out of the ties that have kept him bound for so many months.

Callum hugs him tightly when they leave the building, feeling just as relieved as Ben.

“Thank you for pushing me to do this,” Ben murmurs, squeezing him before stepping out of the hug and looking up to him. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Yeah, you could. You just needed to believe in yourself that’s all.”

Ben smiles at that and he looks shy for a moment before he asks, “Would you help me with the application? I kinda want to go and do it now and get it all sent off.”

Callum nods. “Course I will. Let’s go home.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Merry Christmas Eve!” Ben shouts out the next morning when he enters into the kitchen. There’s a bright smile on his face and he flails his arms out dramatically causing Callum to laugh.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” he comments.

“I had the best sleep last night. Better than I’ve had in ages. You were right about getting that application done.”

Yesterday Callum had helped Ben to fill in his application form, had encouraged him when he was starting to become frustrated with it, and had been by his side when Ben had had to go to the Mitchell’s house for documents that he needed in order to complete it. Ben had insisted that Callum wait in a nearby park for him, not wanting him near the house, and Callum had readily agreed, not wanting to go near the house either.

Ben had taken a while to return and Callum had started to worry but thankfully he had appeared just as Callum had been about to call him, pulling a suitcase along behind him with what he claimed to be the last of his belongings.

“I guess I’ve officially moved out now,” he’d said, sounding a little distant. “Dad wasn’t even there. That’s probably a good thing.”

And Callum had known that despite everything that had happened, not having his family in his life anymore was still something that was going to take Ben some time to adjust to.

This morning though he seems happier, joyful even.

“You know, I’ve always liked Christmas Eve,” he smiles as he moves to sit down at the kitchen table. “It’s like the calm before the storm, you know?”

Callum nods because he knows. He can’t say he has ever liked Christmas himself but Christmas Eve has always been more bearable than Christmas Day for him when his dad would get more drunk than usual and Callum would find himself trying to hide out anywhere he could just to stay safe.

“I remember when I was little my mum used to spend the day baking," Ben recalls. "She’d make all sorts – cakes, shortbread biscuits, she even tried a yule log once but it didn’t go very well.” There’s a soft smile on his face as he remembers and Callum watches him quietly. Ben never talks about his mum so this is a rare moment. “It was still fun though,” he continues. “She’d always get me into the kitchen with her and I’d try and help but - well you could say that my baking skills leave a lot to be desired.”

Callum chuckles at that. “If it’s anything like your cooking then I can imagine!”

Ben tuts at that and rolls his eyes but says nothing.

“I’d love to hear more about her one day,” Callum says. “She sounds lovely.”

“She was,” Ben nods, a faraway look in his gaze.

They’re silent for a moment and then Callum gets an idea. “Would you like to do some baking today? We can do it together if you like?”

He hopes he isn’t crossing any lines in suggesting that. It was clearly something Ben did with his mum and he doesn’t want to overstep.

Ben is smiling brighter now though and looks at Callum again. “I’d like that.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben, as it turns out, really doesn’t have any idea what he is doing when it comes to baking. Callum has to show him how to measure out all of the ingredients and then when he mixes them all together there’s so many lumps that Callum has to take over. They make cupcakes and gingerbread men and sit playing games of _Hangman_ and _Noughts and Crosses_ whilst they wait for them to cook.

When they eventually come out of the oven, Ben is very eager to decorate them all, hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.

“You’re such a child,” Callum laughs. “But go on then, I guess I can trust you not to mess up some gingerbread men.”

Ben pouts at that. “You don't trust me with the cupcakes?” He does as he's told though and takes the tray of gingerbread men over to the table.

“Uh, I think you should leave the cupcakes to me considering I’ve clearly got the most skill when it comes to this.”

“Oh, how modest of you!” he jokes, eyes crinkling in the corners as he smiles.

Callum shrugs and makes a start on mixing up some buttercream. “I guess you’re rubbing off on me,” he responds and he realises that it's true. Maybe Ben is rubbing off on him. Maybe that’s why they’ve always been drawn to each other. They’ve always been more alike than Callum ever would have allowed himself to believe once upon a time.

“Is that so? Well, I do have a lot to be modest about,” Ben smirks.

Callum laughs loudly at that and Ben joins in with him. There’s so many responses he could easily give but only one that dances on the tip of his tongue.

He opens his mouth, ready to ask Ben if they can give their relationship another try but before the words come out, Ben is looking away, picking up a tube of coloured icing and saying, “You get back to your work, Mary Berry. I’ve got some biscuit decorating to perfect.”

Huffing out a laugh, he quips, “Alright, Picasso,” biting back on the words he wants to say.  
  
They have time. He just has to wait for the right moment.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They watch Christmas films that evening, one after another, and when they’re half way through the second one Ben brings out the tin of gingerbread biscuits, ready to show Callum the end product.

“Oh, you’re finally letting me see them now, are you?” he asks, watching as Ben takes the lid off the tin to reveal an array of finely decorated gingerbread men. He's impressed by the sight of them. They look a lot better than he had been expecting them to look.

Ben takes out one of the biscuits at the top and hands it over. “This one’s you.” He points to the gingerbread man’s shirt and adds, “That’s your green shirt, see? It’s my favourite one of yours. I still remember the first time I saw you wearing it.”

Callum studies the biscuit in his hand and sees the checkered lines that run across the green icing. He can see it now. It’s his plaid shirt that he has somewhere upstairs in the back of his drawers. He hasn’t worn it in a while but hearing that it’s Ben favourite makes him want to wear it again now. But what strikes him the most is that Ben remembers the first time he had ever seen Callum wearing it and he turns to look at Ben who is still looking down at the biscuit.

“How do you remember that?” he asks, feeling a little stunned.

Ben lets out a low chuckle. “Jay's birthday last year. First time we slept together. I remember not being able to take my eyes off of you that night. I knew I had to have you.”

“Oh, like that was it?” 

“Yep! I thought you’d be like the rest. One shag and then move onto the next bloke.” He huffs out a laugh and then turns serious, looking up at Callum. “It never would have been enough though, would it? Not with you. I didn’t know it then but that night changed my life. The moment I kissed you there was no going back.”

Callum thinks back to that night. He remembers standing in the darkness of Ben’s bedroom, the way his skin had tingled and his heart had raced and he remembers Ben’s words – _“You can stop_ _pretending any time, you know”_ – and it’s almost like he’s being transported back there, once again in that moment at the start of it all.

Callum doesn’t realise he’s closed his eyes until he hears the sound of rustling beside him and he opens them again to see Ben taking another biscuit from the tin.

“And this one’s me,” he grins. “Dark, handsome, great dick….”

And sure enough, Callum notices the carefully drawn genitals on the biscuit in red icing and his eyes widen in shock.

“Your gingerbread man is naked!”

Ben laughs and says, “Best way to be if you ask me.”

And then they’re both laughing, the air between them lighter again now, and it’s silly, they both are, but Callum doesn’t care, nor does he care that he ends up missing the rest of the film because they’re too busy rolling around on the sofa, filled with so much laughter as they continue to make their way through the rest of the tin.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They exchange presents on Christmas Day, each of them sitting besides the Christmas tree in the quiet of the house.

“It’s – it’s not very much,” Ben says, embarrassment showing on his face as he passes two carefully wrapped gifts over to Callum.

Callum unwraps the first to reveal a tin of Heroes chocolate and Ben lowers his head shyly when he explains, “That’s ‘cause you are. I know it’s cheesy and I’m going to look back on this and be mortified with myself but, you are a hero to me, Callum. You’ve been there for me so many times and I don’t know what I would have done without you around.”

“I don’t think it’s cheesy,” Callum says. “I’m no hero though. I’ve needed you just as much.”

Ben nods at that but it’s clear that he doesn’t really believe it. “Open the next one.”

And so he does, tearing off the paper to reveal a pair of Marvel socks, Thor’s face printed onto the side of them.

“There’s so many things I wish I could have got you, so many things you deserve but – "

“I love these,” Callum grins, shaking his head at Ben. “I’m going to wear them every day.” Ben screws his nose up at that so he adds, “Well, maybe not every day but I’ll wear them a lot. Thank you.”  
  
Ben smiles but he still looks embarrassed and Callum doesn’t know how to explain to him that it’s not about presents and money, but about the people you spend it with.

“Open mine now,” he says, motioning towards the small package in Ben’s hand.

Ben looks down at it and slowly tears off the wrapping. Callum watches on, waiting on Ben’s reaction and hoping that he’ll like it. This is the first time he’s ever bought anything for Ben and deciding on the perfect gift had been harder than he had thought it would be.

Ben takes a moment to read the voucher that he has pulled out of the small box in his hand and then looks at Callum.

“This is – this is – " He stops, shaking his head and looking down at the voucher again.

“I didn’t really know what to get you and then I saw this and I know you like the theatre and the West End and I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this but I thought it would be nice, you know?”

“ _Nice?_ Callum, this is more than nice! This is the theatre and a three course meal at a fancy restaurant and a hotel weekend all rolled into one! It’s too much!”

“So you like it?” Callum questions, still unsure.

Ben looks at him in wonder. “I love it! I love it so much. You didn’t have to do this. All I got you was some chocolate and socks!”

He looks embarrassed again, biting his lip a little and looking back down at the voucher. Callum can’t help himself. He reaches out and puts a hand to Ben’s chin, tilting his head until Ben is looking at him again.

“I don’t care about any of that, Ben. I care about you. And being here with you, it’s already the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

A smile tugs at Ben’s lips and he whispers, “Me too.”

There’s a moment that falls between them and Callum thinks that this is it, this is the moment he’s been waiting for. But once again, Ben is speaking before he gets chance to say or do anything.

“So, uh, I can’t help noticing that this weekend away is for two people.” He looks at Callum questioningly and asks, “Have you ever been to the theatre before?”

Callum shakes his head.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Ben smiles. “Do you reckon you might want to come with me?”

And they might not officially be back together yet but this feels somewhat like confirmation of what’s to come. When Callum had bought the voucher for Ben, he hadn’t dared hope that he might be the one to go along with him. But things are different now, they’re different, and when Callum says yes, he is sure that Ben knows that he isn’t just saying yes to the weekend away but to so many other things as well.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum is in charge of putting together a Christmas dinner for them. It still doesn’t match the exquisite dinners that the Carter’s have always put together but it’s certainly a step up from the chicken nuggets he had last year with Stuart. They sit and eat together, Ben complimenting Callum on his cooking, and then they’re pulling crackers and telling jokes and Ben is telling him that he looks cute in his party hat causing Callum to roll his eyes and smile bashfully.

After dinner is finished and Ben has washed and dried everything away, (“You cooked. I’ll do the washing up, okay?”) Callum finds Ben in the living room, the television remote in his hand as he flicks through the channels.

“I feel bad leaving you here on your own,” he says, zipping up the front of his coat and searching for his gloves in his pockets. “Why don’t you come along, eh?”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure the Carter’s will love that, won’t they? Having a Mitchell in their pub.”

“I don’t care what they think,” he tells Ben honestly. He isn’t interested in keeping Ben a secret from everyone anymore. This time will be different. This time he’ll shout his love for Ben from the rooftops and make sure everyone knows about it. This time….

He has to remind himself that he hasn’t actually got back together with Ben yet. _Yet_ being the operative word.

Ben smiles at him fondly but shakes his head. “Honestly, it’s fine. And to be honest, I wasn’t going to say anything but, well, I’m going to see my mum. I always go up to the cemetery on Christmas Day to lay some flowers.”

It occurs to Callum that Ben hadn’t been planning on telling him at all. He was going to wait until Callum had gone to the Carter’s and then head out of the house himself. Callum would never have known.  
  
“Why didn’t you want to tell me that?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know. Mum’s been gone so many years now that I thought it might sound stupid. Like I should be over it or something.”

Callum moves closer to the sofa and comes to sit beside Ben. “I’d never think that,” he says softly. “She was you mum, Ben. You don’t just get over losing someone like that no matter how many years have passed.”

He thinks about his own mum then. He’s always wondered what would have been had his mum not left them. Even though he has no real recollection of her, he still misses her. And how strange is that? To miss someone you don’t even remember ever being there.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks, just in case Ben wants to but doesn’t know how.

“No,” Ben replies. “I just like it to be private. Between me and my mum. Is that okay?”

“Course it is.” He puts a hand on Ben’s shoulder and squeezes before standing from the sofa again. “Right well, I’ll only be a few hours. Pop my head in for a bit and say hello. I’ll see you this evening.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The pub is as lively as ever for a Christmas Day and Callum watches as Linda and Mick are kept busy with the punters, rushed off their feet as more and more come and go. When Linda announces that it’s time for the karaoke to begin, Callum disappears to the corner of the bar, keen to stay away from being dragged onto the platform with her.

“You not wanting to give it a bash?” Johnny asks, sidling up to him and sitting down on the next stool.

Callum laughs. “Do I ever?”

“She’ll get you up there one day,” he grins back. “Or maybe we should do a duet! You said you’d never be seen dancing in a club and times have changed you there so who’s to say you won’t one day be getting up to do karaoke?”

Johnny is teasing and Callum tuts. “It’ll never happen.”

“We’ll see.” They’re quiet as they watch Linda step up to the microphone and declare which song she’ll be starting with this year and it’s only when she reaches the chorus of _‘Merry Christmas Everyone’_ that Johnny asks, “So, how are things with you?”

Callum knows what he’s really asking. He’s asking about how things are between he and Ben. And so he tells Johnny about how close they have grown again, about how sure he is that it’s Ben who he wants to be with and that he’s certain that Ben feels the same way.

“And you’re definitely sure it’s the right thing?” Johnny questions when Callum has finished. “He is a Mitchell, remember.”

Johnny doesn’t know about Ben walking away from his family nor does he know about the events that followed, but none of those things matter anyway because Callum would still love Ben irrespective of those things.

“Fuck what’s right!” he says, repeating the words that have been playing on a loop in his head for weeks now. Johnny seems surprised, his eyebrows shooting up at his tone but Callum can only smile. “I love him, Johnny. I love him.”

It feels good to say it out loud to someone other than Ben; to say it here in a crowded pub where anyone could overhear and he wishes Ben were here so that he could stand proudly next to him and claim, “This is my boyfriend.”

But Ben isn’t here and Callum looks towards the doors and knows that it’s time to leave. It’s time to return home.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They watch more Christmas films that night even though they’re not paying all that much attention. Throughout the first film they talk about their afternoons and Ben tells him a little bit about his mum who Callum learns was called Kathy. He talks about the things he remembers, funny memories he has of her, and says that before she died he was oblivious to the crimes his dad got up to and that it was his mum who had shielded him from that world even though it had been happening in the same house that they lived in. He says that she would have liked Callum had she have met him and Callum blushes, unable to hide it. From the small amount he knows about her, he is sure that he would have liked Kathy too.

During the second film they take photos, something which Ben points out they have never done before. Callum insists on having one of the two of them together and one quickly turns into two which turns into a whole camera roll of photos of the two of them, most of which have them pulling funny faces but there’s a few serious photos in there too where they’re both smiling broadly at the camera. He wants to keep them all.

By the time they reach the third film and are half way through the tub of Heroes, Callum has decided he can’t wait anymore – he’s going to tell Ben that he wants them to be together again. They have been quiet for the last hour now, both of them tired from the day gone by and Callum doesn’t want to let it slip by without having said the things he wants to.

He builds himself up to it, choosing his words carefully and when he thinks he has a little speech memorised, he takes a deep breath and says, “Can I ask you something, Ben?”

“Hmm?” Ben replies sleepily and Callum looks away from him, suddenly feeling very nervous. Ben is waiting for him though so he knows he can’t back out now. Not that he wants to.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately – for a while actually – and things are good between me and you, aren’t they? With everything we’ve been through, we’ve come out of the other side, haven’t we? And I know it hasn’t been easy but I’ve missed you so much, Ben, and I think you’ve missed me too and, well, the thing is….” He pauses, gathering himself. “The thing is that I still love you and I was wondering if maybe we could give things another try. If you want to that is.”

He glances down from the screen to his hands and wrings them together to distract himself from whatever answer Ben may give.

When the silence grows, he looks over to Ben expecting to see his shocked face but what he doesn’t expect to see is Ben with his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling steadily. He’s asleep. Callum sighs and then laughs to himself. _Of course_ Ben would fall asleep now.

Putting a cushion behind his head, Callum watches as Ben settles into it and smiles. Tomorrow he’ll try again and this time he’ll make sure nothing stands in his way.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Today is the day. Callum is determined that no matter what, they’re going to be back together by the end of the day. Every time he has tried, something has got in the way, usually Ben not realising that Callum has things to say and Callum has to wonder how he can be so oblivious. Today he’s going to make sure Ben listens though. Today he’s going to make sure he has Ben’s full attention.

He starts with cooking breakfast for the two of them even though it’s almost noon. When Ben comes downstairs to find him in the kitchen, he stops in the doorway and smiles across at him.

“Morning,” Callum says brightly to him.

“Morning,” Ben responds, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. “What’s all this?”

“Boxing Day breakfast, what else?” he explains as if it’s something he does every year. It isn’t. This is a first for him and he doesn’t think all that much to fry up’s if he’s being honest but he knows Ben enjoys them and does he need any other reason than that alone?

“Smells amazing,” Ben smiles, walking further into the kitchen. “Can I help?”

“No, you’re alright. It won’t be long. You just sit yourself down, okay?”

Ben looks bemused but does as he’s told. Callum turns back to the pan in front of him and smiles to himself. It’s going to be a good day.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


After breakfast, Ben goes to have a shower and Callum slides through the images on his phone of the photos they had taken last night and saves them all to a folder which he marks ‘Ben’.

He’s just chosen one to use as his background screen when Ben walks into the living room, hair damp from his shower and he catches sight of the picture before Callum has time to lock his phone.

“You’ve made me your background?” he asks, looking surprised.

Callum feels heat rush to his cheeks and stutters when he responds, “Y-yeah. Is, uh, is that alright?”

Ben smiles in amusement and turns the phone to get a better look at it. “Have I ever told you that you’re cute when you blush? You better send me those photos so I can make you my background too."  
  
He lets out a breath is doesn’t realise he’s been holding, relieved that Ben doesn’t think it’s weird. It gives him confidence with his next words.

“Ben, can we talk?”

Ben nods, settling properly now on the sofa. Callum can see the way his eyes flicker back and forth from his own eyes to his lips and he realises that Ben knows what’s coming. He’s ready, he’s waiting, he has already been expecting this.

“You know what I’m going to say?” he asks, looking for confirmation.

Callum watches as Ben swallows before whispering, “Say it anyway.”

He can feel his heart thudding against his ribcage and he’s sure that Ben’s heart must be doing the same. His fingers itch to reach out and grab Ben, just kiss him here and now and let the words go unspoken but he doesn’t want there to be any miscommunication between them.

“Okay,” he nods. “Okay, well, I know we had our reasons for breaking up and I know you said that I should forget about any idea of us getting back together but I don’t want to.” He pauses but Ben is still watching him closely, nodding minutely in what Callum thinks is encouragement to continue. “I know it got hard and it felt like there was no way around it but I think we were wrong to end things. I love you, Ben. I can’t remember what it’s like not to love you anymore. I want to be with you. I want us to be together again.”

Ben is still staring at him, his eyes shining now and he opens his mouth to respond but stops.

“What?” Callum asks, but then he hears it too. The sound of a key in the lock, the sound of the front door opening and then Lola’s voice is filtering through to the living room.

It can’t be. They’re not supposed to be back for another two days yet.

But it is because a moment later, Lola is entering the room with Jay following on behind her, both with big smiles on their faces.

“Surprise!” Lola sings out in excitement. “We’re back!”

And Callum can see that but they’re not supposed to be. _Why_ are they back? He should be welcoming them home but all he can do is stare at them.

“W-what are you doing here?” Ben asks, looking just as startled as Callum feels.

“We thought we’d come back early,” Jay explains. “Spend some of Christmas with you and each other now that we’ve seen our families.”

“We thought you’d look a little bit happier about it,” Lola adds before her eyes widen. “Wait, we’ve not interrupted anything, have we?”

Callum finds his voice then, shaking his head. “No, no course not,” he says even though they have.

Ben’s eyes meet his and then he’s forcing on a smile and looking back at them. “Welcome home, you two!”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum doesn’t get a minute alone with Ben for the rest of the day. Shortly after Jay and Lola arrive back, Ben falls quiet and eventually he stands and leaves the room and it’s only when Callum hears the front door opening that he realises that Ben is leaving the house entirely. Jay and Lola question him about Ben’s strange mood but Callum doesn’t know what to say, feeling just as confused as they are.

When Ben returns he’s still quiet and Callum tries to catch his eye to ask if he’s alright but Ben avoids his gaze and Callum can’t understand why. Everything had been fine before Jay and Lola had returned.  
  
It isn’t until that evening that Callum is able to go in search of Ben. He expects to find him in his room but when he gets there, knocking on the door and poking his head into the bedroom, Ben is nowhere in sight. Now that they have come this far, he doesn’t want to go to bed without finishing their earlier conversation. Sighing, he starts to return to his own room but stops when he sees Ben leaving the bathroom at the other end of the hallway. It takes a moment for Ben to see him there and when he does he stops too. A strange silence falls between them and then Ben approaches him.

“About what I said earlier….” Callum starts because if he doesn’t then he’s afraid that he’ll let another chance slip through his fingers.

Ben nods and moves closer and Callum feels his heart start to beat faster knowing that this is it; this is the moment. He so badly wants to kiss him but instead he takes Ben’s hand in his and watches as Ben looks down to see them joined. Ben lets out a shuddered breath and then he looks back up and there’s something sad in his expression, something that Callum can’t quite figure out.

“We never could stay away from each other, could we?” he croaks out, sounding a little emotional.

Callum knows that it’s true just as he knows that they never would have been able to in the future either. It’s always been Ben that he came to, always been Ben that he searched for even at the beginning when he told himself he shouldn’t. Throughout everything, it’s always been the two of them gravitating back towards one another.

Not able to hold back any longer, Callum lowers his eyes to Ben’s mouth and moves closer until he can feel Ben’s warm breath on his cheek. He allows his eyes to fall closed in anticipation and –  
  
\- and then Ben is stepping backwards and Callum almost loses his balance, opening his eyes to see the distance that Ben has suddenly created between them. Ben’s eyes are tightly closed and he’s squeezing Callum’s hand now like it’s a lifeline and then he whispers, “We can’t, Callum.”

Callum hears the words but they don’t make sense. His hand becomes limp in Ben’s and he feels like someone has cut the ground out from underneath his feet. Ben opens his eyes and he looks like he wants to say more but he settles on repeating those words again. “We can’t.”

He moves away then, letting go of Callum’s hand and returning to his bedroom. Callum turns to watch as the bedroom door closes behind him and he wants to do something, _say_ something, but he finds that he can’t, too in shock at what has just happened. None of this makes sense. He was so sure that Ben wanted this just as much as he does. How could he have read it so wrong?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum spends all night mulling over Ben’s words. He thinks about the last few days and how happy they have been. He thinks about some of the things Ben had said, things that sounded very much like he reciprocated Callum’s feelings, and then he thinks about the moments before Lola and Jay had returned and the way Ben had known what Callum was going to ask but how he’d wanted him to ask it anyway. Why would he have done that? Why would he have encouraged the conversation and looked so hopeful if he didn’t want them to be together again?

By the time morning comes he still doesn’t have the answers to any of those questions. Once upon a time he would have let them plague him but not anymore. He needs to know why. He needs Ben to tell him.

He forgoes knocking on Ben’s door this time, instead striding in to find him lying back on the bed, staring at the ceiling above. Ben looks up at the intrusion but doesn’t appear all that surprised to see him there. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he sits up and stares at him and when it becomes clear that he’s not going to say anything, Callum starts.

“I’m confused, Ben. What you said last night about how we can’t do this doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it.”

Ben shrugs and turns his eyes to the floor. “It’s just the way it is. No point questioning it.”

Callum shakes his head, unperturbed by Ben’s nonchalance. “I know you want this, Ben. I heard what you said to Whitney that day we were decorating. And I’ve been listening to the things you’ve been saying since.”

Ben shifts a little but keeps his eyes firmly downwards.

“There’s nothing to stop us anymore,” Callum continues. “We can have this. All you have to do is let yourself.”

It’s only when the words have left his mouth that he realises they are similar to words Ben has said to him before. All those times Ben had come to him and told him to stop pretending, all those times he had told him to “say yes.”

Only now the tables have been turned and it’s Callum waiting on Ben.

“I want it more than anything,” Ben says quietly. “These last few days with you have been the best I’ve ever had. And I thought we were heading back there again, I hoped for it, you know? And I thought that if I was ever lucky enough to have it within reach again then I’d grab it with both hands.”

“So why then?”

Ben pauses and then he looks towards him. “Because Jay and Lola walking in when they felt like some kind of sign. Like maybe we’re not meant to be together.”

Callum looks at him incredulously, feeling even more confused than before. Since when has Ben ever believed in things like signs and all that other stuff?

“So you’re making a decision about your future, _our_ future, based on Jay and Lola coming back when they did?”

Ben says nothing, turning away again.

“What if they hadn’t come back?” he asks. “Or what if they had but a few minutes later? What then, eh? Are you saying that we’d be together now?”

Sighing, Ben rubs at his face and says, “I don’t know,” and it’s clear that he’s done with this conversation but Callum isn’t.

“Do you have any idea how stupid this is all sounding? How ridiculous you’re being?”

“I’m sorry,” Ben replies, standing up now and crossing the room. “Just forget it.”

He tries to walk away but Callum grabs hold of his arm, stopping him from leaving the room. They look at each other for a moment and Callum tries to see beyond the mask that Ben has slid into place now.

“This isn’t about Lola and Jay is it?” he guesses. “This is you being scared.”

Ben is silent but the way he lowers his head to the floor once again confirms that Callum has guessed correctly.

“Why are you scared? We can do this, Ben.”

Ben shakes his head and tries to pull away but Callum tightens his grip.

“You said it yourself, these past few days with you and me have been some of the best, haven’t they? You weren’t scared then so why are you now?” Callum watches as a tear rolls down Ben’s cheek. “Ben, talk to me!” he squawks, shaking him to try and get some kind of response. “What, you scared of getting hurt, is that it? Scared of me getting hurt? Scared of it falling apart again? Isn’t it better to take that risk than never know?”

Ben looks up, his cheeks wet now, and for a moment he seems to be considering it but then he’s pulling away from Callum’s grip and saying, “I’m sorry,” again before turning and walking away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They don’t talk about it after that. They don’t talk about _anything_ after that. It’s like they've gone back to the days that had come after their break up where neither of them knew what to say to one another. There’s a heaviness in Callum’s heart though now that he’s never felt before. To know that they were so close to reuniting only to have it ripped away because of Ben’s fears and insecurities almost feels cruel.

One day follows another, the dark clouds hanging over them never seeming to disappear. And so, by the time New Years Eve arrives, Callum isn’t remotely interested in celebrating. Ben isn’t either but Jay and Lola talk him into it and before he knows it, Callum has Whitney standing at his bedroom door, having recently returned from her Christmas away to bring in the new year with them all.

“I haven’t come back just to watch you sit around here moping,” she says, pushing passed him into the room and making a start on rummaging through his drawers. “Lola’s found this great event and there’s going to be fireworks and drinks and you’re going to have a good night,” she tells him firmly.

He’s heard all about the event and if he were feeling any happier than he’d be there without question. There’s going to be a marquee with a dancefloor and a bar and then on the stroke of midnight there’ll be a firework display outside for anyone who wishes to go and see. It sounds fantastic but he isn’t in the mood for having to pretend that he’s happy when he isn’t.

But Whitney doesn’t give him a choice, throwing clothes in his direction and telling him to get dressed. He turns and looks at the clock. It’s six hours until midnight. All he has to do is get through them and then he can come home again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben is as frustrated at being dragged along as Callum is. There’s a frown on his face which only deepens when Lola nudges him to tell him to get into the spirit of things. Callum doesn’t understand how he can walk around looking so sad when it’s him that is stopping them from being together. All Ben has to do is say the word and they can start again and be happy.

He tries to dance, tries to lose himself in the music but it’s hard to do with Ben beside him, reminding him of all they have lost. There’s a couple of times when Ben looks at him and opens his mouth as if he wants to say something but then he closes it again just as quickly. And as the hours drag on, Callum feels his energy draining. It’s a struggle to be around Ben, especially now when everything could be so different, and it hurts too much to think about where they are now and where they could be.

“I’m going to go and get another drink,” he shouts over the sound of the music. Jay nods at him to indicate that he’s heard and then Callum slips away, moving through the crowd of people. He passes the bar but doesn’t stop, instead leaving the marquee and stepping outside into the cold night air.

There’s a small crowd of people already forming outside and Callum looks at his phone to see that it’s already half past eleven, the night having gone faster than he had thought despite hating every minute of it. The fireworks will be starting soon. Maybe he could stay out here until then and then say his goodbyes.

He spots an empty bench in the distance and starts to head towards it, wrapping his jacket around himself tighter as the cold wind whips through his hair. It almost makes him want to go back inside where it’s warm but he’s stopped by the sound of someone calling his name.

“Callum? Callum, is that you?”

He turns to see Ruby heading towards him, her long hair blowing around her face that she’s trying desperately to hold back. She’s wearing the shortest dress he’s ever seen but if she’s cold then she doesn’t show it.

“Ruby!” he exclaims, confused to be seeing her here. He hasn’t seen her since before the summer when they had all left the flat and it’s ironic that after spending a year living in the same flat and barley ever seeing her, he’s seeing her here now in the most unexpected of places. They have never really had a conversation and he can’t think what to say to her now other than ask her how she is.

“Yeah, I’m great! What do you think of the party?” she asks.

“Uh, yeah, it’s good,” he says just to agree with her.

She smiles and pulls on his arm, leading them over the bench and sitting down. He sits down next to her, feeling a little perplexed that she seems like she wants to talk.

“So how are you and everyone else? You are living with Lola and Jay and that lot, aren’t you?”

He nods and says, “Yeah, we’ve got a house together. Everyone’s doing alright, thanks.” He still doesn’t know what to make of this but he doesn’t want to be rude by walking away when she’s trying to make conversation. He just doesn’t know why she is.

“I bumped into Ben last month,” she says, looking at him now. “I was on a night out and he quite literally crashed straight into me. He was in a right state.”

“Oh,” Callum replies, not knowing what else to say to that.

“He told me about everything with you and him – how you were together but then you broke up, about his family and how he gave them up for you. Told me a lot really. Then again, he was really drunk so I don’t think anything could have stopped him. It sounds like I missed some drama last year.”

It’s surprising to hear that Ben opened up to Ruby like that, someone he barely knows. Although maybe that’s what he had needed – to talk to someone who knew nothing at all about him or them.  
  
“Listen, Callum, I know about the pressures of family life. Mine are nothing like Ben’s, they’re not criminals or anything like that, but my dad has such high expectations of me, so much he wants me to achieve, and it’s a lot to carry around. It’s suffocating in a way and I think that must have been what it was like for Ben.”

“Yeah, it was hard for him,” Callum responds. “But he’s not surrounded by them anymore. He doesn’t have those pressures.”

Ruby is quiet for a while and then says, “Look, I don’t really know Ben but I know what I saw last month and that’s someone who had lost everything. His family, his security, you. He had nothing left.”

Callum thinks about how much Ben has lost this year, thinks about how he gave up everything for the two of them and for what? For them not to be together anyway? It was all for nothing and he’s tried to get it back but he can’t.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asks her, wondering if she’s saying these things to purposely hurt him. He doesn’t want to think anyone would be so mean.

“Because from what he was telling me, Callum, it sounds like he’s really in love with you and finding love like that is rare. If there’s a chance for the two of you then I think you should take it.”

He wants to ask her why she cares about two people she barely knows. He wants to tell her that she should stay out of something she doesn’t understand. But her words resonate with him and he finds himself seeking her advice anyway.

“I tried with him, I thought we were going to get back together but he told me that we couldn’t,” he explains.

“What, and that’s it? He says no and you just accept it?”

He blinks at that, shocked by how blunt she is being. It wasn’t like that.

“It isn’t that simple. I tried and then I tried again. What more can I do if he keeps putting up a wall?”

She shakes her head at him and rolls her eyes and then she’s leaning towards him, putting a hand on his leg and giving it a squeeze. “Try harder. Don’t give up without a fight.” And there’s an assertion in her tone and a fire in her eyes that brings him a sudden surge of will-power and determination. “It’s New Year’s Eve,” she adds. “There’s no better time.”

And she’s right. She’s so right. Of all the places he has been looking for answers, he never thought it would be Ruby of all people who would bring them to him.

Last year Callum wasted so much of his time denying himself of Ben. Now, Ben is the one to be denying himself of Callum – denying himself of what they could have. Callum thinks back to their first year in university and how much he had fought against his feelings believing that they would go away in time. But they never had. They had caught up to him in the end and when Callum finally stopped denying it all, had finally allowed himself to be with Ben, it had been worth it, hadn’t it? Maybe he needs to be the one to make Ben see that it could be worth it again. Maybe he needs to fight as much as Ben has fought for him.

One more time.

One last chance.

He nods at Ruby and thanks her and she laughs. “Well, it doesn’t take a genius to see that you two belong together. Anyway, that’s my good deed done for the year, and with only moments to spare as well! Happy New Year, Callum.”

She stands and starts to walk away. “Happy New Year, Ruby,” he calls out to her and she throws him a wave over her shoulder as she returns to the marquee.

As she goes, he realises that more and more people have gathered outside now without him noticing and he pulls his phone out of his pocket to see that there’s only ten minutes to go until midnight. He suddenly remembers Ben’s words to him last year and the deal that they had made.

_“Next year we have to spend New Years together. You and me. Deal?”_

Ben had been drunk that night and Callum had agreed to it just to keep him happy, not believing that Ben really understood what he was saying. He doesn’t know if Ben even remembers his words from that night but a deal is a deal and he intends to see it through even if Ben doesn’t know about it.

Seeing Lola, Jay and Whitney emerge from the marquee, he races over to them, stopping when he sees that Ben isn’t with them.

“Where’s Ben?” he asks, feeling his heart beginning to race.

Jay turns to look behind him and frowns. “He was just here. Lola, do you know where he went?”

She shakes her head. “I thought he was behind you.”

Callum sighs and scans the crowd of people that are standing in groups as they wait for the fireworks to begin. He can’t see Ben anywhere.

But he can’t give up. Not just yet.

Rushing into the marquee, he pushes his way through the swarms of people still on the dancefloor but it feels impossible. Ben could be anywhere here.

Looking down at his phone, he sees the photo of he and Ben that had been taken on Christmas Day. He sees the way Ben is laughing, his eyes shining happily, but most of all he sees love. This photo shows nothing but the huge amount of love that they have for each other and no matter what Ben has said since then, Callum knows that love like that isn’t something that can just be switched off.

Searching through his contacts list, he hovers over Ben’s name and then clicks call, making his way out of the marquee again in the hopes of him answering.

It takes a moment, but then Ben’s voice comes through the speaker and he sounds confused when he says, “Callum?” like he doesn’t really believe that it’s him.

“Are you still here?” he asks, getting straight to the point.

“Yeah.”

“You probably don’t remember but last year you made me make a deal with you – "

“I remember,” Ben interrupts and Callum almost laughs. Ben _remembers_. He remembers that night and that conversation. He’s remembered this entire time.

But there’s no time to focus on that right now, not when there’s more important matters.

“Do you still want that?” he asks, feeling hopeful. “Do you still want us to spend New Year’s Eve together?”

“We already have, Callum, and besides, it’s almost over.”

“Yes or no, Ben?”

There’s silence on the other end of the line and he starts to dread the answer. But then Ben is saying, “You know I do,” and that’s all he needs to hear.

“Right, where are you? I’m coming.”

“There’s some benches out here, away from the crowds….” Ben starts and Callum turns to look in that direction and that’s when he sees him. Ben is sitting on the same bench as Callum had been sitting on with Ruby just a few minutes ago and if Ben is looking for signs then maybe this is one.

“Turn around,” he says as he starts making his way towards Ben.

Ben turns to see him and then he’s smiling and Callum is smiling too and it’s the first genuine smile he’s given to anyone in days. Ben slides the phone away from his ear as Callum draws nearer and stands up to meet him.

When he’s close enough for Ben to hear, Callum jokes, “Any reason you chose this bench in particular?”

“What?” Ben asks in confusion.

“Nothing,” Callum smiles. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Not that this doesn’t mean anything to me, but when I said last year about us spending tonight together, this isn’t quite how I imagined it. I thought you’d forget to be honest. Kinda hoped you would after everything that’s happened this past week.”

Callum puts a hand out, not willing to hear any more. The clock is ticking and they don’t have time, not if they want to start the new year in a better place and Callum hopes that they will.

“Okay, just shut up, will you?”

“What?”

“Just shut up and let me speak, okay?” he hushes. Ben falls silent and Callum takes his chance. “I’ve always been slower when it comes to the two of us. You’ve always been the one to take the lead, the one who has been so sure and certain whilst I’ve taken my time to catch up, but I’m here now – I’m not afraid anymore.”

Ben opens his mouth to say something but Callum shakes his head, determined to get this out.

“I don’t know what’s to come, I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I’m here for it because I can’t do life without you; not anymore. And I know you say we can’t, but we can, Ben. We can. Because it may be scary and we might not be able to protect each other all the time and things might go wrong, but we’ll be doing it together. And isn’t it always better when we’re together?”

Tears start to fill Ben’s eyes and he looks like he’s hanging on every word and Callum’s own eyes feel wet too but he blinks and continues on.

“It’s not going to be easy, or perfect, or happy all the time, but I promise it’ll be worth it. _We’ll_ be worth it. I love you, Ben. I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love anyone. And I know you feel the same. I _know_ you do.”

Somewhere in the background is the sound of the crowd beginning it’s countdown but Callum doesn’t care about that. It’s white noise compared to what he has here in front of him.

“I thought I’d lost my chance again. I thought I’d ruined things for good this time” Ben says, voice quiet like that of a child.

Callum shakes his head. “You couldn’t, Ben. It’s you and me. It always would have been wouldn’t it?”

Cheers and shouts of “Happy New Year!” ring out around them and Ben looks just as the first firework is let off and Callum watches as it’s light reflects across his face. And then Ben is looking back at him, a bright smile on his face and Callum knows that Ben has surrendered, that Ben is his once again and that he is Ben’s just as it always has been.

“I think this is the part where you’re supposed to kiss me,” Callum teases.

Ben laughs at that and then leans up to him. Callum meets him in the middle, the two of them colliding as they have done so many times in the past and when their lips brush together, soft and warm and so familiar, Callum feels like he’s home again. The sound of fireworks fill the air but it’s nothing compared to the sounds of their own heartbeats.

And then Lola and Jay and Whitney are there and they’re being pulled apart and Callum finds himself being drawn into Lola’s embrace as she wishes him a Happy New Year.

And he _is_ happy. He has his family, the one that he’s made for himself, and he hopes that Ben feels the same way too.

And he knows that no matter what he’ll always have this – the five of them.

He moves towards Ben again as soon as he gets chance to, pulling him towards him and wrapping his arms around him.

“I love you so much,” he whispers, kissing Ben again.

Ben presses into him closer, brushing a thumb along his cheek. “I love you too. You and me, yeah?”

Callum smiles and nods. As if there could ever be any other way.

“Always,” he promises, tightening his hold on Ben.

And then he turns his face towards the fireworks, watching the bright colours that light up the night sky, and he feels so hopeful of the year to come, and the ones to come after that. No one knows what the future holds, but with Ben by his side, he knows he can get through whatever comes their way.


End file.
